


Let My Love

by xladysaya



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, First Meetings, Fluff and Angst, KyouHaba - Freeform, M/M, Modern AU, Other Side Pairings, SemiShira - Freeform, Slow Burn, other pairings will be involved but main pairing/endgame is kurotsuki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2018-12-15 08:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 83,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11802510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xladysaya/pseuds/xladysaya
Summary: For Kuroo, finding love was all about patience. He had no problem with waiting for the right person to come along, no matter how many awkward dinners or weddings he had to endure as a single man until they did. Regardless, meeting Tsukishima was something he’d never been prepared for. The feelings were overwhelming and intoxicating, ones he was sure he’d do anything for. However, it seemed his endless waiting wasn’t over.





	1. you're my way out, you're my way through

**Author's Note:**

> Haha...I started another multichapter -sweats- I’m excited for this though, it’s a bit different from the stuff I usually write and will have some other storylines too, so it’s definitely a challenge for me! I like the idea a lot though, so I’ll try to update as much as possible before school starts <3 Enjoy! Big thanks to EmeraldWaves and akaashikeijis for reading this over!

Kuroo’s hands typed steadily, the words and phrases beginning to read more like gibberish in his mind instead of proper sentences. Not to mention he missed a letter every now and again due to his sleep deprived brain, resulting in atrocious typos he was in no mood to fix. His fingers stopped suddenly, eyes uselessly scanning over the blurry letters and science formulas. Obviously, writing this article was a little beyond his comprehension level right now.

 _That_ , and the fact he could barely focus on any of his older cousin’s words through the phone were probably good signs he needed caffeine. However, upon rolling out of bed, the energy to actually go to his kitchen and rectify the situation had been quickly drained out of him when he noticed his phone light up.

He couldn’t explain it exactly, but Kuroo felt he had a sixth sense at times when it came to reading the mood of a certain situation or day. This particular day, it was dread he sensed, like the universe was willing him to not pick up the phone. Kuroo thought he could just let it ring, as he did with most calls, but when Semi’s name and photo appeared clear as day on screen, he knew he had no choice but to answer.

It was far too early for this.

Kuroo rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, grimacing at the grainy bits of sand he caught on his fingers as he leaned back in his chair, defeated. “A lake house? You want to rent a lake house?”

Semi’s all too innocent voice drifted smoothly through the phone, the voice of someone who had probably been up for hours already. Jerk. “Yeah, Kenjiro thought—”

“Don’t implicate me in this,” a flat, much grumpier voice called from somewhere in the background, and Kuroo couldn’t help but laugh at Semi’s grunt of disapproval.

At least he could always count on Shirabu to keep things real with him, no matter how blunt he could be. How someone as considerate and polite as Semi managed to fall in love with the crown prince of callousness, Kuroo would never know.

Of course, he knew that was an exaggeration, but like hell was he going to point out how perfect the two were together when they were literally trying to drag him on some ridiculous adventure.

“ _Fine_ ,” Semi continued, his sigh long and surrendering. “ _I_ thought it would be nice for all of us to get together for a week. It’s been a long time, and god knows a lot of us work too hard. A vacation seemed like a good idea.”

“All of us? Like… _all_ of us?” At that, Kuroo found himself a bit more awake.

Semi had a point, Kuroo worked himself like a dog writing for the science magazine, though he wasn’t afraid to say he loved his job. It was the best, writing about the things and discoveries which fascinated him, and it even meant he could work from home. However, it could get to him, being all cooped up. The thought of going to a lake house with all his closest friends sounded like a dream. But while he could admit a vacation wasn’t a terrible idea, the well-mannered part of him couldn’t stand for Semi’s grandiose gesture of friendship.

“Yes Kuroo, all of us,” Semi said, his tone practically the vocal equivalent of an eye roll. “Stop trying to act like I’ll be feeding an army, it’s _nine_ people.”

“That’s a lot of rooms too…”

“Only six rooms, married couples tend to sleep together you know,” Semi said, voice smug as if he’d already won the argument. _Ah yes, the other problem…_

“It’s still _expensive_ Semi, and wait…nine people?” Kuroo grabbed a stray pen on his desk, wincing when some of the ink leaked through the pen cap and onto his hand. He needed new office supplies…

Without waiting for a response, he grabbed a random notepad and began to work it out in his head. There was him, and then there was Semi and Shirabu ( _duh Tetsurou_ ), Oikawa, Yachi, Kyoutani, Yahaba, and finally Terushima. At the thought of his eccentric, fun loving cousin, Kuroo couldn’t help but smile. He, Semi, and Kuroo had grown up together, forced to attend family events and reunions where they would of course wander off and get into trouble. He looked down at the names, feeling a surge of nostalgia at how much he missed them. Seeing everyone again would be nice…

Still, he was seeing eight.

“I’m a professional athlete Kuroo, I…make more than enough money,” Semi informed softly, clearing his throat right after. Kuroo snorted to himself, of course Semi would feel bad about seemingly bragging about his income. Riches hadn’t changed him in the slightest, and it made Kuroo miss him all the more. “And oh yeah, Teru apparently has a new boyfriend, so he’ll be coming. Apparently our dear cousin really likes this one.”

_Of course he does._

The news was enough to bring out a wry smile onto Kuroo’s face. Terushima had introduced them all to a handful of potential beaus and babes in the past, but none had ever made the final cut. He hoped this one was different. As picky and ridiculous as his younger cousin could be, he deserved to be happy.

But that didn’t mean Kuroo couldn’t make fun of him. In fact, he could make fun of a lot of the people he considered family too.

“Oikawa isn’t bringing his one true love? He sure talks about him enough,” Kuroo said, making a mental note to call the brunet at some point; it had been a while. In the background, he could hear Shirabu scoff and hum in agreement.

“Iwaizumi is still busy with grad school, otherwise I’m sure Oikawa would insist,” Semi said with barely concealed amusement. “But anyways, stop avoiding the question. Will you come? The house has Wi-Fi so don’t even think of using work as an excuse.”

Kuroo couldn’t hold back his wince, Semi sure did know him well. It wasn’t like Kuroo was actively trying to get out of going though, really, the whole idea sounded like a lot of fun. It was just—

Semi made an undignified squawk on the other end of the call, and before Kuroo knew it, Shirabu’s cutting voice was ringing through his ears. “Stop bullshitting him Kuroo, we all know you just don’t wanna go because you hate being the only single person there.”

The words were like ice, quickly traveling through his body and veins until he was frozen over completely, the pen dropping from his hand and clattering onto the desk. Kuroo clutched the phone tighter, knowing he’d been caught.

Well damn.

“K-Kenjiro! You don’t need to be so rude…” Semi sounded distant, voice fading in and out of clarity as if he was physically having to wrestle the phone away from his husband.

“Well it’s true!”

“Why would that matter to Kuroo? He’s not like that,” Semi said with a final strain to the end of his statement, his breath heavy from finally having won the phone back. “Um…right? Kuroo?”

Kuroo winced again, and that was all Shirabu needed to hum triumphantly. Bastard. How Kuroo had been friends with both of them since the baby daycare days perplexed him. Either way, it meant they knew him well enough, and someone with no tact like Shirabu was more than happy to point it out. Bless Semi, that poor soul.

It wasn’t like Kuroo was _upset_ he was the only single person in their friend group (well, aside from Yachi, but no one gave her the same crap they gave Kuroo).  He wasn’t envious, not in the slightest. It was simply annoying. Every time he’d meet up with his friends or family, it always came back to who he was dating. Or well, who and why he _wasn’t_ dating. Kuroo was pretty good looking, had a well-paying and steady job, and was all around a charismatic guy. As a college student, he’d go on dates all the time, hook-ups, blind dates, kissing booths, whatever. Girls and guys liked him, loved him even. He just hadn’t found someone he loved back.

After a while, he’d gotten tired of just sleeping around or breaking hearts when he knew he had no intention of making a life with any of the people he dated. What was the point in dating just for the sake of it? So, he’d stopped. Kuroo had promised himself he’d only get involved in relationships if he could see himself falling in love, if there was a real connection. So far, there hadn’t been, and he was more than content with that. Falling in love and getting married was definitely something he wanted sure, but he wanted it with the right person, and he had no problem waiting.

His friends disagreed.

“Well, see…you guys don’t exactly leave me alone about that stuff,” Kuroo admitted sheepishly, slumping when he heard Semi’s indignant gasp.

“That’s not true! When have we ever done that?”

At that, Kuroo couldn’t help but give a dry laugh.

_Well, never. Directly._

But Kuroo could count how many odd looks he’d gotten at Semi and Shirabu’s wedding, and it had started a trend. An awful trend. It was always ‘Semi seems really happy as a married man’ from his mother, or ‘when are you gonna find that lucky someone, Tetsu?’ from his dad. Then there was Oikawa’s constant nagging, or Yachi’s well-meaning but awkward questioning.

And then it had gone further downhill, because _all_ his friends started to settle down, which made his singleness seem amplified by fifty percent--it was like he was a walking pity party. Oikawa had a date every weekend it seemed, never short of suitors. Then Iwaizumi came into his life, and Oikawa had never been happier. Terushima was the same, albeit with a bit more drama and still no permanent relationship, but it seemed _that_ was changing too. Hell, Kyoutani and Yahaba had basically been in love since middle school, and their wedding had been the previous year.

(Kuroo was specifically sat at the table nearest the bar at _that_ wedding, right next to the singles table. Nothing was more depressing. So yeah, lots of fun.)

“You guys realize that everyone outside of our group sees me as the lonely troll under the relationship bridge right?” Kuroo deadpanned, trying to restrain his laughter when dead silence was heard on the other line. “Say, why doesn’t anyone get on Yachi’s case for this?”

Shirabu was quick to answer. “Because she’s a peppy independent woman, and you’re a loser.”

“ _Kenjiro_.”

“Just consider coming Kuroo, it’s not a big deal,” Shirabu said finally, and the sudden softness actually made Kuroo perk up. “If you really think the attention will be a problem, bring _someone_. Or don’t. Whatever. You know we’ll all drag you there anyways…”

The last statement was said in a whisper, and Kuroo could practically tell Shirabu was glaring at the phone. Shirabu was actually trying to comfort him, and it was pissing him off. _What a nerd._

Kuroo smiled, the implied ‘we miss you’ in Shirabu’s words having not gone undetected. His chest felt warmer than it had in weeks, and his only regret was that it was the feisty ex-setter who had delivered the final blow. Damn, what did he do to deserve these wonderful idiots?

“You know I’m waiting for the right person, but I’ll keep an eye out,” Kuroo said with a grin.

“You do that Kuroo,” Shirabu deadpanned, and shortly after, Semi cleared his throat.

“So…you’ll come? You have about a month to decide but…” Semi trailed off, and he was probably doing that thing where he bit his lip or stuck out his tongue from nervousness. Just like back when they were kids…

Kuroo laughed, the sleepiness from earlier having fully melted away. “Yeah, sure.”

After all, he couldn’t let his biggest fans down. What would they do for a whole week without his puns and knowledge of newly founded scientific theories?

Kuroo couldn’t help but smirk. This time, he’d have all the fun.

“Great,” Semi breathed out finally, texting Kuroo the details as if he’d been waiting to the whole time. He probably had been.

There was a comfortable silence that followed as Kuroo looked over dates of the vacation, and as he was about to hang up, Shirabu spoke up for the last time, voice smug and mocking.

“So…when are you gonna get married Kuroo, you’re getting kind of old don’t you think?”

Kuroo answered with the dial tone.

\--

Hoping to be productive, Kuroo made plans to go to the library the next day. If he was going to go on this trip, he wanted to get a head start on next month’s article. It was better to have most of it done now than to spend most of the vacation worrying about it.

However, as he walked up the stone steps to the library’s revolving doors, he couldn’t help but feel out of place and jittery. It was stupid, considering all the other times he worked at the library, and how usually it provided him with a motivational and quiet environment. Today just wasn’t his day it seemed.

Kuroo would be up for a promotion soon—so these next two articles, one of which was finished, had to be perfect. That was stressful enough, but more than anything, he couldn’t help but find himself flustered over the phone call with Semi from the previous day. Maybe it was general excitement at the thought of seeing all his friends again, but the dread from before was still there.

Kuroo hated to admit it, but maybe the whole being single thing was getting to him more than he thought. He was twenty-seven, almost twenty-eight, and by no means old. Hell, with his looks and health, he was in the prime of his life. There was no need to worry about him finding a potential partner anytime soon, and it wasn’t something he wanted to rush.

Of course, that hadn’t stopped his brain from giving him nightmares about dying alone. What a good night he’d had.

Sighing, Kuroo happily stepped into the library, inhaling the comforting scent of books and printer ink which always brought him solace. After college, the library became his new most visited place after the volleyball court, a place he could sit in all day and get lost in his imagination and thirst for knowledge. It was perfect, and he couldn’t wait to get started on his research for the magazine’s article.

Luck was, apparently, not on his side.

The collection of computers usually provided by the library as databases were all turned off, with sheets of paper taped to each one. Already cursing the day, but never one to be negative, Kuroo walked over to them. The papers said what he’d expected, that the computers were out of order, and to go to a library attendant if people needed help finding the books. Glancing over to the main help desk, Kuroo saw two computers for the librarians to use as databases, and could already tell that a line would no doubt form once more people came in.

Thank god he’d come early.

Kuroo strides were brisk as he approached the counter, eyes trained on the desk. He’d have to find all his books now if he didn’t want to wait in line later…

Plopping his book bag on the desk, Kuroo began rifling through it in frustration, searching for the resource list he’d haphazardly stuffed into it that morning. He didn’t look up when he heard footsteps stop in front of him, too focused on making sure the rest of his day went off without a hitch.

As he rifled through his things, he came across Yahaba and Kyoutani’s old wedding invitation, which he’d never thrown out, souring his mood even further. Why the universe was bent on reminding him of his own romance predicament, he wasn’t sure.

Kuroo didn’t even bother holding back a groan as he resumed looking for his book list.

“Can I help you with something?” The person in front of him finally spoke, voice soft and velvety despite the irritation laced through it. It reminded Kuroo of a freezing gust of wind, refreshing and biting all at once. Kuroo was too involved in his own task to really linger on the sudden sensation though, or the source.

As a result, his tact had also seemed to fly right out of him. “Yeah, got any books on how to get my annoying friends off my back about being single?”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Kuroo felt like sucking them back in, his breath hitching with the power of a vacuum as he processed what he'd said.  _Ah damn._

Oversharing had never been an issue for him, yet here he was, accidentally unleashing his frustrations out to an unsuspecting library worker. Kuroo pursed his lips, his hand freezing just as it gripped the sheet of paper he'd been looking for all along.

He waited for an awkward cough or scoff, maybe even a scolding for his rudeness. It definitely wasn't his day. Kuroo tapped his fingers against the tarnished wooden surface of the desk, stiffly pulling out his resource list and laying it flat in front of the employee. Kuroo didn’t dare look at the other’s face.

Instead of sounding irritated though, the person simply snorted, their body relaxing as they leaned against the counter. From their close proximity, Kuroo could smell the faint scent of sand and saltwater—his favorite.

“If such a book did exist, I’m sure people would be fighting over it as we speak," the voice answered, and _yeah,_ Kuroo thought, velvety was the perfect way to describe it. He may have written scientific articles, but he knew his way around some adjectives.

Oh god, he was an idiot.

But actually yeah, the other had a point.

Kuroo laughed at the joke, tension leaving his muscles as he ran a hand through his hair. Finally, he looked up as he spoke, unaware of just how deadly of a blow it would be. "Yeah, you got a point ther—"

Kuroo choked on the end of his sentence, and the sensation returned tenfold. Like a cold, refreshing gust of wind, or an ocean breeze at night, golden lanterns lighting the way...

That was what looking at the other man in front of him felt like. Kuroo didn’t know it was possible, to have just _one_ person practically embody such an image.

The young man's eyebrow arched in question, his plush lips pulled into a frown as his gaze slowly drifted to the paper on the desk. As his hand reached out, Kuroo noted how the sleeves of his black jumper were too long, easily sliding past his palms. The v-neckline of the jumper was skewed, as if the other had put it on in a bit of a rush. His blond hair was damp, and it pressed against his neck and forehead, and Kuroo could take a guess now about why the other smelled like he was born from the sea. So many questions…

Beautifully pale skin.

Piercing honey brown eyes which glowed behind black frames.

Long, delicate fingers.

Kuroo's eyes jumped from one feature to the other, his mind trying to drink in as much as he could before he was forced to step back into reality. He didn't know what had gotten into him, or why he'd never seen this man at the library before, but Kuroo couldn't take his eyes off him.

"Um, do you need me to look up all of these?" The blond's tone was hesitant, slow, alerting Kuroo to the fact he probably looked like a complete moron staring into oblivion. The blond's fingers crept over the crumpled paper, pulling it closer to him.

Kuroo cleared his throat, knocking on the desk with his knuckles as he begged himself to form coherent words. "Uh yeah, please! I need them for an--articles, magazine articles I mean. I write magazine articles."

_Oh my god, what's wrong with you?_

Kuroo was known to be quite the smooth talker, and this was just embarrassing.

The blond squinted warily before he moved to the computer, beginning to type in the authors Kuroo had listed. Every now and again, his gaze would flick back to Kuroo, his fingers slowing in their typing.

Kuroo wondered if he felt it too...whatever this weird moment was.

Kuroo couldn't have explained it if he'd tried, it was something he'd seldom experienced. It wasn't that Kuroo didn't believe love at first sight could happen, though it was rare. He didn't even know if this was it, but he knew his own emotions, and he trusted his instincts.

This person in front of him was special, and Kuroo wanted to find out why.

He leaned more of his weight on the desk, inching closer into the other's personal bubble as he watched the blond dutifully write down the call numbers from the computer.

Hell, his handwriting was even pretty.

"Hey," Kuroo began, his voice still feeling way too loud despite his whispering. "I haven't seen you around before. I mean, I come to the library often for work, I know most of the employees pretty well."

"Do you want a medal?" The other scoffed before his face twisted in regret, as if he'd forgotten he was at work. Kuroo lost it. He snickered into his hand as the blond pouted, his stunning eyes sending an impressive glare at his computer screen as he aggressively scribbled down another number.

"Actually yeah, I do. My one from last year isn't as shiny anymore, " Kuroo retorted, happy when the other relaxed upon realizing Kuroo wasn't actually angry at the comment.

The blond rolled his eyes, but Kuroo didn't miss the amusement hidden in them.

"Seriously though, how do I know you're not some impostor, trying to steal forbidden library secrets?"

At that, the other actually stopped typing, bringing a hand to his hip as his eyes stared up at the ceiling, as if trying to figure out how to answer Kuroo without calling him an outright nuisance.

"I already know where the hidden make out row is, thank you very much," he finally said with the ghost of a smirk, and fuck, Kuroo felt a shiver run down his back. "I'm a new volunteer, that's all."

"Volunteer?" Kuroo perked up, his head tilting to the side. "You a college student or something blondie?"

"It's  _Tsukishima_. And I'm not, I'm a web designer." Tsukishima tensed after that, his eyes going wide like he'd said too much, and he regarded Kuroo curiously afterwards. It was pretty cute actually, as if Kuroo had performed some sort of witch craft.

_Ah, so he's not normally a sharer?_

For some reason, the realization ignited a fire in Kuroo. "Work from home?"

"....yeah."

"Me too!" Kuroo said, clapping his hands together. "What a small world. I also come here for fun of course."

At that, the blond crossed his arms, unbelievably unimpressed.

"So you write science articles, stay at home, and the idea of going to the library is what constitutes as fun?" Tsukishima clicked his tongue, his smile smug and practically begging Kuroo to snap a photo of him. "You sound like a nerd to me."

Oho, a decent jab. But Kuroo could return anything dished out.

"I'm pretty sure web design is nerdier than magazine writing."

" _Science_ magazines. That makes a big difference. Have you  _seen_ the titles of these books?" Tsukishima waved the paper around, the wobbly sound echoing into the silence of the library.

_Ugh, so cute. What the hell._

"Okay now, no need to get vicious."

"There's always a need to get vicious,” Tsukishima said with a huff, his eyes twinkling with mirth.

"Spare my poor chemistry books kind sir, I beg you." Kuroo couldn't help but smirk, his skin warm as their eyes locked, building a fire deep inside him.  _What_ _is going on?_

He was just having a normal conversation for fuck’s sake. Right?

The quick beating of his heart disagreed. The amusement faded from Tsukishima's eyes as their staring contest continued, those long, beautiful fingers clenching around the pen the blond was holding. It was then Kuroo realized Tsukishima had scrawled the last call number down long ago.

The chill was back, the  _connection_ was there.

Kuroo wondered how close he'd be standing if the desk wasn’t separating them, the pull between them too strong. It would've certainly been enough to lure him into the blond's waters, and he didn't have a clue why.

He didn't really have to know why either. Sometimes, he just knew when he'd met someone worth his time, and why miss out on it?

Kuroo licked his lips, not missing the way Tsukishima's gaze flicked to them quickly before returning to Kuroo's eyes. "Um...do you--"

There was a loud cough behind him, and everything seemed to unfreeze, the smell of the ocean and sounds of the sea disappearing into nothingness as the spell broke. The fog in his brain lifted, and he wasn’t sure he was thankful for it.

"Excuse me?" An aggravated voice spoke up behind him, way too loud for the preferred library volume. Kuroo glanced over his shoulder expecting to see one disgruntled patron, but was met with a line of seven or eight people.

 _Whoops_.

Kuroo flushed, smiling sheepishly as he pulled his book bag back over his shoulder in a haste. As he did so, he caught sight of his watch, revealing he'd ended up staying at the counter for a good twenty minutes longer than intended.

Shit.

Tsukishima snapped out of his daze right after Kuroo, practically shoving the list of books into Kuroo's chest. The blond’s face returned to a more neutral expression, calm and almost uncaring despite the obvious complaints and mutters behind them.

"Here you are,” he said, defaulting back to a more professional tone. Then the blond leaned to the side, looking past Kuroo with evident annoyance in his eyes, luckily not directed at Kuroo. "I'll be with you in just a moment."

Kuroo heard the blond mutter a curse under his breath, and the man behind him in line huffed in displeasure. Kuroo felt guilty for holding up the line, but he was more in shock at the fact he hadn't noticed at  _all_.

He was usually so much more observant than that, a people person, constantly aware of his surroundings. But in the moment, it had felt like nothing and no one else existed, and it made his palms sweat and his throat dry up.

"Uh thanks, sorry about that...well, bye," Kuroo stuttered out as he started to walk away, meeting Tsukishima's stare until the other was forced to tend to the next patron.

All the while, it was like something in Kuroo begged him to stay.

He shook his head profusely, willing himself to focus on finding the correct floor for the first book. He had work to do, whatever this was...he could sort it out later. His article was what mattered most.

Yet as he made his way to the second level of the library, not tearing his gaze away from the head of blond hair at the front desk until he absolutely had no choice, he knew this was far from over.

 


	2. I think we're close enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got to add another pairing! I was really excited to give iwaoi it’s own little storyline in this fic, so I hope everyone enjoys ^^ Hopefully the plot starts really picking up next chapter too, so stay tuned ;) Thanks to EmeraldWaves for reading this over for me!

"So why'd you volunteer then?"

"Jesus  _Christ,_ " Tsukishima hissed, his eyes widening in surprise as his head twisted to find the source of the question. The blond looked down from his step stool, which he'd been using to arrange books on the tallest shelf, gaze landing sharply on Kuroo's smirking face.

Man, those  _eyes_. Kuroo would gladly let this man tear him apart. Judging from the irritation locked in them, the blond probably wouldn't hesitate.

Kuroo was probably a little too excited about riling the other up. Oh well.

Tsukishima stepped off the stool for a second as Kuroo continued to grin at him, collecting more books in his arms like a makeshift shield. The fact the other even needed a stool was impressive, given his height, but Kuroo wasn't complaining. Seeing the other out from behind the counter was more than he could've asked for, especially after catching sight of his long legs in dark skinny jeans. 

The blond was wearing a purple sweater this time, the neckline a little lower than the previous day's, and Kuroo felt he'd been truly blessed by those collarbones.

"Excuse me?" Tsukishima tilted his head, his face holding a mix of agitation and curiosity. Slowly, he resumed his task of shelving various encyclopedias, staring at Kuroo any chance he could with a rehearsed neutral expression. Hopefully it wouldn't stay that way, though anything more had the potential to end him.

"You said you already worked from home, and web designing isn't exactly a quick job," Kuroo said, trying to lean casually against the shelf. "So why volunteer here?"

Briefly, Kuroo wondered if that was already too personal given their relationship, which basically boiled down to nothing. Tsukishima's shoulders tensed, and his fingers tightened against the spine of the book, but then his tone was easier, erasing Kuroo's worries. "You ask a lot of boring questions."

Ah, so there was definitely a story there. Kuroo wondered briefly how much he should pry before deciding against it. He didn't want to force the blond to talk, it was rewarding to get people to admit stuff to him all on their own. "Hey, I'll have you know that these questions are generally considered normal small talk."

"Maybe I hate small talk."

"Or maybe you really  _are_ just in it for the forbidden library secrets."

Tsukishima paused after he shelved the last book, posture turning judgemental as he put a hand on his hip and faced Kuroo.

There was a beat of silence, charged, and Kuroo could barely contain his grin as the blond gave him the most unimpressed stare yet, his lip pursed in thought.

It was a masterpiece of an expression, and Kuroo was close to shattering the silence early just so he wouldn't look weird for staring.

But then, the final kicker was delivered.

Tsukishima crossed his arms, head raised high. "You realize if I actually shared any of those I'd have to kill you, right?"

Kuroo held back the dying hyena laugh he wanted to unleash, keeping up the act by slapping his hand against the wood of a nearby desk. "You fiend, I  _knew_ it."

Tsukishima shielded his mouth with the back of his hand, but Kuroo caught the ghost of a smile despite it. The blond shook his head, finally stepping off the stool and making his way to the end of the row, where a book cart was stacked high.

"Do you talk to all the librarians like this?" Tsukishima asked as he began to push the cart to the next row, the wheels squeaking into the silence of the library. It was early morning on a weekday, which was the best time to come in Kuroo's opinion. It gave him first pick at study tables, immediate access to the databases, and was all around less crowded. However, his motivations for coming early this time around had less to do with efficiency, and more to do with a certain employee.

"Just the bitter looking ones," Kuroo sighed, mindlessly picking up a book and examining the cover.  _The Great Gatsby_ , a classic.

He forced himself to keep analyzing the cover as he trailed behind Tsukishima, convincing himself he was above staring at the other's backside.

Ah, who was he kidding? No he wasn't.

Tsukishima scoffed, moving to pick up a tall stack in his arms. The collection of books wobbled and looked unsteady in the other's arms, and Kuroo quickly moved to help, taking half the books in his own hands.

"Oh, thanks," Tsukishima muttered, eyes widening a fraction at receiving help, and Kuroo could've melted. "You're not getting volunteer credits for this though."

At that, Kuroo actually barked out a laugh, and he was thankful no one else was sitting in their vicinity. "I'll live."

Tsukishima, gave him the smallest of smiles, unconcealed because of the books in his arms, and the strange, pleasant chill was traveling up Kuroo's spine again from just a few seconds of eye contact.

As they began to shelve the books in comfortable silence, they both kept stealing glances at each other, and the questions Kuroo wanted to ask were growing more and more.

_Where are you from?_

_What kind of music do you like?_

_Pet peeves?_

_Favorite movie?_

It was all so overwhelming, and Kuroo had never experienced it before. Where should he even start, if he did at all?

Surprisingly, he didn't end up having to make the decision.

"I read one of your articles yesterday," Tsukishima said in a whisper, clearing his throat as he grabbed another book from Kuroo's arms. All the while, he kept a blank look trained on his face, but as Kuroo was learning more and more, Tsukishima's eyes gave him away more often than not. "You write for Discovery Illustrated."

_Ah shit._

Kuroo felt his face heat up like he was back in high school again, almost dropping the books in his arms in favor of rubbing the back of his head. Jeez, if only Oikawa could see him now.

_Oh, of course now you're being humble, Tetsu-chan!_

Somehow, just thinking about it made the embarrassment worse. He'd had people compliment his work tons of times in his career, yet he found himself completely in need of Tsukishima's opinion and approval.

"H-how did you know it was mine?" Kuroo asked, because even he wasn't braggy enough to just throw out his name and magazine to a random stranger.

Tsukishima's brow lifted in disbelief, like Kuroo had asked the dumbest question in the world, and Kuroo didn't mind at all. The blond's lips quirked up softly as he reached for the next book. Man, Kuroo couldn't handle all these brief expressions. Tsukishima's neutral one was beautiful enough to kill him, anything more started a 404 error in Kuroo's brain.

_Be cool..._

"I checked out your books yesterday remember? I saw your name on your library card...Kuroo-san." The blond's face flushed a bit from the name, his speech slow while he tested the waters to make sure it was alright. As if to cover up the show of hesitation, Tsukishima's face morphed into a glare.

Polite yet snarky. Gorgeous but reserved. Who was this guy?

Kuroo swallowed, his throat suddenly dry as the blond's words seemed to echo in his head. It wasn't even his given name, yet having it said in the blond's soft voice made it sound two hundred percent better. "Uh, just Kuroo is fine. What did you think?"

Tsukishima shrugged, shoulders stiff, the flush expanding onto his pale cheeks. "You're a...good writer, you made the effects of hormones actually sound interesting. I actually hadn't realized it before, but you've written a lot articles I've liked in the past."

Kuroo smirked, even as the warmth and excitement in his chest threatened to choke him. There was another perfect contrast. Blunt yet shy when giving compliments. Hell...

"So you're admitting you're a science nerd too?" Kuroo leaned against the shelf as the last book was taken from him, his hands flying into his pockets so as to ground himself.

" _Certain_ subjects capture my attention, that's all I'm saying," Tsukishima said with a scowl, shelving another book harshly.

There were many ways Kuroo could've responded to that. He could've let it go, could've continued talking about what Tsukishima liked to read, literally  _anything_. But his tongue was a blasphemous traitor, keen on pushing his mind's dark, hidden agendas despite any required social etiquette. Tsukishima was a  _stranger_. An intelligent, pretty, and obviously clever stranger, and one who Kuroo couldn't help but feel absolutely pulled towards. But still, a stranger was a stranger, they'd known each other for all but two days. Kuroo had hardly tested the waters enough, didn't have the right to be so upfront about it, and yet the words flew right out of his mouth without call.

"And have I captured your attention?"

The silence which followed would've been downright dead, had it not been for Tsukishima stumbling loudly off of his step stool and right into Kuroo's arms. Well, at least for a second. The blond tensed immediately when they touched, flying back to the safety of the opposite shelf in record time. Kuroo was almost impressed, the blond was radiating tension in waves sure, but his demeanor was as calm as ever, not willing to be fazed.

Kuroo regretted not only his words, but his entire existence as he watched Tsukishima's eyes flash in panic.  _Damn it, I overstepped again._  Honestly, Kuroo thought he'd left those days behind him in high school. It only made him feel worse that all he could think about was the spark he'd felt from when they'd made contact, and the glee from it was neck and neck with the guilt.

It wasn't like flirting was against his code or anything, but something about this instance hadn't felt right. He wanted to take this seriously.

Kuroo raised his hands in apology, stepping back. "Hey Tsukishima, I'm sorry. That was...I was just playing around, n-not that it's a good excuse! Uh...I didn't mean anything by it. I'm an idiot. A big one. Sorry."

_"Nice going lover boy."_

_Shut up, internal representation of Shirabu who shouldn't even exist._

Kuroo kept his eyes on the blond, stealing glances at the floor every now and again to give Tsukishima space. Those honey brown eyes were wide in shock from either the apology or the fall, Kuroo couldn't tell. He just prayed Tsukishima wasn't pissed at him.

Why did Kuroo have to go and be impulsive now of all times? Sure, it was obvious he was attracted to Tsukishima, but his initial aim had been to get to know him. Friendship. Yeah...

"Nothing?" Tsukishima asked, turning back to the shelf of books as Kuroo was snapped out of his thoughts. From what Kuroo could see, the blond wasn't doing much besides checking the spines, but Kuroo wasn't about to call him out on it.

Kuroo blinked in confusion, his eyes squinting while he kept them trained on the blond's back. Not really the best thing to focus on given the situation, but oh well. "Huh?"

"Did you really mean nothing by it, or are you lying?" Tsukishima turned again, the movement sharp and purposeful in a way which sent Kuroo stepping back.

 _Oh_.

Damn.

The question was nearly teasing, provoking, both things Kuroo was familiar with. It almost made Kuroo think Tsukishima was messing with him, since it was obvious they shared a similar sense of humor. But something about the blond's face was too serious in a way he didn't understand, like the question was drastically important in a way Kuroo couldn't grasp.

He wondered if he should lie, say it was nothing and that Tsukishima shouldn't worry about Kuroo falling in love with him or anything. It would save him pretty quickly, in most cases. However, that plan didn't sit well in his stomach, it twisted his insides raw. In fact, if he could help it, he'd never want to lie to the blond.

What a decision to make, after only three days. And really, something deep down told him the blond would know if he was lying. Those eyes were searing, calculating, and deadly all at once, made to appear angelic with their golden hue.

Tsukishima would tolerate no bullshit, so Kuroo wouldn't give him any.

"I wouldn't say  _nothing_ , but I wouldn't...I would never do anything you were uncomfortable with," Kuroo said after a long beat of silence, feeling like the answer was the best course of action. There were the unspoken messages still hidden in there, clear as day, just as Kuroo intended.

_I've known you for two days and I already like you. I could see myself dating you. I've already thought about it ten times since yesterday. I can feel a connection between us, and I know you feel it too. We could fall in love, if we wanted._

The realizations were deafening in his head, and he didn't doubt any of them. If he really communicated all of it, they wouldn't be lies, and he was pretty sure Tsukishima already knew. Kuroo was a rather open book.

But that was the thing. If it wasn't verbally said, nothing could be ruined or changed. They were still where they'd always been, two strangers in the library, having a conversation.

For now, it was best to keep it that way.

Tsukishima nodded to himself, the slow movement as cute as it was nerve wracking. Then his quizzical look returned, and he tilted his head to the side like the whole conversation was some difficult emotional equation. Kuroo couldn't help but crack a smile, because that's probably exactly what it was.

"Well...then what do you want from me?"

And again, there were so many ways he could answer the question, both right and wrong. A lie or the truth. Tsukishima's hands were clenched around the spine of a book while he waited for Kuroo to answer, the anticipation not going undetected by either of them. But well, Kuroo wasn't going to mess up his answer again if he could help it.

_I want to know you._

Simple as that. And really, he wasn't lying. Not completely.

"I want us to be friends," Kuroo said with a lazy grin when Tsukishima's mouth fell open a little. Well yeah, someone as pretty as he was probably got arrogant advances all the time, and Kuroo was kind of that creep who had come out of nowhere. But even the blond had to be able to sense his genuineness, at least, his friends told him he generally gave off a good vibe. He hoped they hadn't been fucking with him.

"I want to talk to you and get to know you. Maybe make some shitty puns because that's kind of what it takes to be friends with me. I don't make the rules," Kuroo continued, tacking on whatever he could to dispel any remaining tension. 

There was another beat of quiet, with nothing but the occasional hushed chatter of other patrons from across the floor, before Tsukishima snorted.

 _Snorted_.

The warm feeling was back in his chest all over again. Damn.

"Puns? Could you be a bigger loser?" Tsukishima covered his face with his book, but Kuroo knew they were fine. The soft feeling had returned, the tension and uncertainty were gone.

"Don't underestimate me. Also, puns are  _coolest_ thing."

More snorting. Yeah, he could work with this like...forever.

Laughing himself, Kuroo stepped forward, rectifying the awkward distance between them.

"Could I get you a coffee sometime? Consider it an apology type of thing," Kuroo said with a smile, and he brought a hand through his hair as the emotions inside him ate him up. "Plus a start to our new friendship?"

Tsukishima bit his lip as he fumbled with the book in his hands, apparent conflict locked in his eyes as he finally met Kuroo's gaze. And then the last ounce of hesitation was gone, and the small smile which broke out on his plush lips was enough to add five years to Kuroo's life, concealed or not.

"Mm, sure."

Kuroo exhaled dramatically, wiping nonexistent sweat from his forehead. "Phew, for a minute, I thought you'd be all  _booked_."

"Please stop."

\--

Oikawa groaned as the alarm clock blared on the nightstand, cursing the device as if it were the grim reaper himself. It might as well have been.

Today was the day, and already his eyes were stinging with the pain of what was to come. His stomach curled and his heartbeat skyrocketed, his brain in a whirlwind. He had things to do. Things to plan. They needed to go to Iwaizumi's favorite place for lunch, they had to make sure he was all packed, they had to--

"Tooru, hey," a rough, throaty voice rumbled against Oikawa's neck as the source of it pulled away, the following words way too gentle given the quality of the voice. It still made his knees unbelievably weak.

Iwaizumi pulled back from where he'd been wrapped up in his boyfriend, blinking down at Oikawa blearily as the last ounces of tiredness washed away. His hand, which was marred with paper cuts and calluses from his heavy schedule of school and work, came to rest on Oikawa's cheek. Dry and cracked or not, Iwaizumi had the softest hands. His thumb slid under Oikawa's eye, wiping away the moisture collecting there.

"You gotta quit micromanaging my last day, I don't want you to be stressed out," Iwaizumi scolded, and despite his glare, Oikawa could see the genuine disappointment laced in his eyes. Iwaizumi didn't want to leave him either.

Somehow, the thought made Oikawa feel worse.

"Nooooo," he whined sleepily, pulling his boyfriend back down into a cuddle attack. It was customary. "Iwa-chan's last day has to be perfect you know..."

Oikawa felt himself winding down though, thankful for Iwaizumi's ability to calm him down when he needed it.

"Stupid, it already is..." He heard Iwaizumi huff against him, but he relented anyways, taking to stroking Oikawa's hair as sunlight began to filter more and more through the blinds. Another reminder of the time they were losing.

Yet he was warm and cozy regardless, his normal state when he was anywhere with Iwaizumi.

These were the worst and the best memories when it came to dating Iwaizumi. The goodbyes, where Oikawa felt empty but unmistakably  _loved_.

They lived miles apart, Oikawa had known that when they'd started dating. Iwaizumi was chasing his dream of being a doctor at one of the best grad schools in the world, and the brunet was unbelievably proud of him.

But the distance was hard, harder than he could've ever imagined. Not having his comfy boyfriend to cling to after a shitty day, to go on dates with, to spend his birthday with...it was awful.

But it was worth it. They loved each other, and Iwaizumi made whatever time he could for Oikawa. They missed each other, but they never let it get too bad. They made sure they talked enough, made sure they knew how wanted they were. In fact, having Iwaizumi in his arms now was proof of that. The brunet wasn't supposed to see him until after he came back from the lake trip with his friends, but Iwaizumi had managed to visit for the weekend because of a school volunteering project. It was pure luck, but Oikawa wouldn't question how the universe worked.

Luck only went so far though. Today, Iwaizumi would be leaving again, and the process never got any easier.

"Tooru..." Iwaizumi's voice wasn't as tired anymore, and Oikawa poked his head up from where he'd been using Iwaizumi's chest as a pillow. Big mistake.

Ah, this was not fair. Oikawa felt himself crumbling just from the look Iwaizumi was giving him alone, a look  _just_ for him. Vulnerable, upset. The grayness of his eyes were clouded up, almost wet, which was rare for Iwaizumi. Oikawa was the one who let the storm rage on the outside, but maybe he'd underestimated how much this affected Iwaizumi all the same.

_I really love this brute._

"Mhm?" Oikawa replied with a smile, lacing their fingers together.

Iwaizumi leaned in with a chuckle, connecting their lips in a short, sweet kiss. Normally, it might've disappointed Oikawa to have it end there, but there would be time for more fun later.

Morning breath or not, Oikawa melted, his heart rate still off the charts, but for a much more pleasant reason.

"Let's stay in today." Iwaizumi's tone was confident, sure, and it caught Oikawa off guard.

It wasn't like they didn't have lazy days, but usually they would go out before Iwaizumi had to leave.

Oikawa's brow furrowed slightly, and Iwaizumi's hand came up instantly to smooth out the wrinkles on his forehead. Oikawa shook him away, a stubborn pout blooming on his face. Iwaizumi just laughed louder, the sound music to the brunet's ears.

"Jerk," Oikawa muttered playfully. "Why do you want to stay?" The answer he got was a strong arm around his waist, pulling him too close. "Iwa-chan?"

The other shrugged against him, mouth kissing Oikawa's mess of hair in a way which was not helping Oikawa keep it together. And then, the older man shrugged weakly, his voice directly in Oikawa's ear. "I don't want to let you go yet."

Oikawa's entire being left him, like a death blow to his heart.

_Oh, okay then. That's fine. Peachy._

Oikawa's eyes stung all over again, and without knowing what else to do, he threw his arms around his boyfriend, dead set on not letting him go. If it was what Iwaizumi wanted, he'd do it.

And besides, Oikawa couldn't think of a better way to spend the afternoon, even if it ended with goodbye.

As Iwaizumi laughed against him, peppering kisses down his neck, Oikawa decided not to linger on that though.

For now he wouldn't think about goodbyes. For now, he'd stick to focusing on what he had, and what was in store next time.

\--

Iwaizumi hated airports. Not because he hated flying, no. In fact, he could sleep through nearly any flight almost at will.

No, he hated airports because of the way Tooru was staring at him, arms wrapped around his strong and lithe body to keep himself from pouncing right onto Iwaizumi. Not like he could blame the brunet though. After all, the only things keeping Iwaizumi restrained himself were the bags he was carrying.

_Fucking hell._

They were standing right before the security line, the place where Oikawa could no longer follow him. This was where goodbye happened, and yet Iwaizumi never felt prepared for it. For Oikawa to be like this...for  _himself_ to be like this.

Oikawa should never look so vulnerable. He was capable, intelligent, could probably snap someone's arm if he wanted to, and yet he looked at Iwaizumi like him leaving was the worst thing imaginable.

The brunet's eyes were watery, but he still smiled in that  _way_. The  _'don't worry about me Iwa-chan, I'm fine'_  way. It pissed Iwaizumi off, but at the same time, he'd probably cancel his damn flight if Oikawa actually started to cry.

And then Iwaizumi would cry himself, which wasn't an option.

_One more year. One more fucking year._

Then he could apply for residency in Oikawa's city, be with him all the time, and they'd live the life they'd always wanted. But until then...

"I'll miss you, Hajime."

_Ah fuck, never mind. I can't do this._

Iwaizumi dropped all his suitcases without hesitation, and  _screw_ being in public, he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend tightly, picking him up off the ground with practiced ease. Oikawa relaxed into him, like he was meant to be in Iwaizumi's arms, and Iwaizumi let himself savor everything about him. The smell of Oikawa's expensive shampoo, the softness of his skin, the weight of him sinking further into Iwaizumi...he'd never get enough.

There was so much he wanted to say, but flowery and meaningful words were never his strongest skill. He wished though, that way he'd be able to say something to make them both feel okay, to make the separation less harsh on them both.

"I promise I'll be back soon," was all he managed to utter though, his voice hoarse. Yeah, he hated this.

Oikawa laughed, the sound breathy and weak in the loudness of the bustling airport. "I'll hold you to that you know."

Iwaizumi couldn't help but smirk. Oikawa sure would, and he wouldn't have it any other way. Iwaizumi didn't plan on disappointing either, not when it came to seeing Oikawa again. If it killed him, he'd do everything to keep his promise.

\--

It was when Iwaizumi was sitting in the waiting area twenty minutes later, getting ready to board the plane, that he got the call.

He glanced down at his phone, and saw Suga's name flash on the screen, a heaven sent. Given how down Iwaizumi was now that Oikawa was gone, he wasn't exactly in the mood to talk to anyone. However, Suga was the exception. Being a fellow med student who Iwaizumi had befriended in his first year, Suga had a magical way of offering support and making Iwaizumi feel lighter whenever he was faced with a problem.

So of course, being the great friend he was, Suga practically made it his job to call Iwaizumi every time he had to leave Oikawa, knowing Iwaizumi was usually an internal mess afterwards. It was a nice distraction, especially then.

Iwaizumi answered without saying anything, not at all surprised when Suga moved full speed ahead. "So how was it?"

The answer was usually the same, though said with an edge of wistfulness. When had Iwaizumi become such a sap? "Perfect, obviously." It was  _Oikawa_. C'mon. Their visits were seldom dull, and they left Iwaizumi feeling refreshed.

For the most part. This time...

"Mm, yet you sound like you're being followed by your own personal rain cloud anyways," Suga replied, sighing in sympathy. Iwaizumi sort of felt bad for venting to Suga sometimes, although he knew his friend didn't mind. Suga had been single for a year ever since a rather bad breakup, and Iwaizumi knew the silver-haired beauty (campus title, not his) got lonely at times.

Suga did tend to have great advice though, and was all around an amazing guy. Iwaizumi doubted he'd be single much longer.

However, it didn't make Iwaizumi feel much better about unleashing his relationship troubles on him.

"Did something happen? You sound worse than usual," Suga continued, making Iwaizumi wince aloud.

_Ah, here we go._

"Iwaizumi..." That was the other problem with Suga, he didn't tolerate any crap, and had terrifying intuition which was correct ninety-five percent of the time.

This conversation...this  _topic_ , he'd been avoiding it every chance he got. But as it showed, it was clearly affecting him.

Iwaizumi sighed, putting his head in his hands. It was now or never, Suga would pry it out eventually. "Oikawa invited me to go meet his friends on some lake trip next month, and I told him I couldn't go."

"Huh? Was he angry or something?" Suga asked, confusion apparent. "He's normally so understanding."

"He was," Iwaizumi said quickly. This wasn't about bashing anything Oikawa did. This was all on him. "I mean, he was disappointed, but he didn't blame me. I just..."

"You still feel like shit?" Suga's words hit hard, but again Iwaizumi was grateful he didn't have to spell it out.

He hit the nail on the head.

Iwaizumi sighed in frustration, his hands clenching as the guilt bubbled back up with fury. Oikawa...he didn't deserve him sometimes. Everyone assumed Oikawa was the demanding one, insistent on getting what he wanted. In a lot of ways, he was. Oikawa strived for the best in whatever he did. But when it came to Iwaizumi, Oikawa showed his selflessness. The brunet was constantly fretting over Iwaizumi's stress levels, was the type to text before he called to make sure Iwaizumi wasn't too busy. He let Iwaizumi have all the space he needed to succeed, sometimes to a ridiculous degree. Iwaizumi didn't let him get away with it, preferring to smother Oikawa in affection whenever he could. Sometimes he even appreciated it when the other got a bit whiny for attention. It showed him that Oikawa wasn't afraid to be a little selfish with him.

This though...

"These friends aren't just his  _friends_ you know? He talks about them so much, they might as well be family," Iwaizumi said, running a tense hand through his hair. "Him wanting me to meet them is a big fucking deal."

He'd met one of them before, Semi was his name, and they had exchanged numbers. He hadn't met the whole group though. He knew how much Oikawa loved them, and Iwaizumi was touched when Oikawa had invited him. It obviously meant he was important to Oikawa, like  _family_ , someone who would be by his side for the long haul.

"It's not your fault you have to miss it Iwaizumi, don't blame yourself," Suga chided. "You're going to be with Oikawa for a long time, you'll meet them eventually."

Iwaizumi wasn't so sure. Reunions like this seemed rare, from how Oikawa talked about it. Iwaizumi could practically imagine Suga waving his hand back and forth like it was all well and good, and it brought a smile to his face despite his worries. "Maybe..."

Suga grumbled on the other line, displeased with the response, but right before it sounded like he was about to retort, his tone did a complete one-eighty. "Wait...when is this lake trip?"

_Huh?_

Caught off guard by the question, Iwaizumi searched his brain, looking for the dates Oikawa had mentioned. "Uh...the 25th through the 30th?"

"Iwaizumi!" Suga basically shrieked into the phone, and Iwaizumi pulled the speaker away from his ear with a wince. "You absolute fool! That's right after exams!"

"So?" Iwaizumi asked in a panic.  _What the hell Suga?_ What had he missed that was so simple?

Iwaizumi was far from an idiot, he'd gotten into  _medical_ school for fuck's sake, but there were times where the most apparent things could escape him.

Or so Suga would tell him.

" _So_ , you can totally go! You'll be done with tests for like...three weeks!"

Iwaizumi gaped, convinced Suga was finally going delusional. Okay no, he wasn't missing anything, his friend was just mad. "Man, I still have  _class_."

"Yes, you have class starting the  _29th._ Your last exam is the 23rd yes?"

"Well...yeah but--"

" _And_ we have a school holiday the 28th, so you can go for a few days!" Suga laughed triumphantly, like he'd solved the riddle of life itself. "What would you do without me?"

Iwaizumi wished Suga was there, just so the other could see how unimpressed he was. "Suga, I'm going to be  _dead_ from all that damn studying. And I'll have to prepare a  _shit ton_  for classes over the weekend. I'd just be busy the whole time if I went."

Silence.

That's all he heard from Suga for a good eight seconds before the other was sighing again. Iwaizumi was getting  _real_ tired of it too.

"Oh Iwaizumi, you poor, unimaginative soul."

" _Fucking_ \--"

" _Anything_ is possible!

"How?"

"Well," Suga said slowly, a good indicator that a grand plan was about to come together. "If we organize a schedule, which you know I'm  _very_ skilled at, we can manage to fit in study time  _and_ organize stuff for our classes! It'll take an all nighter or two, but it's possible..."

Suga hummed thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, we might not have to if we start studying early...not that we're strangers to all nighters but--"

"That would be murder and you know it," Iwaizumi sighed loudly, getting up from his seat as he saw the waiting area's screen flash with the first boarding call. This whole thing was giving him too much hope and a headache at the same time. "I just...I don't know."

It was too much, not the work, but the emotions. The worst part of this was how badly he was thinking about it,  _considering_ it. All because he wanted to see Oikawa, wanted to make him happy. But if he couldn't do it, he'd feel like the biggest loser.

_"I promise I'll be back soon." Damnit._

He knew Oikawa wouldn't think less of him, and that if he failed it didn't make him a fuck up, but it would eat at him all the same. Yet, if he didn't go on this trip, it would be a good four months before he saw Oikawa again...

_Ugh, why is this so complicated!_

Iwaizumi wanted to fight, but the fear of losing could get to him too. He was human.

Suga seemed to sense the stress, and Iwaizumi regretted his rudeness. Still, Suga hummed in understanding, not fazed. "Look Iwaizumi, I'm not trying to force you. You don't have to try if you think it'll be too much. But I don't like that attitude of helplessness, it isn't like you. There's not always a way out, but when there is, I just want to make sure you can see it clearly. Whether or not you actually do something with it of course."

Helpless. The word echoed heavy in his mind. Yeah, it definitely didn't describe him. Iwaizumi thought about how well he was doing in school, how happy he was with Oikawa, how he missed him...

Suga was right, putting all the options in front of him was something he had to do, no matter how stressful the situation. It was what Oikawa would've probably done too, come to think of it. At the thought of the brunet, Iwaizumi couldn't help but remember his loving eyes, shining in barely concealed disappointment when Iwaizumi had said he couldn't go on the trip.

_"It's okay Iwa-chan, you can come next time! I'll endure my temporary single status just like Tetsu!"_

Oikawa tried so hard for him. The brunet didn't want him to feel guilty, but it made Iwaizumi feel even more so.

His boyfriend had sniffed dramatically after Iwaizumi had said no, had tried to play it off, but Iwaizumi knew him so much better than that.

Who knew when all Oikawa's friends would be able to meet up again, all being from different cities according to the brunet. It might be his only chance in a long time.

Iwaizumi loved Oikawa, and he wanted to be a part of the people Oikawa thought of as home. If this was important to Oikawa, Iwaizumi would fight, fear of losing be damned.

"I know dude," Iwaizumi breathed out after a few tense seconds. "Sorry for snappin' and all."

Iwaizumi felt less heavy as he got into line, the determination in him growing with each step as he continued. "Listen, I think...I think the plan is worthwhile, but we can talk about it when I'm back. I gotta get on the plane right now."

"No worries," Suga said, and Iwaizumi  _swore_ there was a hint of sneakiness in his voice. Bastard, he knew what to say every time. "I'm glad you're considering it! I'll see you soon okay?"

"Yeah. Later," Iwaizumi said with a smile, the cogs in his mind already beginning to turn as he thought about his exam schedule.

He could do this. He could try.

And as Iwaizumi stepped onto the metal boarding ramp, he made a mental note to contact Semi at some point.

After all, he needed to make sure there'd be an extra room available at the lake house.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are always appreciated <3 I hope I can update a few more times before school starts! 
> 
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	3. we got here the hard way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, I managed to update lol. I’m not sure when that’ll happen again because I have quite a few other projects to get done for some events, but I’ll definitely be continuing this story further ^^ I’m excited to post this chapter too so ;) Big thanks to EmeraldWaves for reading this over! Enjoy! <3

_"I have a boyfriend."_

Those words had been harder to deal with than Kuroo had expected.

They were walking out of the library as it closed, having been the only two remaining occupants aside from a few study groups. The chill outside was more biting than he had thought, and he cursed himself for not wearing thicker layers like Tsukishima had.

The blond was as beautiful as ever, wrapped in a black wool trench coat with his cheeks tinted red from the cold. They walked down the library steps in a cozy silence, their voices too hoarse from all the talking they'd managed to do as the rows got less and less busy.

It had been nothing short of a perfect day in Kuroo's mind. Ever since they'd had their talk about friendship a few days prior, things had been going smoothly. The sense of longing stayed buried within Kuroo of course, but he pushed it down whenever it chose to bubble up.

Yeah, everything was fine. Despite the chill, the night was nice, and Kuroo couldn't stop himself from dreading their separation.

And well, he figured it was normal for friends to hang out outside of work, so he'd had no trouble inviting the blond out for a drink.

"I can't today," Tsukishima replied, his hands tightening around his coat collar as the wind ripped past. "I'm meeting my boyfriend for dinner."

And as stupid as it sounded, and as much as he wished it hadn't, Kuroo's world stopped. Another gust tore through the air, thankfully disrupting the awkward silence building between them. Kuroo could only hope it had masked the choked noise he'd made in the back of his throat.

It was a new sensation, having his gut twist and squirm, and all the while his heart struggled to continue beating, his body warring to stay alive even when his soul echoed hopelessness, willing it to give up.

Kuroo's mouth opened, ready to laugh it off or dismiss himself casually, but nothing came out, and the winds continued.

He had no one to blame but himself for making things so tense. He should've known all along. The reason Tsukishima had acted so guarded, the logic behind their shaky agreement...

A  _boyfriend_. So simple, so damaging, and yet Kuroo didn't blame Tsukishima for anything. The blond had never led him on, and he was free to be with whoever he wanted. Kuroo's whims were none of the Tsukishima’s concern beyond a certain level, but Kuroo's heart was still being crushed in a hydraulic press from all this, so there was that.

Kuroo felt their connection more than he liked to admit, and he could do one of two things. If he chose the first option, and spoke on his feelings, laid himself bare...he might lose a friend who he  _knew_ understood him. This was someone special, someone he could see being close to for years to come. Then of course there was the off chance Tsukishima felt the same way, and then they'd have to navigate the boyfriend issue together, but Kuroo didn't see that outcome being very probable.

Tsukishima liked him sure, whether it be in a platonic way or otherwise, but the blond hardly seemed to be a believer in love at first sight, or in pursuing any kind of relationship with a stranger.

And besides, if this guy...whoever he was, made Tsukishima happy...

Kuroo would never stand in the way of that. The realization was more jarring than he would've predicted, colder than the frost lining the windows of nearby parked cars. It traveled up his spine, calmed his stomach, and eased his mind. So truthfully, only one option was the best choice here.

Kuroo ignored the way his heart continued to protest.

He closed his mouth, his smile soft as they stood in the middle of the sidewalk. Tsukishima was staring at him with those big, honey brown eyes,  _analyzing_ him, waiting for a reaction of some kind. That in itself made Kuroo want to laugh. If Tsukishima truly didn't doubt Kuroo's platonic feelings, there would be no reason to search for a reaction. It almost betrayed the casual indifference with which Tsukshima had spoken. Which meant...well...Tsukishima was smart, observant. Part of him had to know.

_Goes to show I guess..._

Kuroo wasn't as adept at lying to himself as he'd thought.

Kuroo laughed, stuffing his hands into his pockets. There was one thing he wanted to know, and he'd be fine. "Is he a good guy?"

The question seemed to catch the blond slightly off guard, and his eyes widened a good fraction for only a second, but Kuroo caught it. He was discovering he was rather skilled at it, tracking Tsukishima's reactions. But then the blond's posture relaxed, his gaze turning to the dark, lamp lit street.

Tsukishima exhaled at a turtle's pace, his eyes dropping like he was falling asleep, and Kuroo felt the first pang of jealousy he'd ever experienced. He knew the blond's answer already, from that expression alone.

Tsukishima radiated peace, comfort.

Kuroo was so screwed.

The blond finally turned back, nodding once. "Yeah, he is. We...it's new still, but it's fine."

Kuroo breathed out, not realizing his lungs had been pleading for sweet oxygen, and smiled again. Well then, case closed.

"I'm glad, you'll have to introduce me sometime yeah?" Kuroo offered as his legs regained their ability to move again, and he began to walk towards the direction of his apartment, knowing tonight would be a night without sleep.

Tsukishima pulled his scarf around his mouth, an almost thankful emotion flashing in his beautiful eyes, one Kuroo couldn't handle.

"Mm, he'd like that."

And with the words dying in the wind like a whisper, they went their separate ways, and Kuroo wondered if the air had actually gotten colder, or if it had just been him.

Despite it though, he knew he'd made the right decision, and for a tiny moment, his heart felt warm once again.

\--

Kuroo couldn't remember the last time a month went by this quick, as if it meant nothing to the world. Tsukishima made it easy.

Tsukishima, with his dry sense of humor and in depth knowledge of the weirdest subjects ( _dinosaurs? really?_ ).

Tsukishima, who didn't drink coffee unless it had buckets of sugar poured into it.

Tsukishima, who snorted when he laughed too hard.

Just  _Tsukishima_.

It was their routine almost. Meet at the library at eight, have some coffee, and then go their own ways. Kuroo hardly did any of this work at home anymore, choosing to bring it to the library while Tsukishima ran through his own daily responsibilities. Kuroo liked to think it was this way because it helped his productivity.  _The library is better than home_ , he would think.  _Yeah, way less distractions._

But deep inside he had to  _know_ , and swallowing down that knowledge with his stale cold brew in the morning was becoming a constant in his life.

At the thought, Kuroo looked up from where his pen had been frozen mid-sentence in his notebook, catching sight of Tsukishima as he checked out a few books at the front desk. The lady he was serving seemed to be talking his ear off, a bit too loud for a library setting, and a lot of people around Kuroo started throwing barely concealed looks of annoyance her way.

As if feeling Kuroo's gaze, Tsukishima turned towards his table, sharing the most ' _kill me please_ ' expression he'd ever seen.

It got a muffled laugh out of Kuroo, seeing those calm eyes exaggerate with disdain, and it made it more rewarding when Tsukishima moved to hide his own smile in his hand.

Kuroo caught it though. He always caught it. If he thought he was skilled before, he was an absolute expert now.

And then for what felt like the twelfth time that day, probably the thousandth time that week, Kuroo felt like he'd been doused with cold water.

_Bad Tetsurou, bad._

"Shit," he whispered to himself as he slouched back into his chair. The fading sunlight from outside hit his face through the window, but he stayed and welcomed the burn. He deserved it.

_Ugh, now you're just being emo._

It was nearing closing time he realized, but he hadn't gotten as much done as he usually did. Several things ate away at his brain, and as much as he'd managed to ignore those thoughts for a good month, lately they wouldn't leave him alone.

It probably had something to do with the damn lake trip, knowing he'd soon be swamped with questions about when he'd get a damn date. All the while, here was Tsukishima, someone who Kuroo knew was absolutely perfect for him and--

Kuroo grunted to himself, almost scolding.  _No. Nope._

None of that mattered. Tsukishima had a boyfriend. He and Tsukishima were  _friends_ , only friends. And he was happy like that, he didn't have to jeopardize what he had because of these feelings. If they got any worse or became harder to control, then of course he would deal with it. Maybe distance himself if he had to...

But until then, he was a grown ass man, and he'd refrain from inviting Tsukishima to his little family reunion because of a small crush. It would be too soon anyways, even if they  _were_ interested in each other that way.

Plus...

There was one thing in particular which wouldn't stop nagging at him, which prevented him from inviting Tsukishima  _anywhere_ really. The thing was...

He and Tsukishima got along great, amazing even. The blond was so easy to talk to that Kuroo had to refrain himself from oversharing quite a lot. They'd learned a lot about each other in the past few weeks. Favorite music, food, movies, stuff about their jobs, some family issues, where they went to school...

Apparently, Tsukishima loved aquariums and history museums. He slept with the lights dimmed, never off completely. He snoozed his alarm about four times every morning. He'd never been bowling. He loved cooking because following a recipe was calming for him. He lost it over fancy kitchen appliances.

All that and so much more, they were all facts Kuroo couldn't help but cherish. Basically, if Kuroo had to buy Tsukishima a birthday present, he'd be an expert. He'd found out so much, but...

But Tsukishima never stopped acting a least a little guarded. Kuroo could see it in the way he'd flinch when he'd admit something too personal, or the way he'd backpedal  _after_ already telling Kuroo some intimate detail about his life.

Frequent shrugs, attempts at topic changes, fidgeting...all the signs were there.

In short, Tsukshima was actually pretty shitty about keeping things to himself around Kuroo, but the effort was definitely present, and it pained Kuroo more than it should've.

Kuroo didn't find himself to be particularly intimidating once people got to know him, so the fact Tsukishima felt the need to be on alert could only be justified by one reason.

And it made sense.

Tsukishima had a boyfriend, and as well as he and Kuroo got along, there were always going to be borders and lines there that they shouldn't cross.

Kuroo knew this. He respected it  _damnit_.

But sure, it didn't stop his brain from wishing the barriers were nonexistent.

Kuroo wanted to fling himself into the damn sea.

_You're a real inspiration, you know that? Way to go, crushing on your friend, like a jackass._

"If you keep sitting like that, you'll go blind you know," Tsukishima's voice wasn't loud by any means, but it shattered Kuroo's cage of self loathing, every word a breath of fresh air no matter how unimpressed. Why,  _why_ did it do that to him? Kuroo had never experienced it with  _anyone_ , where just their voice was enough to ease his sorrow, even when said person speaking was part of the problem.

_Hell. That's what this is. Hell._

Kuroo bolted up in his chair, his eyes somewhat watering in relief at having been freed of the sun's wrath. Tsukishima sat across from him, arms crossed and expression plain, all but stealing Kuroo's ability to breathe.

"I was testing a science theory," Kuroo responded, his grin forming naturally at the sight of Tsukishima's annoyance.

"A science theory?"

"Precisely."

Tsukishima pursed his lips, and Kuroo had to kick himself so as not to stare. "Really? Because from what you told me, your article was supposed to be on nanowire and--"

"And you say you don't listen to my spiels, I'm touched," Kuroo said while wiping fake tears from his eyes. "Tsukki, you  _do_ care."

A magazine hit him square in the face, and Kuroo blanched, mostly because he had no idea how Tsukishima had grabbed the damn thing so fast. "Excuse me sir, that's library property you could've damaged."

Tsukishima shrugged, waving his hand. "No one reads magazines anymore."

" _Wow_."

He could've taken actual offense, but it got a genuine laugh out of the blond, so Kuroo considered it worth it.

From a couple seats down, a middle aged woman shushed them, and Tsukishima hardly batted an eye. Why Tsukishima had wanted to be a library volunteer, Kuroo never understood. Sure, the blond was polite to people and loved books, but he also hated customer service. In short, he got annoyed fast, and this was simply another example.

Tsukishima didn't turn to face the lady, but rolled his eyes in response.

Kuroo couldn't help but snort, his voice lowering to a whisper. "Is that any way for a volunteer to behave?"

"Please," Tsukishima said, his nose wrinkling in distaste. "She's just upset we're interrupting her daily erotic novel reading. How she keeps finding new ones, I don't know."

Kuroo barked out the ugliest laugh, and the lady promptly moved.

\--

"You're not volunteering anymore, why?"

Kuroo's steps were hurried as they left the library for Tsukishima's lunch break. Sadly, Kuroo couldn't return with Tsukishima afterwards, since he needed to turn in his article to the publisher that day, but he was keen on making the most of his time.

The blond never ceased to drop bombs on him though.

Tsukishima shrugged, obviously not as worried as Kuroo. "It just worked out that way. They don't really need me anymore, and my boyfriend wanted me to get some free time, so I went along with it. Friday is my last day."

_Friday. Lake trip. Shit._

It didn't exactly have anything to do with Tsukishima, but man did Kuroo need to start packing and making the necessary preparations. It was only a week, but he couldn't forget anything during that time. Funny how the things which were eating at him seemed to line up.

Friday was when he left for the lake house, and it was also Tsukishima's last day at the library.

Great.

Kuroo's shoulders slumped a bit, though he knew he was being childish. Not meeting at the library anymore wouldn't destroy their friendship. Kuroo could call Tsukishima up and meet anytime he wanted, it was no big deal.

Still, it felt like the library was their place, and not having Tsukishima behind the front desk was something Kuroo would definitely miss.

Not that Kuroo could show it though, even that went a little too far past acceptable friendliness.

"Ah well, at least you'll have more time to yourself though," Kuroo said, bumping Tsukishima's shoulder playfully as they walked. "Got any plans with the beau this weekend?"

Tsukishima snorted, and Kuroo pushed his displeasure down. "Yeah, but it's a surprise apparently."

_Romantic. Damn this guy._

"Oh? Does he always like to surprise you?" Kuroo asked, keeping his expression as soft as possible. Man, he needed to get over himself.

"Yeah, it's sort of a thing with him, though..."

"You don't care for it," Kuroo spoke without thinking, immediately cursing himself.  _Shit. Fuck._

Okay, so Kuroo was pretty confident he was right. After all, he knew Tsukishima well, though it had only been a month. They were in sync a lot of the time, and Kuroo was familiar with his character.

_But_ , that wasn't an excuse for acting like he knew everything, like he was better suited for the blond.  _Ugh_.

So, he tried to backpedal. "Uh, I mean--"

"No, you're right," Tsukishima said with a shrug, but Kuroo could see the tips of his ears were red. The blond's voice was barely above a mumble, his eyes stuck glaring at the ground. It was usually what he did when he was about to admit something rather personal, and Kuroo felt honored every time. Even now, even about this.

"It's not preferred, but...I'm told relationships are about compromises or whatever, so..."

_So you try. Because underneath all that standoffish attitude, you care._

Kuroo felt his heart both clench painfully and fill with warmth. Tsukishima was full of surprises, there were so many sides to him which Kuroo longed to explore. But more than anything, he admired the blond, and it stung.

Yet, Kuroo was being honest when he said he was happy to have this. He was grateful for Tsukishima, and he was grateful someone was treating him well.

It was what the blond deserved.

"You're right there, still...I hope it's nothing too outrageous," Kuroo said, and they both laughed.

"He doesn't know how to be anything but, trust me," Tsukishima said with a fond roll of his eyes, and Kuroo chuckled once more as he opened the cafe's entrance for Tsukishima to step through.

Kuroo's fears of their friendship fading away were still there, but less so. He was confident they'd keep this, and either way, he could worry about it after he conquered the battle of his lake trip reunion.

He left it at that, following Tsukishima with new concerns on his mind.

Before approaching the counter though, Tsukishima paused, turning back to Kuroo ever so slightly, his ears still tipped red. "I'll probably still be at the library a lot by the way, since I can do work there. So I guess I won't be completely rid of you and your awful jokes."

A pleasant chill ran through Kuroo, and they locked eyes for no longer than half a second before Tsukishima was spinning around to face the menu, the back of his neck obviously tinted in embarrassment.

It seemed Kuroo being familiar with the blond's character wasn't one sided. Tsukishima knew him just as well, enough to read even his slightest mood changes, enough to comfort him. It was Tsukishima's way of saying they'd be fine, Kuroo didn't have to fret over any of it.

_This guy is trying to kill me._

Kuroo bit back a mega watt smile, moving to stand side by side with the blond.

"Why Tsukki, your words hurt me."

"Shut up."

Yeah, he had nothing to worry about.

\--

"In Shirabu's words," Terushima said, his voice trailing off as the soft sound of crumpling paper filled the silence through the phone. "You...'better not pack your motherfucking laptop Kuroo, I will snap that shit in half.' That's...that was from him--"

"I know dude."

"He told me to write it down and tell you."

"Okay man--"

"It wasn't me."

_"I get it."_

Kuroo laughed as Terushima sighed in relief, knowing his cousin had probably gotten an earful from the former setter. At least between the two of them, Kuroo was the more practical one when it came to travel. He packed the basic crap, whereas Terushima would probably stuff his suitcase full of junk he didn't need in favor of them being 'fun' instead of necessary. As a result, one person was always given the task of policing Terushima's baggage anytime they went anywhere. It had been that way since middle school, and it certainly wasn't going to change.

Also, Kuroo was definitely taking his laptop. If Semi said there'd be free wi-fi, no one was passing up on that shit.

Shirabu could pry Kuroo's electronics from his cold, dead fingers.

"No one is any fun Tetsu, Shirabu made me empty like half my shit," Terushima went on, no doubt rifling through his mismanaged suitcase. "And then my babe, who I can't wait for you to meet by the way, made me empty the rest of it! Apparently, pool floaties aren't  _required,_ but tennis shoes are? Bullshit."

Kuroo's lungs were dying from how hard he was laughing, but his cousin didn't seem to find the situation all that amusing.  _Damn, I really did miss this fool._

He and Terushima technically lived in the same city, but hectic schedules were brutal, especially when Terushima was a fairly successful freelance artist. It seemed like every other weekend he was off painting a mural or designing a logo. It meant Kuroo didn't see him much, but oh well, he was damn proud of him.

"Your  _babe_ is right. Seriously man, when are you gonna learn to pack, it's been  _years_."

"Psh, details."

Kuroo shook his head, folding a few more sweaters into his bag before deciding he was finished. All packed. All he'd need to add in the morning was his toothbrush and some other shower stuff. He pushed his suitcase to the door, placing his laptop bag right against it so he wouldn't forget.

Shirabu would be pissed, and it was going to be awesome.

The line was silent, but Kuroo could tell Terushima was still there, if the sounds of disarray were anything to go by. It would be normal for them, these comfortable silences, if it weren't for the fact that Terushima was really bad at hiding shit.

He wanted to ask Kuroo a question, and didn't know how to do it. Kuroo couldn't help but smile, at least he had enough consideration to be shy about it. It was why Kuroo tended to not mind actually being asked questions by his younger cousin.

"Uh...so--"

"Dude," Kuroo cut in, taking a seat on his lumpy couch. "Shoot."

"I hate how you do that you know," Terushima said, chuckling lightly. "Semi says you're not bringing anyone?"

_And so it begins._

"Yeah, so no worries. I won't steal your new relationship spotlight," Kuroo said, hoping Terushima would let the conversation end there.

Against his will, an image of Tsukishima flashed through Kuroo's mind, and he pushed it away with force. Not the time.

"Pft, as if. Oikawa would be the one to do that," Terushima said. "Actually, he still might, even though he'll be there alone n' shit."

"Ugh, he's going to complain the whole time," Kuroo said fondly, knowing he wouldn't mind at all when it happened. He'd missed everyone so much, and while he was worried about awkward dinner conversations, it would be worth it.

"That's all you bruh, I'd rather deal with Shig and Kyoutani..."

"Even though they're disgustingly affectionate?"

"Risks worth taking."

They both snickered, the sense of nostalgia invading his heart as the memories of his childhood flashed in his eyes. These people, these absolute  _dorks_ , were his family.

"Seriously though man, I just wanted to make sure you were alright with that," Terushima continued. "I know you're waiting for the right person and all that junk."

Kuroo snorted, shaking his head. "Yeah, yeah I'm good."

"So you haven't met anyone?"

Kuroo's response, which had been a resounding 'no' for as long as he could remember, died in his throat. This time, he couldn't stop the thought of Tsukishima for practically knocking the air out of him. His laugh, his smirk, his  _eyes_. The images, the memories...they were so prominent they scared him. Because now, the answer to the question was different.

It was  _insanely_ different, and yet it didn't matter.

Yeah, he'd met someone, but it wasn't meant to be. That's what sucked the most. For all Kuroo's waiting and patience, this is what he'd been left with.

And the weirdest thing of all was he didn't regret it, not even a little.

His hand clutched the phone tighter, his eyes closing as he willed himself to not dwell on the dread inside him. "No, not yet. I mean, I met someone but…it’s not going to work."

“What? Where’d you meet him? You should go for it dude!”

Kuroo cracked a smile. Terushima’s enthusiasm tended to be contagious no matter how crappy he was feeling.

“The library,” Kuroo said with a long sigh, already wishing he could go back there and see his favorite blond. “But it’s not happening dude. He’s got a boyfriend.”

Yeah, saying it aloud hurt just as much. He resisted the urge to wince. He could practically hear his cousin deflate over the phone, and Kuroo felt torn between embarrassment and gratefulness. Terushima cared so much about Kuroo’s happiness, but admitting to his own pitiful situation was something Kuroo wasn’t completely comfortable with. It had sunk in sure, the fact Tsukishima was taken, but to say it was settled in his heart…he didn’t know if it ever would be.

“Oh…man, I’m sorry…” Terushima sighed, unsure of how to console Kuroo any further. But of course, he tried as hard as he could to think of more to say anyways, wanting to make sure Kuroo was alright. That was just the kind of guy Terushima was.

If only he knew it wasn’t possible this time around. Kuroo shook his head to himself, disappointed.

_Yeah, same here._

\--

The drive to the lake was only about four hours, and while it hurt his back and made him wish he was in bed still, the route he took was as scenic as could be. It was what he needed, if he was being honest.

Kuroo left the windows rolled down half way, letting the mountain breeze filter in as the city smog got farther and farther away. The longer he drove, the mistier and cooler it got, and he couldn't wait to set foot on the rich, damp soil up by the lake. Already the thoughts of nights by the fireplace were making him feel relaxed, and when he finally pulled up to the house, he was more refreshed than he had been in a long time.

The house was large, made of dark furnished wood with a smooth stone foundation. Just from glancing at it, Kuroo knew it probably cost a fortune to own. Ten rooms at least, a driveway big enough for eight cars, and what looked to be a jet spa on the side. The windows were huge, covering the front of the house more than any of the wood did, and Kuroo figured it was all for the sake of the lake view. He glanced down the hill, where lush, green land met the water, connected by a small dock.

If the place was this ritzy on the outside, he could only imagine what the furniture and rooms looked like, and he definitely needed the luxury right about then. He wondered if he'd at least been given a good room.

_Let's go find out._

Leaving thoughts of Tsukishima and work behind in the small space of his car with a final sigh, Kuroo cut the ignition, and stepped out onto the driveway.

Before he could even pop his trunk and grab his stuff, the front door flung open, the wood sounding more like a shotgun going off from the way it slammed into the wall. Kuroo jumped, turning to the source of the sound to find a comfortably dressed Yahaba standing in the entrance way.

"Tetsurou!" The brunet called, running down the porch stairs easily with his long legs, skipping every other step. Behind him, Kyoutani walked with a much slower pace, but looked amused nonetheless at his husband's excitement.

Kuroo opened his arms on instinct, letting Yahaba land in his arms with a surprisingly strong impact. Kuroo made an 'oof' sound as Yahaba tried to squeeze the life out of him, barely finding his footing in the loose dirt.

"Shigeru, I love you and all but...this isn't wrestling," Kuroo breathed out, and he was almost positive Yahaba started to hug him  _tighter_.

With a huff, the brunet withdrew, crossing his arms in satisfaction. Kyoutani came up to him easily, wrapping an arm around the other's waist as he shook Kuroo's hand. Kuroo looked them both up and down, since it had been a while since their wedding.

The only major change was Kyoutani's hair, now fully back to its natural brown. It suited him.

Kyoutani snorted, nudging his husband. "Count yourself lucky, he did the same thing to Yachi without warning."

Kuroo arched a brow, eyes scanning the area for the blond in question. "And?"

"She passed the fuck out."

"Kentarou!" Yahaba smacked Kyoutani lightly, and Kuroo had to force his own laughter down. Yahaba wouldn't be as kind with him, never had been. "She was tired that's all..."

"Uh-huh."

" _Anyways_ ," Yahaba continued, gesturing to Kuroo's bags with a barely concealed suspicion. "Let's get you settled. Yachi is napping, but Eita-kun, Oikawa, and Kenjiro are in the living room. Which means..."

Kuroo's smile was rueful, at best. "Hide my laptop before Shirabu destroys it?"

"Yeah that."

"Did he tell  _everyone_?" Kuroo asked, thanking Kyoutani with a nod as the other grabbed his larger suitcase. _Motherfucking Shirabu._

Yahaba turned around, eyes clouded in pure confusion. "Did you not get the email?"

" _Email_?"

\--

"Tetsu-chan!"

Oikawa's hug was, thankfully, a lot more tame than Yahaba's. Which, come to think of it, was weird. Kuroo eyed Oikawa with caution, searching for any signs of sadness in those twinkling brown eyes. Oikawa had always been good at hiding stuff like that though, even from all of them. To this day, none of them knew how Iwaizumi managed to see through Oikawa so easily.

They were grateful for him though, he made their talkative setter happier than anything else. Of course, the flip side to that was he could also make him upset as all hell.

They'd all heard their fair share of 'I miss Iwa-chan' rants, no joke there.

"You and I are the singles club this time around," Oikawa said with a smirk, and Kuroo didn't resist pushing the other away with a hand to the face.

Yes, he got a lot of satisfaction out of the yelp Oikawa made in return.

"Oh leave him alone," Semi said with a smile, going in for a  _normal_ hug, bless his soul.

Then again, Kuroo reasoned, when had he ever been one to give normal hugs himself?

He picked Semi up easily, squeezing him with a force Yahaba would surely be proud of. Semi squawked and kicked, a friend betrayed.

"Okay okay! Can't breathe...you son of a--"

"Fucking language, jeez," Yahaba said from the couch, laughing when Kuroo finally set Semi down.

Even Shirabu was snickering in the corner, so it was a win.

Semi brushed himself off, shooting Kuroo a glare with hardly any bite. "Can't believe I invited you jerks back. Never mind, the vacation is off. Pack your shit."

The room erupted in laughter, and Kuroo could feel the joy seep into his bones. The day was already half over, and he was tired and starving, but those problems paled in comparison to how much better he felt right then.

Kuroo had forgotten what this felt like, to be so at home with the people he loved most. In his heart something was still missing, no doubt, but it didn't take away from how glad he was to be able to exist in this moment.

From outside, a horn honked, and they all shared a knowing glance.

Yahaba hopped off the couch, looking a little bit too evil for a reunion, and rushed to be the first person outside to welcome the last additions to their party. "Teru is here!"

"Hmm, you mean he and his new boy are here," Oikawa purred from the armchair, and Kuroo seriously wondered why he'd been worried. His group of friends were downright sadists, and he received a lot of their jabs about not having a date on a weekly basis. Still, he didn't envy Terushima. His date was about to be blindsided with judging eyes and questions.

Kuroo only hoped they were ready.

"C'mon, c'mon!" Oikawa whispered dramatically, dragging Kyoutani and Kuroo by the sleeves to make them come to the foyer. "I wanna see!"

"You mean you want to  _pick apart_ ," Kyoutani muttered, dragging his feet as much as possible. Oikawa's strength was to be reckoned with though, and it only slowed them down by a few seconds. Oikawa was a determined bastard, a quality which served him well.

"Eh, same thing," the brunet said breezily, and before Kuroo knew it, he was in the foyer, waiting for the grand entrance.

Terushima was already there, standing in the doorway with his one too many suitcases, decked on in his signature yellow jacket. Man, only he could make that color look non repulsive.

Terushima had just barely pulled away from Yahaba's clutches, and was now beckoning to someone outside. Kuroo rolled his eyes as he felt everyone take a collective mental gasp. Ah yes, the moment of truth.

Snorting, Kuroo approached his cousin, arriving at the door at the same time as Terushima's boyfriend did, skin flushed from the cold.

Pale skin. Light, honey brown eyes.

Oh.

That feeling was back, like he was by the ocean. Except, it wasn't calm anymore, it was a horrid storm, raging past the shore line.

Kuroo's stomach twisted when he met Tsukishima's eyes, his ability to think crashing like a wave into a weak rock. He felt his throat dry up, his mouth opening uselessly. His back forgot how to bow, his eyes seized to blink, and his world shattered to the floor.

_Oh_.

"Hey guys," Terushima said, unaware of Kuroo's mental breakdown due to his own nerves. He smiled sheepishly, gesturing to the blond with unfiltered adoration. "This is my boyfriend..."

Terushima looked to Tsukishima expectantly, and Tsukishima snapped out of whatever daze he'd been in, breaking eye contact with Kuroo.

The spell was broken, but Kuroo didn't feel any better.

"Tsukishima Kei," the blond said, bowing politely after he cleared his throat. His gaze continued to flicker over to Kuroo, distraught, but to anyone else, his expression was neutral as could be. "Thanks for having me."

"Ooo, so polite. That's already a step up from the last on--ow!"

Kuroo wasn't positive, but he was confident it was Semi who had stepped on Oikawa's foot. Good man.

Terushima laughed, his smile way too genuine, and it made Kuroo feel about a thousand times worse. His cousin looked at him, his excitement unrestrained, and god, Kuroo hated faking smiles, but he did it for the sake of his family, for the sake of his own dignity.

This was bad. Oh god, so bad.

"Ah doll, this is my cousin," Terushima said, and somehow his nickname for the blond stung something fierce.

_Damn, I'm an awful person for even thinking that._

"U-uh, right. Kuroo Tetsurou," he introduced himself, hoping his voice didn't sound like he was eating glass. Either way, Tsukishima probably already knew something was wrong, if the tenseness in his shoulders was anything to go by. "Thanks for taking care of Teru, he uh...really likes you."

Kuroo tried not to wince.

Tsukishima bit his lip, a nervous habit Kuroo had picked up on. "Well--"

"Alright, alright," Shirabu cut in, and everyone except Kuroo and Tsukishima turned to him. They were almost stuck in this moment together, wanting to say so much but knowing there wasn't much  _to_ say.

This wasn't a big deal.

They hadn't done anything wrong.

It wasn't like they'd had some kind of  _affair_. They were friends.

And yet neither of them felt the need to say they'd already met. Neither of them were lining up to bring that information to light. Why was that?

Oh yeah, because Kuroo had confessed his crush for a guy he’d met at the library, where Terushima probably damn well knew Tsukishima worked. If Kuroo revealed they knew each other, it wouldn’t be hard to connect those dots.

Fuck.

"All these awkward conversations can be saved for dinner, I'm starving," Shirabu finished, motioning for everyone to help debate food plans in the kitchen.

"Ah yeah, sounds good," Terushima said, lacing his fingers with Tsukishima's like it was the most natural thing in the world. "C'mon guys!"

Tsukishima didn't protest, and he followed with one last glance at Kuroo, leaving him alone in the foyer.

It left an empty feeling in his chest, and while the sounds of yelling and laughter from the kitchen mixed together in the air, Kuroo couldn't feel any of the joy they carried.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are always appreciated <3   
> Also if anyone is interested, I made an [8tracks](https://8tracks.com/xladysaya/let-my-love) for this fic because I had a great need for one lol. So I hope you enjoy it if you do decide to listen! Another side note if anyone noticed by now lol, this fic is based off a movie. I won't say, but if you already know the film then just know that I love you lol
> 
> [Tumblr](http://its-love-u-asshole.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Twitter](https://twitter.com/itsloveuasshole)


	4. to admire is not to love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to EmeraldWaves for dealing with all my shit and reading this over as always lol <3

Iwaizumi might as well have been dead.

He sat slumped on the ground along with all his textbooks, each of them open to various chapters, their accompanying study sheets spread out across the floor.  _Completed_ study sheets.

Yes, the handwriting had slowly deteriorated with every single one, but they were legible, the notes and sentences veering into the margins from the amount of detail he'd put into each answer. They had to be perfect. The answers had to be exact.

And they were.

Iwaizumi's wrists ached, and his hands were marked up to hell with neon highlighter, but damn it had been worth it.

He had finished his coursework, and all it had cost him was a few days of sleep and weeks of living in the library. Now he had a day to rest up, and then--

"Woo hoo..." Suga's dull voice accompanied the sound of papers being thrown into the air weakly, a sure sign the other was about just as over school work as Iwaizumi was. Iwaizumi chuckled, doing the same with whatever stray and unimportant notes he could find nearby. He was in no mood to move more than that.

Sadly, there was packing to do.

Iwaizumi groaned, sitting up after what felt like hours. His back popped, but otherwise, it was a refreshing stretch. A few feet away, Suga remained in the same position, face first on the carpet of their apartment.

_Heh, he kinda looks like a starfish._

Iwaizumi nudged the head of silver hair with his foot, knowing it would get an immediate response. Suga hated when people messed with his hair. And voila, he was right.

Like a knee jerk reaction, Suga moved, slapping Iwaizumi's foot away with unreserved strength.

"Ah! You motherfucker, that hurt!" Iwaizumi laughed, launching a pillow at his motionless roommate. "Get up, I don't want to hear any complaints. This was  _your_ idea."

"Damn you," Suga muttered, lifting his head to send Iwaizumi a playful glare. "Do you have to remind me? I'm never doing this again."

"You're the one who decided to come with me on the trip," Iwaizumi said as he rose to his feet, knees slightly wobbly due to the fact his feet had fallen asleep hours before. He'd been too focused to move, and he was seriously regretting it now as he leaned on the nearby wall to steady himself. "You did it to yourself."

And it was true. Iwaizumi had asked Suga to go with him to the lake for several reasons. The first was because, as much as Iwaizumi loved Oikawa and wanted to be with him until the end of time, meeting his boyfriend's whole friend group alone was kind of intimidating. Second, he knew if he left Suga behind he'd just study himself into a coma, and the other deserved to have some fun. Suga always did go on about how much he missed the outdoors, so it was perfect.

At the very least, Iwaizumi hoped he could cheer his friend up even a little.

At the statement, Suga's body tensed, and he rolled over onto his back soon after. Iwaizumi stared as he watched his friend eye the ceiling in contemplation, biting his lip raw. Iwaizumi could already tell Suga was fretting over something just from the nervous habit alone, but he waited patiently for the other to speak up.

"You...don't think it's rude of me to just show up right?" Suga's voice, normally clear and confident, wavered. "I mean, I'm just some outsider. I'm not  _connected_ to them or anything."

"Neither am I," Iwaizumi said simply. Hell, he was nervous about the trip too, but he wouldn't let his friend worry over dumb things. Iwaizumi knew his boyfriend, and there was no way Oikawa had friends who would be mean spirited enough to shun Suga. If they did, well, Iwaizumi would give them a piece of his mind.

Plus, Oikawa loved Suga, at least, after he'd gotten over being intimidated by his weirdly refreshing nature.

Suga sat up, his pout evident as he stared at the carpet. "Yeah, but you have Oikawa and--"

"And so do you, you’ve met him before! And you have me, there's two people. End of discussion." Iwaizumi strolled to his closet, pulling out both of their suitcases in one swift motion. He placed Suga's light purple one on his bed, smiling at him and gesturing to the closet. The other traced the motion, eyes wide from the finality. "Now get packing will you? It's a long drive tomorrow, we gotta get some sleep.”

With that, Iwaizumi turned around, busying himself with his own stuff as he sorted through everything he needed. Suga was definitely staring at his back, throwing the words back and forth in his head as he often did.

It didn't much matter to Iwaizumi, he knew how things would work out. He believed in his friends, and as long as they knew it, everything would work out.

A few minutes of silence later, and he heard the slow shuffle of Suga rising to his feet behind him, breathing soft. And of course, before he knew it, they were both rifling through their clothes, packing whatever they needed. The quiet faded from tense filled to comfortable, and Iwaizumi didn't have to face the other to know they were on the same page once more.

However, he didn't miss the smile which bloomed on Suga's face, bright as ever. 

\--

"I'll help with your bags."

Tsukishima's head whipped around to face Kuroo again. For whatever reason, the colors of the hardwood walls and decor seemed brighter afterwards. Tsukishima didn't let himself think about why that was.

Kuroo was smiling at him softly, politely, but it wasn't genuine. Tsukishima had seen genuine from Kuroo, this was far from it. Tsukishima opened his mouth to reply, but his throat was like a desert, dry and without any end in sight.

Luckily, he was saved.

"Oh yeah, let Kuroo do that while we grill Teru here," one of Yuuji's friends spoke up. If Tsukishima remembered correctly, his name was Yahaba. "Dinner won't be here for a while anyways."

"But come back soon! I wanna hear how you guys met!" Oikawa called from the couch. It had barely been twenty minutes in the house, but the brunet definitely had the most presence out of any of them.

"You're a sap," Shirabu voiced from his chair, not bothering to look up from his nails.

Tsukishima tuned out the resulting complaints from Oikawa, turning to nod shyly at Kuroo.

It wasn't like them, but oh well. Kuroo had decided they were strangers, and Tsukishima didn't know if he should be offended or not. The worst part of it though, was that he could see the reasoning behind Kuroo's decision.

God, why couldn't this just be some horrible nightmare?

Tsukishima had finished introducing himself to everyone, keeping his nerves at bay as best he could. As if meeting a bunch of new people wasn't bad enough, he found it surprisingly difficult to keep his eyes off the raven. After all, he'd been a part of Tsukishima's everyday life for about a month.

And yet, he'd never bothered to mention his library  _friend_ to Yuuji. Wasn't he just the best boyfriend ever?

"Yeah babe, go get settled," Yuuji said as his arms came to wrap around Tsukishima's waist. There was a collection of gags and aws which filled the room, but Tsukishima swore he saw Kuroo avert his eyes completely. "I'll field all the questions for you."

Yuuji winked at him, and despite his internal turmoil Tsukishima snorted, pushing his boyfriend's face away. "Then I guess I should be worried."

"Oh, I like him already," Shirabu deadpanned, his face giving way to a smirk. Before Tsukishima could say more, Yuuji launched a verbal attack of his own, and the room was thrown into a cacophony of jabs and snide remarks.

No one even noticed Tsukishima walk away with Kuroo, his eyes set on staring at the wooden steps as they climbed farther and farther away from the noise. By the time they reached the top, all the madness downstairs was no more than a muffle.

The silence was too loud, jarring. Kuroo's hold on the handle of Tsukishima's luggage was fierce, and the blond could see the whites of his knuckles.

Kuroo was great at playing things off though, at deflecting as well as provoking. He laughed softly, keeping his voice low. "So, you and my cousin huh?"

Kuroo turned to look at him, waiting for an answer, and Tsukishima figured he could at least provide an explanation this time. He didn't exactly owe it to Kuroo but...it felt necessary.

"I had a job at a firm about a month back, designing a website for the marketing department or whatever," Tsukishima said, clearing his throat as he watched Kuroo's face. It made it harder. He didn't understand why. "Yuuji was painting a mural outside the same building, every day I left he was there. He...asked me out."

Kuroo's eyebrows shot up, his expression hurt, and Tsukishima resisted the urge to rock on his heels. "And you said yes?"

The words 'I didn't know you then' were burning on his tongue, wanting to be let out, but Tsukishima swallowed them down. He glared at the raven, crossing his arms.

Where did Kuroo get off, asking him that? There was no foundation for this whole conversation to even exist.

It was pointless.

They were friends.

"What, you're saying Yuuji's not a good choice?" Tsukishima couldn't help but sneer, watching Kuroo flinch in guilt.

However, soon Tsukishima's heart stopped and plummeted to his stomach, overwhelming him in his own heaping dose of self-loathing.

_Ah damn, too far again._

He thought he'd gotten over being so cutting back in high school, but it seemed his attitude could still flare up at the worst of times.

They both stared at the floor for a while until it became unbearable to not have their eyes, meet, and they both flinched again at that same realization.

This was some kind of shit they'd gotten into, that was for sure.

Kuroo sighed, bringing his hand to card through his hair, a nervous tick. Tsukishima couldn't help but smile. Kuroo was a good guy through and through, but flawed like everyone else. It hadn't been fair of Tsukishima to try and bring out the ugliness like that.

Even now, as awkward as the air between them was, Kuroo was trying to be apologetic and sympathize with him.  _Nerd_.

"I'm sorry," Kuroo breathed out, posture sagging. "Teru is a great guy, the  _best_ guy."

"Yeah, he is," Tsukishima said, voice soft. "An overgrown child, but..."

The blond bit his lip, debating his word choice. Talking about his feelings remained difficult for him, but he managed most of the time these days. Still, he'd told Kuroo about it...that or the raven had figured it out on his own.

He honestly couldn't remember. It didn't make a difference.

Kuroo knew, and he laughed, nodding in agreement. "A sweet one?" He suggested, grin smug, and Tsukishima wished he had another magazine to throw at him.

"Yes, yes, whatever," Tsukishima muttered, and the easiness in his speech was back. It was just how it went with Kuroo. Even with all these uncertainties hanging around them, it was still so simple to hold a conversation, to talk about everything and nothing.

It scared Tsukishima, mostly because he'd never had that with anyone else, and it was a problem.

Kuroo picked up on the tenseness in the blond's shoulders, nudging him with the suitcase as if touching him was a fatal mistake. It probably was.

"You know, you deserve someone like that Tsukki--ah, Tsukishima. I'm glad you're dating him," Kuroo said quietly, and Tsukishima wanted to scream at him to stop giving him such a fake ass smile.

In fact...

"Don't smile if it's going to be fake," he offered instead, against his better judgement. Acknowledging the strain between them was a bad idea and he knew it.

"I mean it," Kuroo supplied. "You make him happy, so...it's great. He's great. You're--"

"Please stop."

"Okay." Kuroo expelled a little too much air from his lungs, a good indication he'd been holding his breath like an idiot. Tsukishima wanted to mock him, but he couldn't find the energy.

Below them, they could hear the chaos lessen, a good sign they should be returning back downstairs.

It was better to leave it at this, Tsukishima thought, but deep down he knew they weren't finished.

There were a lot of things he could've said. He could've suggested they start over, thanked Kuroo for helping him carry his suitcase, but none of it felt right. So instead, he made another mistake, and gave Kuroo an inch.

"You can still call me that, I don't care," he practically whispered, and he knew he was flushing. The strength to fight it in that moment had all but left him.

Kuroo arched a brow. "Huh?"

"You know...Tsukki," the blond said with a long roll of his eyes, embarrassed at having to say the stupid nickname aloud.

He wished he'd kept his trap shut, but then Kuroo was lighting up the hall with how damn bright he smiled, showing all teeth and looking like he'd won the fucking lotto. Idiot.

Tsukishima hated how it warmed his heart.

The joy was there and gone in an instant though as reality settled back on Kuroo, and his smile weakened, returning to the pitiful state Tsukishima detested. The blond could frown all he wanted, but it didn't look right on Kuroo.

Why did he even think that? Why did he care? What--

"What are we going to do?"

The question hung heavy in the air, and it was one Tsukishima had been dreading. Kuroo looked at him like a kicked dog, but he smiled all the same, putting all the power in Tsukishima's hands.

Unfair.

It was a call, essentially. A push to acknowledge whatever was between them. He'd have to be a fool to not have noticed Kuroo's lingering gazes, his fond tones, the subtle compliments. Kuroo's feelings were laid bare and out in the open, while Tsukishima's remained locked up, only seen through the smallest of cracks.

Tsukishima didn't have the slightest clue what he felt, all he knew was that Kuroo was at the forefront of his mind, invading his thoughts like a parasite. It made him feel like shit. His boyfriend was downstairs, along with his closest friends. Tsukishima's only concern should be Yuuji, and making a decent impression. Kuroo was part of that sure, but anything more was inappropriate, unnecessary.

And really, what was Kuroo thinking? That they had some strange connection? Tsukishima didn't believe in those things.

The only thing that would keep both of them sane and in check, was to accept that none of those feelings existed at all, and it was exactly what Tsukishima was going to do.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Tsukishima said plainly, willing himself not to fidget. Kuroo already knew it meant he was lying. "There's nothing to do."

Kuroo's face turned from sorrow to shock in a blink, and yeah, Kuroo never hid his emotions. It should've been a weakness, but right then it felt like the sharpest tipped spear, having those eyes on him.

"Tsukki, you're...you're joking right?" Kuroo said, disbelieving. "You're not actually--"

"Whatever delusions you have about the situation are none of my concern," the blond continued, resilient despite the chill in his body.

"But--"

"What would you have me do?" Tsukishima stood firm, taking a chance on such a question. He knew Kuroo wasn't afraid to go after what he wanted, but he also knew Kuroo was sweet, kind hearted. So, Tsukishima put the power in his hands, knowing Kuroo wouldn't be able to help but use it for what was right.

Maybe it was a dirty tactic, cruel too, but well...Tsukishima would follow through. After all, there was nothing between them.

Kuroo flinched again, mind juggling the question like it was worth a million dollars.

So damn genuine. A selfish person would've already had the answer, and Tsukishima wished the butterflies in his stomach would drop dead already. He hated that about Kuroo, because while his brain saw every flaw in the trait, he couldn't help but feel drawn in, encircled by it.

Unfair.

Ridiculous.

Irrational.

Unnecessary.

Those were all words to describe this conversation, and Tsukishima couldn't wait for it to end, to be plunged back into his normal reality like a jump into the ocean.

From the heavy sigh which left Kuroo's lips, it seemed his wish would be granted. How fitting. When was the last time that had happened?

"Nothing," Kuroo spoke, the words weak and lost. "I don't want you to do anything. He's my cousin. I'm happy for you." 

_Oh shut up. You're so cheesy._

On a normal day, Tsukishima would've joked freely, but his stomach felt like it'd been jabbed, so he thought better. It was a cheery ending statement to a completely dreadful conversation, and it hardly fit, like it'd been awkwardly tacked on just to save face.

Tsukishima didn't comment. He let it end there, because anything more would've pulled them right back. They couldn't have that, not anymore.

With a heavy sigh and a harsh grip on Tsukishima's bag, Kuroo turned away with stiff muscles, and Tsukishima forced himself to follow.

\--

"Where do you work?"

"Do you have any siblings?"

"Does Teru take you on nice dates?"

The questions surged from one end of the table to the next, and Tsukishima sighed at his own ability to keep up. Thankfully, Yuuji sat by his side, doing his best along with him.

"Okay, okay one at a time!" Yuuji shouted, but the clamor around the dinner table only seemed to intensify. "Give him some time to think guys..."

"That gives him time to lie," Shirabu said with a smirk, which was thankfully met with a good kick to the shin from beneath the table from someone.

As soon as Tsukishima had sat down, he'd been bombarded with question after question. It was normally his worst nightmare, his anxiety levels going through the roof until he shut down completely. Then he'd tend to get labeled as rude or boring, maybe even disrespectful, but surprisingly, it hadn't happened. Maybe it was having Yuuji next to him, or the fact he'd already endured one awkward conversation that night, but regardless, he didn't care. He was answering every question swiftly and politely, and had asked some of his own in return.

The relief he felt was immense, and he was thankful Yuuji's friends weren't the most difficult people to talk to.

"No, it's alright," Tsukishima supplied, actually managing a small smile "I don't mind the questions."

And for once, he wasn't lying.

Beside him, Yuuji snorted, a shameless smirk on his face as he brought an arm around Tsukishima's shoulders. "Now I  _know_ that's a lie babe, you hate talking this much."

"Yeah seriously," Kuroo added from where he was sitting. Right across the table from them.

He and Tsukishima shared a brief, stunned look at Kuroo's slip, but luckily it went unnoticed. Mostly because everyone else's heads had also turned to Kuroo.  _Goddamnit_.

Kuroo coughed, shoveling more rice onto his plate. "You know, I mean it's probably really overwhelming for him. We're all strangers and all..."

It was a good enough save for everyone to forget he'd even spoken up at all, but Tsukishima couldn't help but shake his head in annoyance.

He directed his look to Yuuji, who continued to smirk at him, eyes gleaming with their usual mischief. He enjoyed getting a rise out of Tsukishima, that was for sure. Too bad for him, tonight it wasn't happening.

"It's fine, everyone's been very nice," Tsukishima reassured, only to gain a snort from Oikawa.

"Oh, so Shirabu didn't introduce himself?" The brunet smiled innocently, dodging the clump of rice thrown at him with graceful ease.

"Hey, we're gonna get rats!"

Semi's calls were ignored, even by his own husband, and Tsukishima hid a laugh in his hands.

"We all know who the real bitch is here, don't get me started," Shirabu muttered into his napkin.

"Okay enough!" Yahaba all but commanded, and Oikawa's mouth closed. "I'm trying to find out more about Tsukishima, not you two think for yourself-ers! Can it. From now on, only Yachi and I get to ask questions."

"WHAT."

Tsukishima couldn't hold back his laughter after the unanimous outburst, but he wished he had, since all eyes targeted him at once.

Yuuji's hand came to rest at the blond's nape, massaging gently in the way Tsukishima liked best. "Isn't he adorable?"

Tsukishima grunted in displeasure, and the whole table was full of smiles and smirks once more. He wondered if it was always like this. For whatever reason, his eyes lifted to find Kuroo's, only to notice the other chewing his food stiffly.

"Tsukishima-san, how did you and Yuuji meet?" A soft, shy voice spoke up before Tsukishima could dwell on Kuroo longer, and he looked to his left to see Yachi smiling at him. It was impossible to not give her his full attention he'd learned, she simply commanded attention whether she wanted it or not. To think Yuuji had once told him Yachi had only played supporting roles. She was sweet and genuine, and had the cuteness to go along with it.

It was probably seven years bad luck to be mean to her, and Tsukishima didn't want to test the theory anyways.

Tsukishima opened his mouth to respond, seeing as how the answer was pretty simple, but Yuuji beat him to it.

"Oh no, I got this one," he said, confident and loud. Tsukishima couldn't help but sigh, knowing there was no use arguing with him. Yuuji was a storyteller at heart, be it with words or a paint brush, and though the former could be too simplistic at times, he spoke with all the emotion he could.

It was one of the first things Tsukishima had noticed, and also what drew him to Yuuji. He wore his heart on his sleeve, always said what was on his mind be it respectful or not. As obnoxious as it had the potential to be, Tsukishima had been looking for something simple. Something safe.

Tsukishima could say with ninety-nine percent certainty that Yuuji wouldn't lie to or deceive him. It had been an ultimate selling point, so to speak.

At the time.

Tsukishima tuned back into the conversation, recognizing the fast approaching 'cute' part of the story.

"I thought I was done for I swear, I hadn't slept that day, and I had paint all over me. I probably looked like a fuckin' mess," Yuuji went on, gesturing wildly with his hands whenever he felt it necessary.

"You did," Tsukshima supplied, earning a few chuckles. He still remembered of course, meeting Yuuji's sleep deprived eyes as paint sat smeared on his cheek from a frustrating day. How they'd brightened instantly as soon as he took the blond in.

Tsukishima clutched the napkin in his lap with a fierce grip.

"Yeah, yeah," Yuuji waved him off with a kiss to his cheek, and Tsukishima couldn't help but flush even as he pushed his boyfriend away. Yuuji knew how he felt about PDA, but for him it seemed like it was painful to hold back. More often than not, the other forgot, and well, Tsukishima could let it slide sometimes. Especially since a chorus of coos and a few grumbles filled the room. Kuroo stayed silent, and Tsukishima didn't dare look over at him.

"Anyways, I was exhausted, and I started to doubt my work. And I know what you're thinking, but yes, it even happens to me," Yuuji continued, smirking at the glares he received. Tsukishima half expected him to continue in the same manner, putting a fun and quirky spin on the story as he tended to do. Terushima played the part of an extrovert through and through, almost too much so. He'd strike up conversations with strangers at almost any bar or outing he took Tsukishima on, so the blond had heard this story billions of times, all different variations. But they all had some things in common, they were meant to be entertaining and amusing. That tended to be Yuuji's goal, and while it could be embarrassing, Tsukishima didn't care one way or another.

So when he saw Yuuji's eyes soften in a way he'd only seen them do in private, Tsukishima knew this story would be far from the typical mold, and he didn't have a rehearsed reaction for it.

Yuuji turned to him, like everyone else in the room hardly mattered, in a way which made Tsukishima the focal point of the room. Tsukishima felt his grip on the napkin tighten.

"So yeah, there I was, paint in my hair and thinking I'd get fired for sure...when  _this_ one walks out of the building and just...wow. Wow!" Yuuji laughed, and Tsukishima's face flushed against his will, more from the attention than the compliment itself. 

Yuuji never stopped complimenting him, a charmer until the very end. The constant praise leaned on the side of generic, but Tsukishima appreciated the sentiment each time. Besides, there were only so many different ways to call someone special or beautiful, right?

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, but smiled at his boyfriend's antics. "You're being extra again."

"He's always been extra," Kyoutani muttered, and Yuuji sputtered in offense.

His jaw set in determination, his hands splayed out on the table as he turned back to Tsukishima. "I'm serious babe! You may not believe it but..." Yuuji trailed off, weirdly bashful, and the same, fond expression was back on his face. The one Tsukishima couldn't handle. Soft. Serene.

"I thought I was going to faint, because an angel just walked by," he finished, like stating a fact, and Tsukishima's face was definitely fighting off a fire at this point. The table descended into a calm quiet at the statement, most of the group exchanging loving or amused looks. Meanwhile, Yuuji squeezed Tsukishima's hand under the table in a rare show of private intimacy, and the blond couldn't help but return it.

"This steak is like an angel," Kuroo muttered blandly from across the table, and Tsukishima eyes flicked to him in an instant.  _Oh god..._

It got the raven a few awkward stares, but most of the group  _thankfully_ brushed him off.

"Oh! Okay I got one," Oikawa spoke up, hand raised. "What would be your perfect day?"

"You cheese ball."

" _Kenjirou_."

"Hey!"

Oh. Well, that one was actually easy. He hardly had to think about it. Tsukishima cleared his throat, breaking up the verbal brawl before it even began. "I'm not sure if it's possible to have a perfect day but...I like when it rains, not anything storm level but, enough where I don't have to leave the house. I could stay in and read or nap, order delivery maybe..." Slowly, his response began to taper off and die, the words registering in his head. As he went on he got less confident, not because he was less  _sure,_ but more for the fear of being seen as--

"Boring," Yuuji cut in playfully, and the table laughed. It wasn't cruel in anyways, more expected than anything, but Tsukishima still found his gaze flicking to Kuroo in search for support.

He didn't find any though, since Kuroo sat frozen, staring at his plate.

_Why--_

"Huh, sounds like some shit Kuroo would do," Kyoutani said offhandedly, and both Kuroo and Tsukishima tensed.

"Yeah seriously, no fun at all," Oikawa sighed. "Kuroo is pretty social when you actually get him around people, but dragging him out of the house is a chore. He'd  _love_ spending his day being lazy."

Kuroo's utsensils hit his plate with a clang, and Tsukishima jumped.

"Psh...what? I would... _not_? That...that sounds like an  _awful_ day," Kuroo said, looking straight at Tsukishima.And really, it sort of pissed him off. _Idiot. Don't lie._

Tsukishima glared at him, unimpressed.  _You're the one who sits in the library all day._

As if echoing his thoughts, Semi butted in, although more politely than the others. "I thought you told me you'd been having fun spending time at the library lately?"

"For  _work_ , not fun," Kuroo insisted, still speaking in Tsukishima's general direction.

"The library Kuroo? Really? That's how you've been spending your time?" Shirabu began, and Yahaba was a giggling mess right beside him.

"Hold on there guys," Yuuji jumped in, a deadly smirk on his face, and Tsukishima swore the color all but drained from Kuroo. "Kuroo's only been camping out at the library because he met a  _hottie_ there." 

Kuroo's napkin hit Yuuji square in the face about a second later. "You--"

"Wait...what?"

"Kuroo met someone?"

"How do you know?"

"Tetsu told me!" Yuuji addressed the confused chorus, throwing the napkin back at Kuroo. Tsukishima fixated on the table with all his might. "Nothing to be weird about man..."

"Hottie?" It was all Tsukishima could think to ask, his brain struggling to catch up while his traitorous heart swelled.

"I  _never_ used that word," Kuroo insisted desperately, staring right at him.

"Eh, you might as well have," Yuuji sighed, and Kuroo looked two seconds away from stabbing him with his chopsticks.

Tsukishima's stomach was having a fit, and his need to fidget was immense at this point. He wanted this conversation to end  _now_.

Inferring about Kuroo's feelings was one thing, hearing about it aloud was another.

"Are you going to go after this mystery man?" Yahaba asked, but to Tsukishima's displeasure, and he wanted to plug his eardrums with knives so he'd never have to hear again.

" _No_ , no way!" Kuroo said, his hands moving a mile a minute. "I mean, even if I wanted to...which I totally don't...I couldn't. He has a  _boyfriend_."

The strain he put on the word was noted, and the blond swore Kuroo's shoulder slumped.

At the admission, the room plummeted into a tense silence, a stark contrast from the clamor he'd been getting used to. Looks of confusion and pity, all of which Tsukishima knew Kuroo detested, were all on the raven, and Tsukishima wished they'd all just quit it already.

"Oh no," Yachi eventually whispered. "I'm sorry, Tetsurou." 

"Don't be," Kuroo muttered, an easy smile somehow forming on his face.  _Still fake,_ Tsukishima observed with dread, and he hated how he could tell the difference. "We weren't that close anyways."

And just like that, the swelling in Tsukishima's chest ceased, giving way to a painful squeeze.  _Annoying_.

Then the spell was broken, and the clatter of plates and utensils resumed as clean up commenced. Either the group knew not to push the issue, or they truly believed Kuroo wasn't hurting. Tsukishima guessed he should be thankful for it, but it just made him sick.

"Hey man," Yuuji said as he rose from the table, having finished his food some time ago. "If there's no ring on his finger...well..."

Kuroo paled, and Tsukishima choked, and lucky for him, it was Yahaba who silenced Yuuji with a swift kick to the shin.

Tsukishima stood up stiffly, knowing he should probably be pissed at his boyfriend for such a morally controversial statement, but he didn't have it in him. All Tsukishima wanted to do was help clear the table, and retire to his room.

He didn't dare look at Kuroo again, but as the blond helped with the dishes, he knew it would be impossible to keep it up for a whole week.

 _Great_.

\--

Tsukishima stepped into the room he shared with Yuuji, noticing the strategically placed twin beds at each side of the room. Guess they were expected to keep things wholesome, not like Tsukishima minded. He wasn't exactly in the biggest mood to have sex.

Mostly he was just tired. Drained. Confused. All of the above.

He wanted to sleep. Part of him hoped to god that if he did, he'd wake up and everything up until now would be just a dream. But of course that wouldn't happen, he'd been wishing for it for a month, and still nothing.

Kuroo Tetsurou was real, and he wasn't going away. Honestly, Tsukishima didn't think he wanted him to, and that made everything worse.

He sighed to himself as Yuuji walked into the room, placing his suitcase on the bed. Tsukishima expected the rest of the night to go quietly, given his boyfriend must've been tired from the drive, but as he got ready to enter the bathroom to take a shower, Yuuji turned towards him in a flash. The movement was sudden enough to make Tsukishima stumble back, but Yuuji caught him easily, pulling him towards the empty bed.

Tsukishima gasped, gripping the other's shoulders to regain his balance "Yuuji--"

"I know what's going on with you."

Dread bloomed in Tsukishima's gut like a disease. His hands froze where they'd found purchase, and he fought to keep his face as neutral as possible. Yuuji's hazel eyes were boring into him, giving absolutely nothing away, and Tsukishima's nerves went haywire. Yuuji was usually so easy going, it was hard to remember how intense he could be. Persistent and childish. Fun loving and serious. Tsukishima was beginning to find that Yuuji was full of contradictions.

There were a lot of dimensions to him no one bothered to notice.

The occasional attention to detail was one of them.

It took everything Tsukishima had to stay relaxed in his boyfriend's arms as his mind raced with possibilities. He thought back to every exchange with Kuroo, every glance, any possible clue as to why this was coming up. Did Yuuji know? What had given them away?

 _Damnit_. There was  _nothing_ to give away. He and Kuroo were  _nothing_.

Tsukishima's stomach squirmed regardless, unconvinced.

"What do you mean?" Tsukishima cursed the whisper which was his voice right then, but he kept eye contact. It wasn't difficult. Yuuji had a weird calming effect on him. Despite the other's unending energy and impulsiveness, his eyes were always gentle when they looked at Tsukishima.

Caring. Genuine.

Comforting.

Oh. Right. How had he forgotten?

Slowly, Tsukishima felt himself relax for real into the other's touch, his pulse returning to a more acceptable level. He was being ridiculous.

He had nothing to hide but his own confused feelings, and he was perfectly capable of sorting those out in his own time. It was like he'd told Kuroo, they were nothing more than delusions.

They didn't mean anything, and if Yuuji had picked up on them, Tsukishima would crush any doubts.

If he and Yuuji didn't work out, it would be because they weren't right for each other. No other reason. Screw whatever connection Kuroo thought they had, Tsukishima wouldn't let it control his life as it was. Or at least, that's what he would tell himself whenever the butterflies in his stomach flared up, or whenever his heart raced strangely in Kuroo's presence.

For now, he'd set his eyes forward.

Yuuji rubbed his head into Tsukishima's stomach, snapping Tsukishima out of his thoughts. It tickled, and Tsukishima let a yelp or two slip against his will, and after a few beats of confusion, Tsukishima could tell Yuuji was grinning stupidly. "You're trying."

"Hm?" Tsukishima asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "Trying?"

"Yeah, with my friends and all," Yuuji continued, laughing sheepishly. "I know you don't like to talk much...and that you get nervous, even though to be honest...I don't really get why. But it means a lot to me that you talked a lot at dinner. These people are really important to me, I want you to like them."

Tsukishima's mouth opened, and no sound came out, but Yuuji didn't seem to mind as he went on. "Just...thank you, for giving them a chance and coming here with me. I know I kinda sprung it on you, but you've been really cool about it. It means a lot."

Yuuji pulled him closer, hugging Tsukishima's waist tenderly while the blond willed his breathing to return to normal. The house sounded far from quiet, with the occasional stomping footsteps and clatter from the upstairs level. But the moment didn't need the silence, Tsukishima reasoned. It made a statement all its own. Plus, silence had never been part of Yuuji's character, and Tsukishima was getting more and more used to that. Somehow, it all made him smile, despite the hectic day.

He returned the hug, not their first one since they began dating, but still new enough to make his skin prickle. Relationships were strange, the blond found. Bound to a traditionally agreed upon timeline, but skewed and rushed all the same depending on who he asked.

Don't call right away.

Hold hands first.

Kiss by the third date.

It was all so tedious and unnecessary. With some people, the rules didn't have to be obeyed. With some people, it just flowed in whatever way it chose to, and Tsukishima figured this was an example of that. They’d gone completely out of order, and he could live with that. He'd held Yuuji's hand before, but this moment made it feel twice as intimate.

Tsukishima felt his worries from before almost melt away, and he noted this was another thing people often overlooked about Yuuji. The way he could go from raising everyone's energy levels like a night club drug, to acting as the human equivalent of a muscle relaxer. Like everything in the world would be okay with a bit of rest, no need to think too much on it.

Yuuji was brash, but apologetic. He bulldozed and interrupted, but listened seriously. He never seemed tired, but slept like a log. And more importantly, he showed his gratitude whenever he could, like he recognized the importance of people's feelings in a way Tsukishima had never been able to up until a few years ago.

It was still very new to him, if he was being honest.

While Yuuji's childish disregard for people would rear its ugly head every now and again (as would Tsukishima's biting tongue), overall his boyfriend watched himself when it counted. It was astounding sometimes, thinking how Yuuji was so different from him.

"Please say something so I don't feel like an idiot," Yuuji muttered, and the movement of his mouth tickled Tsukishima's skin.

"You're not," the blond replied simply, still too wary to thread his fingers through the other's hair. It didn't feel natural yet, it didn’t feel like it was something he wanted to do. "Thanks for inviting me here. Stop worrying about me."

Yuuji's eyes peeked from where they'd been hidden in Tsukishima's belly, and the pure ridiculousness of the image had the blond snorting.

"So...you're having a good time?" His boyfriend asked, slowly, already charged with excitement.

Tsukishima nodded a few times, and that was that. It was concise, brief, but the relief rang clear as Yuuji grinned up at him, pulling him into bed with a loud creak of the headboard. Had the ceilings not been so low, the blond was sure his boyfriend would've leaped. And as much as Tsukishima playfully fought to push him away, he appreciated Yuuji when it came to these things too. Things were easy when it was just the two of them, without the outside drama and the worries plaguing Tsukishima's heart.

Yuuji made him enjoy the moment, a quality which Tsukishima had originally found odd, but later convinced him to date the other in the first place.

So really, as he fell asleep with Yuuji's arms around him later that night, Tsukishima couldn't help but be thankful for him. Different or not, he admired Yuuji in a way he'd never experienced before. 

And while something strange continued to churn in his gut, he managed to fall asleep soundly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope I can update soon, but once again I'm about to start school so please be patient with me <3 I love this fic and I do plan to see it through ^^ Thanks again, and comments are always appreciated! Stay tuned for an iwaoi reunion and more drama ;) 
> 
>  
> 
> [8tracks for this fic!](https://8tracks.com/xladysaya/let-my-love)  
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> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/itsloveuasshole)


	5. only fools rush in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh...so I know I've taken forever to update this, but I'm still here! I love this story too much to abandon it, but I've been super busy with school and other projects, so thanks for understanding! I hope I can have another chapter out soon, enjoy! Big thanks to EmeraldWaves for reading this over for me!

The earthy smell of the lakeside was something Tsukishima hadn't expected to enjoy, but standing out in the brisk morning air, he started to change his mind. Clutching his steaming coffee in one hand, he tightened the belt of his coat, pulling it snug around his shaking limbs. His glasses clouded at the contrast between warm and cold, but he didn't have enough energy, or care, to clean them. For once he felt no rush to do anything. The world around him sat still, almost frozen, the only indication of time being the chirping of birds and the rustle of bushes nearby. The mistiness of the air around him filled his lungs, cleansing them of any smog or clutter from the city.

Tsukishima was a urban soul at heart, not even growing up in the country changed that, but now he seemed to appreciate the calm quiet of the wilderness more than ever. The dark soil, the dew on the grass, he couldn't help but take it all in with fascination.

Free. Invigorating. And for just a moment, his problems felt miles and miles away. He was still painfully exhausted from waking up far too early, the sun barely beginning to peak over the horizon, but what else was new?

At least right here, right now, he had serenity, not the crushing weight of secrets and appearances.

Tsukishima took a sip of coffee, wincing as it burned his tongue but not bothering to pull away. It felt good, somehow. The burn traveled through him, waking him up as the caffeine raced in his veins, giving him fuel for the rest of the sure to be eventful day. Tsukishima was a stranger to most camp activities, but the ignorance actually helped in this case. He didn't feel as anxious about anything, well, except maybe--

"Oh, you're here," Kuroo said as he froze in the doorway of the house, the screen door banging obnoxiously into the silence behind him. It would've been hilarious, the image of Kuroo standing in a bathrobe with his leg outstretched awkwardly in the air, but the noise ruined it. Tsukishima cringed at the sound at the same time Kuroo did, and they both went quiet, waiting for a sign that anyone else in the house might've woken up.

Nothing.

Tsukishima exhaled, thankful, and Kuroo strolled up to him seconds later. Everyone had been tolerable so far, if not enjoyable to be around, but Tsukishima wasn't quite ready for the morning clamor to begin.

Somehow, his brain traitorously reminded, Kuroo wasn't considered a part of that, because Tsukishima felt no disdain at his presence. Secret or not, it was no lie Kuroo had been a part of his daily life for a while now. They'd gotten along from the start, and having Kuroo beside him felt about as natural as the sun rising ahead.

Tsukishima wasn't awake enough to hate the fact, so he begrudgingly let it slide.

A creak from the old house caused Tsukishima to tense, but it was nothing more than a squirrel running on the gutter. He sighed in relief.

As if reading his mind, Kuroo chuckled. "Don't worry, all of my friends sleep like logs, they won't be up until eight or nine at least."

"Please, Yuuji has never woken up before ten in the whole time I've known him," Tsukishima said, biting his lip at the mention of his boyfriend. Needless to say, it probably was an awkward topic for them, but either Kuroo was great at hiding his feelings or too tired to care, because he only laughed.

"Yeah, he's the worst. Even if he goes to bed early, he's a pain to wake up," Kuroo said, eyeing the woods ahead of them. He'd yet to meet Tsukishima eyes, which only struck him as a bad sign because of how infrequent it was. Kuroo always looked him in the eyes, too much so at times.

Maybe it was the insinuation of sex, or maybe just the reminder of Tsukishima's relationship that did it, but Tsukishima wished he hadn't said anything. There was no reason to feel guilty, and he knew Kuroo didn't hold anything against him, but...something was weird, something he couldn't pick out precisely without getting into the nitty-gritty of things, which he did not want.

Tsukishima went silent again, hating the now tense air permeating around them, staining the bubble of peace he'd managed to cultivate.

"You couldn't sleep," Kuroo stated, no trace of a question. His smile was almost smug, and Tsukishima couldn't help but glare.

"Yeah so? I have--"

"You have trouble sleeping. You toss and turn, go to bed late. Then you wake up early even though you're exhausted. I know. You've told me," Kuroo elaborated, voice growing more confident by the minute. Infuriating. Mostly because he was spot on, and Tsukishima had probably only mentioned it  _once_ before. It had been enough though. How much had Tsukishima shared with Kuroo?

"Feel good about yourself?" Tsukishima deadpanned, chugging the rest of his coffee and forcing himself to swallow the boiling liquid. He needed it.

"Most of the time, yeah," Kuroo said, smirking. "But mostly I like surprising you with my intricate knowledge of Tsukkiology."

"...Tsukkiology?" He couldn't help but repeat, fighting a smile, one that was only diminished by one observation. Kuroo still wouldn't look at him. "Are you serious?"

"Hey, it's a very difficult field of study," Kuroo said, throwing up his hand. "It's harder than med school, believe me. I worked hard to get to this point."

_Then look at me._

Tsukishima snorted despite the sudden ache he felt, pushing the feeling aside in defiance. "You're a dork, you majored in being a buttface, with a Masters in asshattery."

" _PhD_ thank you very much," Kuroo said, and they both grinned. But they could only play around for so long before the quiet overcame them again. They were out of coffee, something about the silence was far from comfortable, the banter was  _off_ because of it, and Kuroo still wouldn't  _look_ at him.

Tsukishima's hands tightened around his mug, the sole thing keep him from strangling Kuroo and yelling at him to spit it out.

What, he didn't know, hell he didn't even know if he wanted to hear it, given how it was likely to be less than pleasant, but the tension was killing him.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. Tsukishima hated confrontation, but this was Kuroo wasn't it? Obviously, he'd never had issues talking to him before, so whatever. They were going to do this now, had to do this now, before everyone woke up and Tsukishima was forced to endure this wall between them for the rest of the vacation.

Steeling himself, Tsukishima inhaled sharply, prepping himself for a conversation about god knows what. "Kuroo--"

"I'm sorry about dinner last night," Kuroo spat out, talking a mile a minute. The words spread out into the air, and Tsukishima swore even the birds stopped chirping.

Tsukishima's jaw hung open, startled. "I, the...what?"

Kuroo just wanted to apologize? _That's all?_

And all of a sudden, Tsukishima got his wish. Kuroo sighed, his shoulders slumping as he turned to finally face him. Their eyes met, and Tsukishima nearly dropped his mug from the force of it. Kuroo's eyes were so weird,  _abnormal_. Sharp and enticing, boring into him like pure gold, shining even against the dimness around them.

Tsukishima instantly felt that tension from earlier dissolve, melting and turning into a comfort, a reassurance. They were okay. Things weren't exactly all well and good but...in that moment, they were okay.

Tsukishima didn't understand why that felt so damn relieving.

Kuroo's eyes widened too, and Tsukishima stupidly wondered what he was thinking. If it was the same for him, that same, weird barrier crumbling right in Tsukishima's eyes. Feeling self-conscious, Tsukishima flicked his eyes to the ground, breaking the spell, and it did the trick.

Kuroo coughed, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his robe. "Yeah, I just...I was a jerk. I'm sorry, I won't do that again. I mean, I'm still coming to terms with..."

_Don't say it. Don't acknowledge it._

Tsukishima cursed himself. There was  _nothing_ to acknowledge.

Kuroo seemed to remember Tsukishima's thoughts on the subject too, because he quickly shut up.

"Um, nothing, anyways," Kuroo continued, his voice strained. "I hope you can forgive me for being so awkward about...whatever."

_What the hell am I supposed to say to that?_

God, neither of them made things easy, did they?

Tsukishima placed his hands on the railing of the porch, steadying himself. Thankfully, his mind and heart were ahead of him. Memories of the last night's dinner flashed in his mind, but one stood out.

Kuroo, bombarded with questions about his love life, his usually confident self shrinking under the pitying stares. How he'd frowned in disappointment, and how no one would get off his damn back.

Tsukishima had hated that, more than he could truly comprehend. He knew how sensitive Kuroo was about it deep down, and really, Tsukishima couldn't blame him for getting frustrated.

Tsukishima's involvement in the matter was a separate issue right then, one which Tsukishima hoped wouldn't come up again, but also knew that was wishful thinking. There was always more to say between them. But for now...

"You didn't do anything, it's alright," Tsukishima said with a smile, hoping it communicated  _enough_ of the storm of feelings inside him.

Kuroo paused, staring at him with the softest of smiles, and Tsukishima knew in an instant that Kuroo got the message loud and clear. "Yeah, okay."

Tsukishima hummed, looking out at the expanse of forest and the gravel road leading up to the lakehouse. For now, the wall between them was gone, and Tsukshima felt at peace once more.

Headlights in the distance, and the sounds of tires driving over the rocks halted the illusion though, grounding him back in reality.

"Who is that?" Tsukishima asked, squinting as he finally removed his glasses to clean them. There were no houses nearby, so maybe this person was simply lost, though it seemed unlikely. There had been signs everywhere...

"No idea," Kuroo said, already descending down the steps of the house. "But there's only one way to find out."

\--

Iwaizumi always,  _always_ labeled Oikawa as the dramatic one in the relationship. But for real, he felt like he'd been driving for  _years_.

His eyes ached, begging him to stop and get some shut eye. Everything in him screamed for sleep, but the sky advised otherwise. The sun was barely beginning to rise above the horizon, shining through the miles of forest and bringing the woods to life.

Had Iwaizumi been less tired, he would have marveled at the contrast between here and the city. After hours of driving, more than a few wrong turns, and several faulty GPS incidents, they'd finally made it to the lake house Oikawa had gushed about, and now he completely understood why.

Rolling down the window, Iwaizumi let the air wash into the car, the chill enveloping his senses and making his desire to see Oikawa all the more strong.

_Soon, soon..._

Suga jolted awake beside him as the tires of Iwaizumi's beat up car hit the gravel, blinking the sleepiness out of his eyes. While Iwaizumi knew they'd be driving for a good portion of the night, he hadn't expected to drive  _all_ night. It was worth it though, he was only a day late, and now he was within a mile of Oikawa, so close to touching him, holding him...

But it looked like he'd have to get some awkward introductions out of the way first.

When Iwaizumi cut the ignition of his car, he didn't even have a minute to relax. Ahead, on the porch of the house, were two figures, warily staring at his car.

_Well duh, I'm not supposed to be here._

"Hurry, before they think we're burglars," Suga commented, rubbing his eyes and slapping his cheeks until he looked refreshed and bright. Iwaizumi hated how he made it look so easy, like effortless beauty was Suga's natural setting.

Witchcraft.

"Early morning burglars?" Iwaizumi replied, yawning.

"It could happen."

And with that, they stepped out of the car, letting the chilly air and lack of exhaust fill their lungs, sparking them further into wakefulness. It was like being punched almost, but way more pleasant, and Iwaizumi was more than grateful.

"Uh hey, can I help you?" One of the guys said, and Iwaizumi couldn't help but marvel slightly at his intense bed head as he approached.  _How does this guy sleep?_

At least it made identifications easy. From Oikawa's stories, it was clear as day that this was Kuroo. The blond beside him though, Iwaizumi couldn't place.

Iwaizumi look his hands out of his pockets despite the freezing temperature, bowing politely.

"Yeah, sorry, this was supposed to be a surprise but I guess I didn't think it all the way through," Iwaizumi said, grinning sheepishly. "I'm Iwaizumi Hajime, Oikawa's--"

The gasp Kuroo gave was loud and dramatic enough to send both Iwaizumi and Suga back a few steps.

"You're the famous Iwa-chan, so you're really not some delusion Oikawa made up," Kuroo said, nodding in appreciation as his eyes roamed over Iwaizumi, almost like he was scanning him. He tried not to show how weirded out he was on his face. "Shirabu definitely owes me money now, he didn't even believe Semi when he told him about you."

The blond at Kuroo's side elbowed the raven promptly, and from the looks of it, rather harshly too. "Please. I thought you were supposed to be great in social situations..."

"Hey, I'm excellent at this stuff," Kuroo defended, elbowing the blond back. "And you didn't let me finish my coffee."

"Yes, because it was  _my_ fault."

"Thanks for admitting it."

"You--"

"Well, I'm having fun already," Suga interrupted, his smile immediately making all heads turn. His gentle eyes drifted to Kuroo, his head tilting as the usual glint of mischief flashed across his face. "Nice to meet you, um..."

Kuroo eyes widened slightly, finally taking Suga in, and yeah, he tended to have that effect on people. Iwaizumi chuckled to himself, not regretting his insistence on bringing Suga along with him.

He acted like a shield of sorts, since no one could really hate Suga, and Iwaizumi hoped that good favor filtered into him.

So far, it looked like Kuroo would be easy to get along with. This blond though...

"Tsukishima," the blond said, cutting Kuroo off before he could even utter a syllable. The tone was frostier than the weather, and Tsukishima's eyes gleamed with something less than friendly.

_Tsukishima..._

If Iwaizumi remembered correctly, Tsukishima was  _Terushima's_ new boyfriend. Oikawa certainly went on about his friends enough for Iwaizumi to keep up. But from how fun-loving and zany Terushima apparently was, it was a bit daunting to find out this was his boyfriend. Unless he was getting people mixed up again...

But oh well, if they were serious, Iwaizumi was going to be seeing a lot of the blond in the future, so he'd best get used to him.

"I'm Sugawara, but Suga is fine," Suga continued, unaffected by Tsukishima's demeanor. "It's nice to meet you, sorry for tagging along with Hajime here..."

"I hope you don't mind that I invited him," Iwaizumi scrambled to say. "Oikawa said there'd be more than enough rooms, so I just thought--"

"Don't sweat it," Kuroo said, raising his hands with a small laugh. "We don't mind, after all, you're going to make Oikawa obnoxiously happy now that you're here, so we couldn't exactly object. And I'm Kuroo by the way, but I'm sure with how Oikawa gossips, you knew that."

"Guilty," Iwaizumi said with a shrug, and from the way Kuroo laughed, he had a feeling he was already off to a good start. 

Kuroo smirked, stealing a glance at Tsukishima's stubborn expression and looking  _very_ close to commenting on it. But rather than have to break up another round of bickering, Iwaizumi spoke up, intent on moving things along.

"Should we move our bags?" he asked, more than eager to get into the warmth of the house. But more than that, the burn was back. He felt it everywhere, in his veins and under his skin, the overwhelming urge to see Oikawa, to touch him and look into his big brown eyes.

It had been too long, anything more than a few days was too long.

Iwaizumi's hands thrummed against his side, antsy and starving for contact with the person he loved most, and from the way Kuroo's eyes followed the motion, he wasn't hiding his thoughts well.

But screw it, when had Iwaizumi ever been shy about his feelings for Oikawa? They were too old for that crap, and it would've been difficult to hide anyways.

After all, this was Oikawa Tooru he was dating, and Iwaizumi in no way wanted to be subtle about it.

As if reading his mind, Kuroo shook his head in amusement, turning to look towards the large windows on the second floor of the house. "Oh, why not?"

Feeling the pull like a magnet, Iwaizumi fixed his gaze there as well, knowing soon that he'd cross the last barrier between him and his boyfriend.

\--

The first thing Oikawa thought when he woke up was that it was way too cold. The old walls of the house did nothing to keep out the morning air, letting it seep in and over him freely. He pulled the comforter tighter around his body, his long limbs sprawled out on the over-sized bed, and immediately wished it was Iwaizumi instead.

The warmth would've been much appreciated. The bed felt far too empty.

Oikawa swallowed thickly, grimacing at the foul taste in his mouth due to morning breath, and willed himself not to dwell on the thoughts.

They were all going camping today, and he'd get to take lots of cute selfies to send to Iwaizumi. There was no way he was going to allow himself to get all worked up again. If he sat and thought about it, it would only make things worse.

Missing Iwaizumi remained a constant and steadfast feeling lodged deep in his chest, but he wouldn't let it ruin his time with his friends. It wasn't like this was the last time they'd ever be together. Iwaizumi could meet them next time.

Exhaling slowly, Oikawa let the resolution sink in, not for the first time. This was sure to come up again, in the moments when he saw Semi and Shirabu holding hands, or when the view of the sunset felt far too romantic to stare at alone. But that was fine. He'd just keep reminding himself, as many times as it took.

He pulled the covers off in a frenzy, eager to shake off the weight as soon as possible. If he focused on getting ready, on making breakfast, on the camping trip, he wouldn't have time to think about much else. There was a lot to do.

His hair was a mess, he needed coffee, and he needed to pick out the perfect outfit for the day. There was no room for anything with worries like that to be dealt with.

Confident in his resolve, Oikawa's feet touched the ice cold floor, sending a jolt up his spine which caused him to shudder violently.

_That's one way to wake up._

Shucking on his nearest coat, Oikawa walked to his window, happy he had arrived early enough to score the room with the large bay windows, cracking molding or not. They overlooked the forest, the lake visible to the side.

_Perfect for sunset viewing._

Oikawa shook his head. No. Nope. Dangerous train of thought.

With a yawn, he drew back the curtains with a little more force than necessary, letting in the first rays of sun as they began to peak over the horizon. And then, like a strike of lightening, all his early thoughts were eradicated from his mind. The cold ceased to pierce his skin, the large curls of his hair sticking up seemed less important.

None of it mattered. Not now. 

Oikawa didn't really remember how he ended up on the porch, he just knew it happened in a split second, like he'd been controlled by some unknown force. He ran down the stairs, holding his breath the whole way, because he was definitely still dreaming. It was all a dream.

Even as he threw open the front door, he was convinced of it. There was no way...no fucking way.

But there Oikawa was, standing on the dusty porch without shoes and dressed in his pajama bottoms, his hair uncombed and the sand still in his eyes. He hadn't taken a breath, hadn't comprehended much of  _anything_ , except that in front of him was...

"Hey," Iwaizumi said, voice still riddled with evidence of exhaustion, and the one syllable seemed to stall everything, a moment frozen in time.

Iwaizumi was midway up the porch steps, suitcase in hand. Or, it had been in his hand. Now it was just sitting lopsided on the floor, Iwaizumi's hand outstretched as if he still held it.

_Dreaming, dreaming, you're dreaming..._

"Hi," Oikawa whispered, the mistiness in his eyes no longer attributed to his tiredness. His throat felt closed up, the scratchiness coming through in his voice. Kuroo and Suga were staring at him in amusement from the porch railing, Tsukishima standing close to Kuroo, and all at once it all came crashing down onto him. His feet were freezing, and he was  _awake_. More than awake.  _Alert_ , emotional, and above all else...

"Hajime!" Oikawa called, the happiness overflowing from his chest, so much so that he thought everyone might be able to feel it.

And just like that, time resumed.

There was something about seeing the person you love after even a brief period of separation. Nothing really changed. Iwaizumi looked the same, if not for the bags under his eyes and ruffled hair. The look in his eyes wasn't novel either, the adoration and loyalty shining through, all for Oikawa.

None of it shocked Oikawa, but his heart raced, and his palms sweat regardless. Because no matter how short the separation or how little the change, any time apart was simply too long.

Iwaizumi acted before Oikawa could even take one step, pulling Oikawa into a tight embrace. Yeah, that was  _definitely_ the warmth he'd been missing, no comforter would ever match up. Oikawa breathed out shakily, arms caressing his boyfriend's sides as if he'd disappear with any more force.

_Fuck. He's real. This is real. Okay._

After that, he didn't give a damn how hard he squeezed, Iwaizumi was  _there_ , in the flesh.

"What are you...how did you..." Oikawa tried his best to formulate full sentences, but it was a task. All he wanted to do was hug his boyfriend tighter, among...other things, but they had an audience.

"It wanted to surprise you," Iwaizumi said, threading his hand through the knots in Oikawa's hair. "I finished my work early because I wanted to see you...I...well...you--"

"I missed you too," Oikawa said with a snort, but the longing in his tone was unmistakable. "I'm so glad you're here..."

Iwaizumi nodded against him, shoulders trembling from either his stiff limbs or the weight of his joy. Maybe both. Either way, Oikawa would soothe both wounds. Now that Iwaizumi was here, everything would be perfect.

"Your hair is a mess," Iwaizumi muttered into Oikawa' shoulder, his voice quaking with a mix of laughter and emotion. "I missed you so much..."

_Fuck me, I'm going to cry. I can't cry in front of Kuroo. No. Nope._

Oikawa bit his lip, but sure enough, his eyes watered, and  _whatever_ , screw it.

Oikawa couldn't help but roll his eyes affectionately, kissing Iwaizumi's cheek. He buried his face in Iwaizumi's shoulder, breathing him in, and noting that he was the farthest thing from cold.

\--

After the tearful hellos and awkward introductions, Oikawa was gradually being reminded of everything he wanted and  _needed_ to show Iwaizumi.

_"This is our room! Oh and Suga can have the one down the hall, it's perfect, and the beds are so comfortable!"_

_"The view is best from this room!"_

_"You have to see the kitchen, it's probably worth a fortune. I'll try to make Semi bake for everyone later."_

_"Oh! And did you see--"_

It all went by in a bit of a whirlwind, but Iwaizumi didn't mind. His boyfriend would no doubt scold him for not listening later, but that was fine. He was just...so  _happy_ he was with Oikawa again, hearing his voice ramble on about every useless detail.

Well, they weren't useless to Oikawa, details never were, and Iwaizumi felt another surge of affection as he followed the brunet around the house.

Oikawa wasn't exactly quiet either, parading past the rooms without a care for how early it was. As a result, he'd basically met everyone along the way, even though some of them were less than friendly...though the anger ended up being directed less at him, and more at--

"Oikawa! Shut the hell up!"

Iwaizumi turned from where he was leaning against the kitchen counter, finding Terushima in a loose tank top and checkered pajama pants. His hair was probably somewhere between Oikawa's and Kuroo's in the competition for worst bedhead, and Iwaizumi did his best to keep his face neutral.  _Good impressions,_ he reminded _, good impressions._

Oikawa didn't care.

"Maybe if you take a shower  _first._  You look like you came from the seventh layer of hell," the brunet said with a smirk, dodging the slipper which was thrown at his head. It hit the wall with a slap, and Iwaizumi was suddenly thankful it hadn't managed to hit Oikawa. It probably would've knocked him the fuck out.

Suga snorted from the bar stool next to him, and Terushima's eyes glared playfully. "Oh, so you think this is funny? Not all of us can look so good with no sleep," he said, a yawn breaking up the words.

Suga laughed wholeheartedly this time, flipping part of his hair. "I'm glad I'm so lucky then."

Suga's eyes shone with mischief, but malicious intent was nowhere to be found. Suga had that way of drawing people in naturally. Hell, Suga had been in the house just as long as Iwaizumi, not even an hour, and he already seemed to be well liked. He even got a smile out of Shirabu, which from Oikawa's stories, was not an easy feat.

Iwaizumi sighed to himself, smiling as Oikawa gave him a look which communicated more or less the same thought.  _At least it makes me look better._

Terushima tilted his head then, almost like some evil plan was gradually forming in his head. He licked his lips, his tongue ring peeking out as he contemplated whatever idea he'd been struck with. Iwaizumi didn't know enough about him to determine whether it was a good or bad thing either. There really wasn't time to think about it either. As if the lightbulb finally went off, Terushima sidled up to the three of them, causing them to huddle on the small kitchen island.

It was comical really, and Iwaizumi wanted to comment on how they were too old for this, but in truth it was amusing. If he was already being entrusted with keeping secrets, he should take advantage.

Terushima nodded at Suga, his voice dropping into a whisper. "Hey...are you single?"

Suga's eyes widened, the smile dropping off his face. "Well...yeah but, I thought you were dating Tsukishima..."

"Oh, I am. I'm not asking for me," Terushima said, chuckling. "See, Kuroo--"

" _Yuuji_ ," a more than annoyed voice shattered their bubble, and Iwaizumi turned to find Tsukishima standing in the kitchen doorway, a frown marring his face. His arms were crossed, and he looked weirdly out of place.  _Uncomfortable_ almost, but it wasn't like Iwaizumi was completely settled in yet either. They were both new additions to the party of friends, so it made sense.

Terushima's head shot up like a bullet at the appearance of the blond. Not so much out of fear, but more...

"Babe! There you are," Terushima said happily, moving to wrap his arms around Tsukishima with no concern for the icy glare or stiff posture. Terushima seemed to know how to rectify that though. He pinched Tsukishima's cheek, stretching the skin until Tsukishima couldn't hold back a laugh any longer.

The blond's apparent disgruntlement receded, and he swatted at Terushima's hand. "Cut it out!"

"That's your punishment! When I woke up you weren't there..." Terushima sighed loudly, his voice giving way to a whine as he put all his weight on his boyfriend.

Tsukishima stiffened from the contact, adjusting himself as best he could to support Terushima. "Hey, it wasn't my fault. I couldn't sleep."

Terushima finally relented, arching a brow. "Huh? How come?"

"Remember? I have insomnia, it's hard for me to sleep," Tsukishima said, rubbing his eyes. Now that he said it, Iwaizumi did think the blond looked tired. The bags under his eyes could rival Iwaizumi's own.

Insomnia was no joke either, Oikawa suffered for it from time to time. Iwaizumi worried, but lately he'd been getting better. At the thought of getting to sleep in the same bed as his boyfriend again, Iwaizumi squeezed Oikawa's hand from under the counter.

"Oh yeah," Terushima said with a shrug, and Iwaizumi couldn't help but snort at the obliviousness. Granted, he never really understood people who couldn't get to sleep until he met Oikawa, so there was that.

"That sucks, you can still go camping with us right?" Terushima asked.

"I'm not dying, so yes," Tsukishima said with a snort. "Shirabu told me there'd be s'mores, so it's not like I'm going to miss it."

"There's the right attitude," Suga said from his seat, and at the mention of camping, Oikawa sprang into action once again.

"We still have to pack! Teru, what the hell are you doing? Get ready!" Oikawa called, throwing Terushima's slipper back at him with maximum force. "We have to get the tents and the food together!"

"Okay, fuck, calm down," Shirabu said grouchily as he entered the kitchen. "It's still early, and Eita already got all the tents and sleeping bags together, no thanks to  _you_."

Oikawa huffed indignantly, crossing his arms, and  _damn why is he so cute?_

"It's not my fault he doesn't ask for help!"

"You've known us how long again?"

"So, what can we help with?" Suga interjected hastily, as eager as Iwaizumi to avoid the catfight. It did the trick.

In the blink of an eye, Oikawa was pulling out a checklist, telling everyone what they'd need to pack and arguing about what kind of food to bring. As the kitchen began to fill with the rest of the house's inhabitants, every voice melted into the next, the discussion warping into a frenzy.

It was pure chaos, and Oikawa was at the helm, but Iwaizumi wouldn’t have expected any less.

Yeah, this was going to be interesting.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Comments are super appreciated! 
> 
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	6. clip these wings

Kuroo had seldom experienced this.

Behind him, Semi gathered up the rest of the camping tents and lawn chairs, stacking them neatly into a small wagon he'd managed to pull from the back shed. The contrast between the bright colors of the tent bags to the dull, faded wood of the squeaky wagon made Kuroo's head spin, and he glanced away, almost on autopilot.

Oikawa chatted happily in Iwaizumi's ear at the edge of the woods, the well-built medical student hauling a large backpack full of other provisions they probably didn't need, but Oikawa had insisted on. Shirabu glared at them, wrapped up in twenty or so layers to shield him from the morning cold, bitter his husband couldn't help provide heat at the moment. Kuroo might've mocked him, if he didn't feel so damn out of it.

There were many things Kuroo could've been doing, like helping Yahaba and Kyoutani gather the ingredients for s'mores from the kitchen, or aiding the search for Yachi's lost mittens. But still, he just stood there, like a tin man, that peculiar feeling permeating his mind and soul. Currently, he found that he'd been plagued with the inability to focus on  _anything_  except for the weight in his satchel. He adjusted the pack on his shoulders at the thought, feeling the warmth of the thermos he'd stuffed in it press against his lower back.

Kuroo sighed to himself, wondering why and how he'd really become so hopeless. He could blame it on being a nice guy all he wanted, but truth was--

"The hell is wrong with you?" Shirabu's tired, icy voice cut through Kuroo's anxieties, and he nearly jumped.

"Huh? Nothing," he answered easily, not letting the frustration in his voice come through. The problem with having the same group of friends for so long, was that they almost always could tell when something bugged him. Even worse, this was  _Shirabu_. As calm and confident as Kuroo seemed, and as carefully as he had responded, he still felt those damn hazel eyes boring into him, analyzing him like a court strategy.

_Dammit_. He resisted the urge to hold his breath.

Maybe it was the cold, or maybe he was simply too tired, but Shirabu believed him, his eyes blinking back into a bored state not a second later. "Whose bright idea was this again?"

Somehow, the disgruntled reply managed to ease some of the tension off Kuroo's shoulders, and he laughed lightly, watching his breath flow out due to the cold. "You know how Tooru and Teru are about their  _activities_. We have to be doing something, or else the vacation is a failure. Did you not see the itinerary Tooru emailed out?"

"First off, that goes against everything a vacation stands for. Second, there was an  _email_?" Shirabu sniffed, pouting as Semi ran back into the house, seemingly forgetting something.

_Welcome to my life_ , Kuroo couldn't help but think. People didn't tell him anything.

"Don't question it," Kuroo said with a shrug. "By my estimates, the plans will fall apart in a day or so, and we'll all just end up doing whatever we want."

Shirabu only grunted in return.

And Kuroo was probably right. Getting eight people to agree on something was difficult enough, adding more to that mix just made any attempt at scheduling a nightmare.

Oikawa had a plethora of 'necessary' events, from fishing, hiking, night walks, and even possibly horseback riding. Kuroo almost guaranteed they'd forget everything after getting through hiking.

And honestly, he preferred it that way. While he didn't mind spending time with his friends as a group, it unfortunately meant prolonged interactions between him and a certain blond, and Kuroo didn't know how long his heart could take it.

He would've much preferred to keep his distance, as painful as that itself would be. It sucked. Having that frustrating split between wanting to be close to Tsukishima at all times, but also knowing he should stay far away from him.

Although, given the hot thermos in Kuroo's backpack, he was probably already failing.

"Alright! Let's get movin' guys!" Terushima's voice made everyone's head turn towards the cabin, and Kuroo swore a flock of birds fled from the nearby trees from the inhuman volume of it. His cousin grinned broadly as he descended the steps of the lake house, his stylish grey coat keeping him nice and warm. Kuroo wondered if he even needed it. Terushima had always been so hot-blooded, a natural heater, moving around and braving whatever faced him. Needless to say, the cold didn't much affect him. Tsukishima on the other hand...

Well, Kuroo didn't bother entertaining the thoughts of sweeping the blond into his arms, because those were  _bad_  thoughts. But well, Tsukishima was the definition of freezing. The blond's body was tense, quivering slightly, and he immediately left Terushima's side to stand in the small pocket of sun shining through the trees. The blond gleamed in it. Of course he fucking would.

What other torture from the universe would Kuroo receive next?

As if feeling that unfair pull, Tsukishima's eyes flashed to his, and they both turned away, severing the gaze in an instant.

Before Kuroo could let his face heat up or his heart swell, Terushima was rushing ahead to where Oikawa and Iwaizumi stood, eager to get going. Oikawa claimed the role of 'navigator,' though Kuroo didn't know why it was needed in the first place. The woods were remote yeah, but not unused, and dirt paths littered the forest floor, making it difficult for people to get completely lost.

"Everyone ready?" Oikawa called, and they all gathered around him, slugging on their bags and carrying coolers filled with enough food for dinner. Yahaba dutifully double checked Kyoutani's pack, the to-do list in his head counting off.

Kuroo couldn't help but inch closer to Yachi, feeling alone amongst the sea of couples.

Man, if he thought his lack of romantic life was hard before, he'd been dreaming. Being single was one thing, but being single when the object of his affections stood holding Terushima's hand, well...that was something else.

"Wait, where's Suga?" Iwaizumi asked, and Kuroo had almost forgotten about their additional party member. It wasn’t in a rude way, just...he had a lot on his mind. If he was trying to avoid anyone else besides Tsukishima, it would be Suga. Not that the other man wasn't nice or anything. Kuroo had yet to really strike up a conversation with him, but everyone else had welcomed him easily. Suga was the king of first impressions it seemed.

However, Kuroo  _hated_  being set up with people, and judging from the teasing and provocative stares he'd gotten from his friends when he'd introduced himself to Suga, their intentions were clear.

Kuroo was not interested, plain and simple.

Almost immediately after Iwaizumi spoke up, the door to the house slammed open, and Suga hurried out with an embarrassed smile. Like the epitome of cute and carefree, Suga waved at them, and despite everything, Kuroo couldn't help feeling a bit more relaxed when Suga trotted up to the group.

"Sorry sorry! I wanted to make sure I grabbed my camera!" Holding up the fancy device, Suga beamed. "Memories are important after all, right Oikawa?"

"You know me so well Suga-chan," Oikawa hummed, eyes shining. Iwaizumi's face communicated nothing but pure adoration as his boyfriend fawned over the camera, and Kuroo wanted nothing more than to roll his eyes. It had begun.

Cheesiness he could handle, as long as he was the one being cheesy. Otherwise...

Kuroo turned away and started on the trail, willing himself not to pout as he watched Terushima throw an arm around the shivering Tsukishima.

_Well, otherwise things just fucking blow._

And it didn't stop either.

"How much farther?" Yahaba groaned, pushing Kyoutani off the trail when he laughed.

The trail they'd taken had involved some subtle hills and inclines, but had been mostly painless. The walk to Oikawa's chosen camping spot was only about a half mile from the house, but to Kuroo it felt never-ending.

While his normal pace and gait would put him at the front of the pack near Oikawa, Iwaizumi, and Suga, Kuroo had chosen to lag behind the party. Mostly because Terushima and Tsukishima had ended up in the middle, and if Kuroo was in front of them, it was almost like he couldn't physically  _prevent_  himself from wanting to turn back and peek. Given that Shirabu and Semi would normally walk next to him, that would've sent off warning bells even Semi couldn't look past.

Pathetic.

Walking behind everyone wasn't much better, especially since he had to suffer through Terushima's hand creeping to Tsukishima's lower back whenever he thought the others wouldn't notice. Not to mention the fact that yes, Tsukishima was really a sight from every angle, and Kuroo could feel himself grinding his teeth with each step.

The thermos weighed heavier now.

_Seriously, how much farther?_

Yahaba and Kyoutani, who had also ended up at the back of the group, weren’t bad company though. It was just...they were also love birds in their own, special way.

"I bet you an entire month of chores that you won't catch  _one_  fish tomorrow," Yahaba deadpanned, not taking his eyes off his husband. Wise, since Kyoutani usually wasn’t above surprise attacks, and-- _ah there it is._

Kyoutani moved his hand to jab his husband in the side, but Yahaba dodged it quickly, sticking out his tongue. Had Kyoutani not been hauling a large cooler in his other hand, a chase would've undoubtedly ensued.

"You're on," Kyoutani huffed, grinning as the challenge settled in his mind. Yahaba hummed playfully, nudging Kyoutani with his shoulder. They lingered like that, close and intimate, before pulling away for Kuroo's sake.

_Bless_.

Though, it didn't stop the flirting. Neither of them were good at backing down, and one would think it might lead to a lot of arguments, but it worked for them. In fact, Kuroo admired the couple. They never seemed to let disagreements get out of hand, and they yielded to each other more often than not. Compromise came easy to them, but with the absence of real conflict came...

"I'm not going to get scared!" Yahaba said with a glare, and Kyoutani flashed him a smirk, showing his teeth.

"Bullshit, you get scared at the smallest thing. I bet you..."

Yes.  _Bets_.

Kuroo shook his head fondly as the two went off, poking and prodding amidst their giggles. The softness which emanated from the pair as they toyed with each other was nearly too much, but Kuroo couldn't find it in himself to mind. One thing he could say about their group, was that if Semi and Shirabu played the role of the old married couple, then Kyoutani and Yahaba were the young lovers.

No matter how long they'd been together, the two had 'high school sweethearts' written all over them.

"No way! That's not even a fair trade, you  _like_  doing laundry--"

"Personally, I vote that whoever loses has to sit outside Oikawa's room tomorrow night and listen to all that goes on..." Kuroo couldn't resist but send them a lecherous grin, but even he cracked once he saw their faces pale. He all but cackled, and the offensive, unnatural sound caused the rest of the group to turn towards him.

Most of them just looked a mix of amused and annoyed, but the sight of Tsukishima's face as he tried to hide his smile in his hands caught his eye the most, and had all of Kuroo's laughter dying.

Shyly, he fixed his gaze on the dirt beneath his feet, shaking his head before his attention returned to the couple in front of him.

"Not even the world's most devout voyeur would want that," Yahaba whispered, and Kyoutani pulled up his coat's collar, muffling his laugh. Kuroo cracked a smile, and the next few minutes passed in the same way, like they were back in high school, making lewd and immature jokes at their friend's expense.

However, it was a path he should've steered away from, knowing romance to be a more dangerous topic for him than anything else.

"Speaking of getting some action Kuroo," Yahaba began, a twinkle in his eye, and Kuroo felt his stomach drop. "What do you think of Sugawara? He's cute huh?"

Kuroo struggled with his pack awkwardly, trying to shrug it off. At least he could be honest about this. "No...I mean, yeah! He is. He's really cute, it's just...I don't know, he's not really my type is all."

_He's not named Tsukishima Kei._ The truth rang inside him, and he tried not to groan. Hoping that the topic would be dropped after that was wishful thinking on his part.

Yahaba squinted at him, his voice still a whisper. "What do you mean? I didn't know you had a type..."

"I figured you must really love your right hand-- _ow_!" With a grin, Kuroo swung his heavy backpack at Kyoutani, making him stumble forward. Good.

Yahaba glared at his husband's crudeness, but chuckled nonetheless.  _Assholes_.

"Seriously though. What's wrong with him?" Yahaba questioned, his eyes intense and searching. Kuroo liked to joke that the brunet should've been a criminal interrogator, with persistence like that.

Kuroo stuttered, throwing up his hands in surrender. "Nothing! I'm just not feeling it!"

"You've barely talked to him."

"Well, yeah, but--"

"Is this about the dude at the library?"

"What? Oh my god,  _no_. Definitely not," Kuroo protested, hating that he knew it was a lie. But what did his friends know about that whole mess he'd gotten himself into? Nothing. And he planned to keep it that way. "Trust me."

The universe, as if sparing him, chose that exact moment to let Semi interrupt Yahaba's next round of questioning.

"I can see the clearing! Just a few more minutes!" He called, causing the group to sigh in relief. Semi looked about ready to scold them for being so out of shape, but well, they couldn't  _all_  be professional athletes. Everyone looked pretty out of it, well, except maybe Yachi, whose short legs were stronger than they looked.

Yahaba stretched gratefully, making a show of rolling his shoulders. His backpack was perhaps the smallest of them all, and Kuroo suddenly felt like kicking him.

"Finally, I'm starved," Yahaba said, but before Kuroo could slip back into his own thoughts, Yahaba's eyes narrowed. "And  _you_. Don't think I’ve forgotten our little chat..."

Kuroo opened his mouth, ready to fight him off, but much to his surprise, Yahaba cut him off. The brunet sighed, shrugging as a fond smile danced on his face. Kuroo's protests died in his throat, and he watched as Yahaba took Kyoutani's hand.

As the brunet turned away to start unloading all their provisions, he addressed Kuroo one last time, the meaning loud and clear. "Not everything has to be so serious Kuroo. It's okay to have a little fun, so let yourself, okay?"

And without waiting for Kuroo's answer, the couple walked ahead, leaving him alone on the stretch of dirt, his heart as heavy as his feet.

\--

If there was one thing Tsukishima hated, it was feeling useless.

They'd reached the clearing, the scent of moss and clear mountain air invigorating his body. He eyed the smooth surface, gazing at the natural greenery surrounding the small clearing for the briefest, most peaceful moment. And then, it vanished. Immediately, everyone started to work on pitching tents and setting up the rest of their campsite, the bustle drowning out the serenity of the wilderness. Bright colored tarps and rods littered the dirt, and Tsukishima was overcome with confusion. Nevertheless, everyone around him was doing  _something_ , and he hated being the most inexperienced in any realm or situation. If he didn't know how to do something, he'd learn how. Simple as that. He'd been subjected to enough people looking down on him in the past, and now the instinct to avoid it came to him like breathing.

It might be childish, but it got him through tough jobs and classes back in his university days.

So naturally, Tsukishima grabbed the nearest black tent rod, along with the pamphlet of instructions, and put his brain to work.

Camping wasn't exactly his idea, and he didn't know if he'd actually end up enjoying it enough to be worth all this effort. The moment of clear breathing had long since passed. His allergies were already somewhat acting up, and the clamor around him made it hard to think as he tried to absorb the instructions, but like hell would he just stand around.

Yuuji didn't seem to get that though.

The black rod was snatched from Tsukishima hands in an instant, and he blinked, turning to stare at his smug boyfriend.

Yuuji's sleeves were rolled up, exposing the edge of the tattoos which littered his biceps. Funny, it was one of the first things Tsukishima had found attractive about Yuuji, but as those strong arms reached to deprive Tsukishima of the tent instructions, he liked them less and less.

Barely dodging Yuuji's hands, Tsukishima stepped away, the pamphlet clutched to his chest. "Hey! What are you doing?"

"You don't need the instructions, I know what I'm doing alright? I've gone camping loads of times," Yuuji reasoned with a confident smile. "Just let me do it and--"

"I can do it too, just show me," Tsukishima scoffed, but he handed over the instructions anyways in favor of grabbing another nearby rod. He had no idea what it connected to or where it went, but he'd make Yuuji explain it to him.

A few feet away, he watched as Iwaizumi fumbled with his and Oikawa's tent as well, but Oikawa was quick to correct his mistake, showing him the ropes. Even Suga was trying to make sense of his own tent across the clearing, so there was no way Tsukishima would be the only newbie being lazy.

Again, the rod was taken from his hands.

"Babe...you don't know anything about tents, you'll just slow me down," Yuuji said, already beginning to connect the rods like a pro. "Why don't you just relax? I like when you sit pretty for me..."

Tsukishima only glared. Yuuji really wasn't helping his case, considering Tsukishima had already been subjected to his  _very_  conspicuous affections throughout the hike. Tsukishima didn't need him doing stuff like that in front of everyone, in private it was fine, welcome even. Out in the open...well, it just made Tsukishima want to shrivel up and hide from the world. Those sort of things...they were special, as lame and absurd as it sounded.

His dignity was also  _quite_  special, and there was no way in hell he'd just sit and 'look pretty' during this trip.

"Just let me... _help_ ," Tsukishima ground out the word, because no, he was not used to admitting things like that, but damn, he was being really pushed today. "Or show me how, so I know--"

" _Psh_ , you don't need to know," Yuuji said, tying the ends of the tents down. "And 'sides, it'll take longer if I have to guide you through it, you don't know the first thing about pitching the--and you know what, the instructions take too long too!"

Yuuji, obviously not sensing the edge to Tsukishima's voice or the fact that his temper was steadily rising, threw him another brash grin. "Don't worry about it angel, I don't need you for this."

_'I don't need you.' Fine._

If he were about ten years younger, he might've sneered or kept up the fight, or all out dismissed his boyfriend altogether. However, Tsukishima was far above picking fights for silly, meaningless reasons. It was a tent. No big deal. If Yuuji didn't want his help, he'd go see who did.

Taking a deep breath, Tsukishima let all the remnants of petty anger flow out of him, feeling about as mature as a middle schooler. Honestly, he needed more sleep...

Watching his boyfriend dutifully hammer the tent down, Tsukishima almost felt bad for being a nuisance, but he shook it off. Yuuji had completely overlooked Tsukishima's annoyance, probably hadn't even noticed it. No, his boyfriend was as content as ever, aware of nothing wrong.

Maybe it was better that way.

Still, Tsukishima couldn't help how his shoulders slumped as he walked off towards the other end of the clearing.

And wow, what a mistake.

In front of him, a few tents were already assembled, and now most of the group worked on organizing the supplies. Tsukishima's eyes were drawn to a head of messy, black hair, and his feet followed before he could even register what he was doing.

Sue him, Kuroo was someone he knew. It was only natural to gravitate towards peers. No one else knew that...but whatever.

Stepping closer, the words he heard made him freeze.

"C'mon Kuroo..." Semi's voice was a low whisper, his grin teasing. His shoulder kept bumping into Kuroo's as they unloaded some of the coolers, his eyes darting between Kuroo and Suga.

Oikawa had also jogged over at some point, his fingers poking at Kuroo's abdomen. "Go talk to him!"

For some unwelcome and unknown reason, it made Tsukishima's hackles rise something fierce. His shoulders tensed, and he couldn't help but grimace, like he'd just stepped in actual dog shit.

What was wrong with him today?

Ignoring his weird reaction, Tsukishima walked closer to the group, getting to see Kuroo's face light up with a blush. It wasn't the first instance sure, Kuroo blushed all the time around him, though Tsukishima pushed away the memory as soon as it appeared. But it wasn't directed at Tsukishima this time, Kuroo's bashfulness, and that didn't sit right, which in turn made no sense either.  If Tsukishima had the time, he would've picked the uneasiness in his mind apart until not a trace of it was left.

Unfortunately though, he had no time, so he was forced to ride the wave as he kept listening to the conversations around him.

Kuroo didn't exactly look enthused about the idea of talking to Suga, but even still, Tsukishima felt like kicking over a cooler.

"Yeah, he needs help with his tent..." Oikawa said, way too suggestive to not be taken some other, obscene way, and Kuroo notably blanched.

"I mean, he...he looks--he's handling it," the raven stammered, pushing Oikawa away lightly. Glancing over, Tsukishima noticed Suga was definitely  _not_  handling it. All his tarps and rods were still littered on the dirt, the parts mixed up and tangled together. Tsukishima didn't know whether to be amused or filled with dread, because a second later...

"Suga-chan! Do you need help with your tent? Kuroo's an expert," Oikawa called out, much to Kuroo's quiet protests. Suga's head turned, his smile bright and humble. Tsukishima's mood plummeted further.

Rubbing the back of his head, the sun shining on him between the trees in some unfair way, Suga nodded, his voice cute and kind. "Ah...if you wouldn't mind Kuroo-san...I'd--"

And of course, before Tsukishima could stop himself, the words tumbled out. "I'll help you."

All heads turned to him, but he met Kuroo's gaze alone, a mistake they kept making.

"Um..." Semi began, but Tsukishima wasn't interested.

Without waiting for a reply, he stomped over, sitting himself down besides Suga and trying his best not to scowl at the tent instructions while he spoke. Guess he gets to be useful after all. "I want to learn how, so--"

"So we can do it together!" Suga interrupted, and Tsukishima was blinded by the radiance of his smile. Not only that, but the comfort it conveyed greatly contradicted the war trying to wage itself in Tsukishima's head. The worst part was, now that he was face to face with the silver-haired beauty, it was nearly impossible to dislike him.

Tsukishima didn't even know why he'd want to dislike him in the first place.

_Dammit_.

Fortunately, the discontent faded fast as they began to busy themselves.

"I bet we can figure this out easy," Suga said, his confidence almost making Tsukishima believe him. Suga was surprisingly easy to work with, and Tsukishima felt in his element with deciphering the pamphlet. He directed Suga about what connected where, and the other dutifully listened and asked the appropriate questions. It didn't take them long to get things organized, and both felt they'd actually shown a fair amount of progress.

Well, until about ten minutes later, when they were blinking cluelessly at the tent parts yet again.

_So much for getting ahead_. They were notably stuck, and the instructions could only lend so much aid. The preparations were complete, but actually putting the tent up...

Tsukishima sighed, pulling at the ends of his hair as he surveyed the rest of the camp. Mostly everyone else had already managed to get their tents built, including Yuuji, who now busied himself with creating a fire pit. Yuuji wouldn’thave been much of a teacher anyways...

"Hm, I'll go see if Iwaizumi can help," Suga said, brow furrowed as he rose to his feet. Tsukishima took note of Suga's decision to not ask Kuroo, though Kuroo and Semi were closer to them and more accessible, but Tsukishima didn't bother raising the question. Whatever reasons Suga had, they weren't of Tsukishima's concern. And if Suga ever did decide to talk to Kuroo...well that wasn't Tsukishima's concern either.

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Tsukishima snorted, flashing the other a small grin. "Assuming he and Oikawa aren't making out somewhere..."

The couple had conveniently vanished to 'survey the grounds' a few minutes prior, but Tsukishima wasn't as much of a prude as he looked. Also, he didn't think anyone was  _that_  naive.

Suga snickered, his smile just as evil as he dusted off his pants. "I'll tread carefully, I don't wanna go blind."

Tsukishima masked what would've otherwise been a  _horrendous_  laugh with a cough, but Suga saw right through him, smirking as he journeyed into the woods.

Tsukishima welcomed the brief moment of alone time, given he'd been surrounded by people all day, and not necessarily quiet people either. Nothing against them either, Tsukishima simply needed his moments to recharge. If not he'd get grouchy, and then Yuuji would complain. He never really did get the whole 'low social battery' concept. But that was fine, they'd deal with it eventually...

Tsukishima paused as he reached for one of the black rods in front of him, the word not sitting right in the pit of his stomach.  _Eventually_.

Closing his eyes tightly, Tsukishima took three deep breaths, counting as he felt his lungs fill and deflate. The need for a distraction was all consuming.

Focusing on the tent helped, although it was frustrating in its own way. The steps which turned the flat tarp and rods into an actual structure were lost on him, and Suga had yet to return. His peril didn't go unnoticed.

Tsukishima tried to feel grateful, but...

"Here," Kuroo said, grabbing the rod just above where Tsukishima's hand sat. He wondered if he imagined feeling the heat radiating off Kuroo or not, but reasoned that no, Kuroo simply seemed like the type to give off  _warmth_. Tsukishima's breath caught, but the anxiety didn't come with it, nor did the disappointment of being interrupted. It was just...Kuroo.

For the briefest second, Tsukishima couldn't help but picture a pair of bookends. Strong, sturdy, a  _pair_. They simply went together, naturally, helping each other to support rows of books and  _weight_.

Tsukishima raised his head, and for the first time that day, their eyes met on purpose.

_Yeah_...

This whole getaway was feeling more and more weighty by the minute, and Tsukishima could see the weariness in Kuroo's face. Guess they both hadn't slept very well. Tsukishima probably should've asked.

_But that's fine._

At least they could go easy on each other, bearing the burden which Tsukishima refused to call attention to.

Tsukishima was a stranger dealing with a new group of people, and Kuroo was being nagged about his love life. Those were the situations, nothing more to them.

"Are you going to do it for me?" Tsukishima sighed, the fight in him dying. Kuroo collected a few rods in his hand, and for a minute, Tsukishima thought he might do exactly that.

But no, Kuroo was a little shit.

"Where's the fun in that?" He asked, that stupid grin blooming across his face,  _mocking_. He backed away, looking over the 'damage' that was Tsukishima's flat shelter with a pitying face.  _Asshole_. "Well, not to say I didn't expect this..."

Tsukishima scoffed.  _So that's how it's gonna be..._

Now see, Tsukishima knew when he was being baited, but like hell would he ignore Kuroo's dramatic sighs and stupid expressions.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Tsukishima grappled for the rods, but Kuroo strategically side stepped him. Had Tsukishima been clumsier, he would've slipped in the dewy morning moss which lined the edge of the forest. His new goal: make Kuroo slip on it at some point.

"I'm  _just_  saying," Kuroo sighed, his hand over his heart. "It really is sad, but I wouldn't expect a delicate city boy like yourself to know anything about the intricacies of tent building and the logistics behind--"

"Oh my god, don't even go into science paper mode, I'll kick you," Tsukishima said, lunging for the tarp before Kuroo could snatch it away.  _Ha_. "Fuck your logistics."

"Such language, truly uncultured-- _ah fuck_ , get away!" Kuroo pouted as the rods were ripped from his hands, and Tsukishima did his best to not grin victoriously. He was above that. Sort of.

He wasn't as strong as Kuroo sure, but he didn't let himself get distracted by his own dramatics.

"You're from the city too, y'know," Tsukishima said, twirling the rods like batons in his hands, his grin subtle, but he knew Kuroo could sense the smugness. Hours of silent communication while Tsukishima worked the library front desk had certainly helped with that.

"Yes, but I've gone camping at least once a year since I was  _ten_ , thank you very much," Kuroo said, his hands on his hips.

Tsukishima was unimpressed. "If that's true, then I'd have a place to sleep by now," he said, gesturing to the tarp sitting at his feet.

The banter was welcome, familiar, and not to mention a relief. Things were still sort of off between them, but at least their easy conversations hadn’t changed. Kuroo would always be a dork, and Tsukishima would always take great joy in annoying him about it.

"I'm just waiting on you," Kuroo said, his smug grin melting into something softer, something just as familiar, but maybe not as welcome. Or at least, that's what Tsukishima insisted.

The words also carried another kind of weight, but Tsukishima refused to lean in and support that too.

Taken aback, Tsukishima's grip on the rods lightened, and he grasped for them clumsily. "Huh?"

Kuroo chuckled, handing Tsukishima a small hammer. "You want me to break a sweat all by myself? I'm here to help remember? But I won't just do it for you."

Tsukishima's lips parted, but no sound came out. No witty retort about how Kuroo couldn't possibly 'break a sweat' pitching a tent, no complaint, not even a thank you, which would've been the most genuine response.

Tsukishima just let his heart skip a beat, ignored it, and let the echo of the words fade away in his head.

"So, you gonna help?" Kuroo asked again, but he smiled like he already knew the answer, raising the hammer once more.

Without hesitating, Tsukishima took it.

\--

"No making out," Shirabu declared, face as blank as ever. His voice carried into the darkness, only accompanied by the sound of the crackling wood in the fire. "In fact, no affection whatsoever. If you touch someone, you're out."

"What do you mean, out?"

"I mean  _out_. Like into the woods. Good luck."

The group around the campfire laughed, and Semi pouted, playfully trying to hold Shirabu's hand out of spite. Of course, he relented after a few seconds, and the gentle smile on his face was one only Semi could bring out.

Kuroo snorted, busy putting together his second s'more. The day had gone by peacefully, if not a little too quickly. After putting up the rest of the tents and making sure the rest of the equipment was laid out, Kuroo had gone with Yachi to fish by the river while the rest of the group went on a hike.

Kuroo wasn't against the exercise, but he needed a break. Hanging out with Tsukishima and teaching him the ropes...it served as another unfortunate reminder of the feelings he harbored deep in his chest. The conversations, the movements...everything came so naturally between the two of them, and going from  _that_  to having Terushima sweep the blond in a kiss...well, Kuroo didn't need to see more.

He needed to stop moping so damn much. Tsukishima was his friend, and he deserved some time with his boyfriend without having Kuroo lingering. It hurt more than it should've, but...yeah.

Besides, fishing with Yachi had never let him down. The girl had a gift, and she was always the designated hunter when it came to their camping trips. At least, back when they had the time to go camping more often than once a year. It was like she was Poseidon's daughter or some shit, with how well she caught enough fish for the whole party.

Then again, Yachi had been raised by nature enthusiasts, so it made sense.

Joking around with the peppy girl and watching her in her element had been just what Kuroo needed. As anxious as Yachi could get at times, she was a constant source of comfort and calm for everyone, had been ever since she'd been 'sworn in' back in high school.

Their quality time couldn't last forever though. Once the sun fell below the horizon, the rest of the group returned, and everyone agreed it was time to break out the chocolate, graham crackers, and marshmallows.

That was all good in Kuroo's book too, since he got to watch Tsukishima stuff his face. The blond had already consumed four or so of the sweets, the chocolate staining his fingers...

Maybe Kuroo should be worried, but it was simply too cute to question.

"What? That's so unfair!" Oikawa shrieked, clinging to Iwaizumi as a gust of cold wind blew through the clearing. Kuroo pulled his coat tighter around his shoulders, and the couples instinctively huddled closer. Yachi was the only one without any issues, since she had called the space closest to the fire. If Kuroo had gotten dibs just a second sooner...

"Boo-hoo, if you want to be gross, walk back to the cabin," Shirabu said with a sniff. "I won't let you taint our campsite with serial killer mating calls. Also, I don't want to be scarred for life hearing what you sound like in--"

"Ew! Don't make me think about it!" Yahaba cried, flinging a marshmallow at Shirabu's face. Kyoutani shrugged next to him, and threw one too, probably just for the sake of supporting his husband. Goals.

"In my case, I don't want to remember it," Suga said, smiling apologetically at Iwaizumi's shocked expression. "What? The walls in our apartment are  _thin_."

The group cackled, and Kuroo couldn't help but join in, trying to keep his laugh from going into full on ugly mode.

"You all fucking suck, and you're just jealous," Oikawa said, his confidence earning him some marshmallows to the face as well.

The only one who spared him was Tsukishima, but Kuroo was pretty sure it was on account of not wasting his food, not any actual kindness.

Iwaizumi was burning up from the insinuations flying around, obviously not used to the group's lack of shamelessness. Kuroo couldn't help but laugh as the medical student pushed Oikawa and Suga off the log they were occupying.

_Oh, he'll learn soon..._

Suga had already gotten used to it, taking part in their banter easily.

"Okay, but in truth we're just worried about you," Semi told Oikawa, his grin laced with rare mischief. "You are the most likely one here to get slashed to bits while fooling around in the woods."

" _See_ ," Shirabu chimed in.

Suga winced. "It's true."

Oikawa sputtered, pointing an accusing finger at where Kyoutani and Yahaba were snuggled together. "What about  _them_? Or you guys! There are four couples here, no way I'd crack first!"

"You're the thirsty one though, no need to be ashamed," Terushima said, his arm wrapped lazily around Tsukishima's waist. As another rush of wind came through the woods, Tsukishima pulled him closer, desperate for warmth.

Kuroo sure hoped they all took Shirabu's words to heart, because he really didn't need to see any more public displays from the two.

" _You're_  one to talk." Oikawa glared, but the brunet bit his lip. There were lots of possible scathing remarks to throw back, considering Terushima had more than a fair share of partners in the past, but they weren't exactly ones to shame for that kind of thing. Especially not in front of Terushima's newest boyfriend.

They had class  _dammit_.

"I got out all my urges before you guys got here," Shirabu deadpanned, and Semi nearly choked on his s'more.

"As if I'd ever let myself be fucked anywhere near the dirt floor," Yahaba reasoned, and Kyoutani didn't exactly object.

"Mm," Yachi hummed, and from the look of it, she was about to throw a whole wrench into the discussion. Man, Kuroo adored her. "If there's more than one couple in the horror movie though, does it cancel out, or is it just a lottery system?"

The group paused, tossing her words around.

Tsukishima hummed, and Kuroo was immediately drawn to the sound. Hell, everyone was, the blond had been so quiet all night. The wheels in the blond's head were notably turning, and Kuroo just  _knew_  he was taking this whole thing seriously. He loved horror movies after all. They both did. "If a couple doesn't die first, then it would be the first person to walk off alone..."

"Or one of the single people," Kuroo said, begrudgingly.

"Sounds rough." Tsukishima grinned his way, and Kuroo stuck out his tongue in defiance. As if he'd let himself be killed so easily. He was six feet of pure  _man_ , and he'd like to see someone  _try_  to murder him.

Yachi, who was nowhere near as confident, squeaked from her perch, and locked eyes with Kuroo.

"Don't worry Hitoka," Terushima said, grinning. "You and Kuroo just use the buddy system."

"Hey! What about me?" Suga laughed. Kuroo had to remind himself that Suga was in fact single. Weird he'd forget, considering he was constantly being pushed to flirt with the other, but well, someone as fun loving as Suga had to have a lot of suitors. His single status was a mystery.

"Oof, good point," Terushima said. "You're pretty,  _and_  single. You better sleep with one eye open."

"I think you look too nice to be killed first," Tsukishima jumped in. "You'd last until the end of the movie, halfway at the very least."

The group seemed to agree on that, a chorus of hums ringing out. Suga beamed.

"I still think Oikawa's gonna die first," Shirabu declared, and Semi nodded solemnly, struggling to keep a straight face.

"Fuck you."

"No thanks."

"There's no way I'd die before getting my souvenir okay?" Oikawa insisted, referring to his ritual of buying a new keychain from every location he visited. It was almost obnoxious, how devoted he was to it, but Kuroo had to admit, the brunet's collection sure did impress. "I'm going into town tomorrow, and Iwaizumi and I are turning it into date night."

"Huh, gross," Kyoutani said, and yeah, Kuroo agreed.

Going into town wasn't a terrible idea though. The little strip of stores at the base of the woods didn't offer much other than a bookstore, a few bars, and some local restaurants, but it was quaint enough to warrant a visit.

But man, Kuroo soon resented the topic for being brought up at all...

Oikawa gasped, ignoring the taunts around him, and grabbed Suga's hand. "Why don't you come!"

Suga blinked, taken aback. "Uh...sure? But, doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the date?"

"Not if you bring Kuroo! He needs to get out more, we can double!" Oikawa cheered, very pleased with himself, but Kuroo just felt his stomach sink. "It'll be fun! Right Iwa-chan?"

Iwaizumi only nodded, probably used to just giving Oikawa whatever he wanted when he got excited enough.  _Whipped bastard, put up more of a fight!_

Though, Kuroo should've expected this from his friends by now, and he hadn't exactly been able to sit them down and tell them to give it a rest.

Looking over at Suga though, Kuroo felt his resolve wavering.

"Well, sure...if it's okay with Kuroo," Suga said, voice suddenly shy, his smile light and welcoming. Then in a blink, it felt like all eyes were on the raven. No, they  _definitely_  were.

_Shit_.

Aside from the fact it would be impossible to say no in this kind of situation, Kuroo wasn't completely against going out for a drink with the group. It was more the possible misunderstandings which made him sweat. Would this end up being a serious thing? Would Suga want to go on a  _real_  date later? Kuroo just wasn't sure.

Did he need to be?

Yahaba's words bubbled to the surface of his mind, unforgotten and unrelenting.

_"Not everything has to be so serious Kuroo. It's okay to have a little fun, so let yourself, okay?"_

Suga was great, he was fun to talk to. What was wrong with indulging in that, just for the night? Even if it did end up going into awkward territory, they weren't going to be on this vacation forever.

"Wow, thanks for the invite," Terushima said, breaking Kuroo's thoughts, and like an idiot, he looked over to where he and Tsukishima sat. 

Those honey brown eyes burned into his. In reality, Tsukishima looked calm, indifferent, but Kuroo knew better. The blond was biting his lip, his hands clutching at the sides of the log. Kuroo wasn't exactly sure what emotion swam in those eyes he loved so much, but it was  _there_ , and he felt it.

Something ugly rose up in him at that, a spark of immaturity he thought he'd ditched long ago. Tsukishima refused to acknowledge the weird pull between them, but he couldn't possibly keep that up for long. It was  _real_ , and part of Kuroo wanted an admission of that, any  _indication_ that this was just as hard on Tsukishima as it was for him.

So yeah, maybe Kuroo was being childish, maybe he secretly liked making Tsukishima endure what he'd been dealing with ever since they'd arrived at the cabin, ever since they'd  _met_. But none of that stopped him from awkwardly smiling Suga's way, his mind somewhat set.

"Uh….sure."

And as soon as the words were out, his stomach sank, and he backpedaled like there was no tomorrow.

_Oh my god, what did I just do?_

Kuroo didn't dare look back at Tsukishima, but he could feel his gaze, could always feel it, no matter how crowded it got around them. It made him sweat, and all at once, he regretted his decision. Emotions were stupid like that sometimes, he knew it, but damn why’d he have to jump into things so fast?

Pettiness would get him nowhere, and it wasn’t exactly fair to himself or Tsukishima. Or _Suga_ for that matter.

_I’m a piece of crap. This is fine._

"Oh, um yeah! Great!" Oikawa said, clapping his hands together. Kuroo's willingness probably came as a shock to everyone, but thankfully, no one said anything. Suga smiled at him again, and Kuroo felt a bit better. "And shut up Teru-chan! You guys can come too! We should all go! We can go dancing, and--"

"Pass," Shirabu and Semi said at the same time, and soon everyone else was echoing an affirmative.

"Looks like it's just a triple date then," Terushima said, kissing Tsukishima on the cheek, their hands intertwining.

Tsukishima smiled, and for the rest of the night, he scarcely looked Kuroo's way. The raven didn't want to read too much into that. In reality, he shouldn’t have been acknowledging Tsukishima’s discomfort, if it existed at all, but…he knew when something was off between them. His mind was still a muddled mess of jealousy and guilt, and he’d probably mess up again because of it, but he’d make it up to the blond somehow, starting tonight.

As for the rest of the week though… _yeesh_.

All he knew was tomorrow night would sure be eventful.

\--

Later on, when the fire had died and the campsite had fallen silent, Tsukishima went to sit alone by the charred remains, trying not to think about what the next day would bring.

He'd snuck out of his and Yuuji's shared tent, sure that sleep would not come anytime soon. He blamed the restlessness of his mind on his usual insomnia, and not the unwelcome heaviness in his heart.

As he sat by the ashes and shivered from the chill, his tired eyes landed on the thermos which was perched in front of him, bright red and impossible to miss. There was a gaudy pink sticky note on top of it, and Tsukishima's seemed to know who was behind it before his brain did.

Tsukishima swallowed, delicately plucking the paper off the thermos as he picked it up. He got out his phone, shining a flashlight onto the unmistakable handwriting.

Tsukishima's heart skipped a beat as he read the words, and his grip on the flask was near tight enough to dent.

_I made you some sleepy time tea. I hope it helps. Sweet dreams. - Kuroo_

Tsukishima didn't dare look near Kuroo's tent, unsure of what would happen if he did. His eyes shut tight, his breath stuttering ever so slightly as he wrangled in his emotions, not willing to break just yet.

After all, he had a date tomorrow. They all did. But he guessed he didn't have to think about things like that.

Instead, he crumbled the note in his hand, but refused to throw it out, and gently unscrewed the thermos' lid.

Later that night, before his eyes shut, he made a mental note to return the favor one day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading everyone! I hope you appreciate the longer chapter lol sorry for never updating ^^'' Hopefully they'll come more frequently though, since my other multichapter will be all finished by next week! Thanks again, and comments are always appreciated! <3   
> Oh, also I put the playlist on youtube so it's more accessible, check it out [here!](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzpwgdyDGaO8yRC7oPW_18rlwtwr64u2p)
> 
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> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/itsloveuasshole)
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	7. lows before the highs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....hello. LOL. okay listen, I'm sorry this update took forever, it has been done for a little over a month now, but I was holding back on posting it due to reasons, but I got over myself and decided to just do it (thanks to my friends who supported  <3). I do apologize for how long it took tho, so hopefully the fact that it's an extra long chapter makes up for it! Next chapter should be shorter, so hopefully it comes quicker pft. Thanks to all of you for your patience and I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Thank you to [EmeraldWaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldWaves/pseuds/EmeraldWaves) for reading this over!

Yuuji seldom stayed quiet. He jumped around, his voice booming, and every piece of slightly above par news would make him cheer or beam in delight. Everything about him was loud, outspoken, unreserved.

Tsukishima never understood why. They were the exact opposite in nature from the very beginning, but somehow, Tsukishima had overlooked that. Tsukishima hated admitting he was wrong though, that maybe it hadn't been his best decision.

He admired Yuuji, he  _really_  did, but maybe he'd turned a blind eye to other things...

He was still stubbornly holding onto that thread, the thread which linked him and Yuuji together.

_Because you're afraid._

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, trying to not let his mind run wild with undeserving emotions, ones someone in a committed relationship weren’t meant to feel. Letting his mind stray too far was dangerous, especially when it had to do with--

_Stop._

_Right there. That's not what we're going to think about._

As if to prove it to himself, he kicked the thermos which sat at his feet under one of his blankets, not wanting to let it get to him.

Kuroo's note still sat stuffed in his bag.

_So much for not thinking about it..._

Tsukishima sighed, and turned to stare down at his sleeping boyfriend. It made a small, fond smile break out on his face, and Tsukishima didn't question whether it was genuine or not. Yuuji snored sometimes when he slept, but it was still the quietest Tsukishima had ever heard him be in their short time together, and it was a nice side to him.

Just because Tsukishima didn't share his boyfriend's boisterous traits didn't mean he couldn't appreciate them. They weren't inherently bad or negative, and Yuuji was far from a bad guy.

Considering the men Tsukishima had run into in his life, he was probably one of the nicest.

But well, maybe he shouldn't have based the decision to date Yuuji entirely off that.

Yuuji was an endless spring of energy, and while Tsukishima had hoped it would be good for him when they'd first started dating, it quickly became hit or miss depending on the day. Sometimes Yuuji would pull him out of his apartment and they'd go on some spontaneous adventure to a new restaurant or a show, and it would be just what Tsukishima needed to get out of his comfort zone.

They'd have fun together, they'd kiss sometimes and Yuuji would hold his hand whenever he could...but most of their romantic intimacy was purely physical if Tsukishima was being completely honest.

The night would be fine though, and Tsukishima would go to sleep content. They were friends too, underneath it all. Tsukishima would never deny that.

Other days however...Yuuji simply drained him until he collapsed from mental exhaustion, or got snappy. The main issue was Yuuji never took no for an answer, so even if Tsukishima wasn't in the mood to go out or speak, he would be pulled in, time and again.

He wondered why he'd never noticed that before, why he'd brushed it off so many times...

Tsukishima's limbs were rigid as he laid next to his boyfriend, a defined gap separating them no matter how many times they went to bed somewhat tangled. He wondered if maybe he just wasn't a good cuddle partner, maybe his skin got too cold, because Yuuji would always end up moving away from him.

It was far from comfortable, like something was missing, as if something  _could_  be in a situation so simple as two people sharing a bed. Regardless, he knew what he knew, and it wasn't something he could easily rectify.

Not an extra pillow, not a better blanket...it was something deep in his chest which kept trying to tell him something, and he just wouldn't  _listen_.

Frustrated, Tsukishima threw the blankets off of himself, exiting the tent with Kuroo's thermos in hand.

\--

The sound of footsteps startled Kuroo enough for him to drop his fishing rod. In his defense, he was  _not_  used to his friends waking up at the same time as him, but Tsukishima was a different story.

"Shit," Kuroo cursed, scrambling to pick up his rod and splashing water on his jeans in the process. Smooth.

He'd decided to fish by himself for a while before the chaos commenced, plus he was  _starving_ , and he appreciated extra servings of fish, ones which his friends would have no right to steal from him (but they would try). However, when it came to the blond, he didn't mind being interrupted (because his heart was a damn traitor like that).

There was some satisfaction there at least, since...

"You look like you slept well," Kuroo said, grinning smugly. Tsukishima stood a few feet away, arms wrapped tightly around himself, and Kuroo resisted the urge to lend him his jacket. It probably wouldn't do much, since Tsukishima was perpetually freezing, and it didn't help Kuroo's case. His arms always twitched, eager to pull Tsukishima in and keep him close.

These were bad thoughts and he knew it, but he  _also_  knew that at this point there was no getting rid of them.

Tsukishima grinned back, rolling his eyes as he held up Kuroo's thermos. "I think you know why..."

Tsukishima hummed, walking closer until he and Kuroo were face to face. Kuroo waited, aware of the possibility that his gift wasn't welcome. After all, Tsukishima probably wanted them to keep their distance from each other. It  _would_  make things easier for Kuroo, but...they weren't exactly great at it.

Kuroo definitely wanted to be around Tsukishima, no doubt about it, but Tsukishima's own feelings were harder to gauge. Kuroo felt some of the pettiness from the night prior rise back up in his throat, but he pushed it down.

Tsukishima's eyes were soft, too soft for a friend's, and Kuroo knew sooner or later the blond would have to admit it. For now though, Kuroo's tension faded like the morning mist surrounding them, happy to be in the other's presence. He grabbed the thermos as Tsukishima offered it, letting their fingers touch, and neither of them flinched.

"Thank you," Tsukishima whispered, keeping his gaze on the thermos and the thermos alone. "It was good."

Kuroo chuckled, relishing in the way his heart soared. "I was worried it wouldn't be sweet enough for you."

And just like that, Tsukishima's face twisted in annoyance, Kuroo's favorite. "Shut up. I'm not that bad..."

"Tell it to the crap ton of s'mores you wolfed down last night," Kuroo threw back, and his grip on the thermos shook. He felt Tsukishima's fingertips overlap his own, and he tried to keep his breathing normal.

The situation itself was far from normal right then. He wondered how out of place it looked, the two of them, almost holding hands through a thermos and refusing to let it go. Could anyone blame them? It was one of their only chances to  _touch_ , and yeah it was kind of messed up and pathetic, but Kuroo couldn't fight  _all_  his urges.

Tsukishima wouldn't even acknowledge it as an urge, but honestly, Kuroo wanted to know what kind of excuse he was making in his head right then for not pulling his hand away.

So stubborn.

Tsukishima scoffed, pushing back on the thermos until it was against Kuroo's chest. Tsukishima still held onto it afterwards. "I'm not surprised you would turn a simple thank you into petty jabs."

"Maybe it just wasn't a very good thank you." Kuroo shrugged, pushing the thermos until it was against Tsukishima's chest, just under those cut-glass, sculpted by the gods collarbones.

Tsukishima's eyes flashed with something akin to fire, the competition in him rising.  _God, this is so stupid._  They were just moving a thermos back and forth, but Kuroo was having a blast, fighting for the upper hand in their conversation which would allow him to  _push_.

"What would've been a good thank you?" Tsukishima shot back, his fingers twitching beside Kuroo's. Kuroo kept the thermos locked there against him.

What a question.

What a very dangerous question.

Kuroo's eyes must've shone with the barely kept in desire, because Tsukishima's challenging grin started to fall. Kuroo couldn't have that, he was dead set on this not falling deeper into awkwardness. There would be enough of that later.

Speaking of...

Kuroo smiled easily, and he hoped it was believable that he hadn't been thinking anything too indecent. His grip on the thermos loosened, and Tsukishima pushed, letting it sit between them once again.

"Aha! Repayment! You could always buy me a drink tonight during the date we got roped into," Kuroo said ruefully. Bringing it up might've opened a whole new can of  _what the fuck_  but at this point he just needed to vent alright?

Plus, the alternative course of speaking would've been much worse, so this was better.

To think he'd ever say that about a forced date. Especially one with the real object of his affections had to sit across from him. Fun times.

Tsukishima winced, and Kuroo couldn't help but notice how his grip on the thermos tightened. "Yeah. Are you sure you're okay with that? The date I mean...You hate being set up."

_Do you want me to not be okay with it?_

Ah but Kuroo wouldn't take it there, because he was a damn nice guy. He really did hate being on the other side of persuasion, but he hadn't had much of a choice last night. Also...this was kind of his fault too. 

Kuroo shook his head, and Tsukishima's eyes betrayed his concern, and maybe...something else which Kuroo wouldn't point out to him.

"It's only one night, maybe it'll be  _fun_ ," Kuroo teased, pushing against Tsukishima's grip. His free hand wanted so desperately to grab Tsukishima's, but he refrained. He was getting really good at that.

Tsukishima laughed, a soft, humorless huff which was music to Kuroo's ears no less. "Yes, because a date with someone you don't even like is everyone's idea of a good time."

And just when Kuroo thought he had self-control.

"Who said I don't like him?"

 _Shit_.

Kuroo would be lying if he said the instant drop of Tsukishima's smile didn't make him feel even a bit validated, but mostly he knew he'd stepped way out of line.

Sorta.

In reality, Tsukishima was just his friend. Friends talked about their relationships together, friends talked about crushes and encouraged each other to go for it.

It didn't feel right with them, and that should've been Tsukishima's first and final clue as to why they were sorely fucked.

Tsukishima stuttered, looking back down to thermos between them. He almost pulled away, Kuroo could feel his fingers receding, but  _goddammit_  he was not going to let this go yet. His index finger hooked tight around Tsukishima's, keeping him there.

"Uh, oh, yeah," Tsukishima recovered, clearing his throat. "That's...better then. At least it won't suck."

And fucking hell, Kuroo  _hated_  that face. Tsukishima's default 'neutral' face, the one he used in every situation when he didn't want people to know how he was feeling.

Tsukishima used it a lot at the library when he was frustrated with patrons, used it on this trip too. Around Terushima, around  _everyone_ , and Kuroo hated being on the receiving end.

_Why are you so stubborn? It's not gonna suck because of Suga, it's going to suck because you'll be there and you're not mine._

"Well, he is nice," Kuroo said instead, keeping them from both sinking, keeping the piles of shit they were both supporting from toppling over.

Tsukishima's mouth twitched at the word.  _Nice_.  _Huh_. Did Tsukishima have a problem with that? He didn't have to. Kuroo knew that no matter how  _nice_  Suga was, it wasn't enough to cut it.

"He is," Tsukishima repeated, and after a few moments of silence, he pushed back on the thermos again. "I guess sometimes you are too. So maybe it'll work out..."

Kuroo balked. "I'll have you know I'm--"

"Always this nice? Uh-huh," Tsukishima said with a smirk. Kuroo laughed, squeezing Tsukishima's fingers in the most pitiful form of revenge. Or it was just him being selfish. He wouldn't dwell on it.

"It can't be helped with you," Kuroo said, and later he might blame it on a slip of the tongue but fuck he meant it. The laughter between them died, and their hands froze, the thermos growing warm under the strength with which they held it together. Tsukishima's smile fell again into something less guarded, so much more vulnerable. Kuroo was possibly a terrible person, but he'd never been good at lying, and it was almost impossible when Tsukishima was looking at him like  _that_. "That's why tonight...won't work."

_It's why no one else will ever work._

Tsukishima breathed out shakily, his eyes wavering as he bit his lip, most likely out of anger. But Kuroo thought maybe, just maybe, he was about to finally reach a breakthrough. Tsukishima would own up, and yeah it'd be painful, but they'd figure this out together, and everything would turn out alright.

Kuroo was embarrassed by how ready he was to plead for that, to make this awkward week finally be worth it. He wanted to know, or more like he needed to  _hear_  what he already knew.

Tsukishima only needed to recognize that.

Two of the blond's fingers were still twisted with his, and it made it all the more unbearable that stainless steel kept them from wrapping together.

"I--" Tsukishima opened his mouth, but never got the chance to ease Kuroo's curiosities.

" _Ahem_."

Ice poured through both of their veins. Kuroo could see it the moment it happened, when the color drained from Tsukishima's face and the panic flashed in his eyes, because Kuroo's emotions flip flopped in the exact same way.  _Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck_.

They dropped the thermos, and it hit the gravel with a dull thud.

Kuroo knew who it was before he even turned, but it made the situation worse. Now his peace of mind, or whatever was left of it, was going to go straight down the shitter.

Shirabu stood there, arms crossed and stare burning, trying to melt a sizable hole in Kuroo's head. Yup, like he said, straight to shit.

Tsukishima's body tensed up beside him, and Kuroo couldn't seem to stop fidgeting. He put a decent number of steps between himself and Tsukishima, to the point it was nearly comical how they'd gone from in each other's space to acting like they were carrying infectious diseases.

Tsukishima's arms were around his own shoulders again, but Kuroo doubted it was from the cold.

Why did Kuroo have to suck so much? It had not been a good past few days. He kept getting too carried away and now it was getting to another level of depressing.

Fuck. If Shirabu thought something was going on...there was nothing to stop him from telling everyone. Kuroo felt his heart tear, and he wanted nothing more than to throw up.

The silence between the three of them was thick and uncomfortable, waiting for Shirabu to say something...call them out... _anything_. Even the birds and the squirrels were nowhere to be found.

Eventually Shirabu cleared his throat, and both Kuroo and Tsukishima flinched. "Tsukishima, your boyfriend is looking for you. Something about a hike..."

Tsukishima jolted, taking awkward, hasty steps as his mouth fought for eloquence. "Oh yeah--well, I'll go talk to him then."

"You do that," Shirabu said, not even glancing at Tsukishima as he pitifully hurried away from the lakeside, but not before sparing Kuroo a second, concerned glance.

The water of the lake lapped against the shore, but that was the only sound passing between him and the boy he'd known all his life.

Kuroo debated on how well he'd be able to play this off, stupidly wondering if he had a slight chance. Deep down, he had to know better.

Then it changed in a second, the tension snapping the moment in half like a twig.

Shirabu strode up to him with confident, menacing steps. No matter how much shorter Shirabu was, it didn't stop him from being damn scary, and Kuroo shrunk away from the venom in his eyes, the  _spit_  in his voice. Shirabu's voice was cold, a normal volume, and devoid of heart. "Kuroo, what the fuck are you doing?"

Kuroo laughed, weak and worn down. "Oh you know...I thought I would fish and stuff, for--"

" _No_ ," Shirabu interrupted, and Kuroo cringed.  _Can't blame a guy for trying_. "What the  _fuck_  are you doing?"

Kuroo glared then, his last defense hot on his tongue. Ignorance was not his best friend, since he observed and noticed everything, and Shirabu knew that, but Kuroo didn't have many options. "Shirabu, I don't know what you're  _talking_  about."

"You know exactly what I'm talking about!" Shirabu's voice was a hiss, but at least he had enough decency to drop his voice to a whisper. For a second, Kuroo was sure he was in for a full on screaming match. Shirabu didn't take prisoners, and he could cut people down with words left and right, once that polite outer shell got cracked.

Maybe Shirabu wasn't in the mood for that though, or maybe he just loved Kuroo a whole fucking lot, because the rage in him seemed to be extinguished before it was too late.

The fire in his eyes lessened, but his mouth still quivered from the insults trapped inside it. Shirabu gave a long, shaking exhale, eyeing Kuroo with pure confusion and disappointment.

"Kuroo," he whispered, his fists clenched at his sides. "I don't know what's going on, and right now I don't think I want to."

Kuroo couldn't feel at ease despite the words, not with Shirabu's gaze so searing. "I trust you Kuroo, you do stupid things and I don't know what you're thinking half the time but I  _trust_  you. So I won't say anything. I won't ask. Not yet."

Shirabu turned away in the direction of the campsite, the wall between them building itself brick by brick with the silence.

Shirabu didn't look at him again. "And for your sake, I hope you have better self-control from now on."

And as Kuroo stood there, frozen on the cold lakeshore, he couldn't help but hope the same.

\--

They made it back to the house later that afternoon, mostly because Oikawa insisted on having time to get ready to go out on the town, as if this were the city and not the middle of the mountains.

Kuroo couldn't say he was as excited. Shirabu was constantly side eyeing him now, but he was subtle about it, so hopefully Semi hadn't noticed.

Kuroo stared at his own reflection in the mirror, scrutinizing his jeans and t-shirt in an effort to feel like he was going out on a normal, fun date. Unfortunately, his mind kept falling back to his earlier talk with Tsukishima, and how mortifying it had been.

This date was just another thing to add to potential ways he could feel like crap.

Kuroo groaned as he ran a hand through his hair, knowing there was no use trying to straighten it out. There was no use trying to straighten him out either-- _ha_.

He hardly laughed. Another bad sign. If gay jokes didn't work to cheer him up then nothing would.

Downstairs, he could hear Oikawa shouting for him, and he sighed, ready as he'd ever be. Kuroo only hoped the night wouldn't bring any more surprises, because he doubted he had the capacity to take them.

"Are you sure you guys don't wanna come?"

Kuroo heard Terushima's voice as he walked down the stairs, only to see Shirabu and Semi lounging on the couch, probably more than happy all the loudest people in the house were leaving. In fact, they looked like they couldn't wait.

"Nope," they both said at once, but at least Semi had enough politeness to mutter a 'thank you.’ Kuroo would've smiled, but Shirabu's eyes found him instantly, and the knowing gleam in them sent chills up Kuroo's spine.

Luckily, he had distractions.

"You clean up nice," Suga said, strolling up to his side. And okay, there was no way he meant it. No when Suga was dressed like  _that_.

Suga stood there smiling at him, blinding in every respect. His hair was neatly styled, but not obnoxiously gelled up, and Kuroo couldn't stop himself from looking down at his outfit. A grey jumper underneath a faded denim jacket, black skinny jeans and grey sneakers. Simple, but stunning. All the colors seemed to work perfectly together, and the look was effortless, something Suga could've very well just thrown on without realizing he could murder half the neighborhood. Again, Kuroo had no clue how this guy was single.

Suga basically put everyone else in the room to shame, minus Tsukishima, but Kuroo was biased. Maybe Oikawa too, but only because of all those hair products the brunet used.

Kuroo blinked, trying not to look at Oikawa's smug expression, the  _bastard_.

"You're one to talk," he said, running a hand through his hair. "You look great!"

Suga's smile fell into brief surprise before it was back, twice as bright, and light pink dusted the tops of his cheeks. "Thank you! I kinda just...dressed for the cold..."

_So you threw it on. Called it._

Kuroo laughed along with him, some of the pressure from earlier melting away. At least Suga was pleasant to be around, nothing about Kuroo's reactions were faked.

"Can you guys flirt at the restaurant? I'm starving!" Oikawa interrupted, and already he began pulling Iwaizumi out the front door, but not without smirking one last time at Semi and Shirabu. "Enjoy the alone time love birds! I know how much you need it!"

Shirabu flipped him off.

Suga giggled next to him. "Sorry about that."

"Psh, no big deal," Kuroo reassured, following Suga towards the door. "I'm used to Oikawa being shameless anyways."

"I guess I still need more exposure then." Suga's smile was teasing, and Kuroo snorted. If Suga had no qualms about poking fun at Oikawa, they were going to get along just fine.

Then again, Kuroo knew this was only the beginning of Oikawa's teasing and prodding. The brunet truly had no issue with embarrassing Kuroo in public, and the worst was yet to come.

"Well, I'm sure you'll get more than enough tonight..." Kuroo sighed, holding the door open for Suga, Terushima, and Tsukishima as they stepped out.

Tsukishima wouldn't look at him, but the crease in his forehead made Kuroo want to reach forward and smooth it out. Really, he'd do anything to get rid of the frown on the blond's face.

Right then though, he was Suga's date and nothing else, and he'd be a good one  _dammit_.

As they left the house, Kuroo got sucked into one of Suga's stories about Iwaizumi and Oikawa, and he nearly forgot all about Shirabu's eyes on him as he walked out. Suga's voice rang light and soothing, and he got lost in the conversation easily, making comments about Oikawa whenever need be.

They had no choice but to take separate rides, and Kuroo held the door open for Suga as he climbed into the back of Iwaizumi's car. He heard Terushima's own car start up behind him, and the curiosity was too much, because more than anything Kuroo wanted to be wherever Tsukishima was. He glanced back right before hopping into Iwaizumi's car, just in time to watch Tsukishima tear his gaze away from him.

The ride was mostly filled with silence, and Kuroo wondered if Suga could tell that Kuroo was simply not present. His mind wandered off somewhere else, to someone else. If Suga could, Kuroo was grateful he didn't seem to mind.

Of course, he couldn't check out completely, not with Oikawa putting on a show.

"Kuroo actually graduated top of his class, and he's always been a great writer," Oikawa said, talking a mile a minute. "You read the magazine he works for, don't you Suga-chan? I'm sure you've read some of his articles!"

And it just didn't stop.

"Suga-chan wants to be a surgeon, isn't that cool? He's in the top 1% of his class too, right Hajime?"

"Kuroo, didn't you say you always wanted to live outside the city? Suga is the same way!" Iwaizumi even inserted a fact here or there, though much more awkwardly, no doubt in cahoots with his boyfriend.

Kuroo wasn't angry, he was hardly embarrassed either. The couple in front of him were trying so damn hard to set him up, but only because they wanted him and Suga to be happy. Kuroo couldn't look down on that kind of friendship, no matter how obnoxious.

So instead, he just sneaked glances at Suga every now and again, rolling his eyes or making faces until the other laughed. Oikawa, the romance auctioneer himself, didn't shut up until they pulled into the parking lot, but given how hilarious and ridiculous it made the car ride feel, Kuroo didn't once try to stop him.

His heart felt lighter, and he and Suga were trying to pitifully hold back their laughter as they piled out of the car.

However, as Kuroo glanced up at the bright neon lights, catching a flash of blond hair waiting at the front of the restaurant, he knew things wouldn't be lighthearted for long.

At least he could take comfort in knowing he wasn't the only one who felt that way, and he smiled at Tsukishima, unable to stop himself.

Tsukishima, lacking his own self-control, smiled back, hand laced with Terushima's.

\--

"Man this place is awesome!" Terushima shouted, way too loud even given the volume of the music around them. Kuroo grinned at his cousin's antics, scouting the large dining hall with Suga at his side.

It really was Terushima's kind of place. Which meant...

_Yup. Thought so._

Tsukishima looked immediately disgruntled with the loudness around him, as well as the surprising amount of people. Kuroo couldn't say he didn't get it, as social as he was, this was a bit much for a quiet date. He would've preferred to stay at the lake house, with Shirabu there or not.

He smiled, tearing his gaze away before the blond had a chance to notice him, since he always caught Kuroo in the act.

The music blared, a love song, and Kuroo sighed ruefully. At least he could blame zoning out on the music and atmosphere, if he happened to lose focus.

The restaurant they were at doubled as a bar, and it was surprisingly lively given how remote the town was. Although, Kuroo guessed it was prime vacation season. There were bright, colored lights flashing onto the dark wooden floor, and the music was upbeat and catchy. More than a few couples were dancing in the center of the large room, and the food smelled delicious as waiters carried out dishes to the many tables. The whole place had a homey, romantic feel to it, with people laughing and enjoying the atmosphere for what it was.

 _How perfect_ , he thought sardonically, and all of a sudden the dread was back. Because romantic atmosphere basically predicted an affectionate Terushima, and Kuroo didn't care to see that at all.

Not that he had a choice.

"C'mon, I think there's a table this way," Terushima said, tugging Tsukishima along, and the blond followed blindly, trusting his boyfriend like they'd done this millions of times.

They probably had.

Kuroo couldn't be angry about it either, watching the way Tsukishima let himself be tugged along on some unknown adventure. It was how Terushima had been as a kid too, pulling everyone along with him.

Tsukishima didn't resist though, that was the difference.

Kuroo looked away to stop himself from overthinking anymore, and was met with Suga's kind stare as he hooked his arm around Kuroo's. "Shall we? I think we deserve a drink after that car ride."

Suga's eyes twinkled with mirth as they drifted over to where Oikawa and Iwaizumi were walking, giggling and blushing all the while.

Gross.

Kuroo laughed, his smile smug as he gladly led Suga towards the table. "Sounds like a plan to me."

And they made sure to honor the promise. Kuroo didn't know much about alcohol, so he let Suga pick samples for him. The other was surprisingly knowledgeable about different brands and drinks.

Kuroo took a sip of his newest tester, humming at the smoothness of the citrus flavor. "Damn, I like that one too. Can you just recommend drinks for me forever?"

"Jumping the gun a bit, aren't you?" Tsukishima muttered, and Terushima snickered beside him, not reading the jab as anything but playful.

_So that's how it's gonna be..._

"Suga always recommends the best stuff," Iwaizumi said with a shrug. "If it weren't for him, Oikawa and I would go out to the same two places."

"You mean you would go to the same two places," Oikawa protested. "I try to take us to new places all the time, you're just so picky!"

" _Me_? What about that one time..."

"That doesn't count!"

Kuroo rolled his eyes, glancing at Suga with a flat stare. The other laughed, sipping from his own drink. "Well, I'm glad my services are useful to you. You have to try mine next!"

"You're a godsend," Kuroo said, and he meant it. Not just for the drinks, but for Suga's ability to deal with the other lovebirds so effortlessly. Without him, Kuroo would've strangled Oikawa by now.

"Flattery will get you nowhere..."

"Is that a challenge? It works for most people," Kuroo joked, downing the last of his tester. He looked up, meeting Tsukishima's unimpressed stare.

How he made such a pinched expression look so pretty, Kuroo would never know.

The sound of Suga's voice stole his attention back, knocking him away from the magnetic pull. "Actually, flattery is my biggest weakness, spoiler alert," Suga said, smiling cheekily.

Kuroo admired the bluntness, but even then it was offset by the light blush on Suga's cheeks, making it all the more endearing.

"Huh, guess Kuroo can compliment all he wants then," Terushima said, and Kuroo kicked him under the table for that damn smirk of his.

"Mm," Tsukishima hummed, taking a drink from Terushima's beer.

_Hey now, this is worse for me._

At least Kuroo could admit his feelings and his jealousy. _I mean goddamn_. Terushima's arm had been around Tsukishima's shoulders all night, bringing him close and sharing precious body heat. This fucking sucked.

He wasn't showing it though, and Tsukishima's inability to do the same was equal parts adorable and maddening.

Vaguely, Kuroo wondered if Tsukishima knew Kuroo wasn't having a good time, and that's why he was in such a bad mood. The blond did  _hate_  it whenever Kuroo pretended around him, didn't like the falseness.

Somehow, the insight made the situation more difficult. Sure, Kuroo liked to toot his own horn about how much he knew about Tsukishima, but in reality, it was very much a two-way street.

"It's good you're here with Kuroo then, he's been a cheesy guy since high school," Terushima teased, immune to Kuroo's kicks due to years of childhood fights.

 _Asshole_.

"You're one to talk, you're just as bad," Kuroo shot back, trying to maintain a playful tone as he referred to how handsy and affectionate he'd become since dating Tsukishima.

Maybe Kuroo had a competitive streak of his own. Sue him.

"That's a good thing in my book, and who says no to being adored? Respectfully anyways," Suga added, and Terushima pointed at him in approval.

"See? He gets it, that's my kind of date," Terushima said, kissing Tsukishima's temple. "Kei's not romantic enough, won't even see those dumb rom-coms with me."

Terushima sighed, drama oozing from every pore, and Tsukishima shoved him, smiling fondly.

"Aw, I love those!" Suga said, which launched Terushima  _right_  into the movie rant which Kuroo had been forced to endure for years.

Terushima might've come off as a delinquent, but his interests were varied, some more surprising than others.

"Same here! Have you seen that one with..."

Kuroo listened, trying not to fake gag at some of the titles, and he and Tsukishima exchanged the first non-dread filled look of the night, communicating the same thought.

 _Ew_.

Of course, they could both appreciate a good romantic comedy. They'd had a full on discussion about it once, both of them admitting to their lists of personal favorites.

But hey, Terushima and Suga had bad taste. Nothing wrong with that.

Eventually the topics rolled on, moving to work and college stories from the past. Iwaizumi and Oikawa had long since vacated the table in favor of dancing, and Kuroo thought he might've been in the clear, that he'd escaped a majority of the romantic talk of the night. Wrong.

"You need to stop painting gifts for me and actually do your work, clients are starting to catch on," Tsukishima said, laughing at Terushima's groan. Apparently, he was a little behind on a few commissions. Vacations were good for one’s health though, yeah?

"But you're my best customer," Terushima said, his puppy dog eyes as lethal as they'd always been.

"Is that why you're going broke?"

Terushima gasped, the sound loud enough to break the conversation of the nearby tables. "Babe, how could you? After everything I do for you."

"I bought you gas like...three days ago."

"The  _audacity_."

They both barely held in their amusement, because Terushima was far from broke. He wasn't rich, he did well, but it was obvious that this was an inside joke between the two of them. Kuroo shifted awkwardly, aware of the intimacy which came from the display, but part of him was glad Terushima had found as good of a friend as Tsukishima.

The other part of him...well...he was green with envy.

If he could've slapped himself, he most definitely would've.  _Bad friend, bad._

"I'd love to see your paintings sometime Terushima, especially since my apartment walls are so boring..." Suga said, and Terushima actually flushed. He'd always been a great artist, but part of him stayed humble when confronted with direct praise. It was something the group of friends tended to take advantage of. Embarrassing Terushima was rare but it was worth it.

"Buy me my next drink and you can have some of them free of charge," Terushima offered. "My garage is getting way too cluttered."

"It really is," Tsukishima muttered into his drink, ignoring Terushima's annoyed stare.

Not that it deterred Suga in the slightest.

Suga smiled, taking Terushima's glass without a second thought as he hopped off his barstool. "You got a deal."

They all watched as Suga walked away, and that's when Kuroo felt it, the  _tension_. The build up to  _something_ , and then it happened before he could even properly prepare himself.

Terushima turned to him,  _leering_. "C'mon Kuroo, he's great. You can't say you're not hitting it off."

_Oh man, here we go._

Kuroo laughed, bringing his empty glass closer to his body. "I mean I think we're all kind of hitting it off with him yeah? He's great."

_Please drop it, please drop it, please--_

"He's also hot man, and you're hella single," Terushima said, bluntly, and Kuroo's eyes widened.

"Dude..." Kuroo said, glancing at Tsukishima, who was staring at a very defined chip in the table.

"Huh? Oh, Kei doesn't mind, he thinks you guys would be good together too," Terushima said, shrugging, and Tsukishima's head snapped up. "Don't you?"

"Yeah, do you?" Kuroo asked, voice teasing enough to get the blond's attention. Tsukishima glared at him.

"Did I ever say that?" Tsukishima asked, voice just short of clipped. The displeasure was also back in his face, and Kuroo nearly reached over to smooth out the forehead creases himself.

And again, Terushima was completely oblivious. Good.

"Well, no, but I think so. You gotta agree, right? I mean, they'd be cute together!" Terushima took out his phone, checking his notifications as the conversation went on.

Kuroo leaned over, begging Terushima to keep his damn voice down. Suga would be back any minute.

"Eh what's the big deal, secret crushes are so high school anyways," Terushima said with a shrug.

"I don't know if I'd call it a crush," Kuroo replied through gritted teeth. As much as pushing Tsukishima's buttons was fun, he didn't want Suga to think he was interested.

That got Terushima's attention. "What? Why not?"

_So many answers, all of them terrible._

_Because I'm in love with your boyfriend, duh._

How many times would he have to remind himself how bad of an idea that was?

He didn't get a chance to fumble for excuses, or trip over his own tongue.

"I don't think he's Kuroo's type," Tsukishima's voice, clear and direct, sliced through the panic in Kuroo's head.

Terushima looked at his boyfriend then, intrigued, while a whole new set of conflicts rushed through Kuroo's head. "Why do you say that?"

Kuroo's panic was replaced with the desire for pure, uninhibited provocation. Kuroo had to feel jealous every day, every minute he had to be around Terushima and Tsukishima, but what? Now Tsukishima was obviously feeling the same way? The blond couldn't even stop denying those feelings for two seconds, and now he got to make Kuroo feel bad? No. Kuroo wanted answers.

While Kuroo knew he'd regret it, like last time, Tsukishima was asking for it.

By the end of the night, he wanted things to be clear.

Maybe he hadn't been as transparent as he'd thought, but later, he'd make sure he was. For now...

Kuroo huffed a laugh. "Yeah Tsukishima, what exactly is my type then?"

The blond's mouth opened, but no sound came out.

 _Gotcha_.

"You're just reading too much into it like you always do," Terushima said offhandedly. "No offense babe."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Tsukishima said, his voice returning to cold politeness. Kuroo winced.

"You know," Terushima began with a shrug, flippant in every way. "You over-analyze everything, sometimes you just gotta wing it. If things don't work out they don't work out, no big deal."

"Oh, is that how you see it?" Tsukishima said, eyes filled with a storm which send chills down Kuroo spine.

In another life, he might've argued with Terushima. He disagreed after all. Tsukishima did analyze, but not to pick apart. He observed and appreciated everything with the sole goal of trying to understand. It made him cautious, maybe even wary, but it also made him attuned to the world in a way Kuroo respected and loved.

For Tsukishima, things like relationships  _were_  a big deal, and he didn't get involved in them unless he believed they had the potential to last. Kuroo was the same way, and Terushima's frivolous attitude probably rubbed them both the wrong way.

"I say go for it," Terushima said, clinking Kuroo's glass with his own, and Kuroo laughed, since there wasn't much else for him to do. He would certainly not be going for it, but if his cousin wanted to believe that for the night, whatever.

Tsukishima's shoulders relaxed, reeling in his anger, and it dissipated right before Kuroo's eyes.  _Right, this is supposed to be fun._

He felt like a broken record at this point.

Suga returned with more drinks soon after, returning the conversation to a more lighthearted realm. "Wow, the music sure is great. I don't know how people can dance so much though..."

Terushima perked up, straightening in his chair as he grabbed Tsukishima by the shoulders. "Babe, we should dance!"

The fear in Tsukishima's eyes made Kuroo break, he couldn't help it, his laugh was so ugly a few heads turned.

"Shut it!" Tsukishima snapped at him before turning back to Terushima, face twisting into hesitance. "Uh...I'd rather not."

"What? But you love to dance!" Terushima insisted, tugging Tsukishima along.

The blond's face lit up. "No--ugh, at home! Not here! And not around people!"

"Ugh you're no fun," Terushima said, falling back into his chair with a flop. Tsukishima managed to look relieved for about two seconds before Terushima was scooting close to him again, eyes shining with devilish intentions. "Unless you'd rather keep me here all to yourself for a while..."

And yeah, that's where Kuroo would make his exit.

He stood up in a flash, fast enough for the chair to squeak beneath him.

"Would you like to dance?" Kuroo asked, extending his hand towards Suga. Kuroo wasn't much of dancer either, but it was this or stay and try not to barf.

Suga blinked, but his surprise quickly turned into a bright grin, and he grabbed Kuroo's hand with a wink.

"Only if you can keep up," Suga said, and Kuroo never was one to back down from a challenge. He'd be lying if he said he didn't feel Tsukishima's eyes burning into the back of his neck, and he pushed away the mild guilt which came with it.

He was supposed to be letting loose. No commitments were required, no matter how much Oikawa or Terushima kept pushing for Kuroo to make a real move on Suga. His cousin threw him a thumbs-up from the table as Suga guided him, and yeah okay, maybe Kuroo was being a dick, but Tsukishima's jealous face was so  _cute_.

Being human was terrible.

They arrived at the dance floor soon after, and Suga placed Kuroo's hands in the right position for him, one on Suga's shoulder and one on his waist. Kuroo flushed at his inexperience, but Suga didn't make him feel dumb about it, so he didn't mind.

The first song was easy enough too, not much speed or beats to move with. They just swayed for a while, enjoying each other's company.

The stress relief helped, and Kuroo sighed. Of course, he was an idiot with bad self-control, so his eyes roamed the room constantly, hoping to catch a glance of Tsukishima.

He wondered if Tsukishima would've danced with him, had he asked...

"I'm really happy we came out tonight," Suga said, breaking Kuroo out of his thoughts. "Not that camping wasn't fun but...I'm more of a city boy."

"I could tell," Kuroo laughed. "But you did a good enough job with Tsukishima's help."

"Stop being so nice, my tent looked deformed. I would've rather someone did it for me, as bad as it sounds" Suga said, his smile sheepish. "Comfier that way. I swear it nearly collapsed on me. This is better. Bars and drinks I can do."

Kuroo smiled, twirling Suga once as they kept moving. Talking helped Kuroo's feet go into autopilot, and he felt less afraid of stepping on people now. "I think it was a good idea too. And uh hey, I really appreciate you coming as my date."

_Despite our annoying friends._

Kuroo meant it too, he did value Suga's company. If he'd been forced to come alone...he might've died.

“Oh yeah totally,” Suga nodded happily, and for a minute Kuroo let himself get lost in the false comfort of small talk. This was nice. This was great. He didn’t even have to  _think_  about Tsukishima. 

Then Suga's eyes widened, and he smacked himself in the head lightly. "Oh by the way, almost forgot to ask! Who are you trying to make jealous?”

Kuroo's brain stopped functioning, and he nearly bumped into the nearest couple, suddenly unable to steer his feet in the right direction. His eyes felt like they would completely fall out of his head, and his mouth dried up in an instant. Suga's hands on his shoulders were probably the only thing keeping him from falling the fuck over. He fought for words, but all that came out were choked sounds, like a fish out of water.

And what did Suga do in response? Fucking nothing. Just stood there smiling like he'd asked about the latest superhero movie instead of piercing Kuroo's soul and extracting his biggest secret.

"What--you--there's...no. I mean," Kuroo said, his laughter echoing just the tiniest bit of insanity. "I’m not trying--what--why would you even--"

"Let's get some things sorted out, shall we?" Suga said, his voice as pleasant and carefree as ever. Kuroo had no real choice but to listen.

Not that he was against that, not with Suga's eyes boring into his with such unmasked sincerity. "Kuroo, you're a great guy but I have to tell you, I'm not really interested in dating right now. I kinda just went along with this because Oikawa seemed so excited..."

Kuroo blinked, watching as Suga's smile turned into something more apologetic. Well, this was not the direction he anticipated this conversation to go in, but he felt relieved that Suga wasn't looking for a relationship.

Suga sighed, pulling their bodies closer together as the music grew louder around them. "I felt really bad about leading you on, but truth is I'm not ready yet...and I don't wanna rush into something you know? Especially when we're not...enthusiastic..."

_Oh, I know._

Kuroo knew that all too well, and he forced himself not to look in Tsukishima's direction. The fact that Suga could tell from the beginning he wasn't interested did make him feel a touch guilty though, and he got ready to apologize himself, except Suga's hand was covering his mouth about a second later.

"You don't need to be sorry, okay? There's nothing to forgive, and you've been a great date anyways," Suga said with a wink.

"I mean, I am a gentleman," Kuroo said, wiggling his eyebrows. He hadn't forgotten Suga's jealousy observation, but he'd do anything to delay an explanation.

Wishful thinking.

Suga shook his head, laughing, but Kuroo knew he wasn't done.  _Goddammit_. Suga's eyes flashed with something a bit more dangerous, pinning Kuroo to the spot.

"But the thing is...Kuroo, I'm not  _stupid_. You've been looking around all paranoid, and you zone out every ten minutes. And judging from the way you rushed me onto the dance floor...something's up. Am I wrong?"

The smirk on Suga's face told Kuroo he knew  _nothing_  about what he'd said had been wrong. Confident bastard. No wonder he and Oikawa got along so great.

But was Kuroo truly that transparent? No wonder Shirabu looked ready to kill him. He needed to be more careful. Why did Tsukishima make him fall into stupid mode?

"I wouldn't worry about the others, I don't think they've noticed," Suga said, as if reading Kuroo's mind. "I'm just nosy. Sorry about that."

"Are you though?" Kuroo said, his laugh humorless.

"Mm, not at all."

Right. Great.

Kuroo sighed, his palms growing clammy, but Suga refused to let him go. And why lie at this point? Kuroo was bursting at the seams. Suga wasn't exactly his friend at the start of the trip, but he seemed trustworthy enough. Besides, he didn't exactly know  _Tsukishima_  was the real reason Kuroo couldn't commit to any other relationships.

_Best to keep things vague then..._

"Listen Suga," Kuroo sighed. "I won't say you're wrong or anything but it's just kinda personal. I don't want to talk about it if that's alright with you?"

Kuroo winced. Because in actuality, he wanted to talk about it more than anything. Hell, he wanted to scream 'I love Tsukishima' from the rooftops but that was just bad manners. He'd been bottling up his frustration for weeks, and now he had no choice but to turn away his only potential source of therapy.

 _It's for the best._  That's what he kept telling himself. The less people that knew the better.

"Okay, I understand," Suga said easily, and Kuroo felt his shoulders somewhat relax again. However, about two seconds of dancing later..."I didn't take you as having a thing for blonds but we're all full of surprises I guess."

This time, Kuroo actually tripped, only missing the floor because Suga managed to pull him up in time, and they crashed into each other, closer than ever. Suga's eyes gleamed as they stared at each other, like he was waiting for Kuroo to crack, and fuck it, that's exactly what he was about to do.

He'd been backed into a corner like a mouse, and now he had no choice but to cave into the hungry lion.

 _Fuck_.

"How did you figure it out?" Kuroo whispered, and he could feel Suga's breath against his cheek before they pulled back a little, resuming their dance.

Today had not been a good testament to his secrecy skills, that was for sure.

His heart kept beating a mile a minute, and Kuroo almost didn't need Suga to explain himself. All he wanted was him to swear he wouldn't tell anyone else.

Suga smiled, squeezing Kuroo's shoulder comfortingly. "It sounds lame but you guys kind of give off a vibe? When Iwaizumi and I first showed up at the house, and you two were together on the porch...I could just tell. I ended up being shocked he was Terushima's boyfriend and not yours."

The words sent a shock to Kuroo's heart he really wasn't expecting, and he shut his eyes tight, letting the feeling of  _yearning_  wash over him. "Oh..."

He remembered that morning too. Tsukishima's gentle voice, the bags under his eyes, how Kuroo just wanted to shield him from the new day and let him sleep as long as he needed to.

If only it could've been that way.

Suga's smile fell, and he chewed on his lip. Now that he knew, Kuroo had no issue showing his dismay. What was the point in hiding it?

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry this much but...you both looked really sad earlier," Suga said quietly, a stark contrast to the peppy music playing in the bar.

Kuroo's head snapped up. Both of them?

"Wait, he--"

"You can't tell me you don't notice, right?" Suga said, shaking his head in disbelief. "You're hopeless. But to be clear, I obviously don't know the whole situation, and I can't agree with any infidelity. I feel for you Kuroo I really do, but I can't support this. If Tsukishima is cheating on--"

"He would never do that!" Kuroo snapped instantly, the anger seeping into his features enough to make Suga flinch. Kuroo immediately recovered, sighing with guilt. "Sorry...but, I know Tsukishima wouldn't do that. I wouldn't let him. We both care about Terushima."

And despite how fucked up their situation was, Kuroo was grateful to Tsukishima for taking care of his cousin. Terushima obviously trusted the blond a lot, and Tsukishima treated him well. Kuroo knew Tsukishima wouldn't step on Terushima's feelings, and the fact was both admirable and concerning.

Eventually, something or someone would have to break. Kuroo wasn't naive enough now to think this would work. That Tsukishima and Terushima could just be together happily, and Kuroo would one day move on.

It simply wasn't a possible reality, no matter how much easier it would be.

"Then how did this happen?" Suga whispered, reaching up to move some stray hairs out of Kuroo's eyes. Kuroo leaned into the touch, seeking the comfort he'd been forced to go without. At least sharing his secret left him feeling less insane, like he could carry on for a little while longer.

"It's complicated, and judging from the fact our third song's about to end, I don't have much time to explain," Kuroo said with a laugh. "But Tsukishima...he's special to me. I don't want to hurt my cousin either. I didn't want it to get this bad in the first place? It's a mess and I wish I had done a lot of things differently. I get that's hard to believe since I was trying to make Tsukki jealous all night but, I'm only human." 

_And as shitty as it is, part of me can't bear to see him with someone else._

Kuroo laughed, staring at the floor. The sound held no joy. "I don't know how to fix this yet, but I want to do the best job I can. That's all I can say right now."

And that was the truth. Kuroo didn't have a plan, but he didn't want people to get hurt, he'd gladly shoulder all the pain for them. Problem was, Tsukishima probably felt the exact same way.

He waited for Suga's reply with bated breath, hoping,  _praying_  he'd understand. Suga stared at him, his eyes filled with a pity Kuroo couldn't take, and he looked at Suga's lips instead, waiting for the words to come.

Maybe later Kuroo would give him the whole story, if only so the other wouldn't think him to be a complete piece of shit for falling for his cousin's boyfriend.

Suga sighed, nodding his head slowly. His smile was back, softer this time, and Kuroo thought he might actually cry. "I believe you. I hope you both find what you're looking for, and I'm here whenever you need me, okay?"

The words rang through Kuroo's whole being, and he couldn't help but chuckle. After all, he'd already found what he was looking for. Things were never that simple though.

They danced through one more song, content with the silence for a while, and Kuroo felt relieved he now had someone to confide in. Kuroo felt far too exposed and vulnerable right then, but at least his heart wasn't as heavy, and he let himself smile as the song came to an end.

In addition to that, Suga knew how to lighten the mood in the best of ways.

"If it makes you feel any better, he hasn't stopped looking at us this entire time," Suga said, humming happily. "All the touches and smiles were probably driving him nuts." 

Kuroo snorted, unable to help the surge of glee he felt as they walked back to the table. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were looking at them expectantly, having returned, and only then did Kuroo realize how it must've looked. He and Suga had been dancing super close to each other due to the nature of their conversation, and they were definitely more at ease with each other now...

It  _screamed_  intimacy, and while it would get his friends off his back, Kuroo felt his stomach seize at the thought of Tsukishima reading too much into it. A little jealousy was one thing, but the last thing Kuroo wanted was the blond thinking he'd fallen for someone else in the span of one date.

_As if._

Tsukishima knew him better right?

But Kuroo also knew first how badly observation and analysis could be thwarted by emotions.

He found Tsukishima's eyes, and felt his heart sink.

Well, he  _had_  been wanting a confrontation. Guess he was finally getting one.

He lagged behind the group as they exited the bar, holding the door open and waiting for Tsukishima to be the last one to step out.

And of course he was. They were in sync like that, for better or worse.

"We need to talk later," Tsukishima said, his voice a hushed, urgent whisper. The words made Kuroo's stomach churn, because they almost sounded cracked,  _hurt_ , and with an edge of desperation Kuroo knew all too well.

He didn't want to wait.

Kuroo wanted to talk to Tsukishima right then and there, he couldn't stand leaving things this way, not even for a twenty minute car ride.

_I'm sorry._

_I pushed too far._

_I just want to know what I mean to you._

But Kuroo didn't have the luxury of immediacy. He had to pile back into Iwaizumi's car, laughing and smiling all the way, his body on autopilot as Oikawa's teasing filled the space once more. If Suga sensed his tension, he didn't comment. 

They fell behind Terushima's car, and Kuroo nearly chuckled. He was always following after Tsukishima, and he wouldn't have it any other way, but right then it was pure agony.

He didn't know what they would talk about, only that they would, and the fear and anticipation had Kuroo's head spinning.

His gut twisted, and he wondered if Tsukishima was as nervous, maybe tugging on his fingers or chewing on his lip...two resilient habits Kuroo had noticed.

He would never know for sure, but he had a pretty good idea, especially as he saw Tsukishima's head turn to look back in Kuroo's direction.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading everyone! Comments are always appreciated <3 Since I finally got to post this chapter, I'll probably start posting my other new fic later this week (shhh, I can do what I want) so stay tuned for that as well ;) 
> 
>  
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> [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzpwgdyDGaO8yRC7oPW_18rlwtwr64u2p)
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> [Tumblr](http://its-love-u-asshole.tumblr.com/)
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> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/itsloveuasshole)


	8. lies, lies, lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back with an early (ish) update ^^ I want to thank everyone who left such nice, supportive comments on the last chapter. They mean the world to me and really helped me to push out this chapter extra fast! I am very stoked but also incredibly scared about posting this chapter bc a lot of work and paranoia went into it lol, but I hope you all enjoy! 
> 
> Thank you to [EmeraldWaves for reading this over!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldWaves/pseuds/EmeraldWaves)

The strange sensation which came with coming home at a late hour felt like the slowing of time, like somehow, the world around him had shifted into another universe entirely. The air around him seemed so still, like any noise made would instantly get eaten up by the darkness and spit back out into the realm it was meant to be in. That weird headspace never failed to intoxicate Kuroo, the way movements and voices mingled and meshed freely even through the haze of the night.

This time though, his mind felt empty, and the calmness of the dark sat plagued with tension, the sounds around him rushing past as he numbly swung open the door to the house. He knew he should probably be thinking about a lot of things, should've been  _worried_  about a lot of things. Tsukishima's eyes hadn't left the back of his head since they'd gotten out of their cars, but strangely, this time Kuroo hadn't felt the need to meet the gaze. Soon, he'd most likely be getting an eyeful of the concealed fire in the blond's eyes, and his blood ran cold over what it might mean. He could feel the glass cracking between them, could almost hear it, the steady clink.

This was a breaking point, but in what way, he wasn't sure. So he figured there was no use thinking about it. He'd know soon enough.

On autopilot, Kuroo walked inside the lake house, and the wood creaked beneath his feet as everyone piled in, exchanging final comments and jokes which didn't meet Kuroo's ears. Oikawa had said something teasing to him probably, maybe Terushima had complained about Tsukishima's cold hands....Kuroo didn't know. The house was dark, a sign everyone else had either gone to bed or retired for the night. Good, it was better that way. If Kuroo had to meet Shirabu's eyes in that moment, he wouldn't be able to hide the anticipation.

And what a word,  _anticipation_. Like despite the dread coiling inside him, Kuroo couldn't help but be excited, just a little bit, at the thought of talking to Tsukishima. What a joke.

Still in half robot mode, Kuroo said his goodnights, cranking up his smile and filtering the jumbled words as best he could. The last thing he somewhat registered was Suga squeezing his shoulder, throwing him a sympathetic smile before turning away with the rest of the group. Kuroo stood there dumbly in the middle of the den, listening to his friends scurry upstairs and into their respective rooms, the laughter dying down until the last sound was the offbeat slamming of doors for the night.

Then, and only then, did Kuroo remember how to breathe.

The loud exhale sounded way too ominous in the silence of the room, and Kuroo shook his head, running his hands roughly through his hair. Realistically, he knew he'd have to wait now. Terushima would have to fall asleep, and then Tsukishima could leave and come find him.

Kuroo would be foolish to think the "we'll talk later" meant tomorrow, or sometime in passing. No. It was happening tonight, and he  _needed_  it to happen tonight. He already felt like crawling out of his skin, restless as he walked into his room and sat stupidly on his bed.

Kuroo hated the hyperawareness which came with being nervous. The air around him was too stuffy and his blankets seemed to scratch his skin as he balled his fists in them.

Any more waiting and he'd lose his mind. He wouldn't make it another day, unless Tsukishima truly wanted to doom him to a sleepless night.

He just hoped Terushima would knock out fast, like back in the old days. Kuroo had no choice but to be patient either, no matter how many hours passed. Distracting himself was a foolish dream, he could hardly remember to blink much less take out his laptop and get work done.

So, resigned, Kuroo stayed sitting on his bed, watching the bedroom door, and trying his best to ignore his trembling heart.

\--

Two hours.

That was how much time had passed of Kuroo staring at the uneven grooves in the floorboards, waiting for a sound, a sign.

He'd almost gotten so used to the never-ending quiet that when the door to his room finally opened, it scared him half to death. The home had been stone still, as if no one else lived there at all, and for a bit, Kuroo had allowed himself to believe he'd been alone.

But then he saw Tsukishima's  _face_ , and reality came crashing back. He was here, Tsukishima was here. This was happening.

_Oh god, his face..._

Suddenly, Kuroo took back all his complaining about being made to wait. If he could've pushed this back, he would've, as far as possible.

Kuroo had never seen Tsukishima look so close to bursting at the seams, and the raw vulnerability was equal parts enchanting and terrible. The blond would get annoyed, flustered too, but this...was a new expression, and Kuroo had to catalogue it, he  _had_  to. Because deep down, he never wanted to see it again.

Tsukishima let the door shut behind him with the smallest click, his eyes wavering, his entire body trembling in a need to expel all the harmful emotions locked away. His fingers almost looked like they couldn't properly grip the door handle, and he struggled to release his hold from it.

The glass had cracked, but not in the instant, shattering way Kuroo had expected. It was continuously breaking, falling at their feet. Maybe it always had been.

Kuroo could relate to the anxiety, but he was afraid for once. Afraid of what words would come out of Tsukishima's mouth, what they would mean for him.

_Oh, who am I kidding?_

Looking at Tsukishima's misty eyes and thread thin composure, Kuroo's fantasies were all but dashed.

This was why he hadn't let himself think about it, because honestly, when Kuroo had complained about a breaking point earlier, he'd partially been lying to himself. Deep down, he had to know what was about to be said. There was nothing unknown about it. Tsukishima was about to officially stamp out what was going on between them, if he bothered to acknowledge it  _at all_ , and Kuroo would have no choice but to accept it, to nurse his crushed heart alone. It sucked yeah, but it might've been for the best, like Tsukishima had tried so hard to convince him before that these things wouldn’t work out.

Kuroo hadn't been able to let it go. In the end, it was stupid of him to think otherwise, to hope that maybe they could work something out.

Dead on his feet, Kuroo stood up from his bed, facing Tsukishima with weariness in his eyes. He held back his emotions all day, he didn't have the energy to look put together right then. At least he knew what to expect now, and maybe that would soften the blow just a--

"What the  _fuck_  was that?" Tsukishima's voice eradicated the haze of silence, cutting through it with a barely whispered hiss. Tsukishima had obviously wanted to  _yell_  the question, but hey, when had they ever been allowed to do what they wanted?

But...what?

Kuroo jolted back, blinking in confusion with hands slightly raised in surrender. He didn't know  _why_ , but with how angry Tsukishima looked, he'd better not take chances. "Um...what was  _what_? I didn't..."

_I didn't do anything. Technically. Not in your mind._

After all, there was nothing between them. Ha.

Kuroo was sure Tsukishima would remember his words, would backtrack and pile on more denial before dismissing Kuroo completely, but Kuroo obviously wasn't as good at reading the situation as he thought.

Tsukishima huffed a laugh, gesturing vaguely with his hands. "Oh, so...telling me that you weren't serious about Suga..."

"I'm not."

"And then acting like you're going to marry the guy, asking him to dance--"

And oh, at that, Kuroo genuinely laughed, and he had to smack a hand over his mouth to keep the loud noise from slipping into the air. He got so caught up in the amusement, he missed the blatant acknowledgement of Kuroo’s own feelings from Tsukishima’s mouth.

Hesitation momentarily forgotten, he met Tsukishima in the middle of the room, close, with no thermos to keep them at bay. "I didn't realize dancing was a form of proposal now. Is that...is that why you didn't accept Teru's invite?"

Kuroo tried not to wince at his own jab, but shit...

Tsukishima recoiled at the words, but not as much as usual. He wasn't...he wasn't backing down. Tsukishima _wasn’t_ backing down.  Kuroo’s emotions were running wild, but if he was going to get "dumped" so to speak, he wasn't holding back either, no matter how shocked he was.

He'd been dealing with Tsukishima's jealousy all night while his own never got acknowledged, so whatever, screw pettiness. He'd feel bad later, like he always did.

But again, the denial and dismissal he anticipated never came, throwing a wrench in his expectations for this entire conversation.

Tsukishima _glared_. "Don't you—” Tsukishima stopped again with a deep breath, his hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose, reigning himself in. Tsukishima never did like when people had outbursts, and Kuroo respected him for it _._ Especially when Tsukishima was obviously trying to keep himself under control. All for Kuroo’s sake.

The observation was not helping Kuroo let go of this…whatever they were. But Kuroo let Tsukishima have his quiet, let him cool down. Kuroo needed it too honestly.

After a few minutes of Tsukishima’s long exhales, he spoke again, quieter. “No. It’s not a proposal.”

Stunned by the admission, by Tsukishima’s decision to not fight against him, Kuroo instinctively made a move to placate him. “Tsukki, that was out of line, I’m—”

“No, it wasn’t,” the blond whispered, lifting his head to meet Kuroo’s stare. His eyes looked calmer, but the concern and worry stayed lodged in them. Apparently, the blond was not going to let them go on a tangent, not yet. He had a one track mind. “Can I ask why you danced with him at least? Since when do you dance with someone you don't even like?"

An inkling of rage found its way into the question, but Tsukishima closed his eyes, waiting for Kuroo to speak. He never failed to let Kuroo speak, and that might’ve been their downfall from the beginning.

_Normally I would never, but you kinda gave me no choice right then._ And yeah, that was kind of bullshit, but Kuroo couldn't handle being at that table one more moment. But his stubbornness had not faded away completely, and he avoided the true answer, like a petulant brat. "It was one dance Tsukki--"

"Well you looked pretty damn cozy. I had no idea him cradling your face was a normal dance move." Tsukishima's voice cracked at the end, and the blond closed his eyes a second time, as if cursing himself.

Kuroo remembered what he was talking about, the cool press of fingers to his forehead, something which in context had been totally platonic. Tsukishima didn't know that, and Kuroo sighed, shaking his head furiously.

Fed up or not, Kuroo wasn't a liar. He didn't feel that way about Suga, not at all.

No more deflecting. No more being childish.

Tsukishima looked like he was two seconds away from pacing the floor, his eyes flitting all over the place in his attempt to get his bearings. Without much thought, Kuroo grabbed his shoulders, steadying him.

It was the most they'd ever touched, and he had to power through the greediness, the desire to press into soft flesh and pull Tsukishima closer.

"Tsukki..." Kuroo began, inhaling deeply. "No,  _Kei."_

Tsukishima eyes snapped up at the use of his given name, and goddamn, if it was going to get that reaction, Kuroo would've saved it for something less awful. Those honey brown eyes were still misted over, but they were attentive now, and that's all Kuroo needed as he spoke slowly. "Kei. It wasn't what you thought. He was just comforting me about something, it wasn't romantic. I only danced with him because I was sick of being around you and Terushima okay? I was jealous, that’s it."

_Ugh, it sounds so much dumber now._

"I was too," Tsukishima whispered instantly, like he hadn't processed the explanation at all. Kuroo's eyes widened, and he let go of the blond's shoulders, stumbling back. Tsukishima's gaze stayed locked on him, and for once, he didn't back off.

Yet, Kuroo could see Tsukishima’s guilt at the admission in the way his twisted his fingers. “I figured that’s why you did it too by the way. I believe you.”

_I’ve never give you a reason not to._ Despite knowing that, Kuroo loved hearing it.

And regardless of Kuroo’s shock, Tsukishima didn't put distance between them. If anything, he stepped closer.

Kuroo shook his head again. "But...then why are you--"

_Why were you accusing me?_

"I'm still allowed to hate it. I'm  _allowed_  to be upset," Tsukishima whispered, but then his eyes widened, realizing his mistake. "Though, I guess I'm not allowed, right?”

Tsukishima spoke as if the reality of it was just setting in, and it made Kuroo’s heart skip.

_I wish you were._

Tsukishima went on, pulling at his own fingers so harshly it must’ve stung. “I just can't help it. It’s the worst. You...the whole night...it made me so  _angry_. I just wanted to shake you and— _whatever_. I wanted to hear you say it meant nothing, or I was going to lose it. It makes no sense…"

Except it made perfect sense. The conflict of emotions, of right and wrong, Kuroo had shouldered the same thoughts for so long.

He couldn’t handle this. Tsukishima was being so honest, so open, and Kuroo should’ve been over the moon about it. But he still felt the frustration, the _hurt_ from the entire week in his heart, and…what? Was Tsukishima making fun of him or something? Finally admitting everything they’d both been feeling before finally telling Kuroo they were done?

Kuroo would’ve preferred the denial.

"You’re ridiculous," Kuroo said, laughing humorlessly, and he missed the hurt in Tsukishima’s expression. This was so rich. What did he think Kuroo had felt like this whole time? "Why do you even  _care_  Kei?"

If Tsukishima couldn’t answer that, the entire conversation had no base, no foundation. Okay, so he was jealous? _Why_? Kuroo wanted to hear it, but he doubted he would. If Tsukishima was trying to say goodbye for good, such a confession would make such a thing impossible.

"Why do I care? Are you serious?" Tsukishima actually had the nerve to ask, arms crossed, breaking Kuroo out of his predictions.

_…huh?_

"I—I’m just saying you’re awfully jealous for someone with no feelings for me at all," Kuroo replied, uncertain, but undeterred by the way Tsukishima squinted. "That's what you're still maintaining, right?"

Tsukishima stood there slack-jawed, disbelieving, and Kuroo's throat stung as he powered on, blinded by confusion. "Whatever delusions you have about the situation are none of my concern," Kuroo whispered, and oh...that was a mistake. Too far, way too far.

Tsukishima looked like he'd been slapped, funny given they were his words, but Kuroo was already gearing up to apologize, to ease that pain in his eyes.

"Kei, I--"

He expected Tsukishima to respond with anger, with more accusations but…well, that wasn’t his blond, was it? Kuroo was making horrible guesses today.

“You’re right,” Tsukishima whispered, and again, the statement caught Kuroo so off guard he nearly stumbled. He tried to respond, to ask what the blond meant, because god Kuroo felt so lost. The air sat saturated with the words as Tsukishima stared at him, biting his lip and shaking his head slowly.

"Tetsurou, I…sorry just, I thought we were a bit past that, but I guess I was wrong." Tsukishima continued with a slight laugh, and Kuroo didn't fight the pleasant chill which resulted from the intimate address.

_Past this...I think we're past a lot of things, but I still don’t get it._

Kuroo shrugged hopelessly. "I don't know what you mean. Kei, you have to tell me, I'm not as attuned to people as you think. Especially not you. What is it? What do you  _mean_?"

And he wasn't trying to be a dick either, he really didn't know.

Tsukishima spoke quietly, rubbing at his eyes. "Not me huh...I beg to differ. I think you know me a little too well..."

"Not possible," Kuroo replied with a laugh of his own, despite himself, and waited for Tsukishima to continue. He trusted he would, after all, they were both too cut open at this point to not be honest.

They'd abandoned the option of going to bed quite some time ago.

Tsukishima clicked his tongue, his voice shaking. "I know you’re not a mind reader though, doesn’t matter how well you know me. I _meant_ we should be past the denial. I figured you knew I was failing horribly at it…”

“Oh I did, but I was scared to point it out?” Kuroo admitted, shocking himself. He’d known that of course but saying it aloud was a different experience. He never wanted to hurt Kei, but Kei’s decisions had hurt them both. No. Both of their decisions. A blame game was pointless. “I don’t know Kei, I feel like I’m always torn between wanting to shake some sense into you and not wanting to push you too far.”

“You’re too considerate,” Tsukishima said, sighing. “And don’t even think of apologizing for the ‘delusions’ thing. I deserved that, and…”

Ah, Kuroo would’ve totally apologized too. As much as it stung, he loved being reminded how much Tsukishima paid attention to him.

“And?” Kuroo prodded, and he felt his lungs fighting for air. This whole conversation….it wasn’t going where he’d thought at all. He was in disbelief, and it scared him, but part of his pessimistic brain still clung to his first prediction, the one he was expecting most. “Listen Kei, I appreciate that you’re admitting all this but, I’m losing my mind. I thought this was what I needed but—I don’t know how to handle it? If—if you’re going to say we can’t be friends anymore fine, but just do it already.”

Tsukishima choked, seriously _choked_ on his own spit. It was as if someone had just told him the biggest lie imaginable. In that moment, the seed of realization was finally planted in Kuroo’s mind, struggling to grow.

“What made you think _that_?” Tsukishima demanded, expression still akin to that of a fairytale expert.

Kuroo couldn’t help it, he whined. “W-what wouldn’t make me think that? Earlier you said—”

“There's never been _delusions_ , and really who gives a  _fuck_  what I said earlier?” Tsukishima went on, but waved his hand a moment later, backtracking. “I mean, it was wrong and stupid. I shouldn't have assumed that I could try to....push _this_ away, because I'm obviously not  _capable_. Never was...it's so _fucking_ annoying."

Tsukishima spat out the word "capable" and Kuroo couldn't help but find it somewhat endearing. Even when Tsukishima was finally coming clean and spilling his guts, his pride didn't leave, his instinctual inclination to negate didn't dissolve or fade.  _Annoying_ , yeah it probably was.

It made Kuroo appreciate a lot more that Tsukishima wasn't lying to him.

But....his ability to articulate wasn't really thriving. The admission was right there, sitting at the surface, nearly there. The confession Kuroo had been waiting for, and yet now he found it all too overwhelming. Was this real? It couldn't be.

So, instead of asking or responding, he let his hands fall to the side, eyes never leaving Tsukishima while the blond chewed nervously on his bottom lip. "Oh."

And the blond laughed, a genuine one this time, but marred with the same shakiness his voice held. The anger was still there, for both of them, and it dripped back into Tsukishima's words. The blond actually kicked at the ground, that's the point they'd reached. "Oh? You never shut up and that's what you have to say....I guess that’s my fault though isn’t it?”

Another one of Kuroo’s walls fell.

This…couldn’t be…

But the look on Tsukishima’s face told him it was. He was about to get what he wanted, but there would be a cost attached.

Scarily enough, Kuroo didn’t know if he cared.

“I never did say it, did I?” Tsukishima asked, like he was talking to himself, his smile tired. “I’m sorry. I like you, I like you  _so_  much, and I hate it! I hate... _feeling_  like this all the time, but..."

_I like you._

The words were all he could hear. What he'd craved for so long he'd gotten, but Kuroo hadn't counted on what came next. He hadn't realized there would be more to say, more he needed to say.

Kuroo broke. Maybe it was the mix of the confession with Tsukishima's rage, or the fact that Tsukishima seemed to think he'd been suffering this alone. Whatever it was, it helped him find his voice, and everything snowballed. Kuroo didn't care for once, not at all.

He wasn’t necessarily angry about the confession, clearly not, but he’d been holding back all his fucking rage for a week it came pouring out.

And Tsukishima let it pour out. Must’ve known how badly Kuroo had been fighting this, how much he needed to detoxify.

"You hate it huh, do you know how long I’ve been waiting to hear that? Welcome to my world. How do you think I feel? You have no idea what it's been like for me, watching you be all lovey whatever with  _my_  cousin, and having to act like I don't even know you when—when I know so much about you! It’s-I get it’s not a competition but goddamn!"

Tsukishima winced, not from hurt, but from understanding. Kuroo went on, relaying all his stupid and petty memories. The camping trip, the tent, the thermos, the date, fuck he went back to the library too, talking about how much he’d wanted Tsukishima all that time.

Tsukishima stayed quiet, and Kuroo loved him for it, but he knew at some point Tsukishima would break. Tsukishima was reserved yes, but he was like Kuroo: one opinionated son of a bitch.

"And I don't blame you Kei alright, I don’t. It hurts is all, and I don’t know if you get it--"

And ah, that must’ve finally been the wrong thing to say.

"Excuse me?" Tsukishima threw his hands up, their whispers choked. "You think  _you've_  got it worse or something? What? Just because I've had a stick up my ass this whole time that means I'm some, ugh, some unfeeling ghost?"

Kuroo groaned to himself, his hand dragging over the side of his own face. This was not going well. He wasn't phrasing anything right. He had to say something, had to say-- "Of course not, but--"

Tsukishima wouldn't let him. He backed Kuroo into the bed, willing him to sit. "You want me to admit that too? Both our lives suck! This whole thing sucks! I'm the one in a relationship that clearly isn't gonna work, watching you flirt with some stranger a-and walking around with your head down trying to pretend like you're enjoying it--it...pisses me off!"

Defensive, Kuroo sputtered. "First off, who says I'm not enjoying it?"

Tsukishima huffed in disbelief. "Oh please, now who's in denial. You couldn't take your eyes off me at dinner, or ever for that matter. Not since day one."

He....could not argue that. In all honestly, this wasn't even a fight anymore. What were they arguing about now?  _I like you more, no me._ Kuroo felt ridiculous but...but this was such a long time coming. "As if it's not a two-way street."

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. "Oh my god, I never said it wasn't! For someone so smart, you've sure conned yourself," Tsukishima said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You seriously think you're the one here who's suffering more? As if...as if you like me more than I like you? Well fucking breaking news, you  _don't_."

Kuroo's jaw went slack, and he stuttered, fumbling.

Tsukishima had apparently had enough though. "I do hate this Tetsurou, I hate feeling this way but not because I regret liking you. I don't think I could stop how  _good_  it feels even if I tried. I don't know how to explain it...it's so new to me...I don't  _understand_."

Kuroo's shoulders deflated, his body numb as he watched Tsukishima above him, surrendering himself. Kuroo knew that. Kuroo didn't think Tsukishima was in the wrong. He was just frustrated and his mouth had turned against him, spitting out irrelevant opinions and facts which got them nowhere.

They were both in pain, different kinds but still. It hardly mattered what they'd suffered individually or whether one was worse than the other. Point was, they were stuck. And worse, Kuroo wouldn't wish to not love Tsukishima even if given the chance. He'd stay in this situation gladly, through thick and thin.  _Why?_

_You don't understand huh? Neither do I. I don't get it either. But it's okay, I don't have to. I just know that when you walk into a room..._

"But when I see you," Tsukishima sighed, helpless. "You and your dumb hair and your grin, I just want to be next to you, all the time, but saying that makes me feel  _awful_. Don't you see? I'm not supposed to feel this way, but I do, since the beginning. So, don’t try to say I don’t get it _ever_ again."

And Kuroo wouldn’t not after a speech like that, not after hearing the shame in Tsukishima’s voice alongside the adoration he held for Kuroo.

Terushima's face flashed in Kuroo head, how happy he looked with Tsukishima on his arm, the way he'd been Kuroo's right hand man since they were kids.

"I know you're not," Kuroo said, blinking tears away, and he hoped Tsukishima knew what he was referring to.  _I'm not supposed to feel this way either._  "It should've never....this is all my--"

"If you say it's your fault I will punch you," Tsukishima stated simply. "This is on us both. You're kidding yourself if you think putting distance between us would've solved anything. I tried, remember? You had no problem pointing it out..."

And ouch, he deserved that. Kuroo grabbed Tsukishima's wrist, because grabbing his hand would've been too far. Or err…farther. "I know. I'm sorry. But Kei, all this shit really hurt me, you know that? I couldn't help myself sometimes and I did stupid things. I thought you’d’ try pushing me away again, so forgive me if I snapped when I was expecting the worst.”

Kuroo’s attempts to separate them hadn’t gone well anyways. Some way, somehow, he and Tsukishima seemed to gravitate back to each other, weighed down by genuine concern and unable to stay angry with each other.

They couldn’t help it.

Reluctantly, Tsukishima nodded, his hand wrapped around Kuroo's wrist as well.

"I'm sorry too," Tsukishima whispered, and hearing the apology had Kuroo's eyes widening like dinner plates. Tsukishima....wasn't really the type to apologize. Not easily anyways. Or maybe Kuroo had assumed that. His mistake.

Tsukishima continued, face tired and worn from emotion. He sounded frustrated, but if this wasn't Kuroo's fault, it certainly wasn't Tsukishima's either. He had to understand that. "Denial could only get me so far and you knew that from the beginning because you know  _me_. I was wrong. I'm sorry it took this long, or shit, I'm sorry I'm even here in the first place."

Tsukishima smiled ruefully, sagging against the bed. In any other situation, their positions were dangerous. How easy it would be to pull him into an embrace, to hold him close. Kuroo couldn't do that.

Tsukishima's words made Kuroo's grip tighten, like Tsukishima would try to escape now. "You'd...you would've run away from me?"

"No." An instant reply. "But this never should've happened. I should've broken up with Yuuji as soon as I'd met you, that was my mistake, but....but I hate being wrong. I hate it so much that I told myself it was nothing." 

Tsukishima hesitated over Terushima's name, closing his eyes from the guilt. Kuroo couldn't allow it anymore, and he moved slowly, guiding Tsukishima to sit down next to him. "Kei...this isn't your fault. We didn't know."

"I should've stopped it though. I knew it....deep down I really did," Tsukishima said, his head falling onto Kuroo's shoulder. It was probably closer than they should've been, but Kuroo made excuses for it. He was weak to Tsukishima, so weak. But at least the feeling was returned.

"You're wrapped around my finger, aren't you?" He said aloud, because why bother keeping it hidden?

Tsukishima kicked him weakly, shaking his head. "Do you ever listen?"

"Always to you."

Tsukishima sighed. "Yeah, you do. You know...and I'm not trying to make comparisons or anything, I always convinced myself Yuuji listened to me and paid attention to the things that counted. Now though, I think that was me pretending. But...why would I do that? Why would I--"

"Kei, you need to stop beating yourself up," Kuroo cut in. "This situation...anyone else would've done the same. We didn't realize, and now--"

"And now we're still in a huge fucking mess," Tsukishima finished. Kuroo's head fell, unable to offer any optimism. Tsukishima was right. Yeah their feelings were clear now, but it had virtually solved nothing.

Now what?

"I just wanted him to be you so bad, I didn't see..." Tsukishima finished, and Kuroo inhaled, staring up at the ceiling.  _Well, I wanted to be him too, so..._

"Do you think we're bad people?" Tsukishima asked, and Kuroo felt his throat tighten. Tsukishima couldn't be a bad person if he tried, not to Kuroo.

Kuroo wondered what forces in the universe had felt this was alright. This whole mess, how had they deserved any of it? These things....there was no way they could've controlled them. Was there a way to be a good person when life did this?

Maybe Kuroo should've told Terushima the truth from the beginning, maybe Tsukishima should've trusted his gut more. And now, this was punishment. They'd failed some sort of test, and now they had to make a choice.

No one was going to come out of this unscathed in some way, they just had to decide how bad it was going to be.

Wordlessly, Tsukishima pulled away, the warmth of his body still fresh. He met Kuroo's eyes with a raw determination, searching and scared alongside it. And yeah, Kuroo really wanted to kiss him for that look, but that would be another mistake.

They couldn't afford more of those. Neither of them wanted this to be a bad fallout. They had people to protect, and no matter how painful the wait, they'd solve this problem as well as they could.

It might've been impossible, but they'd try.

It didn't mean they had to hide their vulnerability though, and finally, a tear slipped from the corner of Tsukishima's eyes. Only one. That was probably all the blond would allow. If he broke completely now, there was no hope for their plan.

"Tetsurou," Tsukishima whispered. "I can't take this anymore. I don't know what to do. What are we going to do?"

The words hit Kuroo like a cement truck, because they were his from just a few days prior. Wow...it had felt like years since then. How had that happened? So much had transpired, so much pain and confusion. All in the course of a few  _days_. Time with Tsukishima seemed endless he guessed, and he only hoped one day he'd be able to enjoy that, instead of being stuck in this hell.

It definitely put things into perspective though. Here they were, on vacation in the woods with all Kuroo's friends. It was a bad time to make a scene, and bad time to try and make amends. They couldn't rush this, and as much as Kuroo hated it, he had to be reasonable about things.

"I think...we need to wait," he said, glaring at the floor. "Kei, we need to wait until the vacation is over."

" _What_?" Tsukishima asked, standing again. "Kuroo...that's, we can't--"

"What's the alternative?" Kuroo interrupted, sending Tsukishima a sympathetic smile which effectively sent the blond's walls crumbling. "You came here  _with_  Teru. This isn't something we can just.... _do_  and then cut and run. And I'm not--I'm not going to be that guy anyways. You're not the type either. You care about him, so do I. We have to wait."

_We can't be together yet. We just can't._

And Kuroo wanted to scream but he couldn't do that either. He only hoped Tsukishima would agree.

Of course he would though, and Kuroo loved him for it.

Tsukishima's legs eventually wobbled again, sending him plopping back onto the shitty mattress. Kuroo watched him, admiring how the cogs turned and the points connected. Tsukishima was such a competent, meticulous thinker. He went over every outcome, moving things in his head.

But naturally, he came to the same conclusion Kuroo had.

This was the only way.

"This is so fucked," Tsukishima whispered with a sigh. Kuroo laughed, nodding. For how badly he wanted to cry, he was pretty damn composed. Then, a tiny speck of panic flashed in Tsukishima's eyes. "I don't...what if I can't-- _ugh_. I don't want to lie to him Tetsurou, he doesn't deserve that. I don't want to do that--"

"Kei--"

"I can't lie that well, I can't--"

"Kei.  _Kei_ , you have to. You're going to  _have_  to," Kuroo stressed desperately, grabbing Tsukishima by the shoulders, and he felt his own heart breaking for his cousin. It was true. Terushima shouldn't have been mixed up in their situation like this, but in the long run, this would spare him most...right? Kuroo hoped so. He prayed it so.

He loved his cousin so much, but he knew Tsukishima couldn't stay with him. Some things weren't meant to be, and Kuroo had to come to terms with that. They had to stop being so damn pitiful.

Tsukishima cursed, but conceded, and by this point, his lip had been bitten raw. Kuroo tried to keep his eyes off the swollen flesh, unable to end his immoral desires. If only he was more of a selfish jerk, he'd just  _take_  what he wanted.

But there was more at stake, and numbly, he pried his hands away from Tsukishima's arms, burying his head in them instead.

They sat there like that for a while, not bothering to look at the clock. It must've been 2 AM by then, not that Tsukishima would've been able to sleep anyways. He didn't seem worried about Terushima wondering where he'd gone. Apparently, Terushima never did.

Kuroo didn't pry on that.

Now, neither of them would sleep, but such was the burden to bear.

In a way, the quiet of the room was like a pact they were making, both of them sitting there coming to terms with their decision. It was messed up and nauseating, yet needed.

After the long silence, Kuroo raised his head, just in time to meet Tsukishima's gaze.

Searing.

Kuroo swallowed, keep his eyes stubbornly trained everywhere except Tsukishima's parted lips. He wondered if the blond even realized he was doing that, or if it was natural, like an urge. Kuroo licked his own lips, his breathing shaky as he pulled away, stomping his foot on the floor. The noise made them both jump, and they waited for a sound from upstairs, the slightest indication that they'd been heard.

Nothing.

Sighing one more time, Kuroo smiled at Tsukishima sadly, shrugging, because what else was there to do? "I think you should go now, Tsukishima."

And with the return to formality, Tsukishima got the picture.

It was dangerous to be together now, so close, so aware.

So, with pain still locked in his eyes, Tsukishima nodded, not yet rising from the bed. "Yeah, I think so too."

Like a slug, Tsukishima moved from the bed, dragging his feet towards the door like everything in the world willed him to stay. Kuroo clawed at the sheets again, forcing himself to stay put.

Turning back, Tsukishima met Kuroo's eyes one last time for the night, a hidden confirmation. "Goodnight, Kuroo."

_Yeah, love you too._

Kuroo watched him leave, hoping it would be the last time, but knowing it was wishful thinking. Then, the door shut softly, and it was as if Tsukishima had never been in the room at all.

And well, Kuroo thought, maybe it was best to believe that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading and hopefully you all are still on board with this story lol. Comments are always appreciated, and I'll see you soon <3
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	9. If I only could

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I bring with me another semi-long update ffff (it was supposed to be even longer but this fic runs away with me, I had to split this chapter up...). Thank you to everyone who reviewed last time, the comments mean everything to me, and I'm glad I'm back to update now that finals are all done at uni! I hope everyone enjoys! Big thanks to [EmeraldWaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldWaves/pseuds/EmeraldWaves) for reading this over!

Despite the pure bizarreness and instability of their situation, Kuroo couldn't deny that after their heart to heart, being around Tsukishima became a thousand times easier.

Weirdly so.

Maybe too much so.

Kuroo breathed in the crisp mid-morning air, the light frost on the grass crunching under his feet as he walked towards the blond, unable to stay away. Another consequence of the previous night, one he hadn't felt the need to fight against.

Tsukishima was currently staring curiously at the backpack at his feet, transferring what he could into a smaller, more portable pack which wouldn't get in the way while he rowed.

It was canoeing day, something Yahaba had insisted on. It didn't surprise Kuroo; it wouldn't have been much of a reunion without a competitive race or two across the lake. He for once, didn't hate the idea. Maybe he could try to keep up with Tsukishima somehow, now that they weren't avoiding each other like the plague.

_Thank god for that..._

Cliche as it might've been, Kuroo sighed, easy smile on his face as he watched the blond organize and reorganize his supplies. So mundane a task, but it was so Tsukishima, to narrow everything down and rationalize each item, like he was going on a two day hike and not a quick canoe ride.

One day, he'd treat Tsukishima to a better camping experience, when he could be more...hands on.

The blond's hair glittered in the sun, but Kuroo could see the slight coarseness to it from a short, rough sleep. Tsukishima had dutifully tamed what he could with a beanie. The bags under his eyes weren't hidden though, and they probably mirrored Kuroo's own.

What was another sleepless night? He wouldn't have traded it for the world.

As if sensing Kuroo's approach, the blond finally looked up, and it was like a gust of mountain breeze, far more invigorating than anything nature could've provided. It stole the air out of Kuroo's lungs when Tsukishima smiled shyly,  _giddily_ , covering his mouth with his hoodie sleeve as if that would somehow hide his growing grin.

_Fuck_. Kuroo could not stay away from that even if he tried. He  _did_  try not to look too eager though, as his feet carried him quickly to close the gap between them.

Tsukishima snorted when Kuroo made it to him, so he guessed he hadn't been as inconspicuous as he thought. Not that it mattered. Kuroo had shared more than enough, and the other read him easily.

"Really?" The blond asked, shaking his head, keeping his gaze back down towards his pack. To Kuroo's relief, it wasn't from pure avoidance. In fact, he understood. If they looked at each other for even a second, neither could stop themselves from smiling. Probably not a good idea.

"Really what? I'm just coming over here to help you out." Kuroo grinned cheekily, picking up Tsukishima's...flashlight? "What exactly do you think is gonna happen out there, the death of the sun?"

Grabbing the flashlight with mock frustration, Tsukishima sighed, but to Kuroo's glee, effectively ditched the device as part of his 'potentials' pile. "I hadn't gotten to that one yet, for your information."

"Mmhm," Kuroo hummed, reaching for the next closest item. A fucking pair of binoculars. And damn, Kuroo couldn't help it, he burst out laughing, watching Tsukishima's blush grow by the second as he snatched it away.

Yeah, the other definitely needed to go camping more. Kuroo was vaguely aware of the rest of the groups' eyes watching him from other spots on the shore, but he was too lost to care. Kuroo's ugly laugh shouldn't have been new to them anyways.

He wasn't surprised by the blond though, as amusing as his travel preferences were. It was in Tsukishima's nature to be stupidly over-prepared. Bless.

"Leave me alone," the blond said, struggling to stay angry when his own laughter threatened to bubble up. He, of course, threw the binoculars into the rejected pile. Another win.

Kuroo wheezed, eyeing the blond with a kind of mockery only he could match. And as expected, Tsukishima didn't back down, not even when Kuroo stepped too far over the line. "I don't think you really want that,  _Tsukki_."

And he could confidently say it was the truth this time.

Tsukishima stalled, but he didn't retreat, not like all the previous instances.  _Risky, not good, stop it._

Those were the things one part of Kuroo's brain said to him, but his more reckless side won out when Tsukishima looked at him like this, with soft eyes and no trace of denial.

It made Kuroo  _yearn_ , and knowing Tsukishima felt the same way made that yearning burn like wildfire, running rampant and unable to be extinguished.

But this....was not what he wanted. He didn't want to hold back, but he had to, and in the next moment he remembered exactly why that was.

"Oh sweet babe, you have the canoe set up already!" Terushima jogged up, throwing his arm around Tsukishima's waist. And like that, Kuroo had to come crashing back to reality. Immediately, he chastised himself, smile falling while he tried not to groan from the punch to the gut his emotions gave him. From the way Tsukishima tensed, he could tell he wasn't the only one feeling ashamed.

This was wrong. So  _wrong_.

Mentally, he apologized to his cousin and Tsukishima for a lot of things. He was so close to having what he wanted, but that gave him no right to be so greedy so soon. The guilt consumed him as he automatically backed away from the couple, but part of him still narrowed in on the way Terushima kissed Tsukishima's cheek.

You know, because he was a dick like that.

Again, being around Tsukishima felt more comfortable now...with just a few exceptions. The possessiveness Kuroo felt was one of them. Repressing an eye roll, Kuroo shook off the frustration, knowing none of this was Terushima's fault.

He knew he would've hated it more if Tsukishima spurned those advances, if he distanced himself. Terushima deserved to be treated right until the very end, regardless of how much Kuroo wished the end would just  _come_ already.

"Huh? Oh yeah, Yachi helped me pull it over. I packed the snacks you like too," Tsukishima said, and Kuroo couldn't help but smile a little. Good to know they were on the same page. Guilt or not, feelings or not, Tsukishima continued to treat his cousin well.

Kuroo only hoped Terushima kept that happiness, no matter what happened.

"Awesome!" Terushima exclaimed, and his eyes flicked to Kuroo with an immature playfulness Kuroo had missed all too much. "Hope you don't capsize man, I know it's been a while for you."

And sadness aside, Kuroo loved this bastard, and couldn't forget how glad he was to see him again. Even when he was too arrogant for his own good...

_You little shit. You're more of a city boy than I am._

As if echoing the sentiment, Tsukishima nudged his boyfriend, earning another peck which Kuroo dutifully ignored.

Terushima's brown eyes glistened with a challenge Kuroo couldn't back down from anyways, and he met the gaze head on with a smirk. "You  _wish_. We'll see who ends up with the last laugh."

But Terushima wouldn't get to dispute that any time soon.

"Uh yeah," Yahaba called as he approached them with their life vests. "It's going to be  _me_. Don't get too cocky you two, you haven't won anything since high school. Well, except maybe a kick in the ass."

"Somehow I can see that," Tsukishima said, and he and Yahaba shared a smirk that would surely one day be everyone's downfall.

_Cold_.

"I'll make you eat those words! You and Kyoutani have it coming," Terushima said, his grip around Tsukishima's waist tightening in excitement. Somehow, the blond wasn't complaining or dying from lack of breathing room. Not that he would've been able to get a word in, with how engaged in the fight Terushima became.

(No one was going to blame him. Through some act of witchcraft, none of them managed to beat Yahaba in much of anything).

While Kuroo was fairly sure Yahaba was winning this fight as well (also, there was no way Kyoutani's 'born to be an athlete' arms were going to lose this race), he wasn't paying attention.

Tsukishima managed to slip out of his boyfriend's grasp, standing off to the side with Kuroo as the brawl went on. It didn't seem like much but...Kuroo knew they were both stealing glances at each other, both somehow giddy from the proximity alone, like high school crushes, painfully sweet and innocent. Kuroo could've stayed like that for the rest of the day, grinning and laughing at nothing in particular whenever Tsukishima looked in his direction.

But Kuroo could never catch a break it seemed. He'd learned that brutally over the past month.

"Hey Kuroo! Could you come help me get this last canoe out?" Semi's voice called from the nearby lake shed at the top of the hill, just a short walk from the shore. Kuroo squinted as he looked towards him, debating. It was childish, but his first thought was how it was too far from Tsukishima.

He'd have to get over that eventually.

He had no real choice though, everyone else was occupied. Or...they tried to look it. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were busy dragging their own canoe, and Yachi seemed to be keeping Kyoutani company while his husband tried to noogie Terushima hard enough to make him lose brain cells. To say nothing of Shirabu and Suga....Kuroo did not want to go anywhere near them. As soon as he'd locked eyes with them they eyed him critically, though Suga's gaze was friendlier and teasing.

Shirabu's...could've cut glass.

Ouch.

Wincing to himself, Kuroo called back an affirmative, and hurriedly jogged towards Semi and the stack of multicolored canoes. Okay, maybe this was better. A distraction was always better.

He was feeling much too out of sorts today, the cocktail of guilt and want not agreeing all that well. Best way to handle that? Exercise.

Or so he hoped.

"Hey thanks," Semi said, somewhat breathless. Kuroo winced again from another pang of guilt. Yeah, he could've helped more...whoops. He was rarely this useless. Resolving to make up for it now, he reached up, grabbing the end of a bright red canoe and expecting Semi to follow his lead.

"Kuroo, I think you should be more careful," the other said instead, and Kuroo's brow furrowed in confusion. Listen...he didn't lift weights like he used to but he had plenty of muscle  _dammit_.

"Yeah I got it, just make sure you grab the--"

But when Kuroo turned to his cousin, he found no trace of teasing.

_Oh._

Semi's face stared back at him, more serious than when he played on a court, eyes boring into Kuroo's like he dared him to try and look away. It was a look that only meant one thing, and left no room for interpretation.

Kuroo didn't have time to feel panic, or anything really. Bowing his head, he kicked the nearest canoe. " _Shirabu_."

He heard Semi clear his throat, could see the weak nod from the corner of his eye. Dammit. Damn it all. He should've known better than to think this wouldn't happen eventually.

"You can't expect me to not realize when my husband is hiding something," Semi sighed, solidifying Kuroo's thoughts. In the next second, Semi dragged Kuroo behind the shed. Kuroo followed obediently, blindly, his expression resigned to this conversation. It wasn't like he was worried, shockingly, no...

He was more upset he'd let someone else down. Watching Semi stand there, running his hands over his face in exhaustion, only made that feeling worse.

_I didn't want you to be disappointed in me._

Too late for that.

Semi exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose, an old habit when he had to collect his thoughts. It was a dead giveaway for when the other didn't know how to start a conversation off. Kuroo wasn't going to rush him. This was how Semi looked the day he told Kuroo he liked Shirabu, when he told them all he wanted to play professional volleyball, the day he  _proposed_.

It wasn't something Kuroo could ignore or hurry along.

But eventually, Semi fixed Kuroo to the spot once again with his eyes, and to Kuroo's surprise, concern sat laced within them. Not anger, not sadness. Confusion, worry. "Kuroo, I'm not going to lecture you, even though I'd  _love_  to lecture you."

He tried to not flinch. Kuroo closed his eyes, shoulders tense as he waited for the words to continue.

"...but I'm giving you a chance here. I love you and I trust you, so I'm giving you the  _chance_  to tell me what the  _hell_  is going on."

Time seemed to slow. This was Kuroo's chance to lie. To make something up and twist this in his favor. There had to be a way he could do that. Or hell, he could even storm off, avoid the question. There were lots of options, regardless of how trapped he'd felt for so long.

However, he was getting pretty damn tired of lying. That was all he did these days, lie and lie again. It was always for the sake of those he loved but...at some point he had to give a little.

Kuroo didn't want to lie to his family. It nagged at him, how much he hated it, more than the pining, more than the possessiveness. These people had been there for him for all his life, and even now, when he couldn't possibly look  _worse_ , they gave him an opportunity to redeem himself.

Shirabu too, hadn't judged him right away, had restrained himself. He'd still made Kuroo an omelette that morning, smiled at him when he'd cracked some dumb joke over breakfast. Semi too, regardless of what they knew.

Because they believed in him, had faith in his decisions. Whether that faith was deserved, they had to decide for themselves, but they couldn't if Kuroo never laid it out for them to see.

Kuroo already had to lie to Terushima, but he wouldn't lie to anyone else.

"It's him," Kuroo uttered uselessly, and he threw up his hands in a weak display of helplessness. Surrender. "From the library."

For a moment, he saw Semi's face twist further into loss, and then he remembered he'd never actually elaborated on Terushima's callout at the first night's dinner.

He'd really kept them all in the dark, hadn't he? The person who knew the most was Terushima, and oh the irony...

Backtracking, Kuroo sputtered, moving his hands as if that would somehow help make sense of the timeline. "You--Teru--remember when he said I had met someone at the library?"

Semi arched a brow. "...yes?"

"Well, he was right. I met someone, and they're just...perfect, so..." Kuroo sighed, breathless, getting lost in the brief memory of Tsukishima standing there behind the help desk, punching in codes and numbers. He'd stolen Kuroo's heart right then, doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

He must've zoned out for a second, because Semi looked at him as if he'd grown a second skin. Made sense. The other had never seen Kuroo in love before.

"I got to know them really well but--"

Semi interrupted, and goddamn, for once Kuroo wished Shirabu was here. The gremlin had probably connected all these dots already, while his husband processed things like an old man when they didn't concern volleyball. "Wait wait, you said you weren't close--"

"I  _lied_ ," Kuroo ground out uselessly, embarrassed. He didn't like being reminded of his pettiness. "I lied because I didn't want to talk about it."

_That's not the point though!_

Semi shook his head, raising his hands in an effort to catch up. "Okay well...why? Wait no, what does any of this have to do with--"

"Semi, for the love of god shut up."

" _Excuse me_?"

Kuroo bulldozed ahead, unwilling to get off track. Who knew when this kind of courage would leave him? "Teru tried to tell me to go for it and ask the library guy out, but I told him I couldn't, because library guy was in a relationship already."

"Okay, so that gives you the right to flirt with your cousin's boyfriend?" Semi asked, and thank god he kept his voice hushed.

_I'm going to strangle you._

Kuroo just stared at him, stared long and hard at his cousin as the sounds of the woods enveloped them, the occasional laughter echoing off the shore. He didn't back down, didn't stop until he saw Semi's eyes widen, the light bulb in his head shattering to pieces.

It could've been his heart too, but he steeled himself, taking the brunt force of his own mistakes piling up before him.

"Oh my god," Semi whispered, and Kuroo laughed humorlessly, ready to nap for thousands of years. Impossible, sadly.

He watched as Semi's face twisted and changed over and over, the flurry of realizations hitting him one by one as he replayed the past few days in his mind.

Kuroo didn't know what to expect at this point, so he let it happen. Would he get chewed out? Pitied? Would Semi try and discourage him? Who knew? Kuroo maybe should've had more faith, but he was so worn out, so tired.

He wanted to collapse in Tsukishima's arms, lock them both away from all this, but at the same time he knew he couldn’t. He wanted his family, wanted their love. But how could he ask that of them in this kind of situation?

He didn't know what to expect anymore, but it made the outcome all the more earth shattering each time.

After a few strenuous minutes of silence, Kuroo found himself with an armful of Semi Eita, crushing him in a hug twice as painful as Yahaba's. It stole his ability to breathe, either from the force or the shock, or maybe just from the way it made Kuroo want to fall to his knees and cry, like he'd do when they were kids and they got hurt.

He couldn't do that, he had to get away, had to push Semi away before--

"Oh Kuroo, I'm so sorry," Semi said, tightening his hold around Kuroo's shoulders. That....that was more than Kuroo could take. He shut his eyes tight, begging himself to keep the tears in. He hadn't realized how much he'd needed the comfort, and not just from Tsukishima...

But why?

_You're supposed to be angry with me._

Kuroo raised his arms shakily, clutching Semi for a few brief moments before he was pushing him away slowly. Semi wouldn't budge.

Kuroo laughed, unable to think of an appropriate reaction for the mess of emotions in his chest. "Dude I...I really can't handle this right now."

"Oh shit," Semi said, stepping away at the sound of Kuroo's trembling voice, noticing the choked nature almost immediately. Yeah...Kuroo never was great at holding back. "Sorry."

Semi smiled sheepishly, but then the frown was back, and he eyed Kuroo carefully. "Kuroo, how could you not say anything? This, we would've--"

"What was I supposed to say?" Kuroo's voice came out helpless, unsure. Semi's silence only spurred him on. He had to know things weren't that clean cut. "What would you have done? This isn't exactly something I could've fixed without ruining  _everything_. It's him Semi, Terushima's  _boyfriend_."

And at the rasp of frustration with which Kuroo uttered the words, like they were cursed, they both flinched.

Terushima's boyfriend.

Even now, he wasn't over it.

The silence descended again, and they could hear Yahaba and Terushima arguing from the lakeside. It wouldn't last forever. They couldn't  _stay_ here forever.

"I...okay, so I know it's not that simple but goddammit Kuroo!" Semi exclaimed in a hushed whisper. "We could've figured this out..."

And then, as if the worst case scenario dawned on him, Semi's face fell. "Oh god, you two haven't--"

The insinuation made Kuroo clap his hands over the other's mouth, wishing the hurtful words away. He would never, they would  _never_.

"No, fuck no. We've haven't touched, we haven't done anything except..." Kuroo left it at that, more due to a loss for words than any real shame. He never felt ashamed of his feelings for Tsukishima, only how they'd manifested, how he'd handled them.

Semi stared at him, watching as Kuroo's eyes flashed with a passionate fury so unlike him. The way he would've jumped to Tsukishima's defense in an instant, the way he kept Terushima's feelings in mind. He'd rather die than have people think he didn't care about the outcome of this mess. He wanted it to end as smoothly as possible, but damn...

It ached. The love was so strong it hurt, and Semi had to notice it.

Staring at Kuroo fondly, Semi asked the question with the most obvious of answers. "So he feels the same?"

And in the midst of his aggression, his doubt, Kuroo found himself smiling at the words. Like a reflex, at just the idea of it. That wow feeling, because Tsukishima wasn't his yet, but he wanted to be, and would be...

Kuroo would make sure of it. He was selfless in a lot of ways, but with this he just couldn't be.

"Yes," he sighed hopelessly, and he was brought back to the night before, with the weight of Tsukishima's head on his shoulder. "He does."

_And I love him so much._

"He's going to break-up with Teru after the trip, we're going to be together," Kuroo uttered, mostly to himself, a reminder of something only days away. It should make him feel awful, and it partly did, but most of all he felt nothing but glorious anticipation of holding Tsukishima in his arms without the same guilt they'd both been carrying.

Bookends, finally allowed to join.

Swallowing to keep a new set of tears down, Kuroo shrugged, waiting for his cousin's reply. Maybe now, maybe  _now_  Semi would see, would react properly. Nothing about this scenario could be resolved so simply.

Then again, Kuroo had never stopped to think about Semi's opinion before. He'd never asked about Shirabu's. Again, he'd ignored what was most important.

Semi sighed for the billionth time, enough to make Kuroo tire of the sound, but his next words shook Kuroo out of such a calm state to make those kinds of bland observations.

"Oh man, what a mess. But...in a weird way, I'm happy for you Kuroo," Semi said, smiling as he put his hand on Kuroo's shoulder. 

That was definitely more than he was willing to take.

Kuroo forgot all about the joy and worry he'd allowed himself to dwell on, eyes narrowing dangerously. He immediately swatted the hand away. "You shouldn't be. Terushima...he'll--"

"He'll understand."

_What the fuck?_

"How could you even  _say_  that?" Kuroo said, fueled by pure disbelief. Was Semi so used to fairytale endings he couldn't see how much of a hell this was for everyone? The break up, the fallout, Kuroo dating Tsukishima...how was any of it going to be understood by outsiders? Was Semi in denial? Was he pretending for Kuroo's sake?

Kuroo refused to let up. "What's wrong with you anyways? You're supposed to be mad! Don't take my side in this!"

Semi sputtered indignantly. "Don't turn this on me! I'm not on anyone's side!"

_Bullshit_.

"Then tell me to stop thinking about being with Tsukishima. Tell me to let him go, that this is wrong, that I should let him be happy with Terushima. In any normal situation, that's what you'd be doing, so  _do_  it."

Regardless of whether or not Kuroo's heart could take it, it was what made sense. It was so stupid, so incredibly stupid, how torn he was. He wanted his friends to understand, to not hate him for this, but at the same time...they couldn't turn against Terushima like that. In terms of technicalities, he was the real victim here, and Kuroo wouldn't let him be ignored.

Semi faltered in his response, glaring at the ground when the words didn't come as quickly.

Kuroo shook his head, amazed. "You can't. Why?"

Semi tugged at his own hair, groaning. "God Kuroo, why do you think? I want what's best for both you and Terushima, you both mean the world to me and--"

"Then you should--"

Semi pushed him, silencing him on the spot. "And you  _know_  they don't work, they just don't  _work_."

The words shock Kuroo clean out of any intelligible reply. It shouldn't have, because yeah, he did know, but...

He never expected anyone else to see that so clearly.

"...what?"

Semi stared back sadly, his expression about as guilty as Kuroo felt. "They...don't work. I want Terushima to be happy,  _so_  happy."

"Me too," Kuroo replied numbly, like an idiot, and Semi smiled, smoothing out the front of Kuroo's jacket in apology.

"Then, if you want him to be as happy as he can be, you understand....he can't stay with Tsukishima. They aren't--"

"They aren't in love," Kuroo said aloud, for the first time without any anger or pettiness, just as a straight up fact.

"No, not at all. And that's not either of their faults," Semi clarified. "But, it's clear to me. And Shirabu. And probably the rest of the group too, no matter how much we like Tsukishima."

At that, Kuroo somewhat perked up, the statement sending a small surge of joy through him. "You guys like him?"

Semi laughed, shoving Kuroo again, less harshly. "Duh. You really don't notice much with him around do you? You must be more whipped than I thought."

"Hey, you're right, but still rude," Kuroo argued, but any bite the words might've had fell on deaf ears.

"Guess we'll see when you guys actually do start dating," Semi said, laughing again when Kuroo's face lit up.

As happy as the prospect of bringing Tsukishima to another reunion on his arm made him ecstatic, the self-reproach nagged at him, staining his features. "You really think Teru will be okay?"

"Mm, not right away," Semi stated bluntly, and Kuroo bit his lip. He'd assessed that already, reasoned it out, but it hurt nonetheless. In a perfect world, he'd make sure Terushima walked away unscathed. "It's going to take time Kuroo. Maybe some awkwardness and distance, but he loves you. And eventually, he'll realize it was for the best."

_For the best..._

Such hope seemed far-fetched, unrealistic, but Kuroo allowed himself to bathe in it just this once. He had to believe Semi was right, for his own good. He'd believe in all of them, since it was the least he could do.

Then Semi was snapping his fingers in Kuroo's face, willing him out of his thoughts. Semi's face was hard again, the same no-nonsense expression for earlier painting his face.

_Ah, man._

"But Kuroo....you can't be this careless. You're flirting with him, and it's getting obvious," Semi warned, much to Kuroo's embarrassment. "We're not dumb Kuroo, and we know you. The others are going to start to notice, if they haven't already." 

_Shit._

Kuroo groaned, more like _whined_ , from the frustration. This sucked. He'd never been allowed to be openly gross and in love, and he  _still_  wasn't.

"Fine," he said, because yeah, Semi had a point. For this plan to work, he had to keep himself in check. That meant treading lightly around Tsukishima  _and_  Terushima, and as sad as it was, staying  _away_  from Terushima. As scatterbrained and impulsive as the other could be, he'd known Kuroo for his whole life, and if something was off, he'd sense it.

"I mean it," Semi said, finally leading Kuroo out from behind the shed. Just in time too.

"Eita-kun! At this rate the water is going to dry up before we get out on the lake!" Oikawa called, and Semi flipped him off like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Ah okay, maybe his relationship with Shirabu did make sense.

Grabbing one end of the last canoe, Kuroo hoisted it up.

"Be careful," Semi warned again, and Kuroo rolled his eyes.

"Yeah yeah, I know, no flirting," he grumbled, holding one end of the canoe on his shoulder.

"Whoa relax," Semi said, smirk wide and oh so punchable. "I was talking about the canoe."

With a wink, they were off, and Kuroo was once more torn between how much he loved his friends, and how much he hated them.

\--

Somehow, Tsukishima had become accustomed to the cold bite of the lakeside over the course of a few days, something he'd never thought possible.

Then again, maybe it was more the fact that the chill and smooth lap of waves offered a consolation he couldn't find anywhere else. It gave him things to focus on, the muddy water, the coarse sand riddled with twigs, so unlike the beach's smooth grains.

It was beautiful, a change from the harsh city cement and screech of tires. He wished he'd experienced it under different circumstances. However, he needed to acknowledge the real reason he clung to nature's serenity, a world untouched.

See, the worst part about needing distractions was admitting there were other things he'd rather not be focusing on, and in this case, those things seemed to purely revolve around his boyfriend.

And well, that wasn't right in the slightest.

Tsukishima tore his eyes away from the water, weirdly calm about the prospect of canoeing for the first time. Normally, he might've researched the activity, too nervous to appear a complete novice in front of everyone, but he hadn't had the energy to even watch videos on the subject.

Looking up towards the lake shed, he caught a glimpse of unruly hair, and knew exactly why that was. Tsukishima glared at the marred, dirt mixed sand beneath his feet, having nothing else around to devote attention to. It was preferable to Yuuji's gloating, to the way he took over Tsukishima's meticulous packing in favor of reorganizing the entire bag.

Tsukishima felt no need to fight it, regardless of the deep seated frustration. Maybe it was his lack of sleep, or perhaps because he knew soon he'd never have to deal with it again.

It made his throat constrict painfully, and it triggered the guilt for about the fifth time that morning. He saw Yuuji sitting there against the canoe, tossing out contents of the pack and babbling about proper technique. He looked in his element, happy, and Tsukishima smiled no matter how tired he was.

But even still, it did absolutely nothing to his heart. He didn't think about how handsome Yuuji was sitting there in the sun, how nice it would be to lean against him and share the warmth. There was fondness sure, just not the kind he needed.

Tsukishima sighed, willing himself to not search for Kuroo's face up on the hill. The less he thought about Kuroo, the easier the last few days would be in terms of their charade. The raven made it hard of course, with his teasing grins and provoking words, none of which Tsukishima felt the desire to resist anymore.

_Idiots. Both of us._

But no, he could do this. Or, he truly hoped he could. Deep down, he felt raw about it, especially now, with Yuuji walking up to him, grabbing his hand.

Yet Tsukishima was determined to not let Yuuji down, even for such a short amount of time. It was easier said than done though, and he should've known better.

"You're spacing out on me," Yuuji said, tapping Tsukishima's frames. "Sure you're alright?"

The concern made Tsukishima hold back a flinch. He didn't really deserve that right now...

In Yuuji's mind, nothing was ever wrong, and Tsukishima needed to keep up that illusion. For some reason, the reminder only served to agitate him more than before though, and he couldn't place why.

It felt like a crack in his shield, his perfectly crafted shield of false contentedness.

"Mm, just really tired," Tsukishima said, squeezing his boyfriend's hand. It wasn't a full lie at the very least.

"Again?"

Another crack.

Yuuji shrugged, reaching up to smooth out the surely dark bags under Tsukishima's eyes. The soft gesture didn't match his words, Tsukishima  _couldn't_  make them fit. "I didn't realize it was such a problem before?"

_It was. I told you it was._

"It's been a problem since high school," he replied easily, a true accomplishment given the war in his chest. "I told you one our first few dates, when you stayed over..."

"Did you?" Yuuji asked, brow furrowing, and at least Tsukishima knew he was  _genuinely_  trying to remember. "I must've spaced. Either way, are you sure you're not having bad dreams or something?"

And before Tsukishima could respond, or explain that he never got even close to dreaming, Yuuji's arms were wrapped around his waist, pulling him close.

Tsukishima felt lips against his own before he fully registered what was happening, and he crushed down the instinct to pull away.

Yuuji's kisses were all enthusiasm, never for show or without some passion. For Yuuji, it was a reminder of affection, something he did constantly throughout the day to let Tsukishima know he was thinking of him, and Tsukishima never looked down on a single one.

They were important to his boyfriend, so he accepted them, reciprocated. Hell, he appreciated them too, they were the one symbol of Yuuji's care, his tenderness.

Yet, as time went on, Tsukishima couldn't help but find them more and more troubling.

He wound his arms around Yuuji's shoulders robotically, leaning into the kiss until he got the usual, happy sigh from his boyfriend. Despite how messed up this was, it warmed his heart a small fraction.

He'd managed to please Yuuji, if only for a moment, no matter how much he wished he'd done it some other way. Yuuji wasn't who he wanted to be kissing.

Closing his eyes to keep the turmoil hidden, Tsukishima breathed shakily into the kiss, wishing more than anything that he hadn't dragged Yuuji so far into this.

_I wish I could keep you happy, but I can't._

And truthfully, though he hated admitting it, Yuuji couldn't keep him happy either. Maybe that was why each kiss felt so wrong, because if every kiss meant Yuuji had been thinking of Tsukishima, if it meant Tsukishima had crossed his mind each time...why did he know so little about him?

Why were there so many gaps between them, so few sparks?

Because Yuuji didn't think about Tsukishima. Not really. But he tried, he had his moments, and his intentions were never bad.

It made the thought of their inevitable break-up more upsetting, more stress inducing.

Another crack.

Finally, they pulled apart, and Tsukishima did his best to keep his expression neutral in the face of Yuuji's blinding grin.

"I think you just need more of those," Yuuji said, confident as ever. "No more bad dreams."

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, ignoring the inaccuracy of the statement, and didn't bother trying to explain the reasons why that would never work. "Doubtful."

Yuuji pouted dramatically, and Tsukishima let his own smile grow, hoping it erased the conflicting emotions inside him.

Guilt. Resentment. Fondness. Regret.

How were those things supposed to exist harmoniously?

"Aw doll, you're so mean," Yuuji whined, and his refusal to let Tsukishima go made the suffocating emotions worse.  _Not enough space, not enough._

"I could cuddle you more instead," Yuuji continued, oblivious.

_But you always pull away, we never stay together._

And what a ridiculous expectation to even have. Tsukishima wanted to punch himself for thinking about it, for letting it cross his mind at all.

He expected too much, that was it...

The fourth crack.

Was that so wrong of him though? To expect things sometimes? Why did he feel so bad about going after what made him happy? About going after Kuroo, when he loved Kuroo in ways he couldn't yet comprehend?

_It's not my fault. But it's not Yuuji's fault...this whole thing..._

It was too much at once, the constant back and forth and contradiction.

All the while he stayed stiff in his boyfriend's arms, filtering his words, and that only added to his guilt.

Until a certain set of words stuck out, latching into his brain.

"Maybe I'll just surprise you again, that'll relax you," Yuuji said, laughing to himself, and Tsukishima's eyes widened.

Then it happened. He couldn't help it anymore, the lack of sleep, coupled with the frustration he felt...with Yuuji's  _blatant_  disregard for it...Tsukishima slipped. 

With barely concealed annoyance, he struggled out of Yuuji's arms.

"I think I'm all burnt out on your surprises," he muttered, and as soon as the words left his mouth, he wished to grab them, force them back in.

Of all the times to speak his mind...

Yuuji paused, his eyes wide from the shock as he processed the insinuation, and Tsukishima bit his lip, waiting for the fallout.  _Guess I really can't keep you happy, huh?_

"What's that supposed to mean?" Yuuji said with an awkward chuckle, the kind of laugh which told Tsukishima the disbelief hadn't fully left him.

"Just...please," Tsukishima tried, hoping to not let things escalate. This had already unleashed a whole new whirlwind of thoughts into his brain, making the cocktail of conflicting feelings so much worse. "No more surprises. I don't think I can take it after the last one."

But once things are out, they were out, no floodgates. He'd been trying to avoid this talk for a long time. So much for that.

Yuuji's face crumbled into equal parts hurt and annoyed, and Tsukishima didn't know which to focus on. They generated very different responses. The subtle rage boiling in his veins was foreign to him, but he wondered how long it had been simmering there, waiting.

How much did he need to get this off his chest?

Any hopes of Yuuji letting this go were dashed, so he'd find out. It made sense; Yuuji was never known for not hitting things head on.

His boyfriend crossed his arms, a choked, confused sound escaping his throat. "Care to tell me more? 'Cause it sounds to me like you regret being here."

Not wrong, but not correct either. What a mess of an assumption, because as confusing as the week had been, Tsukishima couldn't regret even a moment with Kuroo.

He felt like shit.

"That's not true, and you know it," Tsukishima scoffed, taking another step back. The sounds of waves were no longer calming. "It was just--"

He stopped himself from taking that final step into the deep end, weighing the pros and cons. But if there was one thing he could say about Yuuji, it was that he'd always been good at pushing.

"It was  _what_?"

" _Inconsiderate_ ," Tsukishima hissed out, and while he'd thought it'd make him feel  _horrible_ , it was like a weight he'd been unaware of had been lifted. After talking with Kuroo, things had been so much lighter, so much  _better_ , but there was still something nagging at him. Now he knew what it was. He pressed on, eager to get more of that relief. "You never told me I would be meeting your entire group of friends when you brought me up here! You said it was a small surprise, and guess what? It  _wasn't_."

When Yuuji had told him they'd be taking a trip, Tsukishima had expected the stereotypical romantic outing, not his first introduction to Yuuji's  _family,_ Kuroo included. It had been so sudden of a reveal, so damn nerve-wracking, he hadn't had a chance to prepare in the slightest. But did his boyfriend care...

"I don't see what the big deal is," Yuuji said, at a complete loss. It served to fuel Tsukishima's irritation. "My friends aren't assholes, I wasn't throwing you into an uncomfortable situation--"

"Yes you were! These people are so important to you, I can tell, and you just sprung them on me. We haven't even been dating that long," Tsukishima reasoned, partly talking to himself. Something like this was a big deal,  _should've_  been a big deal. "We were halfway through the drive when you finally came clean, I was...I was  _terrified_."

Tsukishima forced out the word like it was rotten. It was an insult to his pride, but it needed to be said. His anxiety had truly climbed to new heights on the way to the lake house. Who labeled something like that a 'small surprise?'

Then seeing Kuroo there in the living room on top of it, looking so confused...

They'd had to go through so much unnecessary shit just because Tsukishima was brought here, and no matter what good it ended up doing in the long run, maybe Tsukishima had always resented Yuuji for this.

He knew Tsukishima hated things like this, hated being caught off guard. Yet he'd ignored that, he hadn't cared at all.

"I mean I figured you'd be a little nervous, but then you got all grumpy and silent for the rest of the car ride and--"

"I was frustrated,  _and_  overwhelmed," Tsukishima said, because apparently it  _needed_  to be said.

"Well, you didn't  _have_  to be, you're always worked up over the weirdest stuff for no reason," Yuuji complained, and at least Tsukishima was resigned to their fate, since otherwise the words would've stung hard.

"I don't like when I don't know what's going on, you can't do that to me." Tsukishima didn't mean to be this way, to get so in his head about things, turning them over and imagining the worst case scenarios. He didn't do it as much anymore, he'd gotten so much better at it. But every now and again the nerves came back, and he had to be careful. He'd asked Yuuji to be careful with him too, but that hadn't helped.

"Excuse me for trying to be fun," Yuuji replied, chuckling humorlessly as he kicked at the dirt. "I just, I don't know anymore. You've been so distant the past few weeks too, I don't know how to reach you when you're like this, and I thought the trip would be good for us."

_Distant_.

The one word chilled Tsukishima's entire body, the shame seeping back in. He knew why that was, and it wasn't fair to either of them.

He felt like he'd aged back in time seven years, to his old high school brooding days, cold and isolated. He didn't want to be thought of as that again, and here he was. What a mess.

Maybe he hadn't come that far after all.

But Tsukishima didn't know how to handle this. He wanted to keep Yuuji happy before the breakup, but he was angry with him, hated how he never seemed to concern himself with what Tsukishima needed him to. He blamed him, yet he didn't. He admired him, and then the next moment he noticed every shortcoming. Tsukishima knew he was in the right, but it felt  _wrong_ , so twisted and restless. It was exhausting, every second of it.

The only thing he could say for certain was he didn't love Yuuji, not in the way he should've. They should've never been together, but that was all on Tsukishima.

"I don't mean to be," Tsukishima whispered, and his voice must've trembled, because Yuuji's expression softened. "I didn't want you to feel..."

_I didn't want you to feel unloved._

Tsukishima wished he could trade places with Yuuji, so he didn't have to suffer for Tsukishima's mistakes.

He didn't get a chance to say that though, probably never would.

"Kei..." Yuuji stepped forward, reaching out in the way he always did, wanting to rectify even if he didn't know the problem. One of his many good qualities, another Tsukishima didn't deserve or want.

"Um..."

Immediately, they both turned to the new voice, only to meet a very confused and uncomfortable looking Kyoutani. "We're probably gonna start soon, just letting you know..."

The way he said it made it clear he knew he'd interrupted a fight, and Tsukishima only hoped he hadn't actually heard anything. He knew groups of friends were just big gossip pools, and for Kuroo's sake, he did not need this getting around.

"Uh, yeah," Yuuji replied, eager to shoo the other away. Again, Tsukishima wanted to kick himself. Now he was embarrassing Yuuji in front of his friends. Awesome, he was doing so great. "We'll be ready."

"Yup," Kyoutani muttered, rushing away before Yuuji even finished his reply.

_Ugh_.

With the fight cut short, the silence of nature returned, but far less calming than before. They stood there, childishly kicking at the sand, avoiding each other's eyes. Tsukishima let the words sit in his mind, giving him a migraine in the back of his head.

He was already butchering Kuroo's plan, but worse than that, he'd hurt Yuuji more than intended. If he'd only kept this bottled up a few more days, he would've made it.

It couldn't stay this way.

Luckily, he was getting quite familiar with apologizing. He needed to.

"I'm sorry, he whispered, grabbing Yuuji's hand, and the gesture was genuine. He was apologizing for more than just the fight, and he squeezed harder.

"No, I'm sorry," Yuuji answered instantly, like Tsukishima knew he would. It might've been an unhelpful, shallow apology, but Yuuji meant it. "I know you're tired and it's a lot and--"

"No," Tsukishima said, shaking his head. He had no desire to hear Yuuji blame things which didn't matter. It would only frustrate him more, and he was drained enough. "Let's just have fun today yeah?"

Fun. That never failed to get Yuuji's attention. Tsukishima wondered if it was his favorite word, the way the prospect of it lit up his face.

And naturally, it worked.

Forgetting the pain and tension still settled in the air, Yuuji smiled, fully on board with such a plan as he led Tsukishima towards the rest of the group. Tsukishima tried not to sigh, and he turned his head towards the water again, wishing his thoughts could drown in the water.

\--

They'd all gathered in a circle to explain the rules, most of which would surely be broken.

Simple stuff. No splashing, no trying to push each other off, and last one there was in charge of paying for the night's alcohol.

Standard.

Kuroo hardly focused, not when Tsukishima strolled up, hand in Terushima's. The blond's expression made Kuroo hyper aware, the stress all too noticeable to him. He wanted to make a straight shot for him, ask what was wrong, but before he could Terushima was speaking up, directly at him.

His cousin let go of Tsukishima's hand as Yahaba and Shirabu got into a debate about the finish line, waltzing over to Kuroo to whisper in his ear.

"Hey Kuroo, I know you were supposed to go with Yachi today, but mind if she goes with Kei? I want to talk to you about something," he said, and Kuroo tried not to stiffen up. Terushima's voice was far colder than usual, too serious for someone with such a carefree attitude.

It sent Kuroo's alarms off, and he snuck a glance at Tsukishima, waiting for a sign that something was amiss, or that they'd been found out.

But the blond had checked out, his pretty eyes fixed forlornly on the sand at his feet.

Kuroo sighed, and in his head, he reminded himself to check on him later.

For now...well, he'd see what problems awaited him.

With his smile cranked up to the max, Kuroo nodded, facing his cousin. "Sounds like a plan."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading everyone! Comments are always appreciated, and feel free to scream at me on tumblr/twitter ^^ 
> 
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	10. lost at sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I'm finally here, sorry for the extra long wait y'all! I've been writing essays for school for the past like....3 weeks, and they ate up all my time. On top of that though, I finally managed to finish this chapter and then I spilled cough medicine all over my laptop (don't ask), so I've had to wait for repairs orz. *sigh* I'm here now though, and I hope you all enjoy this small update <3 
> 
> Thanks to [EmeraldWaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldWaves/pseuds/EmeraldWaves) for reading this over!

When they were kids, Terushima had a habit of bringing up difficult conversations at the worst of times. In his defense, a lot of kids had that issue.

Private, personal matters would be revealed almost against his will, spewed from his mouth like pure truth serum flowed through his veins. Sometimes it was funny, other times embarrassing. Dinners, birthday parties, wherever. Something about 'my mom said this' or 'you did this' would trigger awkward silences and hushed scoldings. It also got them quite a few smacks on the hands, and no, not the light kind. Kuroo was fairly sure Terushima single-handedly made his parents avoid their neighbors like the plague due to one too many botched barbecues, but it hadn't mattered. In the end, he was their precious boy and kids would be kids.

Now it was something the group simply teased him about, the memories making Terushima cringe on the spot. Always good retaliation.

But at the end of the day, that was how Kuroo saw Terushima. Bold, loud, genuine. Good traits, admirable ones, but ones which doubled as potential problems all the same. Terushima had been an emotional child, and in a lot of ways, he was an emotional adult. His face never failed to give away what he was feeling, and usually he'd start talking about those feelings before anyone even got the chance to ask, no matter the circumstances.

So naturally, Kuroo had been freaked out, expecting his cousin to blow up. Understandably so.

The only thing which seemed to cross Kuroo's mind was he'd been found out, Terushima had figured  _everything_  out and now things would quickly fall apart. Kuroo wouldn't get to do things right by anyone, not his family, not Tsukishima, not himself.

The dread which had settled in his stomach made the departure from shore more nauseating than usual, and he tuned out everyone's shouts, the rules of the race, etc.

What did they matter? Nothing would be so joyful ever again as soon as they docked on the other side. Those were his overwhelming worries, the barely masked pain as he watched Tsukishima's canoe float off into the distance, wishing he'd smiled at him one last time so he could make it through the rest of the day.

But now...now Kuroo sat, subdued, his emotions running wild for entirely different reasons.

Seeing Terushima like this, sitting silently across from him in their wobbly canoe on the murky water, had something in Kuroo's mind trembling. The blond stared at the water to his right, brow furrowed, obviously figuring out what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. Thoughtfulness, reflection. He was taking his time, trying to juggle his emotions without letting them completely overcome him. Kuroo briefly wondered if it had something to do with Tsukishima, but no, it couldn't have been, not entirely. This change...it must've been something his cousin had been practicing long before.

And in that instant, while Terushima took a deep breath and bit his lip, Kuroo knew his secrets were still safe. This had to do with something else, and his curiosity matched his thankfulness. And at the same time, Kuroo couldn't stop from scolding himself, a feeling of fondness taking over. Terushima had so much more to him these days, and while that child-like joy and impulsiveness remained, they were far from obnoxious.

Kuroo breathed a sigh of relief as Yahaba's laughter echoed across the lake, and he was pretty sure he'd heard a splash somewhere, but he'd get those details later on. For now, he didn't mind sitting with his cousin, waiting for him to empty the burden off his shoulders. And honestly, Kuroo had no issue taking on some of it, no matter how much of his own he carried.

Despite all his issues and all his solid traits, Kuroo's cousin had grown and changed, and Kuroo had somehow missed some of it. It made him smile, regardless of their situation. All this time he'd been so worried about how Terushima would handle this whole break-up and the aftermath, and truthfully, he still was quite terrified. It wouldn't be easy for anyone, and thinking it would be was just wishful and childish. But, his cousin had the strength and the smarts to survive anything, and to learn from it, and the thought made Kuroo prepared to deal with whatever this conversation would entail.

Good thing too, because Terushima's head finally rose, eyes burning with a determination Kuroo admired above all else.

Although the question didn't exactly match Kuroo's expectations...

Did Terushima ever?

"Kuroo," he began, tone grave, like he was about to ask Kuroo if he'd ever murdered someone in cold blood. That probably would've been a better question. "Have you ever been in love?"

If Kuroo had the luxury of choking, he most certainly would've been a coughing mess right then.

He let the noise die off into a wheeze instead, keeping it trapped in his throat, and thank  _god_  Terushima didn't comment on it.

Shit. What a question.

Terushima waited, his brow scrunching up as Kuroo laughed, breathless and adoring.

There was just a singular, thunderous answer to such a question after all:  _yes_. Irrevocably, absolutely, yes. Kuroo couldn't help it. He told the truth.

"Yeah," he whispered, and his voice seemed to fit perfectly with the nearby trickle of water off the rocks. Tsukishima's face crossed his mind in a flash, those piercing eyes and soft gazes more refreshing than the lake's air. So, so much in love.

It was a dangerous subject to be on, but Kuroo wasn't taking too many risks here. He could hear Semi's words repeating over and over in his head.

_Be careful._

Terushima blinked, taken aback, because uh yeah. Kuroo's dating record had been pretty damn bad and he'd only ever brought one person home to meet the family, mostly out of pressure, and they'd all hated him so there was that.

It didn't shock Kuroo to see pure surprise cross his cousin's face. "Wh-what? You have a boyfriend? Since when? Why--"

"No, I don't have a boyfriend," Kuroo said, and again, not a lie. Terushima's innocence was touching though. Of course the logical conclusion to Kuroo being in love would be that Kuroo was  _with_  someone. If only things were that effortless. But rather than have Terushima turn the conversation on its head and demand answers, Kuroo raised his hand, cutting off the very obvious incoming tirade before it had a chance of leaving his cousin's mouth. "It's complicated. This isn't about me though, right?"

_I pray it's not._

With concern clear and genuine on his face, Kuroo leaned in, as if they were surrounded and wanted to make sure no words left the sanctity of their small canoe. "What's wrong Teru?"

And he meant it, he cared. It wasn't just his poor attempt at deflecting from his own secrets. Secrets, not shame, because loving Tsukishima was something he was rather proud of no matter what it came with.

Terushima's shoulders sagged, tired, his expression torn between embarrassed and searching. "What...does it feel like? In your experience?"

Ah, there it was.

It was a question Kuroo has somewhat been dying to answer. For the past few days, the past month, the answer had screamed and rattled the cage around his heart, begging to be let out and proclaimed before the entire world. He'd had coping daydreams about this, about telling everyone he loved Tsukishima, and why and how, and everything else.

The raw passion and emotion behind it, how he'd do anything for Tsukishima because he trusted him and  _knew_  Tsukishima would do the same. The way he wanted to share everything with him, and to be depended on in return. The knowledge that even if things were hard or got tough, they'd never sacrifice their relationship. The desire to handle every part of life together, was an explanation of his love which he'd been dying to communicate in some way.

At the very mention of it, that cage lock broke, or maybe it had already been broken, ever since he'd felt Tsukishima lean against his shoulder in the quiet of his bedroom.

However, when Kuroo opened his mouth, the words did not come. "Well it's--"

Nothing.

They faded in his throat, and he shook his head, laughing as he tried again. Surely, he was nervous. A fluke, that's all. "It's...you know..."

As if to emphasize his scholarly point, he made wide, sweeping gestures with his arms. Like that could somehow encompass all his emotions…

Again, he tried.

"And it's like..."

And again.

"And it takes over, it--"

Again.

"Well no, all you can think about is the other person, because--"

Because. Because. It's like this. Like that. No this.

Kuroo glared out at the water.

None of it was coming together, none of it carried the sentiment he wanted. It made Kuroo weirdly angry to fumble like this, to watch Terushima's face twist with confusion, maybe even doubt what Kuroo was saying.

Why was this so hard all of a sudden? His love had been echoing inside him this entire trip and still he couldn't call it forward. He knew it was real. There was never a doubt about that, and this couldn't have been proof he'd been wrong. Not even close. What he felt for Tsukishima....the all-consuming, incomparable, inexplicable feeling had to be--

Oh.

This time, the choked sound  _did_  escape Kuroo, and Terushima squinted, concerned. "Uh, Tetsu? Something wrong?"

No, more like the opposite, but he didn't want to give that away. Instead he shook his head, still not over the realization he'd made. In simplest terms, words would never come close to this feeling, and from how badly he'd experienced it in his soul, he should've known that.

Not only would they never come close to conveying the devotion, words frankly didn't have enough room in his mind.

Not when every part of him echoed the same name, and only that name. Tsukishima. Tsukishima. Tsukishima.

It would never be enough. And maybe that was the best proof of his love overall. He looked up, expression calm as he tried not to look as dreamy as he felt.

"I can't...explain it," Kuroo whispered, disbelieving and to himself. "I just know it makes me feel like I could and would do anything for that person. I want to support them and be with them forever. I see them everywhere I go. I hear their voice when I'm upset, and they're the first person I want to talk to when I wake up. I don't know. It's that but it's not, and it's more but it's...not anything I can say."

In more ways than one.

"But I think," he continued, his breathing shaky as he looked down to his hands. How nice to would be, to finally wrap them around Tsukishima's. "You'd have to know it, if you felt it."

Eventually anyways.

Kuroo looked up again, content, before he remembered the situation he was in. Terushima stared at him, bug-eyed and frozen. The look would've made Kuroo die with laughter normally, but right then it just made him feel like a bug under a microscope, vulnerable and transparent.

Shit.

Maybe he'd said to much, like he always did. He'd even been trying to keep it concise. He seriously was a sap, wasn't he?

Terushima's body slumped back. "Oh, that's--wow."

Kuroo wanted to drown, but that would've been too extra probably. Maybe Tsukishima would laugh at the thought later, when Kuroo told him.

For now, Terushima's perplexed and troubled face had to be his first priority though.

"W-where is this coming from anyways?" Kuroo said with a cough, and he wanted his words to be forgotten so bad he asked the worst possible question he could've thought of. Still, he had to know. "Do you think you love Tsukishima?"

That would make sense. It wasn't something Terushima had ever experienced, a first love, an all powerful feeling which made someone feel sick but unstoppable all at the same time. Terushima probably needed someone like Kuroo to explain the feeling or at least give him a sense of it, in order to confirm his own.

Kuroo disliked it more than he was comfortable admitting. He hated that pity he felt, alongside that contradictory surge of possessiveness. Unbearable, unthinkable.

He expected Terushima to sigh or smile, to sheepishly admit _yes_ , that was exactly what it was and he had to be sure.

But...he didn't.

To Kuroo's shock, his cousin sighed, slouching further as he rubbed the back of his neck. He avoided eye contact and no answer came for quite some time, ad answer which should've come instantaneously in Kuroo's personal opinion.

It wasn't particularly how one  _should_  look when they were in love.

But perhaps Kuroo was being unfair, he  _did_  have his biases. So, he pushed the instinctual anger away, because he wanted to hear what Terushima had to offer as explanation. Kuroo owed him that.

"Well, I'm not sure about all that I just...." Terushima began, dragging a hand across his face. It looked kind of painful, like the other was punishing himself.

It made Kuroo feel terrible, but nevertheless, the confirmation made his heart sigh in relief.

Terushima exhaled heavily, giving a hopeless shrug. "I feel like we're not connecting? If that's the right word. Something's wrong, something's been wrong since the beginning I just can't ever figure it out."

In the back of Kuroo's head, Tsukishima's voice chimed in.  _"I always convinced myself Yuuji listened to me and paid attention to the things that counted. Now though, I think that was me pretending."_

Kuroo swallowed thickly. "Oh? So...w-what does that mean?"

He cursed his stutter, and cursed his wishful thinking more so. If Terushima broke up with Tsukishima instead...

Terushima's words shattered that illusion. "I was going to ask if you had any advice on trying to fix it. I thought about date ideas, but they all seem more like things I would like...which I think is kind of the problem."

Once more, Kuroo felt oddly proud of his cousin for his awareness. It might've been a little late in its arrival, but it was there nonetheless. How on earth was Kuroo supposed to fix things though? That would go against his feelings, and wouldn't be fair to Terushima at all. There was no way he could be neutral on this.

"Teru, I don't know," he began, trying to figure out an excuse which actually made fucking sense. "Are you sure you're not just...pushing too hard?"

_Because you tend to._

Persistence. Another one of Terushima's greatest but most troublesome traits. He never gave up, never wanted to admit defeat. Working things out was always his principal, having fun with things along the way...

This was not something such a philosophy could be applied to.

Terushima's head jerked up at that, his mouth opening to defend himself in the normal, impulsive fashion Kuroo was used to. But the anger died in his mouth too it seemed, because in the next moment Terushima was sighing, shaking his head.

"I'm not sure, Tetsu. Kei is special to me, but I don't know. It's weird. I'm not sure we're getting anywhere these days. I try to bridge the gap but it's like...ok it's gonna sound dumb but whenever I build the bridge it just falls apart from both sides. Like the bridge looks fine but it's obviously made of shitty materials and--"

"Teru..."

Terushima powered on, gesturing grandly, but the comicalness fell short on account of Kuroo's heartbeat ringing in his ears.

"And it feels  _fake_. It doesn't work, and it's not like he's not trying! I know he tells me things and I forget, and that's my fault yeah but--o-or he shows he likes me in other ways...but I don't like it? I need...I need--"

_Someone else._

"Loud?" Kuroo offered, not exactly an ample explanation but one Terushima understood all the same. Loud as in extroverted, affectionate, outgoing.

Kuroo thought of Tsukishima, quiet Tsukishima, who ate too many sweets and knew way too much about movies, dinosaurs, and random urban legends. Tsukishima, who preferred to stay at home, but even more so if someone was there to share the silence with him. This was the blond who remembered every detail Kuroo had shared with him, who left notes in book pages and recommended stories he thought Kuroo would like. The one who'd read all of Kuroo's dumb science articles and let Kuroo ramble on and on about things he didn't even understand.

Because yeah, Tsukishima painted a clear picture of an introvert, but while his affection seemed subtler than most, it bellowed loud and clear for Kuroo. Tsukishima stepped out of his comfort zone for him, but Kuroo always ended up making it up to him. They formed a new space all their own, and hearing the three basic words describe Kuroo's beloved was almost torturous.

It made things make sense though, and he knew what he had to eventually say. It was all a matter of if Terushima would listen.

"Yes!" His cousin sighed, and Kuroo smiled fondly. It was a weird response to what was a dreadful realization, but for some reason, it made him feel better. Both Terushima and Tsukishima deserved so much better, and when Terushima found that special someone, they'd be spoiled no doubt.

For now though, Kuroo had to endure this mess.

"The things he does, the way he is...I look up to him you know?" Terushima explained, and Kuroo could only nod, because yeah...definitely not the words he'd use. Of course, he admired Tsukishima too, but that wasn't  _all_  there was to it. "And he's a lot of fun to be around, but I've felt the same way about other friends, minus the sex part...the physical attraction isn't a problem obviously."

And wow, Kuroo really did not need to hear that, but okay. He did his best to not tighten his hands into fists.

_Tsukishima didn't know you back then, it's fine, everything is fine._

Even if he had, Kuroo wasn't his boyfriend, the rational part of him knew this. Still, the jealousy was beyond gross.

Yet, sex and admiration. Still not enough. Terushima and Tsukishima were close, he knew that. They spent time together, had made good memories, it wasn't so black and white to say there was no emotional attachment. If there wasn't, Kuroo wouldn't love Tsukishima as much as he did.

Tsukishima obviously cared about Terushima more than any past boyfriend ever had, and it meant a lot to everyone in their group.

"But?" Kuroo asked, because he had to. He had to stop feeling so guilty for a relationship which did not work.

Terushima groaned again, letting the hard truth spill out reluctantly. "But that's the only part which ever feels clear, and it bugs me. I feel like I'm doing something wrong..."

_No, we all did something wrong. This isn't your fault either._

Kuroo would make up for that though, he'd help his cousin sort this out no matter how hard.

"Well, you said you've been trying to do things _you_  like together, what about what Tsukishima likes?" Kuroo tried, since it seemed logical enough.

The blankness on his cousin's face spoke volumes. Whoops.

"Do you...not...know what he likes?" Kuroo asked, trying not to wince. Terushima did it for him, and after that it was unavoidable.

"Look I know that sounds terrible...but...but-- _ugh_ , I don't really have an excuse," Terushima said with a long sigh, and he looked genuinely apologetic. Reaching forward, Kuroo patted his leg in support. It had to get worse before it got better. "I'm a bad boyfriend."

Ah, but out of everything which had been said all week, that was the biggest lie. Kuroo straightened, determined to cast it away.

"No you're not, you just get too caught up in things sometimes. Yeah you should've maybe been more observant but the point is you're trying to get better now."  _Like you always do, you do more than you know._

And best of all, Kuroo knew Tsukishima appreciated it. Out of all the relationship issues, Tsukishima knew Terushima's worth deep down. No break-up would change that.

"Still, what kind of boyfriend is this much of a dick," Terushima mumbled, slowly slipping into one of his good ol' sad sessions from high school. Oh no, there would be no heavy metal blasting through the cabin tonight on Kuroo's watch.

"Hey, Yuuji," Kuroo said softly, and he smiled at the way Terushima perked up at the use of his first name. It wasn't uncommon, they were family, but it was rarer and caring, a mood which Terushima had no problem picking up on. Good, because he needed to hear this. "Bad boyfriends don't think about improving, they just stay the way they are and don't care. You care about Tsukishima, don't you?"

And finally, an instant answer. "Yes."

Kuroo grinned, happy he'd accepted Terushima's invite.

"That being said," Kuroo continued, sighing. There were things which needed to be addressed, regardless of how badly he wanted to keep this good feeling in his chest. "I really don't think you should force things to work if they're not."

And that wasn't his bias talking, it was 100% the mini marriage counselor living in his brain.

"What do you mean?" Terushima asked, tilting his head.

_Alright. Here we go._

"Even though...even though you guys get along, and you really like him, that doesn't  _mean_  you're good for each other," he expelled the statements with a single breath, rushing each syllable before he grew too afraid to say anything at all. "I know the thought of breaking up might be hard but, it's something you have to think about man. For your sake, and Tsukishima's."

He let the words sit, looking out across the water. They hadn't rowed at all since they'd reached the middle of the lake, but considering he'd heard no cheers from the shore yet, he figured everyone else must've been messing around with their own conversations.

Hopefully more lighthearted than this one.

Kuroo glanced at Terushima, finding his cousin staring at him in suspicion. The chill ran down his spine, he couldn't help it, but naturally he worried over nothing.

"Kuroo, when did you become the romance master?" Terushima asked, and Kuroo snorted. Ha. What a joke.

"One day, I'll tell you," he said, not bothering to argue with the statement. One day, he really would, or he hoped he would. He hoped and prayed things would turn out _that_ well.

Picking at the splintering wood at the edge of their canoe, Terushima spoke, knowing he was far from off the hook. "I'm just worried this is my last chance."

It wasn't what Kuroo anticipated, but it shook him all the same.

"I'm getting older you know?" Terushima tried to laugh it off, but even Kuroo saw the genuine sadness laced beneath the words. But what ridiculous words they were.

"Teru, you're twenty-six," Kuroo said with a breathless laugh. This boy... "That's not old by any means. Call me back when you're eighty and can't get off the bathroom floor."

It got a real laugh out of Terushima, so Kuroo considered it a success. He was being truthful too, Terushima had plenty of time to fall and love and meet other people. All hope wasn't suddenly lost at some magical age, and Kuroo wouldn't let his cousin believe anything less.

It was then Kuroo realized he was talking to himself too. How stupid he'd been, worrying over something as dumb as age back before he'd met Tsukishima. Yeah, waiting sucked, but in time, they found people who understood them, romantic or otherwise. 

It made Kuroo feel like his views had changed too, and in so little time. His cousin still didn't deserve all the things which had happened and would happen soon between him and Tsukishima, but now at least Kuroo could do what he could to help until then. The confidence he'd misplaced, the insecurity...it remained in bits, but faded more with each passing day.

Soon Terushima's laughter died down, and he shrugged playfully. "I guess, but...I can't help but cling a little, you know? What if I never find someone as cool as him?"

Kuroo snorted. Tsukishima was cool, but he was also a giant fucking nerd. He couldn't wait to tell him so.

"Tsukishima is pretty cool--"

"Hey, don't get any ideas," Terushima joked, and for a second, reality was back, reminding Kuroo of the total disaster going on behind the scenes.  _Ha. Haha._

Kuroo's next laugh was so pained and artificial it could've very well been a dying man's last breath. "Ah, of course not. Psh, me? Yeah right."

_Oof_. He needed to get better with his acting.

"But honestly Yuuji, you've been telling me this whole time about how you're not connecting. Sure he's great, but that doesn't mean he's the best for you," Kuroo said, knowing his honestly wouldn't be taken the wrong way now.

Although, he had to say, Tsukishima  _was_  the best. His biases might've had something to do with that, but whatever.

At the thought of his future boyfriend, Kuroo plowed forward, pouring his soul into his advice with all the hope that Terushima would follow it. "What if you find someone who's everything you need? Don't you want to be free to chase after them?"

_So you don't get stuck in a situation like mine._

Kuroo wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Terushima looked down at his feet, brow furrowed, and while it was tough to digest, Kuroo knew he was getting through. "I'm not trying to pressure you man, you should do whatever you think is best. I'm just saying, don't force it, alright?"

It was the most he could say without totally exposing himself, and really he couldn't think of more to say. It was all in Terushima's hands now, and if he waited, then Tsukishima would end things himself.

It hurt Kuroo's heart, but he knew he was right. Semi was right. Shirabu too, the brat. Everyone wanted what was best, and what was best...

"Yeah, I hear you," Terushima whispered, expression dull. Then his eyes flashed with a small spark, the kind he got when he was at his wit's end, and had one last trick up his sleeve. "Still, I want to try. I want to try one last time, to see. If not, if it doesn't work...I'll end it."

Kuroo held his breath a few seconds too long before he finally exhaled, letting the revelation sit on his shoulders on top of all the other pointless, avoidable things which had come out of this long week. Those words hadn't been what he wanted to hear, but they were better than nothing. He didn't have a choice but to support Terushima's decision and act like he hoped for the best, when in reality, he knew how it all would turn out.

It wouldn't work, and Kuroo wasn't worried it would. He knew Tsukishima and his feelings like they were his own, saw them in his eyes whenever they caught each other's gazes. The road to finally being with him sucked, and this was simply another painful obstacle. But they'd go through with it, they'd have to.

Kuroo biggest concern now was trying to act like he  _wasn't_  the world's biggest Tsukishima expert. "Well...I have a few ideas in that case, for dates I mean. Just....you know, based on stuff Tsukishima and I have talked about. In passing."

_Not in quiet library rows without your knowledge._

"Oh? Let's hear 'em!" Terushima's mood was a formidable thing as it had always been, and he shot up, ready to do what he needed to do. Kuroo couldn't process how that made him feel without tearing up, so he didn't, he just started listing all the things he knew Tsukishima wouldn't mind as a perfect last date. 

Tsukishima and Terushima both deserved it.

"Well first, maybe take him somewhere private, not crowded...."

Terushima hung on every word, the cogs of his mind moving, and Kuroo loved him, appreciated how badly he wanted to please Tsukishima.

As Kuroo spoke, he looked away, and seeing the shoreline made him realize where they were and what they were supposed to be doing. Oh yeah. If the contest agreement had been loser cooks dinner, they surely were screwed. In the distance, he could see Yahaba and Kyoutani reach the shore first, a chorus of cheers carrying across the water. Behind was most likely a very angry Oikawa, and the others were sure to follow soon enough.

Next time, when things were less complicated, he'd enjoy his time with all of them a lot more. And yes, he'd kick all their asses in any race.

For now, he wanted to join them and spend the rest of the night happily, not thinking of what was to come. Or...maybe he would do that, except with the things he actually looked forward to.

Honey brown eyes, small smirks...

Tsukishima.

The urge to be back on land grew a hundred times larger at the one thought.

As if reading his mind, Terushima picked up a paddle along with Kuroo, beginning their slow departure back to land and their reality, where Kuroo could see the ends and beginnings of many things just on the horizon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! (also *cough* it's happy belated birthday to me so...)
> 
> Anyways, this chapter is shorter because I wrote too much for last chapter and had to do some cutting (basically this scene was supposed to happen last time but obviously that chapter would've been way too long if so lol), but the stuff that happens after this is....it's a lot. So it'll have to have its own giant chapter. Essentially, I don't know how to control my own word count but stay tuned for lots more ;) 
> 
> [Playlist for the fic](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzpwgdyDGaO8yRC7oPW_18rlwtwr64u2p)  
>  [Tumblr](http://its-love-u-asshole.tumblr.com/)  
>  [Twitter](https://twitter.com/itsloveuasshole)


	11. anywhere but here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with a longer chapter as promised! This one was very hard for...reasons that will become obvious lmao (I'm not good at writing the tough conversations, shh). I'm really happy I managed to power through this though, it's a super important chapter imo ;) I hope you enjoy! Thanks to [EmeraldWaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldWaves/pseuds/EmeraldWaves) for reading this over!

Tsukishima hadn't realized how rare alone time was at the lake until he found himself wandering about the house.

Sounds rang out from each direction, footsteps up above, muffled voices from the television room. He stayed in the kitchen.

The weird presence of too many options gnawed at him. Where should he go? What should he do? Kuroo would've poked the middle of his forehead for frowning this much, like he did when Tsukishima began fretting about which books were worthy of which display case at the library.

Tsukishima huffed to himself, and he heard Semi laugh from the other room. Right. He should go, and yet his feet stayed put on the refurbished tile.

Normally he'd have Yuuji by his side, showing him around and directing all their activities and conversations. Tsukishima consented to being led around and controlled in that sense, he'd never been one for initiating things with people he didn't know. It wasn't that Tsukishima hadn't spoken to  _anyone_  other than his boyfriend, but he'd never gotten the opportunity to socialize on his own.

He leaned against one of the kitchen counters, thankful for the breathing room. He certainly needed it, had forgotten what quiet was like.

It was...strange, but not unwelcome, but he hadn't exactly had a choice. When they'd all returned from their canoe trip, hungry and in need of a lazy afternoon, Yuuji had whisked Kuroo off somewhere to continue their talk. Tsukishima had been too busy helping Yachi prepare lunch to see what that was about, and now no one could tell him where they'd gone off too.

_Great_.

Tsukishima's hands gripped the counter a little harshly, and he busied himself with rearranging the dishes in the sink.

He'd almost forgotten this too, their situation. Relaxing was impossible.

He missed Kuroo. At least then, someone could understand.

Tsukishima tried to not think about it as the water ran through his fingers, washing over already rinsed dishes.

_Kuroo_.

Kuroo wouldn't keep things from him. The raven hadn't given him any indication they'd been found out, or that something was wrong, but...

Kuroo wasn't the most subtle person out there and neither of them had the best luck. The idea that Yuuji needed to talk to him, and hadn't told Tsukishima about it...

The pasta strainer clanged against the granite, and Tsukishima shut off the water in less than an instant.

Nope. Not thinking about it.

Tsukishima sighed, pressing his head to the cold surface of the fridge. He was by the door now.

He couldn't help but laugh; nervous or not, he'd gradually worked himself up to inching further and further towards civilization. No where else to go now, unless he wanted to lean against the kitchen door for a few hours. He just might.

But before he could resign himself to hours at the post, the door swung open, and Tsukishima stupidly grappled with the fridge, pulling it open and grabbing whatever he could find.

Orange juice.

With pulp.

_I hate pulp. Fuck._

Semi looked surprised to see him there, like Tsukishima couldn't possibly exist on his own, and the thought made him smile even as he poured his glass of fresh disgrace.

"Oh, hey Tsukishima," Semi said, his shock quickly dissolving into something friendly, with maybe the barest hint of mischief laced beneath. Tsukishima found it odd but, hey, this was Kuroo's cousin. Yuuji's too. Oh man, it was genetic.

Maybe Semi was more deadly than he'd given credit for.

"Lonely?" Semi asked, and yeah, definitely deadlier. Tsukishima looked at him suspiciously as he put the jug back into the fridge. Semi's smile never faltered, that challenging competitiveness of an athlete shining through. The question was framed innocently enough, but Tsukishima wasn't an idiot. The automatic assumption would be for him to say yes, because Yuuji was gone.

But.

This was Shirabu's husband; neither of them seemed particularly dense. And well, according to Kuroo, they were 'gossipy bitches' and that told Tsukishima all he needed to know.

"They aren't back yet?" Tsukishima asked instead, and Semi's smile grew. Clear avoidance on Tsukishima's part, but it made gauging Semi's knowledge easier, and well...

Now he knew for sure.

That smug little smile was enough.

"Nope, but don't worry," Semi said, grabbing Tsukishima's unfinished glass right from his hands. "Teru looked pretty happy when they came back, excited even. I doubt anything happened."

Tsukishima couldn't fight it, he sighed in relief, and it must've been another point earner because Semi looked pretty pleased about it.

Tsukishima didn't know whether to like him or hate him, but he figured that sensation alone made Semi genuine. Tsukishima didn't understand what the look was for though. Wasn't he technically ruining their family? He'd come in here, created an invisible divide which would soon be not-so invisible, and then...then...

"Ah, sorry if this is weird," Semi said, laughing as he rubbed the back of his head. Tsukishima's eyes snapped up at the movement, the confusion cancelling out all his overwrought musings. "But I wanted to say thank you."

Out of all the things Tsukishima expected him to say, ‘thank you’ was not one of them. Maybe a serious discussion about consequences, or Kuroo, or  _something_ , but not...this.

_....what?_

Tsukishima didn't even have enough brain power to stutter out a full response, much less act like he knew what was happening. "Uh--"

"For caring about him so much I mean, for...waiting," Semi said, coughing. And ah, now Tsukishima saw it, the nerdiness and protectiveness which Kuroo spoke of. "I'm glad Yuuji got to date someone like you, someone who cares enough to--"

"To lie and hide?" Tsukishima's own guilt slipped through, as much as he'd come to terms with his decision, things would always be hard.

"For doing what's best for him," Semi corrected him, the firmness actually settling in Tsukishima's bones like weights. It was praise he'd never give himself, comfort he'd never allowed himself to have. So, it was only natural someone else provide it. "And...for Kuroo too."

Tsukishima knew it was ridiculous, but his eyes lit up. Just from a name. So embarrassing. He brought his arms around himself, hugging tight. Otherwise, it felt like all the emotion might spill out for all to see.

Maybe he shouldn't have cared so much about showing such vulnerability, when it was clear Semi already knew.

_Ah, damn._

"I wouldn't say that just yet," Tsukishima whispered, almost laughing as he did his best to smile at the floor. "I owe Kuroo a lot more than this."

And he planned to give back in full, very soon, and for however long after.

_Forever_ , his traitorous brain whispered, still too hopeful for his tastes. But the content didn't fade away as Semi laughed, expression about as soft as Tsukishima felt.

"Well, time won't pass any faster with you in here," Semi said, patting Tsukishima's shoulder cautiously. When Tsukishima didn't tense, he set it down again, firm and certain. Accepting.

_One down_ , Tsukishima joked.

"Want to come play a board game with us? Shirabu and I need a third player," Semi continued. "We would've asked Kyoutani but...after last year he won't play with us anymore."

"What happened last--"

"Don't ask."

And well, Tsukishima's curiosity couldn't say no to that, even as he felt the impending headache.

"Sure," he said, and a weight was lifted, freeing him from the confines of the tiny kitchen.

Quiet time was nice, needed, but he was ready.

Of course, Semi blocked his path, one more opinion dying to get out. Somehow, Tsukishima figured all of Kuroo's friends were like this, and he couldn't wait until he was confident enough to put up his own fight with them.

Right then though, he'd take the blows.

"Also," Semi said, the smirk back and powered on in full as he poured Tsukishima's orange juice down the drain right in front of him. Tsukishima's jaw dropped. "I know you hate pulp. Nice try though."

Yeah, Tsukishima could get along with these people just fine.

\--

Given that they never ever played Jenga again.

"Kenjirou,  _Kenjirou_! Oh my god,  _stop_ \--"

"Fuck you, I'm going to win," Shirabu said, and it scared Tsukishima how his tone held absolutely zero emotion as he slowly inched out a piece from the flimsy tower. The game had only been going for about fifteen minutes (they all took their turns way too seriously, sad to say), with each move about as cold and calculating as the next.

Kuroo would surely come to regret bringing them together.

The tower currently looked bent at a near 45 degree angle, which...Tsukishima didn't realize was possible, but the more minutes passed, the more stressed he became. The upside? He'd managed to take his mind off of Kuroo and Terushima for a little bit.

"You can't even really win Jenga, the attention goes to whoever loses," he said slowly, distracted by Shirabu's nimble fingers as they worked on pulling a piece from the top. Smart. By now the foundation was fucked. The tower was basically sitting on one block towards the bottom; going for a base piece meant death.

However, if Shirabu managed to successfully get this piece, it was highly unlikely the next person would be able to do anything to stop the collapse.

Whatever. Semi's fault for marrying evil incarnate.

"Yeah, and it's gonna be Eita," Shirabu hissed, pushing the block out little by little. His eyes flicked to Tsukishima for only a split second. "If it’s you, I'll only be mildly appeased."

_Thanks_.

"Unless you lose right now and ruin the whole game," Semi singsonged, but even Tsukishima could tell he was wound up, afraid as he watched his husband. They'd had to have played enough games together to know each other's skill sets. If Semi was nervous, it was all too telling of the outcome. 

Shirbau smiled, sugary and fake, like talking to a little kid. Classic 'sure honey.’ "Which I won’t."

"You don't  _know_."

"I know  _everything_ ," Shirabu huffed, and at that moment he pulled the block free, the tower swaying just so before settling again. Semi and Tsukishima groaned as Shirabu let the block hit the carpet, triumphant as he gestured to his husband. "In fact, I know everything before you know  _anything._  Exhibit A over here."

Tsukishima stared at Shirabu's finger in disgust as it pointed at him. If only they weren't in the middle of the living room where anyone could walk by, Tsukishima would relay back all his points as to how Shirabu was truly too full of himself.

Actually. Fuck it.

"I wouldn't call walking in on a private moment as being evidence for good intuition," Tsukishima said to the side, knowing full well he'd be heard. If they'd be petty, so would he. Semi made an 'ooo' sound, but he still looked stunned.

Granted, Tsukishima had been mostly polite and reserved the whole trip but, well… They had to know anyone with Kuroo's heart had to be somewhat of a shit.

Just look at the guy.

Shirabu smirked, pleased. "I don't consider the middle of the fucking woods with no doors being somewhere one could have a 'private moment' as you put it."

Semi sipped from his coffee to hide his laugh.

"Well, seems I'm on Semi's side after all," Tsukishima sighed, though neither of them were giving him the desire to cheer them on. Whatever, Jenga was a lawless game.

"Ha!" Semi only barely managed to refrain from hitting the coffee table, and they all held their breath before releasing it slowly. The tower was still secure. Er. Standing.

"You do like losers," Shirabu muttered, and Semi choked at the same time Tsukishima snorted, the first genuine laugh he'd shared without Kuroo being around. It felt nice.

The image of Semi trying to look upset as he physically gripped his stomach from laughter was truly a sight to catalogue as well. Eventually, he did manage to regain control of his lungs, but just barely. "Kenjirou, don't be rude to Kuroo when he's not even here to defend himself."

Tsukishima glanced at him, shrugging. "You have to admit, he has a point."

Kuroo was the most lovable loser Tsukishima had ever met, but the thought would stay chained in his own brain, too ridiculous to speak aloud. The couple stared at him, quiet for a long moment as warmth settled in Tsukishima's whole body, because it almost felt like he'd come here with Kuroo, the way it should've been. He knew the truth of reality though, but it didn't dull the calmness he felt. Somehow, unintentionally, he'd made the best of things.

Good enough for him, and he was sure Kuroo would be happy too.

Semi and Shirabu glanced at each other before they erupted with poorly muffled laughter, and Tsukishima didn't resist joining in when the tower collapsed a few seconds after. None of them cared.

A rematch was sure to be scheduled anyways.

The day unfolded in much the same, albeit unexpected, manner. Tsukishima watched some old volleyball matches with Yachi, commentating along with her and joking during commercials. He'd then managed to get into a heated book club debate with Oikawa and Suga in the den. Apparently Iwaizumi had gone fishing after stating some controversial statement about their favorite book series, and now they were going at it.

They were both wrong about the endgame couple too, and Tsukishima felt perfectly in his right to tell them so. The ensuing argument lasted a good hour, but ended with them shitting on a completely different series they all hated. Over drinks too.

Afternoon turned into evening and Yuuji had yet to blindside him with a hug or outburst, but the wait hadn't been as anxiety filled as Tsukishima had assumed. He'd kept himself distracted, easily so, and hadn't worried about either Yuuji or Kuroo in hours. He wondered if that was unfair, allowing himself a reprieve while Kuroo suffered. But he couldn't imagine Kuroo being upset at this development, at Tsukishima getting to know everyone.

Tsukishima could already imagine his stupid grin. He'd be powerless to return it. Yuuji's too actually, ecstatic Tsukishima had put in the effort.

_Dorks_.

In fact, now Tsukishima wished they were here, not so he could find out what they'd been discussing, but because they deserved to be having fun here too. That's how it should've been, he realized. Now they were missing pieces so to speak, like the house had one empty space begging to be filled with their dumb laughter and wild gestures.

If not for all this drama, they could've had a good vacation, without Tsukishima...

Shaking his head, Tsukishima willed his thoughts to not take a turn down a darker road. It was tempting, oh so tempting, especially when it was his first instinct when he was younger. But Kuroo was right, he had to stop dwelling on the guilt. 

Tsukishima sighed as he walked into the dining room, where Yahaba sat, hundreds of pictures spread out in front of him on the table. It was odd to see the brunet so quiet, and without Kyoutani next to him, so the scene pulled Tsukishima in, as did the pictures as soon as he got close enough.

_Oh_.

They were pictures of the group from when they were younger. Semi riding a bicycle, Yuuji covered in mud, the classic embarrassing high school candids when no one knew the camera was on. Tsukishima pulled some of them towards himself, delicately holding the old wrinkled corners. Some of the pictures were torn and water damaged at the sides, but Tsukishima thought it fit. His eyes lingered on the group shots, the ones from weddings or camping trips, where it was easy to see how family-like they all were.

How they'd allowed him to mix in with that, he didn't know.

"Oh, hey Tsukishima!" Yahaba said, finally noticing him. He'd been rifling through a stack in his hands from a box labelled 'graduations,' and Tsukishima almost excused himself for interrupting, but Yahaba was already gesturing to the open chair across from him.

Oh well, guess Tsukishima got to hang out with everyone that day.

"Crazy right?" Yahaba said, gesturing to the mess of photos. "Ken was supposed to help me but he went fishing with Iwaizumi last minute."

The brunet sighed, shoveling some pictures towards Tsukishima. The blond squinted, picking up up some of the muddier ones to try and make out the faces. "Why do you have all these with you?"

"Oh, I'm a softy deep down," he began, but Tsukishima cut him off with a laugh. Yahaba was almost as deadly as Shirabu, with a bark to match the bite. Yahaba nudged his foot under the table. "I'm serious! I like to reminisce. Plus it's fun to pull baby pictures and embarrass everyone."

"Ah, the true motive," Tsukishima said, to which Yahaba sent him the fakest of glares. Though, Tsukishima approved. What did Kuroo look like as a kid? Had his hair really always been like that? 

Tsukishima set down one of Semi and Shirabu's wedding photos, eyes searching with his new goal in mind.

The universe must've been sparing him today, because Yahaba was handing him the set he needed about a second later. "I mean c'mon, look at these idiots! I'm almost sad I haven't blown these up to portrait size yet."

The three photographs were in good condition, given the graininess of the cameras back in the day. One was of Semi climbing a tree, tongue out in concentration as he struggled for another branch.

"He made it to the top," Yahaba sighed, shaking his head as he reorganized another pile. "But he fucking twisted his ankle like two seconds later."

Tsukishima covered the smile with the back of his hand. The next photo was of Yuuji, and yeah, he seemed as energetic as Tsukishima expected. He was at a theme park, devouring what looked like two or three hot fudge sundaes. He had a birthday crown on. Tsukishima always did like the fact he could take Yuuji to any dessert bar without worrying about criticism. Yuuji could  _eat_ , although Tsukishima still won when it came to who could keep down more cake.

Tsukishima shook his head fondly, flipping to the last picture, and his heart sped up in that all too infuriating way.

He'd never admit Kuroo had been a cute kid,  _never_. But...

_Ah, so he's always had that grin huh?_

Kuroo's hair looked even messier back then, as he excitedly held a fishing rod, knee deep in murky water. Another infamous camping trip, Tsukishima supposed, but he didn't care to take in the surroundings. His eyes stayed on Kuroo; young, happy, unburdened Kuroo. He looked overjoyed with the small fish he'd already caught in the bucket beside him, smiling brightly at the camera. The shot was lopsided, like whoever had taken it hadn't been able to stand completely still. It was funny, Tsukishima guessed. Kuroo, all scrappy and energetic at what was no doubt an ungodly hour of the morning.

Kuroo had always tried to look at the positives, regardless of his situation. Even if the world felt like it was crumbling around them, he kept his head up. Tsukishima owed him for that, for not giving up when Tsukishima himself hadn't known what direction to move in.

He wanted Kuroo to be smiling like that always, like in the picture, and at him...

He couldn't see his own face, but Tsukishima couldn't stop the smile, the softness of his eyes, the light tremble of his hands out of fear of damaging it. His thoughts ran wild, along with the beat of his heart, and by the time he wondered how he must’ve looked, Yahaba’s face showed nothing but realization.

"O-oh," Yahaba uttered, because was there really much else to say? The brunet's eyes widened, jaw hanging open, and it was much more than Tsukishima could take. Like that, the calm and relaxation he'd accumulated throughout the day diminished.

"I..I'm sorry," he rushed out, so fast he could hardly tell where the words ended and began. He didn't know what exactly he was apologizing for. Everything? Maybe. But he didn't take time to think about it, he darted off as far away from the dining room as he could, landing himself in the now deserted entranceway of the house. Each step he took felt heavier, the muffled voices from various corners of the house slurring. At least Yahaba hadn't followed him.

But he still had the picture.

_Okay, breathe. Breathe. No freakouts here._

Tsukishima's body didn't seem eager to listen. He chest rose and fell in rapid rates as he leaned against a hutch, eyes focusing on the front door for the sole sake of a distraction.

God, what was he doing?

So much for keeping things secret, he hadn't even done  _that_  right. And on top of it, the guilt was back. Here he was, openly fawning over Kuroo with no shame...these people had the nerve to think somewhat highly of him.

Tsukishima shook his head, his stuttering breaths a telling sign of something he hadn't let himself do in a while.

No. He would not cry. Not yet, not now.

They were so  _close_.

The rush of anticipation over the fact made the self-hate spiral further, and he dug his nails into the wood beneath his palm, supporting all his weight. His throat felt dry, scratchy, every noise making his head hurt and his brain scream. His hand began to ache from how it dug into the wood, but it would just have to for now, his other hand held the picture.

The picture.

Tsukishima's eyes snapped open, a little red but salvageable. He couldn't shed tears when Kuroo had been strong enough to keep them in. Besides that...

Tsukishima sighed and brought the picture up to his face, the water in his eyes clearing until the sharp lines of Kuroo's grin became visible once again. Despite his near breakdown, he'd been gentle with the photo, his hand barely crumpling it.

Kuroo stared back at him. Smiling, happy.

It wasn't the Kuroo he knew, but the little boy in the picture held enough of his essence to remind Tsukishima to stay strong.

_"Kei, you need to stop beating yourself up."_

_Yeah, I remember._

Didn't make things any more bearable though. Tsukishima set the photo down as he breathed, deep, trembling, until he felt the word realign itself. Shockingly, it did, having mercy on him.

The noises around him returned to normal, his balance returned, the need to cave in paused itself.

His problems continued to exist yes; now Yahaba knew, and he didn't know what that could possibly mean. Maybe he'd rat them out. Maybe Kuroo would panic. Tsukishima still had to break up with Yuuji soon. He still loved Kuroo.

Despite those realities, he felt like things would be okay. Or at least, he knew Kuroo thought so, and Tsukishima had to put his faith in him. That positivity had become everything to him, the sliver of it kept him going.

But the familiar itch remained, didn't matter how patient Tsukishima could be. He just wanted to speak to Kuroo, to see him and--

The front door opened, like a dream almost, the universe granting Tsukishima's wish just one time. Kuroo looked beaten down, his eyes at the floor, the weariness etched into his handsome features. Not a good sign, especially when the vacation was almost over.

But Tsukishima didn't notice right away; he only saw Kuroo. The raven noticed him instantly, his head perking up, and his eyes filled with that familiar light Tsukishima didn't feel he deserved.

It made Tsukishima smile, his feet moving on their own accord to bridge the gap between them, to have a reminder that all this waiting would be worth it. "Kuroo! I--"

"Hey babe! Just in time!" Yuuji came barreling in behind Kuroo, the excitement barely concealed, and effectively grounding Tsukishima back to earth. "I want to show you something!"

Tsukishima tried not to let the shock or disappointment show in his face, and it wasn't too difficult. He yearned for Kuroo, but seeing Yuuji so upbeat was never something anyone could shoot down. He simply looked too happy, it would be like kicking a puppy.

Tsukishima smiled lightly as Yuuji ran up to him, grabbing his hands and pulling forward. Tsukishima laughed, but the confusion won out, and he glanced at Kuroo anxiously. For a sign, a warning, a reassurance?

Kuroo wouldn't look at him.

Tsukishima remembered how much he hated that. His stomach sank, and he looked back to Yuuji, unwilling to linger on those tired features for a second longer. Whatever was about to happen, he found himself apologizing to Kuroo for the hundredth time, sorry he'd had to endure this. If only he could've said it aloud, he would've tried to say  _so_  many things aloud.

"Let's go! Let's go!" Yuuji laughed, and Tsukishima had no choice but to consent to yet another surprise. He squeezed Yuuji's hands as he led him out the front door, and only when he couldn't turn back did he finally feel Kuroo's eyes on him.

\--

"Surprise! Er...sorta? Mini surprise! Hardly a surprise at all," Yuuji's words were punctuated with nervous giggles and coughs, the likes of which Tsukishima hadn't heard since he'd first been asked out. It hadn't been too long ago, but Yuuji tended to be so sure of himself, so infuriatingly confident...

Now Tsukishima saw why. This was far from the typical surprises Yuuji usually brought to the table.

The first thing Tsukishima noticed after being led to the rooftop was the well concealed deck; the second had been...everything else. The string lights and paper lanterns wrapped along the rails, giving the space a gentle white glow. The light music coming from the speakers set up on a small folding table, and the plush knit blanket which lay across the floor, oversized and inviting Tsukishima to wrap himself in. It was the kind he liked, the kind he'd always look at in old magazines at the library when things were slow.

"Wow," he breathed, he couldn't help it. The place had obviously been cleaned up significantly, the floor only lightly dusted with pine needles, and atop the blanket sat a bottle of pink wine, the only type he liked to drink, and an assortment of food.

And like the predictable glutton he was, his eyes zeroed in on the dessert. Strawberry shortcake...another of his favorites.

In fact, even the speakers blared soft alternative music, picks from his go-to artists.

Tsukishima's heart squeezed like it was wrapped in garrote wire.

_It hurts._

"Uh, babe?" Yuuji stepped forward, and even then Tsukishima noticed he was more dressed up than usual, with black slacks and a button up. Yuuji never wore formal clothes. He looked nervous again, his hand ruffling his gelled hair, effectively messing it up. Endearing, Tsukishima thought. "Is it...it's too much again, isn't it?"

Ah, had Tsukishima really been that bad? He guessed so. Then again, Yuuji's surprises never mixed well with him, those spontaneous declarations of affection. And then again, Tsukishima’s subtle ones had never been Yuuji's favorite either. He regretted that.

But this time Yuuji had obviously given it his all, had poured everything into this. And it wasn't grand, it was simple and quiet, just the way Tsukishima liked. It meant more than Tsukishima was capable of saying. He would've given back so much more if he could've, but deep down he knew it would never be enough.

Because even for him, with this date, the  _best_  kind of date laid out in front of him, it wasn't enough. But he still loved it, appreciated the softness and the effort enough for him to reach out and grab Yuuji's hand.

"No," Tsukishima shook his head, and it wasn't a lie. "It's perfect."

Seeing Yuuji's smile illuminate the world made the lump in Tsukishima's throat worth it, one hundred percent.

He did the best thing he could think of to take his mind off the pain as he sat down on the blanket, and he opened the wine. If there was a questionable amount in his glass, Yuuji didn't notice, gladly pouring his own.

He let the scent envelop him, the alcohol refreshing him like cold morning fog. He smiled into his glass; good thing Kuroo wasn't here, he hated wine with a passion. His loss.

"Whoa slow down," Yuuji said with a laugh, his smile as fond as ever. Tsukishima tried not to focus on it. "I don't think I've ever seen you drink anything other than beer."

_Ha._

Tsukishima threw him an unamused look, tilting his glass in Yuuji's direction. Yuuji's glass clinked lightly against his, loud in the still evening air. "That's because you only ever have beer at your apartment."

"Well...yeah, I just assumed you were cool with it." Yuuji shrugged as he offered Tsukishima some of the french bread he'd brought, organized carefully in an old school picnic basket. Classic, a little cheesy, but fitting. Sadly, Tsukishima couldn't give it his full attention as the words rang in his head.

For whatever reason, he was getting tired of talking to himself when these things happened, so...he didn't. Tsukishima laughed as he took the corner of the loaf, popping it into his mouth. He couldn't focus on the taste. "You assume I'm cool with a lot of things."

He said it with a laugh, like a joke.

"Because you are," Yuuji said, laughing all the same. Because it was a joke, to him anyways. "I mean okay, not about  _everything_. But most things right? I wouldn't like you if you were uptight all the time, you're totally laid back and...whatever."

The 'whatever' was followed by a wave of Yuuji's hand, which Tsukishima followed, swallowing more wine. It was a little cute, this idealized version of Tsukishima Yuuji talked about. He almost wished he was like that. Spontaneous, wanting to go along with 'whatever' no matter how tiring. No recharges, no alone time. Just the willingness to be towed around.

But they'd argued about this before. It wasn't like Tsukishima didn't communicate, he'd gotten fairly good at it actually. It never got them anywhere; either something went over Yuuji's head or Tsukishima's own. They could never please each other.

But Tsukishima would enjoy this night, he wanted to. No more of this back and forth. He'd endure for one more night, especially when Yuuji had remembered all this stuff about him, had tried so hard. Maybe Tsukishima had been too harsh; Yuuji pleased him when it mattered, and that counted for something.

"I admit," Yuuji continued, sighing heavily. His hand gripped Tsukishima's, and he could only listen, stunned. "I shouldn't have sprung this on you, coming here I mean. It was a bad idea, and I'm sorry."

The apology was quiet, but it was out there. Tsukishima's mouth opened a little, the words lost. Yuuji hated admitting he was wrong, detested it. And to bring up a fight they'd somewhat settled earlier...it had probably taken a lot out of him. But this apology was real, it wasn't a pause, wasn't shallow like the one in the morning. Yuuji wanted to bury this fully, and Tsukishima's burdened heart softened. His boyfriend was doing a lot of things for him tonight apparently; he cared  _that_  much.

Tsukishima's bit his lip, fingers curling in Yuuji's. The least he could do was return the favor. "I forgive you."

Regardless of what else might happen, the relief which passed between them made Tsukishima just a little readier to end things. Maybe that had been dangerous though; as the end felt nearer, the waiting got harder, and Tsukishima realized it way too late.

"Can I ask you something?" Yuuji asked, setting down his glass. His hand had begun to feel clammy. Tsukishima didn't even feel the need to be a smartass, not a good sign. But Yuuji did somewhat know him, and he rolled his eyes playfully. "After that one of course."

_Dammit_.

Tsukishima laughed as he scratched at his palm. The sound came out too loud, and he cursed himself again. His wine glass was still full, but the taste no longer appealed to him, or it wouldn't help anyways. He had a bad feeling, and so far his intuition had been spot on during this trip. The lights around him were too bright, the music not loud enough. It wasn't drowning out  _anything_.

Above all, he wished Kuroo was there to help him. He would know what to say to make him feel like he could do anything.

He nodded stiffly, and Yuuji's hand pulled away as he turned to face Tsukishima fully, eyes burning. "What...do you think about when it comes to like, the future? Not like a specific time just, in general I guess?"

It was about as bad as Tsukishima expected, since there was no way the answer to this question would meet Yuuji expectations. The shock and panic must've shown on his face, and Yuuji backpedaled, waving his hands. "No, no! I didn't meant to make it sound--I wasn't implying, we haven't been dating that long! Like you said earlier...I was just curious I guess. We've never..."

_We've never talked about it._

Probably for good reason. Tsukishima wondered if they'd both been putting off the inevitable, if both of them knew deep down this discussion couldn't possibly go well.

Tsukishima swallowed, shrugging as if he  _didn't_  know exactly what he wanted from his life. "Well, what do you mean?"

He breathed in once, and let the rest of the words escape him. "Tell me about you first."

Yuuji never passed up the chance, Tsukishima knew that, and he selfishly used it to his advantage one last time. He just needed extra minutes to prepare for Yuuji's smile to disappear, to see disappointment weigh down his youthful features. To keep in the tears.

"Oh man I don't know, it's kind of hard to fit together but," Yuuji said, the image and fantasy no doubt embedded in his mind. He most likely knew what he wanted as much as Tsukishima did. "I definitely want to live in a big city, bigger than ours, lots of people and things to do. I could never live in a suburb or out here, as nice as it is."

Tsukishima looked up at the starry sky at the same time Yuuji did, and he thought about how the woods had really grown on him, how willing he'd be to having a cabin of his own.

"And?" Tsukishima prodded, trying not to sound choked.

"Kids of course, two at least? I think that's a good number, especially for city living," Yuuji said, like he'd really sat down and thought about it.

Tsukishima didn't want kids.

"I love my job so that doesn't need much changing, but yeah I'd say that's what I'd want most," he finished, looking to Tsukishima, hands fisted in the soft fabric of the blanket.

Tsukishima didn't want to be there. Of course everything Yuuji wanted, included nothing Tsukishima did. How was he supposed to refute all that? Here? Now? If he lied...he couldn't. Would not. That would give hope to Yuuji, would make it seem like everything was fine, like things weren't approaching the end. It wasn't fair to him. Yuuji needed the truth, but  _god_ , Tsukishima wished he would've waited to ask.

The universe hadn't been on his side it seemed, it had just been kind to him all day in preparation for this. What a joke.

Yuuji kept smiling at him, and Tsukishima savored the image, smiled back hesitantly one last time before he fixed his gaze to the ground.  _I'm sorry._

Tsukishima sighed, and his voice was the smallest he'd heard it, so stilted and broken. "I'm not really...I don't really want any of that."

He swallowed.  _No, clearer._

"I don't want that. The city, the kids...both are too much. They're too much for  _me_ ," he emphasized, because Yuuji's demands weren't out there at all. He'd find someone who'd love every single one. He had to know that.

The silence between them stretched on, and he watched Yuuji's hands uncurl from the fabric, but Tsukishima had partly stayed the same since high school, he was still a coward, he didn't want to look up, to see the consequences.

At least this time, he knew things had happened for the right reasons.

Yuuji's shaky reply hurt despite that. "Oh."

Tsukishima first instinct was to get up and pace the floor; he needed to do something to keep it all in, to squash it all  _down_.

"I mean, we're both young though. You never know, we might change."

Somehow, Yuuji's words made Tsukishima's head snap up. The smile on his boyfriend's face was still there, if not stiffer now, forced into place like a law. Yuuji didn't want him to see how he felt. Great.

Tsukishima could've said so many things to rebuff that statement, to chase after Yuuji's denial and stomp it into the floor once and for all. Why did Yuuji have to cling so much? He knew, he had to know, and yet...

_He cares about hurting you too._

Yeah, Tsukishima always forgot that detail. Breaking up with someone was never fun no matter how much it was needed. If Yuuji wanted to put it off, Tsukishima would be frustrated, but he understood like no other.

'We're not that young _,'_ is what he wanted to say. Along with 'let me go' and 'stop doing this' but part of him knew the damage was done. It was simply settling into Yuuji's heart and soul, and sooner rather than later, it would overwhelm him as it had Tsukishima.

"Yeah..." He said instead, and the syllable shook as he let it drag out for too long, like he couldn't reel it back.  _Shut up, shut up._

Tsukishima wondered why all sounds of wildlife stopped as soon as something serious happened. Like the woodland itself was holding its breath, watching and waiting. He hated it; the silence it left sat too heavy between them.

Frustrated, he looked to the cake sitting a few feet from them, as sweet and fresh as thirty minutes prior. It hadn't been tainted by the atmosphere, but Tsukishima didn't know if he was hungry anymore. It was a nice reminder though, that this night hadn't been a complete drag. Maybe the ending had been ruined but...it had been his idea of a perfect date. He'd loved it.

Beside him, Yuuji chuckled, tapping a finger against the plastic casing of the cake. "You know, I've never seen your eyes light up like that, like when we first came up here. I did a good job I guess...with all this."

_Yes, you did._

Tsukishima nodded, biting back another pathetic sound. "You did but, the cake was the real selling point."

Another joke of course, a genuine one this time. Yuuji had gotten way more than the cake right, it was kind of amazing.

Yuuji's brow furrowed, glancing at the glazed strawberries which sat on top of the sponge. "Is it your favorite or something?"

Tsukishima balked a little, his expression twisted in confusion. Was that supposed to be a joke? Yuuji's poker face was not usually that good...

He laughed anyways, because what else was there to do? "Uh yeah, I could eat this whole thing myself."

Easily too.

"Oh wow, good thing I got it then," Yuuji said. "I thought it might be kinda boring at first."

_What..._

That bad feeling was back, but he pushed it away so defiantly it hurt. It was just one thing. One thing out of everything else on the date which had been perfect. A happy coincidence. Didn't matter that Tsukishima had told Yuuji his favorite food on their first date, not at all.

But he had to be sure, always had to be  _sure_ , and he'd never considered that a downfall until now. "So...you didn't know? I figured with...the blanket, and the music..."

Yuuji's brows shot up, and he looked around the space, like he'd forgotten the elaborate setup. He shrugged, fiddling with the frayed edges of the blanket. "Oh, yeah I mean they're great. I'm glad you like them, but honestly I wasn't sure what would be good for a date like this. Kuroo told me everything so I just went with it."

The world tilted completely, and Tsukishima felt like he'd been shoved underwater.

"What?" He asked again, but he wasn't delusional enough to believe he'd heard wrong, he just didn't know what else to say.

"Yeah, the guy's always been a romantic," Yuuji said with a laugh, like Tsukishima didn't  _know_  that. "He suggested the music and everything, even picked out the blanket. Don't be mad! I just needed some extra help! And it worked out great! He was a big help huh?"

Yes, he was.

Because he knew what Tsukishima loved.

Tsukishima couldn't breathe, didn't know if it was necessary since he'd gone so long holding his breath this week. Kuroo. It had all been Kuroo.

Why was he not surprised?

Kuroo seemed to be everywhere, and Tsukishima didn't mind one bit, not an ounce. Right then though, he felt chained. He couldn't express that gratefulness, how touched he was, not to the right person. To be able to do that...

Oh. He'd have to let Kuroo down one last time after all then, wouldn't he?

What he'd thought earlier, about the end coming too ahead of schedule, this was what he'd meant and feared.

The next song which played was one he'd recommended to Kuroo during the first week they'd known each other, he'd taken out his headphones and let Kuroo hear the soft notes, the overly poetic lyrics.

This was the last barrier, broken down. Tsukishima couldn't do this anymore, and nothing would get to change that decision.

He stood up with a grace he didn't have, given the storm in his mind, but the resolve steadied him, made his limbs work. Yuuji tilted his head, questioning.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom," Tsukishima said, as calmly and flippantly as he could, already off in the direction of the stairs and down to the house. He moved like a robot, one directive, one goal. He felt like nothing could stop him, and he felt relief,  _real_  relief. Soon, it would be permanent.

If Yachi wondered what he was doing when she saw him walk straight to Kuroo's room, she didn't say anything about it.

Kuroo was pacing the floor of his room when he entered, trying (poorly) to act like he hadn't been doing so at the sound of a door opening. He'd flung himself onto the bed, grabbing the nearest book (a boot catalogue) and looking to the door.

Tsukishima's dumb, terrible actor.

All pretend stopped as soon as Kuroo saw Tsukishima's face. The way Kuroo's face lit up...half concern and half joy...

Tsukishima wished he could kiss him.

But if he let Kuroo get a word in, if he showed the slightest hesitation, he would be disappointed with himself. Even Kuroo had to understand, sometimes he'd have to be selfish. Not just for his own good, but...

"Kei, what's--"

Tsukishima backed up as Kuroo took a step towards him, and going against that magnetic pull felt so damn unnatural. "I can't do it. Not for another day, not for another  _second_."

_I won't do it._

Kuroo's eyes widened when the words clicked, comically, and Tsukishima still thought he looked handsome like that. The panic set into those sharp features, and again Tsukishima apologized on the inside. It was almost over. "What are you--did something--"

"Thank you for the date," Tsukishima whispered. He had to get that out of the way first. Kuroo needed to understand. The raven froze, caught red handed. Had he expected it to stay a secret? Probably. Kuroo was way too generous. "You let him use your ideas?"

_You let him have what I'd given you, what you'd cherished about me._

Kuroo stared at the floor, the regret clear on his face. It could've been their first date, but Tsukishima wasn't about to dwell on stupid stuff like that. There would be more. "I...I'm sorry--"

"I'm not mad," Tsukishima said, and he couldn't raise his voice any higher. It stayed weak, choked, but this was hard for him. Kuroo reached forward, and Tsukishima was so weak, he let it happen, let those fingers curl around his wrist because it was less intimate than holding hands.

He'd held the wrong hand all night, and still he was being deprived.

"Then, why?" Kuroo asked, at a loss. So sweet, so caring. Tsukishima would make the bad decisions for Kuroo, so he didn't have to deal with this anymore. To make sacrifices. Kuroo, who still didn't get it. "I don't...It's one more night Kei, and then everything will be fine."

That was debatable, but Tsukishima understood what he meant. The original plan, the one they'd agreed upon. He was supposed to stand by it, but he wouldn't. After all this, he wouldn't pretend anymore.

It wasn't fair to anyone, and prolonging the inevitable made no sense. It hurt more this way, but for whatever reason, Tsukishima knew things would work out. He thought of Yuuji's strained smile when they'd talked about the future, remembered the hope dying in his eyes. They all knew it was time.

He could've said all that and more, but he knew the best answer, the answer he felt above all else despite his logic and reason. Tsukishima let emotion win out, and he tilted his head, imagining what it would be like to lean into a kiss right then...

"I don't want to spend another night...without you," he whispered, and he didn't mind the cliche of it all, or the fact he'd probably blush like crazy later over having said something so bold.

Kuroo's grip tightened on his wrist, his eyes softening from pain to acceptance, and that was all that mattered.

"Are...are you sure?" Kuroo whispered, his pinkie teasing the edge of Tsukishima's palm. Tsukishima smiled, knowing he'd already won. Kuroo knew the answer as soon as Tsukishima pulled away from his grip.

Kuroo was weak to him, and there was no guilt in taking advantage of that.

Tsukishima walked away, opening the door with a deep breath. If he stayed any longer...he wouldn't want to leave. He had one more conversation to have that night, and putting things off was no longer his style.

"Hey Tetsurou?" He asked, turning back one last time. Kuroo's head perked up, his feet planted to the spot as his eyes followed Tsukishima's every move. "Do you remember how I like my coffee?"

Naturally, Tsukishima knew the answer to that too.

Kuroo's brow furrowed in confusion, but he smiled all the same, smug. "Of course I do."

_Yeah, of course you do._

Tsukishima laughed, gripping the door handle. "Then I'll see you soon."

And Kuroo, with his trust and blind faith in him, only nodded. "See you soon."

If Tsukishima regretted anything, it was leaving Kuroo here to deal with the goodbyes, but he doubted the raven minded. Tsukishima would wait for him to do things right, to come to him.

After all, they'd both waited this long.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Comments are super appreciated, especially as we near the end of this fic lol (seriously only 2-3 more chapters, I'm so shocked rn...can you believe I've written 70k of kurotsuki without them kissing once? I'm dying fam). Also this fic now has some lovely arts to go with it, so please check out both [here](http://eienatsoo.tumblr.com/post/176474979189/commission-from-its-love-u-asshole-aaaa-thank-you), and [here!](http://cocojsugar.tumblr.com/post/176690349191/searing-illustration-inspired-let-my)
> 
> [Fic Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzpwgdyDGaO8yRC7oPW_18rlwtwr64u2p) (I added some new songs, including the one which helped me write this chapter lol)  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/itsloveuasshole)  
> [Tumblr](http://its-love-u-asshole.tumblr.com/)


	12. let my love open the door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I can't believe we're this close to the end, I've been waiting so long to write the end of this chapter (and name drop the source of the fic's title lmao but that's not as huge...). Thanks so much to everyone who has followed this fic and commented, your support means everything and is one of the only reasons I've made it to the end. It makes me sad to see this fic go because it means the world to me, but I'm really proud of myself for coming this far <3 
> 
> Also though...I'm never writing 80k of no kurotsuki kisses ever again lmao this was torture.
> 
> Enjoy this longer chapter, and special thanks to [EmeraldWaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldWaves/pseuds/EmeraldWaves) for reading this over!

On their first date, Yuuji had insisted they go to some fancy restaurant uptown on the busiest night of the week. It wasn't for the sake of good food or even a good time, Yuuji had never been there either, and Tsukishima would've been fine with anything that involved semi-decent cake at the end. For someone with such previously high standards, he didn't mind being lazy around Yuuji.

They were fast friends, Tsukishima could say that honestly, no hesitation.

But Yuuji hadn't attempted a long-term relationship in years, and he'd insisted on doing things the 'traditional' way.

_"This is how it goes right? Fancy dinner, mood lighting..."_  That's what he'd gone on about, dragging Tsukishima down crowded city streets with a suggestive twinkle in his eyes. Never mind the fact they'd already skipped much of the traditional courting phases Yuuji seemed to be so obsessed with.

The effort still warmed his heart, and Tsukishima didn't bring it up. He'd been having fun. Even through the ridiculousness of it all.  _Of course_  they were supposed to have a reservation, and of course Yuuji wouldn't take that as anything other than a challenge, despite Tsukishima's reassurances the place next door was just as good.

But no, when Yuuji got something in his head, there was no stopping him.

Madness and fake proposal scam aside, Tsukishima certainly hadn't complained when they'd been seated shortly after, half their bill sliced in half in 'celebration.'

Another story to tell on their drinking nights.

It was then he learned of Yuuji's spontaneity, his excitement, the overabundance of energy which would sometimes make Tsukishima want to pull his hair out.

Even still, he was content. They clashed often, maybe in ways he should've been more concerned about from the start. But they enjoyed each other's company, felt like old friends. Tsukishima never judged Yuuji for his past relationships and choices, and Yuuji respected him for it immensely, never asked prying questions. Sometimes, Tsukishima wondered if he would've preferred otherwise now...

Either way, when Yuuji smiled, it was like the sun during an all out apocalypse; bright, burning, warm. As scalding as it was, Tsukishima could never not return it.

_"You know, you're the best babe."_

_"I guess you're not too bad yourself."_

_"Hey!"_

No matter how tangled and tense they'd been lately, overall Tsukishima loved their exchanges. They'd never be bad memories at their core, didn't matter what guilt would mar them. He only hoped that would fade with time.

Tsukishima's lungs were screaming from how he held his breath, but smiled at the foot of the roof stairs, recalling everything which made Yuuji so admirable above all else. Yuuji, his friend, not a soon to be ex, or just a mistake.

Someone who would come to understand and smile at him again, as bright and comforting as ever, even if he couldn't right away. Besides, Yuuji had to know the end was here, and Tsukishima wanted nothing more than to meet him halfway.

After all, once Yuuji got something in his head, there was no stopping him. But this time, a push might help, and they'd always tried to help each other.

With that in mind, Tsukishima exhaled, and climbed. 

When he reached the rooftop, the air felt colder, though he'd only been gone a few minutes. The lights around him had lost some of their shine, the lush blanket and romantic spread seemed out of place, awkward somehow, with Yuuji sitting there alone and stiff, face to the still silent forest.

The damn prying eyes of nature. They'd had to see a lot this past week, but soon the show would be over.

Tsukishima let himself stare a little longer, his shoulders shaking from the breeze, and his heart full. It shouldn't have been, but at this point, he needed to stop feeling so much regret, so many nerves. There was only one outcome here.

He'd get to be with him soon. Kuroo, whose touch he'd never felt for more than a few brief touches at a time. It felt criminal, like his soul was screaming for him to reach out and bring them together.

Kuroo, who put everyone first and kept his pain locked in his eyes and behind a steel plated smile.  _My Kuroo, mine._

It made Tsukishima flush, the shamelessness of it all, the insanity. It was embarrassing, to  _feel_  so strongly, but it only made him realize he never truly had before.

Yuuji raised his head, and those eyes made Tsukishima freeze, but they didn't melt him, didn't make his heart tremble.

They'd never, and he knew he'd never done the same for Yuuji. They'd done enough stalling, perhaps more than they were supposed to.

Tsukishima pictured Kuroo's soft eyes as they peered at him over a book, trying to be subtle and failing so miserably. They encouraged him, reminded him of what was to come, what he'd missed. How badly Tsukishima had wanted him to lean forward back then, and demolish the barrier between them.

Now, he got to be the one going through the wall, opening the door.

Tsukishima smiled as he walked over, sitting down on the soft blanket without a trace of tension in his body. He saw the stiffness leave Yuuji's shoulders, and he smiled back.

Tsukishima thought of going with the classic route, the "we need to talk" bullshit that never seemed genuine enough. Yuuji deserved genuine, for all the things Tsukishima had hidden from him, intentionally or not.

Tsukishima knew the straightforward approach was best, but before he could get a single syllable out, Terushima's voice flooded the space, clear and loud in the quiet.

"Do you remember our first date?"

Tsukishima faltered, his mouth falling open without the usual finesse, but he didn't exactly need brain power for this kind of response. "Yeah." How could he not?

Sensing the unspoken confusion, Yuuji laughed, grabbing Tsukishima's hand gently. He always liked to mess around with Tsukishima's long fingers, tapping them and curling them around his own. "I loved that night. It was the first time I'd seen you out of your element. Out on the town you know?"

Tsukishima huffed, unamused. "Yes, I remember asking just what I'd gotten myself into, with you tugging me all over the place."

He'd kept up though, for the sake of that smile.

"Yeah, yeah, but it was fun, no?" Yuuji smiled, hopeful, like he knew Tsukishima’s honest feelings already. Weird how he could suddenly gain that skill at the most random, but important times.

"Yeah, it was a lot of fun," Tsukishima mumbled, and Yuuji's hand squeezed his own.

Yuuji often liked to reminisce, too much sometimes, but Tsukishima knew this wasn't a normal trip down a murky memory lane, picking out the good times instead of seeing the bad. Such was Yuuji's usual route, but something in his eyes swam, unsure beneath the surface. Like something about one of their happy memories would illuminate all the things missing, and Tsukishima held his breath as he finally noticed the lack of music. Yuuji had turned it off, putting an end to the slow love songs.

"I was thinking about it you know, that night. You seemed so calm and collected, in your own world," Yuuji laughed, his voice so fond Tsukishima wanted to cry. "You've always been like that huh? In your own head."

_Yes._

_Reserved. Quiet. Everything you are not._

They'd never considered that a problem before, it didn't have to be, but they couldn't control where the road took them all the time. Tsukishima just nodded. He wondered how sad he must've looked, hopefully not as sad as Yuuji, with defeat written all over his face.

He knew what Tsukishima knew, as he'd suspected.

_I'm sorry I didn't make you realize sooner._

"I never really noticed, I mean...I  _did_ , but I...ignored it." Yuuji's voice became a regret filled mumble, and he looked to their intertwined hands, rubbing his thumb across the top of Tsukishima's.

_Please don't apologize._

Tsukishima didn't think he could take it.

"And I never asked you about the future, probably for the same reason," Yuuji said with a huff, and the tremble made Tsukishima clutch him tighter, a lifeline. Maybe that was another selfish thing to do, to keep himself from crying by clinging tighter, but Yuuji had always wanted him to be a little selfish. Guess he got to live up to expectations, just this once.

The strain in Yuuji's tone squeezed back, tough and cutting, but oh so honest. "I didn't want to hear what you had to say."

Tsukishima couldn't help but laugh, small and pathetic, but enough to make his friend perk up in the same innocent way everyone came to adore. "That was probably for the best."

It took about five painful seconds too long for Yuuji to realize it was a joke, and grace Tsukishima with a much needed smile.  _Ah, there we go._

No one could tell Tsukishima he hadn't learned how to cheer Yuuji up. He considered it a skill at this point.

Yuuji shook his head, swallowing. "Yeah, yeah I guess."

But it wasn't enough in this case, and soon the laughter between them died. Tsukishima's rehearsed words, the straightforward attempt at ending things concisely had flown out the window. It wasn't his turn to talk, he sensed it, and he waited instead, content with staying all night if he had to.

He wouldn't have to. His friend tipped his head back, eyes closed to steel himself, and the air left Tsukishima's lungs.

"We don't...work, do we?" Yuuji asked, and the world stilled, the truth spilling forward like it had wanted to for so long. "We've never worked."

There it was, but somehow hearing it from Yuuji's mouth made it feel a thousand times more real, and Tsukishima couldn't help but feel his heart stop. He knew he loved Kuroo, knew he could never love Yuuji the same way, this end was more of a relief than a curse. Even still...saying goodbye never got easy, having to acknowledge their incompatibility and their past...

It hurt, it hurt so much more than any other half-hearted break-up or rejection.

But beneath that, the joy began to bloom, barely, like the trickle of water. One step closer to where he was meant to be.

Tsukishima bit his lip, he didn't trust his words not to become cracked and teary as they left his mouth. He couldn't take it. He shook his head, eyes shut tight. “No, we don't _.”_

If anything though, Yuuji appreciated every ounce of feeling which leaked through.

"How long have you known?" Yuuji asked, staring at his shoes.

Tsukishima's voice sounded heavy, but he didn't care anymore. He'd let Yuuji see and hear everything, the tough reality of it all. "A...a while."

He didn't feel the need to elaborate. Yuuji knew Tsukishima wouldn't intentionally hurt him, that Tsukishima processed his feelings slowly. The decision to not end things earlier was  _not_  an insult, he had tried so hard to not disrespect Yuuji in that way.

He probably hadn't succeeded, but he cared, and it meant so much to them both.

Yuuji cracked a small smile, looking up at the starry sky. It seemed less brilliant than before. "Damn, I really messed up huh?"

Immediately, Tsukishima's instincts flared with something protective. Neither of them were fully to blame for this, he had to make sure Yuuji knew that. "Yuuji, you didn't--"

The other held up his free hand, eyes soft, and Tsukishima didn't doubt there was some love there. Just not the kind they needed. "Hey it's okay, I didn't mean it like that." Yuuji rubbed the back of his head, juggling his words, but his focus eventually returned, strong and somber, back to Tsukishima. "I just, got carried away. I should've known."

_We both should've known._

"And look this isn't about  _you_ , believe me, I'm not trying to guilt you, but...it just makes me mad at myself," Yuuji said, his laugh devoid of any joy. "I wanted to settle down and start something permanent, I wanted that so  _badly_ , to prove I could do it, I just jumped at the first opportunity I could. I didn't want to be alone."

But Yuuji never  _had_  been alone, not with Tsukishima, not with such amazing friends like Kuroo all looking out for him. Tsukishima wanted to scream that at him, but part of himself still kept his words back, reserved everything fighting to get out. The raw truth of Yuuji's confession didn't surprise Tsukishima, he knew he'd reach this conclusion eventually. But the speed of it...it was jarring. Everyone really needed to start giving Yuuji more credit. He could sense things so well at times, had figured everything out in a matter of days.

Yuuji and Kuroo were so much alike in this sense, and in the need to not be alone. However, Yuuji lacked the ability to tell real love apart from every other false mirage, but one day he'd be a master of it. Just like his snarky, smirking cousin.

"Yuuji..." Tsukishima whispered, at a loss for what to actually say. What part of that could he pick apart and deliver coherently? Such a tirade of feelings, he thought he might explode.

Yuuji had always been better with talking too. "A-and trust me, I'm not saying you're a substitute or a mistake or--or anything like that! I didn't date you just to waste time."

“I know,” Tsukishima blurted out, because like _hell_ he wasn’t making sure Yuuji knew at least that. “I jumped into things too fast too, I didn’t want to admit I was wrong. It wasn’t _just_ you. I’m…I’m the one who messed up…”

Yuuji, with the protectiveness which must’ve been genetic, wouldn’t let him get away with it. Didn’t want to hear what he deserved to hear.

Yuuji grabbed his shoulder, and Tsukishima startled, the touch as much of a shock as the words. "Kei, you're one of the most amazing people I've ever met...you're, you're one of my best friends. There’s no way--I’m not _ever_ going to hate you for this, okay?”

Tsukishima wondered how afraid he must’ve looked, for Yuuji to offer him that reassurance.

Somehow, knowing all these feelings were mutual made it all worth it.

_One of your best friends huh? You're mine too._

Tsukishima never expected to admit that to himself so easily, but there it was.

"But...I shouldn't have turned that into something it wasn't...I'm sorry if I hurt you," Yuuji whispered, hand shaking around Tsukishima's shoulder. Tsukishima didn't mind in the slightest. "For all the times I--"

"You didn't," he said, leaving no room for argument. It was the same cold, serious tone which got him nicknamed the ice king wherever he worked, firm and certain, exactly what they both needed.  _You could never._

Not really, not in ways that would last. For all the times they'd wronged each other, they found a way back to common ground.

"I'm the one who's sorry," Tsukishima whispered, and fuck being repetitive. He’d say it a million times, and he hated the hesitation there, the one which his pride reinforced. He was better than this now, he could own up to his mistakes.

And in the future, he'd tell Yuuji the full truth, alone, like this, and he wouldn’t let Yuuji try and avoid the apologies owed.

Yuuji's hand slipped from his shoulder, joining the one which held his hand, and Tsukishima would keep that specific smile in his memory for the rest of his life. Vulnerable, crinkled at the edges, but trying.

That should've been it, but Tsukishima could see the fear lodged in Yuuji's eyes, the stray tear which managed to leak out of the corner of one. Tsukishima didn't try to wipe it away.

_"I didn't want to be alone."_

It made what came next so expected, but unfair all the same.

"You...don't think there's any fixing us do you? Nothing we can do?" Yuuji's hope of salvation drenched every question, wrapping around and polluting the truth he'd so expertly found. Tsukishima wouldn't let him fall victim to that, no matter how much it hurt him to do so. Yuuji deserved better, to belong wholeheartedly to someone else. Where that someone was, neither of them knew, but if Tsukishima had managed to find his other half, Yuuji surely had no reason to worry.

And speaking of Kuroo, he was waiting, or...given Tsukishima's plan, he supposed he was the one waiting for Kuroo.

Tsukishima looked out into the woods for a final time, knowing his time on this trip was over.

With a shaky breath, Tsukishima asked the big question, already knowing the answer. "Yuuji, do you love me?" 

When Yuuji looked up at him, wet eyes and heavy heart, Tsukishima felt his whole body exhale, finally letting go of the weights on his shoulders.

In an instant, Yuuji knew the answer to all of his own questions too, and something in his expression settled, finished.

Again, Tsukishima couldn't help but whisper an apology, deep in his soul.

"No," Yuuji whispered after some time, like he'd been wounded, his voice cracking as he shook his head. "I don't think I do."

_Not the way you're supposed to._

Tsukishima smiled, the tears blurring his vision, and he didn't take offense. There was someone out there who did love him, they'd see each other very soon.

For now, he was thankful for Yuuji, and knew his fear of loneliness wouldn't survive long.

Tsukishima didn't resent him for anything, wasn't disappointed in the slightest as he leaned forward, pressing a last, lingering kiss to Yuuji's cheek. “Thank you.”

_For everything._

The hand curled around Tsukishima's tightened one last time, scared, before slowly releasing his hand completely, and letting Tsukishima slip away.

Tsukishima didn't think it was cruel of him to not look back as he walked towards the stairs, he doubted Yuuji wanted him to; he only hoped the other felt as free as he did, in some way or another.

Plus, they'd see each other again, he was sure of it. Hoped for it.

Tsukishima felt good, closing the door on another chapter in his life, and knowing his time wasn't wasted in the slightest. It made packing easier, and sleep became the last thing on Tsukishima's mind as he ultimately exited the quiet lakehouse late in the night, grateful he'd been brought in the first place.

Truly, he thanked Yuuji for that most of all.

\--

When Kuroo woke up, Tsukishima's bags were gone, the scarf he'd left by the door had disappeared, and the house sat like a hollow shell despite all the people in it.  _He_  felt like a hollow shell, because it felt as if part of him was missing. Kuroo hadn't been able to comfort the blond before he'd supposedly taken a shuttle back to the city, hadn't gotten to find out how the talk with Terushima had gone, or promised to see him soon.

Nothing.

Kuroo's skin itched for his car keys, wanting to chase and chase until he saw Tsukishima's face again.

Yet, he had things to resolve here first, packing aside.

When Kuroo entered the kitchen, everyone was already awake and staring out of the window, where Terushima sat on one of the porch rails, looking into the wilderness.

Kuroo immediately felt sick to his stomach, didn't help when a majority of eyes flew to him, knowing in one too many ways.  _Bastards_.

He'd lost count on how many of them knew actually, but at this point, he assumed it was all of them. His friends paid too much attention.

Rather than disappointment however, he saw pity. This time, he didn’t mind.

Kuroo sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he watched Terushima's motionless form.

It wasn't...the reaction he'd expected. In the past, when Terushima got upset, he'd rant to them all, or close himself off in his room for days, blasting loud music or eating all the food in the house. Dealing with his mistakes or shortcomings had never been a strong suit.

A tantrum was always expected, and usually understandable. Break-ups and failures were hard. But this...this wasn't normal for his cousin. So quiet, so serene.

"How is he?" Kuroo asked, and he tried not to wince at how loud his voice echoed. Yachi flinched.

Semi shrugged, moving to put away some of the clean dishes from the washer. The light clangs of plates and cups made things feel calmer, more casual, like everything was okay. "Not terrible honestly, but I guess we all knew it was coming to an end." 

"Some of us more than others," Shirabu added, because of course he had to. Kuroo shot him a glare, but the other wasn't looking at him with the usual cutting expression or smug smile. He just looked...relieved, staring at Kuroo as if he could sense the anticipation brewing below the surface. 

It was the first time in a long time Kuroo actually felt Shirabu actively trying to comfort him, felt him say ' _it's okay, it was meant to be_ ' with his eyes alone.

Semi stared at him too, not judgmental in the slightest, because surely they both knew Kuroo's guilt had the ability to eat him alive.

He felt Yachi's hand in his before he could process Yahaba's smile, or Kyoutani's nod, and he didn't dare look at her face. That would surely break him.

But Kuroo's predictions hadn't been one hundred percent accurate when it came to his friends, because Oikawa's face scrunched up a second later, looking between the rest of the group with something akin to insanity. "Huh? What do you mean? Am I missing something?"

The silence around them was deafening for a different reason this time, and  _wow_ , no one in the world could've predicted this kind of development.

Oikawa Tooru claimed to know everything, and once Kuroo had his wits again, he was going to _rant_ to the world about this.

It was Iwaizumi who sighed, shocking them all, and he put a hand on his confused boyfriend's shoulder. "How is it someone so nosy ends up being the most oblivious one of the week?"

_Yeah, I like this guy. Oikawa can keep him._

Oikawa turned his scowl Iwaizumi's way while Suga tried to hide a smirk, the red already blooming on his cheeks. "Why you--what are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing babe."

" _You_ \--"

"Damn," Yahaba muttered. "I'm never gonna let him live this down."

" _Hey_."

"Ditto," Yachi whispered beside Kuroo, and for a minute, Kuroo felt his heart soar. At Oikawa's expense, but what else was new?

"Enough," Semi whispered hastily. "He's coming back inside."

_Oh shit._

Everyone tensed as they watched Terushima jump off the railing, heading for the kitchen side door.

"Should we try to act natural?" Yahaba whispered, and Kuroo rolled his eyes.

"He's not an idiot you know."

"Well I--"

The door slammed, and they all looked to the sound, all thoughts washed away.

So much for acting somewhat normal.

Even Semi stopped, holding a plate in midair. Terushima stood at the doorstep, scraping the dirt off his shoes, before his tired eyes scanned the room. He must've hardly slept.

Kuroo frowned, but then his cousin smiled, his shrug the same relaxed movement which used to infuriate them all in high school. So natural, but resigned.

Whatever Tsukishima had said to him, Kuroo would have to thank him for it. A few thousand kisses should do to start, and then one hundred more after.

Terushima sighed. "Guess the vacation is over, huh? Sorry guys..."

_Sorry_ , as if he could've seen this coming.

The support squad was on Terushima before the words were fully out, and he received them willingly, another surprise. Terushima wasn't hiding.

"This time maybe," Semi grabbed Yuuji's shoulder, squeezing tight. "But don't doubt me. I'm dragging you assholes back out here as soon as possible, even if I have to track you down."

Yuuji laughed, genuine and threatening to break Kuroo's heart. "No need, I'll be here."

"We're sorry Yuuji," Yachi said, leaving Kuroo's side to wrap her arms tightly around Terushima's frame. Terushima didn't hesitate to twirl her, the force of the hug nearly toppling him. "We know you really liked him."

"We liked him too," Yahaba whispered, another reassurance. "We're sorry it didn't work."

But when Yuuji looked up, his face didn't show resentment or regret, just acceptance, and puzzlement at their words. He never did accept anything as a true goodbye. "I still like him, don't feel bad, " he said, pulling Yachi away from him. "It didn't work but...he's my friend, I can't let him stay away forever."

A silent ' _you'll see him again_ ' floated through the air, and Kuroo's hands trembled as he tied them together. He must've picked that up from Tsukishima...

But Terushima was right technically, or Kuroo hoped. He had to hope, and Yahaba shot him a knowing glance at that very moment.

_Yeah, we definitely will._

They all circled around Terushima, the group hug about as convoluted and hard to manage as always, with some of the falling to the wayside and shoving and cursing each other. It was perfect, Kuroo wouldn't trade it for the world.

Terushima didn't ask about why no one seemed eager to harp on Tsukishima, to question how the break-up had gone or the reasoning for it. Either he was oblivious, or he'd grown enough to not care. Either way, there was a comfort in that, in the fact this break-up wasn't the usual kind. A peaceful separation, a needed one.

Kuroo was happy for his cousin as much as his heart ached for him, he'd become one of the most admirable people he'd ever known, and the feeling would only grow as time went on.

After all, they were still young, weren't they?

Whoever ended up by Terushima’s side, they would be one of the luckiest people in the world. And Kuroo knew Tsukishima would agree.

Just…not as lucky as Kuroo, though he was biased.

Terushima looked up, grinning at him, tired around the edges, but no less bright, and Kuroo returned it tenfold.

\--

The sound of slamming trunks and car doors mixed in with the usual chirps and rustle of the wilderness around them, like the woods had finally lost interest in all the happenings around the lakehouse. Good.

Kuroo smiled faintly as he watched Oikawa and Iwaizumi fawn over each other, knowing they were soaking up the last moments together before they'd eventually have to break off again. At least they'd decided to share a car on the way back, and Kuroo's heart clenched as Suga helped load their last piece of luggage into the back.

Yahaba's hands were busy wrapping a scarf tightly around Kyoutani's neck, fretting over weak immune systems and flu season, but his lover just seemed to like hearing his voice. Maybe that's why he let Yahaba nag so much.

Kuroo already missed Yachi terribly, and he'd let her small, meaningful smile soak into his bones as she'd driven away. It made him feel like he could do anything. He had no doubt she'd been rooting for him all along.

He needed that, with how his palms sweat, his feet tapping none too inconspicuously against the old wooden porch. He adored this ragtag family of his, but...

He had somewhere he wanted to be. Someone he wanted to be with so badly, it felt like he couldn't breathe. His car sat parked on the dirt driveway in front of him, calling to him, ready to race through fire and water to get to the place they'd be waiting for him. Always waiting, far too long.

Kuroo didn't remember what it had felt like to be so excited, so compelled about something. It was like he was a kid waiting for Christmas morning, or the time he'd gotten an acceptance letter from the college of his dreams. But it felt like those moments combined, multiplied, and then added to every other significant moment he'd ever experienced. It was so much  _more_ , he couldn't find an accurate enough comparison.

That was how Tsukishima made him feel.

A cough broke his train of thought, and he looked over to the culprit. Or  _culprits_ , and their prying, amused stares.

Semi and Shirabu sat on the porch swing, like the losers they were, trying to believe they were old and retired, somehow above it all in their wisdom and observations. Kuroo would miss them terribly.

Though given the ride he'd given them this week, he'd be getting a lot more phone calls. Kuroo would just find a way to live with it, and plus, now he’d have a partner of his own to battle with them.

Semi gestured down the road, and Kuroo's eyes found Terushima's car, one passenger this time.  _Oh_. There was another reason Kuroo hadn't sped off in his car. He didn't know what exactly, but there was something more for him to say to his cousin, he  _had_  to.

Before things changed forever.

"You should go now, while he's alone," Shirabu said, leaning into his husband like it was the safest place in the world, no matter how rickety that swing looked and sounded. "You need to talk to him."

Ah, and he'd miss their spot-on advice too.  _Assholes_. But they were right, and before Kuroo knew it, his feet moved down the porch steps, onto the gravel, knowing where to carry him. They'd gotten quite good at that.

Terushima sat alone in the driver's seat, door propped open and leg hanging out, staring through the windshield. Contemplating, serious. Not at all his usual mode. In fact, Kuroo couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Terushima so stone still, unmoving. Today he'd been doing that a lot...

Kuroo sighed, leaning against the cherry red car, so loud and fun, like its owner. He'd been worried about knowing what to say, about not having a plan, but now that he was here..."It's okay to be sad you know."

The words were easy. Terushima tended to feel like he wasn't allowed to be upset, it was a party killer anyways. What was the use? Kuroo knew better though, if Terushima let all that fester, it would eat him alive in the end.

But it didn't look like that was the case this time, and Terushima looked up at him, smile small. He wasn't running away. "I know. I'm not sad he left, you know? I'm sad I pushed for it so hard when I shouldn't have, if that makes sense…I'm just disappointed in myself more than anything."

The blatant admission had Kuroo rushing to his cousin's defense, no matter how peaceful Terushima looked.

"You couldn't have known dude. That's just life, you try things and sometimes they'd don't come through," Kuroo tried, but then he winced. He sounded like a bad self-help book; where had his writing mojo gone? He should've been better at this. He didn't have a better way of putting it though, sometimes the truth just sounded cheesy and cliché. They all had to deal with it.

Yuuji nodded, like he already knew. "Yeah, you're right. I'm just happy he's okay, that we're okay."

_I'm sure he feels the same._

Kuroo frowned as Terushima pulling his other leg out of the car, leaning onto his knees as he sighed at the ground. Regardless of anything, Kuroo wanted the liveliness of his cousin to return, but he knew he didn't get to decide when it would. "What are you going to do now?" He asked instead, hands deep in his pockets. He tried not to think about how the tips of his fingers grazed the metal ring of his car keys.

He didn't know how much such a question would do. Would Terushima feel like returning to the city? Hitting the ground running? Back to work, back to art, back to things which reminded him far too much of a certain blond…

Perhaps Kuroo was being insensitive, yet his cousin continued to surprise him with answers. Terushima's head rose, brow furrowed as he huffed. "I think...I need to take some time to explore, figure out what I want. Don't tell the overseers over there, but I feel like I don't know myself as well as I thought?"

Well, he’d been there before.

Kuroo couldn't appreciate the jab at Semi and Shirabu; his mouth parted, ready to make sure Terushima knew he could lean on him for help if he needed it, but then his cousin was smiling again, all teeth, like such a thing was more of an opportunity than a curse.

"So, I figured I've gotta remind myself," Terushima said, confident and sure, and the last of Kuroo's worries were eaten up by the glow in those brown eyes. "It's never a bad time for a road trip!"

And what could Kuroo do, except smile back?

That, and pray for whoever else shared the road with his overenthusiastic cousin. He'd remind himself to check in with him often. He wouldn’t be able to sleep well otherwise.

"Sounds like a plan," Kuroo said, and everything became lighter, freer, like it was supposed to be.

The sounds of footsteps crunching the twigs nearby made them raise their heads, finding a very  _done_  looking Suga in front of them. Man, if Kuroo could have that face on a shirt, he totally would. Any energy Suga contained had been efficiently sucked out of him.

The other sighed loudly, and it took one look towards Oikawa and Iwaizumi to figure out why. They were disgusting. The usual.

Suga looked to Terushima, eyes pleading. "Mind if I join you? You can drop me off along the way, I just  _really_  don't want to be stuck with the love birds for more than a few hours, or maybe even a few seconds. Just. _Please_?"

Kuroo couldn't help but laugh, ugly and loud, because if this whole trip had begun with Iwaizumi and Oikawa being over-romantic idiots, this surely wasn't surprising. Then again, Kuroo was thankful for Iwaizumi's shocker of an arrival. It had brought Suga to Kuroo in his time of need, someone whose support he'd value for the rest of time. Not to mention his all-knowing, totally invisible third eye, but Kuroo would keep those theories to himself.

Kuroo looked back at Terushima after wiping his tears, and his cousin simply shrugged, leaning into the car to pat the passenger seat beside him.

"Sure, the more the merrier!" 

It was good to see Terushima hadn't completely changed, he never passed off the opportunity to include people, to build his circle until it burst at the seams. As Kuroo watched his car disappear into the distance with Iwaizumi's, he was thankful Terushima wouldn't be alone.

Unfortunately, it left Kuroo at the mercy of the two most powerful people in the world,  _plus_  Yahaba, a demon in his own right. Kyoutani seemed content to watch the happenings from the porch rails.  _Jerk_.

Yet, even they decided to go easy on him for once, probably because his restlessness was now pouring onto the woodland floor.

"He's going to be just fine. Give it month," Shirabu said, snorting a laugh. "He'll be as obnoxious and happy as ever by then."

Kuroo put a hand over his heart, wiping a fake tear. "I think that's the sweetest thing you've ever said."

"Shut it."

"He's right though," Semi said softly, jostling Kuroo's shoulder. "He'll be okay Kuroo. And he'll find someone just right for him, and then we’ll all be done for."

Kuroo smirked, but took the words to heart.

_He'll find someone, just like I did._

"Ugh, can you imagine?" Yahaba muttered, but the smile on his face betrayed him. Kyoutani leapt off the rails, as if sensing his love's spell of content, and kissed his forehead.

"Yeah, I can actually," Kuroo whispered, and looking out at the woods once more, he let the quiet settle in, already wishing he was back. He had someone else he wanted to bring of course, so that would ultimately have to wait.

The morning sun had begun to warm the treeless chunk of driveway, and Yahaba sighed, turning to Kuroo with expectant eyes. Out of all the things he could've said, touching and eloquent, he'd ditched them completely. Lit them on fire even. "Anyways Kuroo, what the fuck are you still doing here?"

Kuroo squawked. He wouldn't deny it, that's exactly what he did.

"Seriously, someone finally said it,” Shirabu sighed, throwing his hands up.

"I'm surprised he stayed this long."

_Kyoutani. Not you too._

The audacity.

_You’re all horrible._

Kuroo gaped at the smirking faces around him, and his heart thundered in his chest. He wanted to cry, he wanted to laugh, he wanted every emotion he'd been keeping back to pour out. No time right then though, he knew as much. All he could do was think about how much he loved these fools, standing frozen under their gazes.

Semi just smiled, sheepish as ever, but even he couldn't fully get rid of the teasing glint in his expression as he fished for Kuroo's car keys, pulling them out without trouble from his pockets.

After all, Kuroo was a statue right then, but with Semi's next words, he had no problem moving.

"Go get him, idiot."

"And call when you get home, you know I worry," Yahaba threw in, eyes kind, and Kuroo hugged each of them quickly, on autopilot. His pulse had already sped up, his breathing like pants, and he could've run a marathon, just to get to where he needed to be.

Buuuut, a car was probably faster.

"Will do," he rushed out, happier than he could ever explain, legs carrying him down the porch steps. When he put the key into the ignition, nothing else mattered except reaching his destination, the place he'd wanted to be for what felt like forever. 

He smiled as his friends waved from the porch, and then he was off, sure of the future.

\--

Kuroo probably was on a watchlist now, with how many times he got stopped for speeding only to be issued a "warning." Whatever. The sight of the city skyline made him want to cry, and he sped up again, not listening to his Shirabu-like voice of reason this time.

He was allowed to take risks now, and anything which limited his travel time was worth it.

Roads blurred together, from freeway exits, to side streets, all the way until he could recognize the corner store by his apartment, the coffee shop nearest to the library...

Library. Coffee.

The thought made Kuroo hit his brakes, pulling into a parking spot with only one honk from another car. It was a success.

His hands shook as he fumbled for his wallet, his mind repeating the same things over and over. Two blocks. Two blocks. Two blocks.

Just two blocks until he reached the library. Funny how everything led him back there. Yet, he'd never let himself forget Tsukishima's words.

_"Do you remember how I like my coffee?"_

Anything Tsukishima said shouldn't be ignored. Every phrase, every admission and inquiry were important, purposeful, and not put forth without a great deal of thought.

So, Kuroo did what's he'd been subtly asked to do. He ordered a medium coffee with far too much sugar in it, stirring a ridiculous, but calculated amount of times and adding the most minuscule dashes of cinnamon. He didn't doubt himself at all, he'd seen Tsukishima prepare his coffee so many times. In fact, he'd probably known since the very first morning they met up, that was how much Kuroo couldn't take his eyes off the blond.

He wanted to see him again, so bad, and he realized now nothing would stop him. Nothing could. Kuroo walked so fast those two blocks, dodging obnoxious crowds and strollers and a plethora of other things he wouldn't remember later.

He thought he might cry when he saw the old stone steps of the library, he'd climbed them so many times...He'd always had to say goodbye at these steps, Tsukishima leaving him, because any further outside their sphere was too dangerous, too close.

Kuroo steadied himself, trembling legs, and he was at the top. Then, it was real.

His feet carried him before he even fully knew where he was going, like his heart powered his entire body, leading him right to the correct section, the right row, the exact spot where the rest of his life sat, book sitting flat on the table in front of him. 

Page one. How long had he been there, just staring at the spot Kuroo now stood?

The shades of brown and honey glistened with something which made Kuroo want to run to him, scoop Tsukishima up, and the blond's eyes widened. Kuroo must've looked no better, coffee cups shaking as he set them down, afraid to move.

He let his hands sit on the table, supporting his weight so he wouldn't collapse. This was their favorite table...Tsukishima remembered.

Kuroo smiled as the sounds of books being stacked and whispers flowed through the air, and for the first time, he wished they were somewhere else. For once, he could take Tsukishima somewhere  _else_.

But he loved this place still, the place where they'd met, the dark wood of shelves which made Tsukishima shine. The faint smell of the ocean which came with Tsukishima, unexplainable.

"Hi," Tsukishima whispered after the seconds passed, each an hour long. His hands were curled up on the table, keeping him locked there.

"Hi yourself," Kuroo replied, smile only growing.

Pouting, because it must've been the only expression Tsukishima could manage without losing control, the blond's brow furrowed. "You're late."

Kuroo wanted to cry, the joy overflowing.

_You have no idea._

"Am I?" he asked, staring at the giant clock overhead, the gaudy one Tsukishima hated so much because it was two minutes ahead. 

It wasn't even evening yet. He'd made better time than he'd thought, but any time was too much time now for either of them.

"Yes."

Slowly, Kuroo walked over the where Tsukishima sat, placing his coffee in front of him. He doubted the blond even cared about it now, but he took a sip anyways, eyes never leaving Kuroo's as he sighed, satisfied. "Perfect."

_Knew it._

"I'm glad."  _So_  glad, and before he knew it, his hand peeled Tsukshima's away from the cup, linking their fingers together.

Tsukishima's grip tightened instantly, and Kuroo grinned, bright and genuine, no more hiding.

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting," Kuroo joked, his voice small, and Tsukishima's other hand came to rest on top of Kuroo's, his smile just as relieved. "It won't happen again."

He was one hundred percent sure of that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading everyone! Comments are appreciated <3
> 
> I know some of you might be thinking why I didn't let Terushima find out everything, it honestly just didn't feel right given the situation and his mindset, I don't think it's crucial to this story itself, but in the future I want to do a sequel oneshot from a few months in the future, where he will find out...ugh so many plans already lol, I just think my boy deserves the world <3 
> 
> But lemme tell you, I've been waiting so long for kurotsuki to be together, this last scene has been in my head since chapter 2, it's one of the scenes which started it all so hopefully it made you feel something?? who knows, ilu all anyways. 
> 
> Be sure to check out the art for this fic [here](http://eienatsoo.tumblr.com/post/176474979189/commission-from-its-love-u-asshole-aaaa-thank-you), [here](http://cocojsugar.tumblr.com/post/176690349191/searing-illustration-inspired-let-my), and [here!](http://cocojsugar.tumblr.com/post/177547299371/colored-sketch-based-on-a-photo-a-tsukki-finds-in)
> 
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	13. what would I do without you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, I can't believe I made it to the end of this fic. It still hasn't sunk in yet, but I feel proud of myself? so that's good lol. For real, this fic is very close to my heart, no matter how hard parts of it were to write. I took a lot from my own life/emotional experiences to try and craft these scenes and just ffff it's all been playing in my head for the past year. Actually making it to the end is unbelievable and it wouldn't be possible without all the support <3
> 
> Big thanks to [EmeraldWaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldWaves/pseuds/EmeraldWaves) for beta-ing this entire fic and helping me through all the hard spots! Also thank you [kirinokisu](https) for being amazing in general, and making me want to finish every wip lol
> 
> Enjoy!

Kuroo liked being dramatic, he'd admit it. Theatrics, bold statements, loud declarations, he loved them all. He'd been a shy child, reserved, sometimes too afraid to speak up. Silence was his friend when things got to be too much, but it had its downsides too.

Being brought out of his shell had been an awakening, and an addiction thereafter. He liked his alone time still, needed it, but now he loathed passing up the opportunity to act on his feelings. It had made the last week, and the month before that, torturous.

Maybe even the years too, with how much he'd kept in; the doubts and worries he seldom shared with his family.

So, it was nice to be dramatic and exaggerated when it came to the fun stuff, the harmless joy and teasing, the mock fear and offense.

If he got called a clown, so be it. Cheesy, or ridiculous. Whatever.

All that being said, Kuroo could say with one hundred percent honesty, taking his first steps with Tsukishima away from the library felt like euphoria. Like flying, but better. Like he'd been tied down to one spot for so long he'd forgotten what walking or running felt like, and now...

He didn't cry.

Kuroo was proud of himself for that. He'd made it down the few blocks to Tsukishima apartment without shedding a tear, but at the price of conversation. Tsukishima must've been in the same boat; they walked silently, biting lips and stuttered breaths, and it was too much. Kuroo was afraid though, afraid if he spoke he wouldn't be able to stop, the crying spells were long overdue.

And on another note, a happier one...

If he dared make eye contact, dared to see Tsukishima's face and lips open and completely his for the taking...

He wouldn't be able to hold back.

The distance between them might've been excessive though, laughable. Their fingers didn't brush no matter how bad Kuroo wanted to, not with people watching. Tsukishima picked at his nails, pulled at his fingers, and Kuroo would totally ask later how badly Tsukishima wanted to jump him.

If he was anything like Kuroo, it was a whole damn lot.

They weren't the best at resisting after all though, not after a week like that, where glances between them felt illegal,  _wrong_. Now they were here, Kuroo couldn't stand it. He joined their hands together,  _finally_ , once they were inside Tsukishima's building. The blond froze, and the way he stared down at their hands might've made Kuroo laugh, if he wasn't so stunned himself. Tsukishima's hands were so soft, but he bet the pads of his fingers were firmer from all the typing, dry at the palms. He loved them, he loved every single part of Tsukishima, it felt like he would burst.

They still wouldn't look at each other, but Tsukishima's hand tightened on his like a lifeline, pulling him and pulling him,  _excited_. It was the most adorable thing to see Tsukishima so overjoyed, and it warmed Kuroo's heart more to realize he'd noticed. No smile or words needed. It was a short walk down empty hallways, but that grip, that touch...

So in love, so  _so_  in love the word didn't even feel like it did the emotions justice. Kuroo grimaced at it in fact, so many people said they were in love, people who didn't mean it.

But this, what he felt...would anything come close to bottling it up so prettily?

Doubtful, very much so. He knew it as soon as he heard Tsukishima turn his key into the lock, as soon as they stepped inside, closing the door behind them.

And as expected, no anxiety, just buckets upon buckets of relief.

Tsukishima never failed to make him feel that way, so no wonder his home had the same effect.

The blond's apartment was neat, if not for the horribly messy desk, the sign of a hard worker, the kind Tsukishima would never actually admit to being. It made Kuroo smile, he didn't care that Tsukishima was staring at him from the corner of his eye.

Determined, committed. All things he'd have to convince Tsukishima he was. Books which wouldn't fit on the full shelves lined some of the walls, magazines stacked on the table with dinosaur saltshakers and fancy notebooks which Kuroo would bet his life were empty.

The personal touches were subtle, not a lot of family pictures or photos, no fridge magnets or welcome mats, but Kuroo could see the organized DVDs, the window stickers which looked so old they'd never probably come off, and the expensive kitchen tools littering the counter.

All Tsukishima, screaming his name.

Kuroo couldn't wait to spend his time here, nights and days, in their own little world. A few pops of red, some pun related knick-knacks, and they'd be good to go...

It seemed he'd already left one personal touch though, and he smiled wider as he approached the coffee table, pulling at one of the magazines he wrote for. It was just one of several stacked there.

He turned back to Tsukishima, holding it up. "You actually read them?"

Kuroo looked down at the magazine as soon as he looked into Tsukishima eyes--too much, too much and not enough.  _God_.

They were pathetic weren't they? If this were a movie, they would've fallen to the floor, romantic lighting, all that jazz...

It wasn't them. They knew the right moment, or maybe they were still too disbelieving of this dream-like state.

Kuroo flipped through the pages robotically, feeling the paper scrape against his fingertips. All the sensations, too overwhelming, and not what he wanted.

Regardless, he smiled, because of  _course_  Tsukishima had these. He didn't comment on the fact his name was highlighted; his heart flipped in his chest, and he heard Tsukishima hum, and  _fuck_ , was every little thing the blond did today going to make him want to collapse?

He didn't mind, but he wanted to know.

"I told you I did," Tsukishima said, and Kuroo saw him move towards him out of the corner of his eye, until he was right there, taking the magazine from his hands. "I was going to...cut them out to save them, but then the vacation and...yeah."

Kuroo swallowed, loud enough for the whole building to probably hear, and he laughed shakily. "Didn't take you for the type."

"It's only when you're involved," Tsukishima whispered, like it was so obvious. The 'I love you' laced in those words went unsaid, but Kuroo heard it loud and clear, all thoughts of science articles forgotten.

But before he could reach a hand out, Tsukishima was off again, but even his babbles were music to Kuroo's ears. Cute.

"D-do you want something to eat? You drove straight here right?" Tsukishima asked, and Kuroo didn't have a chance to answer before the blond was walking away, thoughts probably running a mile a minute and eager in his own way to cover up his own anticipation. Kuroo followed him into the kitchen faster than he could comprehend, never more than two steps back; being in a different room felt too wrong right then. It had been too long, way too long, and he wanted to soak up everything Tsukishima had to offer, share his space in whatever way he could.

He watched in awe as the blond opened random cabinets, grabbing flour and sugar and who knew what else, making sure to list off Kuroo's likes and dislikes, his allergies.

Right. Because Tsukishima knew that stuff. The lump in Kuroo's throat grew while he watched the man he loved in his oversized sweater, so soft Kuroo couldn't wait to rub his face into it, as the blond's meticulous hands knocked over things Kuroo had no names for.

It became clear he was hardly paying attention when he grabbed steak tongs, but Kuroo didn't judge him. They were both a mess, but maybe now, seeing Tsukishima like this was the final hint for him to do something about it. 

Tsukishima had once asked him what Kuroo wanted from him, and he'd lied. They both had; they needed the same thing, craved it.

Time to cash in.

Tsukishima slammed a door shut, the mess of ingredients sitting in front of him as his eyes stayed trained on them resolutely. "I can make whatever, unless you want to go somewhere else and--"

"Kei," Kuroo breathed out, like a sacred prayer, and Tsukishima looked up in an instant, oven pans and preheating and any other resistance falling away. Like he'd been waiting for the last signal, to know the walls could fall.

Kuroo shook his head, breathing far too heavy for someone just  _standing_  there, but he didn't know what else to do. What else to say. It had been said.

Tsukishima's hands fell to his side, realizing the same thing.

Two seconds passed, maybe, and then Kuroo had him in his arms.

Something clattered to the floor, but Kuroo couldn't care less when Tsukishima's lips met his own, ungraceful, not gentle in the slightest.

Goosebumps flared over Kuroo's body as Tsukishima's nails dug into his hair pulling him in, and Kuroo groaned into the kiss, demanding in all the ways he'd had to resist. Air became sparse, but they didn't care, diving back in for kiss after kiss, the sounds messy in the quiet apartment. Tsukishima laughed when their noses bumped together, too anxious to get the air they needed, so they could come right back to each other.

Kuroo surged forward, tipping Tsukishima's head back until the blond's hips hit the counter, and more metal hit the floor, in the way as Kuroo hoisted him up. Intoxicating, soft, Tsukishima.

Tsukishima, who tasted like coffee and something unbelievably sweet given his nature, and Kuroo didn't have to guess, he knew he always tasted that way. Addicting, like the caffeine he never could get enough of.

The soft smacks got louder, and the drag of tongues got more forceful as Tsukishima's mouth opened willingly, letting Kuroo in for all the times he could not. Slow slides, wet and promising, and so much deeper than any lust could explain.

Kuroo wished he didn't need oxygen, then he'd never have to pull away.

Shakily, Kuroo moved his hands to cup Tsukishima's face, the skin underneath his palms so soft and plush, scars on the jaw which Kuroo hadn't been able to ask about yet. Tsukishima echoed his breathy exhale, his hands resting atop Kuroo's like he didn't know what else to do with them.

They just wanted to be together, in touch, in heart, everything. It was like they'd never truly be close enough, but they pushed on anyways.

Kuroo didn't want Tsukishima to disappear, not again, not alone. He felt his eyes water.

"I love you," he whispered, desperate, pressing two, three, and another few kisses to Tsukishima's lips until he lost count. Each was firm and seeking, and the blond met each, rougher with every one. They all echoed the same thing;  _don't leave_. "Love you--missed you so much."

Kuroo's hip hit the counter as he pressed in between Tsukishima's legs, and he cursed the world again, he wanted to be closer.

Then Tsukishima hugged him, arms and legs wrapped around Kuroo as if he might not be real, solving the issue of distance as best he could. Both of them, vulnerable in all aspects of the world. "You're here," the blond said, all skills of articulation gone. It was the most he could say, voice shaking with disbelief, and Kuroo's tears finally flowed freely. "You're here."

"I am," Kuroo said, pulling back with a smile, and Tsukishima's hands met his tears. "With you."

_From now til--_

"Forever," Tsukishima said, laughing as he nodded, and Kuroo wondered if they'd really gotten to that point. If Tsukishima could read his mind, it wouldn't surprise him.

“I…I love you too.” The high blush sat prettily on the blond's cheeks, like even after all that, he was still embarrassed, prideful. Kuroo loved him, loved him for pushing past it all to admit everything.

No more denying. Then Tsukishima's lips were back against Kuroo's, muffled words meant for only their ears flowing freely between kisses. 

And truthfully, Kuroo could've kissed him for the rest of the night to make up for lost time, and judging from Tsukishima's first flow of fresh tears down his beautiful face, the feeling was mutual.

How they actually ended up on Tsukishima's bed was a mystery to them both, because in the entire time since that first kiss, Kuroo couldn't remember them separating enough to walk.

Between hushed apologies and comforts, ugly laughter stained with tears and relieved giggles, it all felt like a dream, slowed down movements, blurs...

But even still, Kuroo would remember every touch, every graze of his nose to Tsukishima's cheek, or the adoration in their kisses.

Despite it, Kuroo ended up like this, draped over Tsukishima with teasing comments about the dinosaur comforter and one too many embroidered pillows.

Seriously, how many of these did he need?

Yet, what started as playful pushing and shoving turned to slow touches, roaming hands, bowed backs. Tsukishima made the most amazing noises, his eyes fluttering closed with every slow press of Kuroo's mouth to every part of him.

In the midst of it all, embarrassed confessions would slip through, relief, some of the held back tears too. Tsukishima was there to take them, as they took each other completely.

Kuroo didn't rush, mapped out Tsukishima even though he had all the time in the world to get used to this. And oh, he'd make sure to seize every opportunity.

"I love this too, have I told you that?" Kuroo said, cheekily as his hand roamed up Tsukishima's inner thigh, barely grazing the place his love needed most.

Tsukishima's laugher mixed with a moan, pushing Kuroo's tank top up to reveal his abs, hands just as teasing as his mouth. "Oh?"

"And this," Kuroo said, smirking, and Tsukishima jumped from the squeeze to his ass, and wow, Kuroo guessed Tsukishima  _was_  capable of a non-biting glare.

_Ha, you love me._

"Well, with how much you stared at it at the library, I assumed."

_Ah, so he did notice. Damn._

Well, he couldn't win all the subtlety points.

Kuroo smiled, fond as he boxed Tsukishima's head in with his elbows, and he leaned down for a kiss. Tsukishima was greedier than he thought, stealing two. "Are you surprised?"

"Hm, that you stared at my ass? No."

Kuroo snorted, loud and unattractive, but shook his head. "Nah, that you're the only thing I wanted to look at back then?"

No matter where he was looking, but irrelevant.

Kuroo knew the curves of Tsukishima's body, but he also knew the flecks of gold in his eyes, the reluctance locked there, and any new emotion which would cross through his face.

Kuroo kissed at Tsukishima's neck, and he made sure to leave marks. Neither of them cared, in fact, it was invited at that point. After everything...

_Mine_.

Tsukishima's breath hitched, either at the sensations or the trip down memory lane. Staring at each other while Tsukishima was supposed to be working, taking peeks through empty shelves...

"No," the blond whispered, and he didn't need to say anything else; Kuroo knew he'd done the same all along.

They left it at that, and by the time they were fully connected, Kuroo couldn't be happier. He moved slow, the pleasure overwhelming, he couldn't fight the groans and sighs flowing from his lips.

The heat consumed all his senses, and it didn't matter. He felt Tsukishima's hands push his bangs back, hands trembling.

"Fuck, you feel amazing," Kuroo moaned for what felt like the thousandth time, words had sort of left him at this point, and time wasn't working. He stayed frozen in the moment, chasing his release, and Tsukishima's. He didn't know how many times he echoed the same praises, only knew they made Tsukishima squirm, and that was all that mattered.

It was too good, each push towards the edge making every synapse fire, electric. But he kept his eyes on Tsukishima no matter how intense it got, when his thrusts sped up and rocked the bed, when Tsukishima's limbs trembled.

He wanted to see him, he'd known that since the first moment at the library counter. He never wanted to miss an expression, especially not now, in the dimness of the bedroom.

Right then, Tsukishima looked at him like he was the universe, and Kuroo was surely returning the gaze.

Kuroo kissed him when Tsukishima came, muffling the loud cries with his own, and the way Tsukishima jerked against him was Kuroo's undoing.

"Kei, love you," he gritted out, and the last thing he registered over his messy thrusts was Tsukishima's response, certain and just as gone.

They fell apart together, basking in the afterglow. His lips were swollen by then, but he kept going back, chasing Tsukishima's lips until his body felt heavy.

Things finally seemed to be at peace, even without the woods around them, but the sounds of traffic he could deal with if it meant having Tsukishima roll to the side, into his arms.

And later, when they were clean and sitting in bed somewhere in the throes of sleep, Kuroo felt Tsukishima's hand relax against his, the words lulling Kuroo to sleep.

"You did capture my attention," the blond mumbled, obscured by a long, much deserved yawn. Even though Kuroo's vision was a blur, and Tsukishima's eyes were closed, he watched the peace settle into the blond's face. Picture worthy.

Kuroo blinked, slow, confused, but much too tired to think anything of it. Tsukishima was warm, hair damp from the shower, a perfect pillow. "What?"

Slow, fading speech answered him. "You asked me that...remember? I never answered, mm, didn’t...didn't want to. But you did, okay? You had all of it."

_You had all of me._

The words were so raw, Kuroo wondered if Tsukishima was already sleeping, lost in a dream, or too exhausted to put his filter back into place. Kuroo was grateful either way, and with wet eyes, Kuroo pulled him impossibly closer, kissing the top of his head.

"Yeah, I know."

\--

A year later, Kuroo received a text from Semi, along with a very perturbed voicemail from his ever happy husband, but he figured there was no need to rush in his reply, not with Tsukishima resting against him in their apartment, science magazine in his hands.

He glanced at his home, the things which make it theirs, from the two messy desks in the corner, to the steadily increasing collection of monster movies.

Tsukishima's shoes were in the walkway, and they'd surely trip over them later, but somehow that was perfect too.

His phone dinged again, and Kuroo made no move to get it, reading the text fondly from a distance.

**_Semi Eita_** : Booked a cabin for all of us this summer, you guys in?

Tsukishima moved slightly, glancing at the phone on the coffee table as he sank further into Kuroo's side where he belonged. Slowly, a mischievous smile crossed his face, and Kuroo needed to kiss him a thousand times all over again.

So yeah, definitely no need to rush.

After all, the answer was no doubt a yes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, I'm still in shock. Also in my heart, the whole Teru finding out probably went down before the last scene, so ofc they wouldn't dread it ffff  
> I just...am so happy kurotsuki is happy, it's all I ever want for them and I hope I write a lot more fics giving them just that! 
> 
> Thank you again to everyone who did and will read this fic all the way through, it's very special to me and I never thought I'd actually finish it <3 Time to work on my other multichapter, heh...
> 
> See you guys next time ;) And make sure to once again check out the art for this fic [here](http://eienatsoo.tumblr.com/post/176474979189/commission-from-its-love-u-asshole-aaaa-thank-you), [here](http://cocojsugar.tumblr.com/post/176690349191/searing-illustration-inspired-let-my), and [here!](http://cocojsugar.tumblr.com/post/177547299371/colored-sketch-based-on-a-photo-a-tsukki-finds-in)
> 
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**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Comments are super appreciated <3 
> 
> Yell at me on [tumblr](http://its-love-u-asshole.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/itsloveuasshole) ^^


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